Why do people choose to be in LDR's?

[me85]

Because they fell in love and are willing to take the risk...

 

Because it's convenient for their lifestyle...

 

Because one person got an opportunity in the middle of the RS and had to take it even though it was in another state/country...

 

There are at least 17 more reasons I could come up with but those are the main reasons.

[jezzika]

I think if you have quite a bit of relationship experience already with other people, the emotional part of the LDR can be satisfying enough, especially if you participate in phone sex to help with those needs...although, I do know some don't do that.

 

Sometimes it's nice to go from being in relationships where you have to be all up close and personal, 24/7, to an LDR where you have your space, don't have to worry about someone being right there all the time and can do things the way you want to do them.

 

For some, dealing with the silly habits of others can get tiring...with an LDR, you don't have to deal with those silly habits. If your needs are getting met with the emotional part of the relationship, it's easy to be and stay in an LDR.

[LadyLuck2014]

I've never, ever seen the sense in having a computer/phone/text/email/Skype 'relationship' with some guy 6,800 miles away in East Jabib. It just seems so utterly pointless.

 

I might as well be 'dating' the tree outside my window.

 

Now, 1,000 years ago I was dating a guy that had to go to his family's place in Europe due to his father's failing health, and take care of the family business for a few months. That was different - I knew he was coming home so that's exactly what we did - email, video chat, etc. etc. But I just can't fathom getting all invested in some guy halfway around the world that I've never even met in the flesh, and proclaiming my undying love to him. Staying home on Friday and Saturday nights to video chat while my life passes me by, week after week, month after month, year after year.

 

I understand meeting someone online and 'feeling a connection,' but I never bothered with guys online that lived in another country when I used to chat. It just seemed utterly pointless.

[HeavenOrHell]

I didn't choose to be in one, but when someone contacted me as they liked my profile and I liked the look and sound of them but he just happened to be in another country I replied to him as there was something about him, the distance wasn't as great as some r/ships, any further and I wouldn't have got into it as I am phobic about flying, so if I couldn't reach him by train I wouldn't do it.

Me and him are both shy, awkward types so it can be easier for us to meet people online initially before meeting up.

I think very few people would actually go looking for a LDR.

 

 

 

In the past 6 months, I have met so many men who have a long-distance girlfriend, some half way across the world. I don't understand why someone would choose to be in an LDR with someone they met online, instead of a relationship with someone nearby? These are attractive gregarious men who could have a woman nearby easily.

[HeavenOrHell]

What's marriage got to do with it?! Some couples prefer to spend their lives together in a committed relationship without getting married.

 

 

You are still unmarried, correct?

[justwhoiam]

Why do people choose to be in LDR's?

Because they value their partner and the relationship in spite of the distance. And for whatever reason, they cannot just be in the same place all the time or for an extended time.

 

I don't understand why someone would choose to be in an LDR with someone they met online, instead of a relationship with someone nearby?

First of all, people can meet online even if they live in the same town. There are so many websites for that nowadays, that you can meet a neighbor who's two streets away.

If you mean that the relationship is purely online, I think such a deal wouldn't last long: too many scams and catfish around.

Anyway, I wouldn't rule out the fact that attractive men might use it as an excuse to get rid of unwanted women. Have you even thought of that, or is your ego too big to even think of it?

 

men who could have a woman nearby easily.

Easily doesn't mean preferably.

[gaius]

I bet you could get your boyfriend to marry you if you wanted to Els.

[Els]

I bet you could get your boyfriend to marry you if you wanted to Els.

 

Uh... that's sweet... I think?

 

Honestly, I don't desire to 'make' someone marry me. I just personally feel that marriage in the 20s isn't suitable for me, and I don't see any harm in us choosing to wait for what we perceive to be the right time for it. Life is a journey after all, not a destination.

 

But we are derailing the OP's thread a bit...

[Million.to.1]

Everyone should just listen to Els.

 

She knows a thing or two about LDR's. She helped me immensely when I was in a LDR with someone from the other side of the world over 2 years ago.

 

He's with me now in RL.

 

I never would have 'chosen' a LDR. I just couldn't forget him. No one else even compared after him.

 

I don't think I would have believed we could make a cross continental relationship work at all if it wasn't for the stories, support and insight from LS members who were in them.

