paigej91 Posted January 10, 2015 Share Posted January 10, 2015 In the past 6 months, I have met so many men who have a long-distance girlfriend, some half way across the world. I don't understand why someone would choose to be in an LDR with someone they met online, instead of a relationship with someone nearby? These are attractive gregarious men who could have a woman nearby easily. I've been dating someone for 4 months long-distance who I definitely see myself "officially" being with soon. I'm not going to get offended by your question, because it seems like a reasonable one - it's just that often times when people ask it is said in a condescending tone. The answer for me is rather simple: I just so happened to really click with someone about 300 miles away. It's not something one finds every day and frankly, if I waited around/dated here trying to find the same thing it might never happen. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
justwhoiam Posted January 10, 2015 Share Posted January 10, 2015 Ahh so you agree that they WOULD date someone more nearby IF she was attractive enough to him. No, I'm saying that it could just be an excuse. A girl can say she has a boyfriend to get rid of an unwanted suitor. Men might do the same to turn a woman off (if she's looking for a boyfriend). Link to post Share on other sites
Rejected Rosebud Posted January 10, 2015 Share Posted January 10, 2015 Ahh so you agree that they WOULD date someone more nearby IF she was attractive enough to him. He just hasn't met her. Except the hypothetical guy is already attached to the distant woman, so he's not open or available to meeting nearby "her" at all. I think this is more a question of choosing a particular PERSON than choosing to be in an LDR. That said, LDR's aren't for everybody, some will never do one. Link to post Share on other sites
sweetjasmine Posted January 12, 2015 Share Posted January 12, 2015 No time to explain some points now, but we have different definitions of LDR...it doesn't sound from briefly reading that much time has been spent apart. Few months here and three is not a LDR... If you're counting me in that "not really an LDR", my husband and I were in two different time zones for 2 years, and most of the time, I was able to see him once a month for maybe 3-4 days. If that's not an LDR, you have a bizarre definition of long distance. everybody makes sacrifices for the things they really want to do. You're completely missing the point. To sustain a real LDR, you have to make a lot of sacrifices right away, and that requires more commitment and work than a typical relationship. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted January 12, 2015 Share Posted January 12, 2015 Ahh so you agree that they WOULD date someone more nearby IF she was attractive enough to him. He just hasn't met her. OP, you have evaded the question twice now. Are you trying to hit on one of these guys, who have told you they have a girlfriend? Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted January 12, 2015 Share Posted January 12, 2015 (edited) In the past 6 months, I have met so many men who have a long-distance girlfriend, some half way across the world. I don't understand why someone would choose to be in an LDR with someone they met online, instead of a relationship with someone nearby? These are attractive gregarious men who could have a woman nearby easily. You connect with who you connect with is one reason. Just because lots of women are around you doesn't mean you've met someone you are really interested in and click with. Part of why they might choose the LDR is that they feel connected to that person more than they do others and the fact that they are long distance is incidental. They do the LDR because they really like the person and feel it's worth a shot. The other reason is that some people have issues of emotional unavailability (some are aware of it and some aren't) and conducting a LDR or an online one is comfortable for them because the person is at a distance.The distance provides a safety net in some ways where there are certain built in barriers and speed-bumps and it's perfect for someone who has a fear of emotional intimacy. Some folks prefer the fantasy of an online relationship to something more immediate. For me the measure of it would be whether they seem to be content with keeping it online or if they visit a lot or are taking steps to eventually close the gap. I think in the first case people tend to try to close the gap quickly whereas if it is a case where (known or unbeknownst to them) they prefer LDRs because of intimacy or emotional unavailability issues, they may be fine with living the online fantasy with no rush to meet or close the gap. They can have the comfort of someone to text, call, Skype and so on but can still maintain a measure of freedom. Edited January 12, 2015 by MissBee 1 Link to post Share on other sites
headspins Posted January 12, 2015 Share Posted January 12, 2015 Everything is becoming so impersonalized,and more difficult to communicate with the opposite sex. This is my opinion&what i have witnessed. Its a shame. We are pulling further&further away from whats really important. Everyone's in a hurry for just something,anything. Often times i think it happens by accident. How sad is it that many are just looking to merely have a simple conversation &fail ridiculously. I think there's something majestic,or alluring about LDR. It can probably be so full of unimaginable excitememt. To build upon 1 another. You have to have a lil luck to have it be a success i think. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Popsicle Posted January 12, 2015 Author Share Posted January 12, 2015 OP, you have evaded the question twice now. Are you trying to hit on one of these guys, who have told you they have a girlfriend? Yes I did. I still believe that these guys have not met a desirable enough woman (who mutually desires them) that lives nearby them. Link to post Share on other sites