 

I'm glad I took the chance.

Edited January 9, 2015 by Million.to.1

[sweetjasmine]

Did you not post in another thread about how you believe that marriage doesn't mean anything about commitment?

 

At any rate, I don't view marriage as the end-all-be-all of relationships either - there are plenty of ways in which investment/commitment can be shown, many of which are unique to the necessities of an LDR (see my above post). I'm not sure why you are bringing my relationship into this, as I have not brought up anything personal about you.

 

But if you insist on doing a 180 all of a sudden and insisting that marriage is THE golden measure of commitment, I do know several couples who have done LDRs and are married. Several of them are or were on LS.

 

Yup, I'm one of them. And I totally agree that LDRs often require more investment and aren't exactly a "low effort" relationship unless the couple wants it to be something casual and fleeting. In my case, we both had to invest a lot more and commit a lot more quickly than either of us would have with someone local. Neither of us had any issues with commitment, and we began talking about marriage pretty early on. Ended the distance and moved in together about 2 years in, got engaged a year and some change later.

 

I honestly will never understand all the negative comments about LDRs and the people in them. Why the condescension, dismissiveness, and insults?

[Ninjainpajamas]

As someone who's also spent a solid amount of time in LDR's (one across the entire world) as I always had the misfortune of meeting people farther away than closer...I don't understand how people can believe that these are "relationships" in the normal context of what people are thinking because they are completely not.

 

I also don't agree that LDR's take more "work"...relationships are much more difficult when you cannot "control" every moment you interact with the other person. So what if you have to make phone calls, write emails and that takes more "time"...time doing what exactly? what is exactly does that justify? I think people could far more easily maintain that than an actual live-in person to person relationship.

 

Furthermore, it's much easier to create this idealistic and romanticized version of your "relationship". But it's foundation is not built off reality, more than a perception you had and gained of a person and their personality from afar. It's much easier to manage and control that process when you can essentially pick and choose when to engage and disengage your partner and highlight all the "great" qualities.

 

When you finally do start living together, you might as well consider that day 1 of the relationship. The rest of the relationship is a process of actually getting to know the person, even though I'm sure you already believe you have this greater understanding and "connection" with that person based on the relationship you have built and shared with them over the phone or online, or during those excursions where you meet up and spend that "blissful" time together and then go back to "reality".

 

Once reality merges with the fantasy, that's the real process of separating what you think you know about this person and who they are, and who they really are, and that takes time to happen. It's far more easier to create a great identity over a distance when you can selectivity control and manage the entire process at your leisure...that is what LDR's allow you to do, it allows you management...they allow you to create this false sense of security and level of familiarity that is largely skewed by an overly emotional, romanticized and picturesque perspective...and we all know that everything is about perspective, not necessarily reality.

 

So I definitely feel I have a solid amount of experience and understanding of this process, in fact living abroad I've met several guys who have moved to the country to be with their SO and I can see the same process materializing within their own psyche...it just hasn't caught up to them yet, but I see it happening.

 

It's going to take years for this "merger" to take place, and in a sense, it's almost going backwards before you have to move forward. This "relationship" that you see as it is now, will not be this way in the future very likely. Things will change, shift and alter, you will have to unlearn and relearn certain aspects of personality and characteristics you thought you knew or think you do know.

 

That's the most prevalent situation I see on LS, especially with women...they always think they know and know better, they always think they know their men best and what their relationship is about, and through my life I've spoken to men in what feels like an eternity that completely time and time again disproves this all-knowing power that women seem to think they have established with their partner.

 

It doesn't matter however, what really matters is that you figure this out for yourself, I have enough experience in enough different aspects and dynamics in life, love and relationships that allow me to see things from a whole lot of angles especially with men, furthermore I continue learning and asking, discussing relationships with people that I've never met and never known, having no cultural or history established with that person.

 

Yet it amazes that it doesn't even matter as I talk to people around the world, nothing changes, in how damn similar the mentality and perspective is time and time again...even the process itself, and the same exact mistakes/perceptions are always being made, it's like this never-ending cycle of human-kind...as entertaining as it may be, it's always frustrating to see the same thing over and over again.

 

At any rate, I'm sure they'll be a lot of disagreement...because I'm sure as usual, every relationship, and everyone is "different" (although I struggle to see that from my experience), what I say is let's just see how your relationship is going 3 to 4 years down the road once you actually are "together"..for me, that's day 1.

[Els]

So what if you have to make phone calls, write emails and that takes more "time"...time doing what exactly? what is exactly does that justify? I think people could far more easily maintain that than an actual live-in person to person relationship.

 

Are you SURE you have actually been in a LDR? Were all your plane tickets or transport free, was there no need to spend time looking for a good deal, and did you have unlimited time off work so there was no need to align schedules? Was there no travel time needed, did you invent teleportation? Phone calls and emails are the least of it. Did you ever apply for a visa or try to close the distance?

 

When you finally do start living together... [snip, more of the same]

 

At any rate, I'm sure they'll be a lot of disagreement...because I'm sure as usual, every relationship, and everyone is "different" (although I struggle to see that from my experience), what I say is let's just see how your relationship is going 3 to 4 years down the road once you actually are "together"..for me, that's day 1.

Some of us are already there, and finding it a much easier ride than the long distance portion. Those who are not there yet are actually the ones facing the bigger challenge IMO.

[sweetjasmine]

Some of us are already there, and finding it a much easier ride than the long distance portion. Those who are not there yet are actually the ones facing the bigger challenge IMO.

 

Agreed again. Coming up on 5 years of living together. When we were long distance, a few times I was able to arrange my school work such that I could spend 2-3 weeks at his place. And then over a month one summer. When we moved in together, our relationship didn't really change much at all. We recently had to spend 3 months apart in different cities, and our relationship didn't suddenly become a fantasy that allowed us to pick and choose all the sunshine and rainbows and puppies and ignore everything else. Honestly, the only differences were knowing the exact end/moving date for the entire length of the separation and us being more flexible with calling and whatnot because of our schedules.

[SolG]

Are you SURE you have actually been in a LDR? Were all your plane tickets or transport free, was there no need to spend time looking for a good deal, and did you have unlimited time off work so there was no need to align schedules? Was there no travel time needed, did you invent teleportation? Phone calls and emails are the least of it. Did you ever apply for a visa or try to close the distance?

 

Or plan the perfect gift for an occasion, to arrive at the right location on the right date when you're both travelling.

 

Or find restaurants with strong enough wifi for your Skype dinner dates.

 

Or plan your Skype and phone sex to fit in around different time zones and competing schedules.

 

Or learn about love languages together and how to do things like quality time and touch at a distance.

 

Or become a walking Wiki on what the best value voip plans for multiple countries (some places like the UAE don't allow Skype to phone calls - crazy when Dubai in particular is such a business hub).

 

Or plan Skype nights in; where you read the papers in bed together, fall asleep, and wake up together.

 

Or plan for whomever is away to drop in via Skype to attend things like parent-teacher interviews, family special occasions, etc.

 

And I could go on....

 

LDR's do take a lot of work and are WAY more than a few emails and phonecalls. Not sure why anyone who's had a real one would think that is all they entail.

 

I'm glad someone brought up military families. A lot of them, particularly dual serving couples, spend a heck of a lot of time doing the LDR. And guess what? Where I am, military couples actually have a lower divorce rate than the general population!

 

I'm not saying that LDRs are for everyone. But it is quite ignorant to profess that they are not 'real' relationships and invariably doomed to failure. Particularly when there is clear evidence to the contrary.

[hoping2heal]

Largely due to commitment issues, I would have thought. I have only seen it with men who generally prefer not to give themselves fully to a relationship (not necessarily to cheat, they just don't want to be in it fully) and the women are gullible enough to go along with it.

 

I am sure what you're saying does happen and vice versa (non-committal women)

 

At the same time, I guess I would think it actually takes more commitment to enlist oneself into an LDR and make that relationship work. So, I wouldn't be too quick to assume its a bunch of commitment phobes and "poor, gullible women".

[LittleTiger]

Sorry Ninja but your entire post shows a complete lack of understanding of how real, long term, fully committed, LDRs work. It also shows a lack of understanding of how relationships work, as well as a rather arrogant belief that your way is the only 'right' way.

 

There is no 'normal' when it comes to relationships, only your 'idea' of 'normal'.