umirano Posted January 12, 2015 Share Posted January 12, 2015 Yes I did. I still believe that these guys have not met a desirable enough woman (who mutually desires them) that lives nearby them. So you're trying to date someone whose GF shouldn't trust to be alone far from her, like when she's on a vacation or business trip? Why would you want someone like that? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
okc85 Posted January 12, 2015 Share Posted January 12, 2015 I don't see how an LDR works unless there is a plan to close the gap. When I was in an LDR, it was painful, and lonely. I don't want to do it again. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
okc85 Posted January 12, 2015 Share Posted January 12, 2015 Also, it was expensive flying across the ocean to spend a week together. And that would be my life. Expensive flights to spend such short periods of time together, then back to the laptop to send emails for another 6 months. The truth is that I would've held onto that depressing LDR because I was in love, but ultimately she 'set me free' and I have to honestly be grateful, because an LDR without an end game is simply torture. And it's not easy. Amazing connections don't always come easily, but I'm a firm believer that life isn't fair, no one said it would be, and hoping for some fairly tale love story won't get any of us very far. Sometimes, things like LDRs are a lesson in pain, not love, and you just need to use the experience for your future. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Frank2thepoint Posted January 12, 2015 Share Posted January 12, 2015 Yes I did. I still believe that these guys have not met a desirable enough woman (who mutually desires them) that lives nearby them. Compatibility is irrelevant of distance. Also meeting someone with mutual desires is completely random. It's parochial to think a man is undesirable to local women. The fact that the man is in an LDR, a relationship by definition, means at least one woman finds him desirable. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted January 13, 2015 Share Posted January 13, 2015 Yes I did. I still believe that these guys have not met a desirable enough woman (who mutually desires them) that lives nearby them. So clearly all of our answers about 'why people choose to be in LDRs' were irrelevant - all you wanted was validation that it is okay to hit on someone who is in a relationship, or validation that you would succeed. Well, I wish you all the luck, for if you do succeed, you and the man would certainly be very compatible with one another. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Heatemyheart89 Posted January 18, 2015 Share Posted January 18, 2015 I know a friend of a friend who has been in a LDR because he just loves her so much . To him, no one else compares . I have in a LDR with my boyfriend , but he is moving nearer to me when he finishes his degree in 5 months . LDR are tough. I think most people are in them because they just love the person so much. Link to post Share on other sites
compulsivedancer Posted January 18, 2015 Share Posted January 18, 2015 My STBXH and I were long distance for two years while I was in college. He lived near my family, so I saw him on vacations and breaks, and he came and saw me once or twice. It was hard, but we had a definite end point (when I graduated). Link to post Share on other sites
OnlyHonesty Posted January 19, 2015 Share Posted January 19, 2015 When asked this question, people will probably tell you variations of the following: 1) It just happened. 2) There was no one local. 3) We just clicked and are soulmates. 4) This has never happened to me before. 5) It was so unexpected. 6) They are everything I dreamed of. This is what I think. People who are emotionally unavaliable, have fear of ongoing physical commitement or a fear of commitement in general are much more likely to have an ''It just happened'' moment. When you are in a relationship that involves ongoing and frequent physical time, there is no space for building up a fantasy or making someone ''perfect'' for you. Reality is there and you get to know the person in this reality. A long distance relationship allows you to overlook the persons flaws simply because you spend less time around them. Given enough time away you may even forget about those flaws. Your mind has time to build and replace reality with elements of fantasy. I think women may be ''better'' at doing this than men butI'm just guessing here. You can also use the energy from this fantasy to drive the ''relationship'' forward. The drama of leaving it all behind and travelling to meet your beloved. The problem with doing that is that it will break the fantasy which is a central driving force of many long distance relationships. How many long distance relatiuonships or accounts of people do you know that have met the perfect person online but never met them in real life, this is not an accident. I think there is an element of the subconscious involved here. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
KimmyBee Posted January 19, 2015 Share Posted January 19, 2015 Yes I did. I still believe that these guys have not met a desirable enough woman (who mutually desires them) that lives nearby them. True. Maybe the women there are not interesting enough? There's many potential partners for sexual based relationships but long term serious relationships are different. Maybe they have just met more interesting people online. Link to post Share on other sites
justwhoiam Posted January 19, 2015 Share Posted January 19, 2015 People who are emotionally unavaliable, have fear of ongoing physical commitement or a fear of commitement in general are much more likely to have an ''It just happened'' moment. Maybe what you said makes sense for some people, but I think that someone who's emotionally unavailable can't give a thing about people online. If anything, they will play around with many screen names not to get involved with anyone. And regarding flaws, you are considering only fake couples that have never met. It's like saying that pizza sucks because you only tasted one with dough made of whole wheat flour and rancid tomatoes. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted January 19, 2015 Share Posted January 19, 2015 You can also use the energy from this fantasy to drive the ''relationship'' forward. The drama of leaving it all behind and travelling to meet your beloved. The problem with doing that is that it will break the fantasy which is a central driving force of many long distance relationships. How many long distance relatiuonships or accounts of people do you know that have met the perfect person online but never met them in real life, this is not an accident. So when you people say 'long distance relationship' what you actually mean is 'online relationship in which the two people have never met and never plan to meet'? Well, sheesh, could've told us that from the start. Wouldn't have bothered to argue with you there. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