 

In my own relationship, we have actually spent more physical time in each other's company than most people who have lived together full time for the same number of years, or longer. We are apart for several months at a time but, when we're together (also for several months at a time) we are together almost 24/7.

 

We also give each other considerably more undivided attention when apart, than most couples do when they're together.

 

I know my current partner way better than I ever knew my ex husband who I lived with for fifteen years and was friends with for over forty years - party because they're very different people but also because the way we live has created stresses that couples living together can't even begin to imagine.

 

Where you get the idea that there is anything 'ideal' or 'romanticised' about a committed LDR is beyond me!

 

As someone who's also spent a solid amount of time in LDR's (one across the entire world) as I always had the misfortune of meeting people farther away than closer...I don't understand how people can believe that these are "relationships" in the normal context of what people are thinking because they are completely not.

 

I also don't agree that LDR's take more "work"...relationships are much more difficult when you cannot "control" every moment you interact with the other person. So what if you have to make phone calls, write emails and that takes more "time"...time doing what exactly? what is exactly does that justify? I think people could far more easily maintain that than an actual live-in person to person relationship.

 

Furthermore, it's much easier to create this idealistic and romanticized version of your "relationship". But it's foundation is not built off reality, more than a perception you had and gained of a person and their personality from afar. It's much easier to manage and control that process when you can essentially pick and choose when to engage and disengage your partner and highlight all the "great" qualities.

 

When you finally do start living together, you might as well consider that day 1 of the relationship. The rest of the relationship is a process of actually getting to know the person, even though I'm sure you already believe you have this greater understanding and "connection" with that person based on the relationship you have built and shared with them over the phone or online, or during those excursions where you meet up and spend that "blissful" time together and then go back to "reality".

 

Once reality merges with the fantasy, that's the real process of separating what you think you know about this person and who they are, and who they really are, and that takes time to happen. It's far more easier to create a great identity over a distance when you can selectivity control and manage the entire process at your leisure...that is what LDR's allow you to do, it allows you management...they allow you to create this false sense of security and level of familiarity that is largely skewed by an overly emotional, romanticized and picturesque perspective...and we all know that everything is about perspective, not necessarily reality.

 

So I definitely feel I have a solid amount of experience and understanding of this process, in fact living abroad I've met several guys who have moved to the country to be with their SO and I can see the same process materializing within their own psyche...it just hasn't caught up to them yet, but I see it happening.

 

It's going to take years for this "merger" to take place, and in a sense, it's almost going backwards before you have to move forward. This "relationship" that you see as it is now, will not be this way in the future very likely. Things will change, shift and alter, you will have to unlearn and relearn certain aspects of personality and characteristics you thought you knew or think you do know.

 

That's the most prevalent situation I see on LS, especially with women...they always think they know and know better, they always think they know their men best and what their relationship is about, and through my life I've spoken to men in what feels like an eternity that completely time and time again disproves this all-knowing power that women seem to think they have established with their partner.

 

It doesn't matter however, what really matters is that you figure this out for yourself, I have enough experience in enough different aspects and dynamics in life, love and relationships that allow me to see things from a whole lot of angles especially with men, furthermore I continue learning and asking, discussing relationships with people that I've never met and never known, having no cultural or history established with that person.

 

Yet it amazes that it doesn't even matter as I talk to people around the world, nothing changes, in how damn similar the mentality and perspective is time and time again...even the process itself, and the same exact mistakes/perceptions are always being made, it's like this never-ending cycle of human-kind...as entertaining as it may be, it's always frustrating to see the same thing over and over again.

 

At any rate, I'm sure they'll be a lot of disagreement...because I'm sure as usual, every relationship, and everyone is "different" (although I struggle to see that from my experience), what I say is let's just see how your relationship is going 3 to 4 years down the road once you actually are "together"..for me, that's day 1.

[hoping2heal]

As someone who's also spent a solid amount of time in LDR's (one across the entire world) as I always had the misfortune of meeting people farther away than closer...I don't understand how people can believe that these are "relationships" in the normal context of what people are thinking because they are completely not.