OnlyHonesty Posted January 19, 2015 Share Posted January 19, 2015 So when you people say 'long distance relationship' what you actually mean is 'online relationship in which the two people have never met and never plan to meet'? Well, sheesh, could've told us that from the start. Wouldn't have bothered to argue with you there. I was also referring to people who had actually met but not spent vast amounts of time together. For example I knew a woman that only saw her bf at the weekends. During the time they were not seeing each other, she built him up in her mind. There are some cases where people spend more time online than in person so again, I think similar applies. Link to post Share on other sites
OnlyHonesty Posted January 19, 2015 Share Posted January 19, 2015 Maybe what you said makes sense for some people, but I think that someone who's emotionally unavailable can't give a thing about people online. If anything, they will play around with many screen names not to get involved with anyone. And regarding flaws, you are considering only fake couples that have never met. It's like saying that pizza sucks because you only tasted one with dough made of whole wheat flour and rancid tomatoes. My comment about flaws was not just about fake couples that had never met, it was also about couples that had never spent enough time together in person Vs how much time they spend online. Link to post Share on other sites
justwhoiam Posted January 19, 2015 Share Posted January 19, 2015 This is funny. A neighboring friend used to see her boyfriend at weekends, and they lived 1 mile from each other. I wonder if she fantasized him or what. Anyway, they got married and now live in a different town. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted January 20, 2015 Share Posted January 20, 2015 (edited) I was also referring to people who had actually met but not spent vast amounts of time together. For example I knew a woman that only saw her bf at the weekends. During the time they were not seeing each other, she built him up in her mind. There are some cases where people spend more time online than in person so again, I think similar applies. How much time do you think a typical couple in the earlier stages of dating, who are both working full-time and not living together, would spend with each other anyway? Do you think they would be together 24/7? Do you think that's healthy? Sure, there tends to be a bit of a 'learning curve' about the other person when you first move in together, but that applies regardless of how far apart you used to live. Very long distance couples actually tend to reach this point earlier than most, as the cost of travel and accommodation tends to dictate that they spend a few weeks or even a couple months living together sometimes. At which point they learn a lot more about how it is like to live with their partner long term, as opposed to spending Friday nights at their place. Edited January 20, 2015 by Elswyth 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Leigh 87 Posted January 20, 2015 Share Posted January 20, 2015 I chose to enter into a LDR because I go for something that isn't easy to find; when I find it, I don't give a damn where they live because they make me happier knowing them - and to a greater extent then I feel all the other guys I meet will (based on past experiences). As some people on here have heard - I need instant fire works, instant attraction and effortless passion and chemistry. All these things, of course, are to be coupled with a nice person and a compatible and suitable partner. Given that I wait out for those things, once I find them I don't overlook them even if they live across the other side of the world; I prefer men who have a full time job and can afford to travel the distance, as can I ( I can afford one international trip per year). I would prefer the guy to live close to home but there are some positives about long distance relationships... Pro's: - You have to have your own life, friendships, goals and things you love doing - Less risk of forgetting about your passions and being too into the relationship - Time and space reiterate (or sadly, dispel) whether OR NOT you truly miss them - Time apart allows you to carry on meeting many other people and it reiterates OR disproves that the person you met is indeed a more rare gem - if they cannot forget about you and just date people much closer they must really like you to put the effort in - a guy has to REALLY like a girl in order to refrain from sex and wanting to go without sex for months at a time The best part of LDR is: your time together is really special. Cons: - it can put you into a sort of instant relationship.. if the LDR is early on and from the get go - you can then get a nasty shock when you go and spend a week with them! You may encounter some issues you weren't aware were present since you never got to meet their friends or spend ample time with them to begin with. Link to post Share on other sites
EmperorR Posted January 23, 2015 Share Posted January 23, 2015 Everyone is different no need to judge or ponder what individuals will do. I've dated a woman that lived on my street and I've dated a girl that lived 4 hours away, you can't help who you will fall in love with sometimes. Even right now I could be in a LDR if it came down to it, I have nothing holding me in any location if she was worth it. Link to post Share on other sites
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