 

My IRL best friend has been with her husband for 7 years. They met online originally and did that for 9 months before meeting in person and then shortly thereafter, a move took place so they could close the distance. I think it worked out for them because it wasn't a "fantasy". They didn't just get online and invent a life and persona, they spoke and interacted as themselves. I'll admit to being pretty skeptical initially, but I have to say I have been proven wrong and then some. 7 years later and they are both happy and doing very well for themselves. It seems from my observation that people who get online and pretend and "play house" don't cut it in the "real world" as that truly is just living out a fantasy life. I've learned not to assume every couple who "meets online" is comprised of 2 people telling lies about who they are and their lives or making up a narrative. That def does happen but in that case, I wouldn't really define that as an LDR anyway.

 

 

I think the others have already done a good job of explaining all that is involved apart from "phone calls and e-mails". I will say your phone calls and e-mails example sounds more like one of those "fantasies" you're talking about than an actual LDR. There is just so much more expense (financially) and timewise that goes on than that.

[Ninjainpajamas]

No time to explain some points now, but we have different definitions of LDR...it doesn't sound from briefly reading that much time has been spent apart. Few months here and three is not a LDR...military relationships are not in the same category either as the foundation and reality has been established.

 

But I read the points of "work" and I don't agree still on that part, that's not the kind of work I consider of the same relevance, it's simply the circumstances you have to deal with..everybody makes sacrifices for the things they really want to do.

[LittleTiger]

No time to explain some points now, but we have different definitions of LDR...it doesn't sound from briefly reading that much time has been spent apart. Few months here and three is not a LDR...military relationships are not in the same category either as the foundation and reality has been established.

 

LDR means 'long distance relationship'. It doesn't mean 'no foundation or reality established'.

 

A military relationship is a long distance relationship if one partner is stationed away from his/her partner most of the time.

 

Regardless of your personal definition and parameters, my own relationship is an LDR. I live in England, he lives in Australia. We are apart more often than we're together, but we still spend more time physically in each other's company than most married couples!

[gaius]

Uh... that's sweet... I think?

 

Honestly, I don't desire to 'make' someone marry me. I just personally feel that marriage in the 20s isn't suitable for me, and I don't see any harm in us choosing to wait for what we perceive to be the right time for it. Life is a journey after all, not a destination.

 

But we are derailing the OP's thread a bit...

I'm just saying I get the vibe that's a decision that lay more with you so the fact you're not doesn't indicate some kind of deficiency in LDR's, just that it's something you're choosing not to do at the moment. As you just very eloquently said. Sounds on-topic to me!

[Popsicle]

OP, in the thread title you already assume that they choose. Why are you so sure it's a choice to begin with?

 

Good point. Well I am asking about the people where it is a choice.

[Popsicle]

I'm in an LDR of sorts. We met early 2014 and hit it off amazingly, but he got stationed halfway around the world.

 

We love each other, but we are realistic about LDRs and decided to keep options open. I am free to date, he is free to date. But recently we each confessed to each other that neither of us has met anyone as awesome as the other.

 

So, things are going. We talk all the time. He'll be coming back stateside this summer and wants to come up to see me when he gets leave. We're taking it day by day and enjoying each other while we can. If he meets someone or I do, I suppose it wasn't meant to be.

 

Why do I do it? Well, I love him, we have a rare connection that has stood the test of time and distance, and like one poster said, he's worth it. One would think if he was just a temporary crush, my feelings would have diminished but it's not so. Same on his end, and he was initially more unsure (he's younger).

 

Well I'm talking about peopke who met online who started out living a far distance away and still do.

[Popsicle]

Yes he is! I'm military as well (reserves vs his active duty). My ex husband is also military. Suffice to say, I'm used to the occasional distance.

 

Would you be uncomfortable with someone without distance?

[Popsicle]

If you mean that the relationship is purely online, I think such a deal wouldn't last long: too many scams and catfish around.

Anyway, I wouldn't rule out the fact that attractive men might use it as an excuse to get rid of unwanted women. Have you even thought of that, or is your ego too big to even think of it?

 

.

 

Ahh so you agree that they WOULD date someone more nearby IF she was attractive enough to him. He just hasn't met her.

[toscaroscura]

Would you be uncomfortable with someone without distance?

 

Not at all. I was married for many years. Relationships aren't new to me. In fact, I would love it if he could get stationed nearby, and eventually, should all go well, I'd love to be with him IRL.