Food Addiction is a Punk-B17CH and I am SO over it!

[genuinelyloverly7]

I have been addicted to food for almost as long as I can remember. I would use food to soothe, repress, divert, and eventually, to focus on in lieu of other more important life concerns. I remember once, years ago, getting a talking-to by my boss, and leaving for home with the specific intent to get a pizza and eat it all so I could focus on the food, and forget what had just happened.

 

As I have had severe food intolerances for over 10 years now, I know I shouldn't eat some things. Like breads, dairy, soy, corn, eggs, and anything with MSG or chemicals in it. So I went on a health food mission and got better. But through all of it, and even now, knowing what I know, I still want to eat stuff I don't want to eat! I am a foodie- I love food and identify with it on SO many levels. I wrote my college thesis paper on BBQ and gender identity in the South. I was a baker for years, until I couldn't be around it any more because I cannot stop eating it if it is in front of me.

 

I am attempting to go meatless because I don't agree ethically with factory-torture-farms, but sometimes even my own ethics isn't enough to disgust me out of eating it! For the record, I wouldn't have as much of a problem with ethically raised and slaughtered animals, but that is hard to find where I live, ironically, since it is a rural area. And hunted meat is on-the-fence for me… I guess that is the pinnacle of the ethics crisis around eating meat of any kind, for me. I don't want to participate in any part of any activity that increases (animal) SUFFERING. Death is inevitable, being a part of the food chain is ideal- no waste or wasted space for storing my rotting flesh. (Yes to cremation; no to being eaten alive by cannibals; being eaten dead by cannibals or even starving friends- maybe. But respect my bones please. Bury them well)

 

Food, and not just healthy or even delicious food, is SO habituated into my life. Most of my memories are food-related. For example- I can pull up three different childhood memories off the top of my head where food was involved. And it wasn't food-focused activities. They were family outings, and it just so happens that the food is what I connected to.

My mother cooked veggies all the time; we didn't eat junk food. And I ate everything she gave me- I still love beets and brussels sprouts! Liver, I don't know. It had better be cooked to perfection and served similarly, and be from a happy animal. We had sweets (mostly Blue Bell ice cream) so it wasn't like we were deprived of it… but maybe it was because I was so fascinated with the junk food my friends had once I got old enough to have friends. It wasn't until I was older that we had chef boyardee or mac-n-cheese or pop-tart boxes in my house. I did feel like they had cool stuff that I didn't have to eat, so maybe that is part of it.

 

Now I spend so much time at my BFF's house- she eats mainstream but wants to go more sustainable, though not vegan… she has all the junk I should not eat but do when it is available. I have tried to spend time (about a month) away from her house, so I could get reset, and won't be tempted, but is hard because I spend a lot of time over there with them. They are my only family/close friends where I live, and it get's lonely at my house. My house is totally clean of all of the foods I shouldn't eat. But like I said, I spend a lot of time at my friends house. Bringing my food to her house would be fine, but that doesn't make me smell her cooking less, or see it sitting there.

 

I can get into juicing and green smoothies when I get so sick of thinking about food and healthiness that I just want to not eat or even think of food for a while. But that never lasts long, and just leaves me craving new flavors, textures, sensation combinations… I can maintain my raw veganism when I plan and prep before-hand. A LOT. But when it the tempting SAD (Standard American Diet) right there in my face, smelling so good and knowing it will taste so good, I CAN'T restrain myself! I ate almost 10 meringue cookies last night in a row! Not just because they were sweet, but because I love the way it melts on your tongue, the glossy sheen of the outside, the chemical mystery of egg whites and sugar being whipped into a form that heat makes permanent…. yes, baking and cooking is an art to me. But sometimes I just get SO tired of the constant balance of eating to live and living to eat.

 

I just needed to vent. I am eating great today, and loving it. That has been the hardest hurdle that I have successfully jumped- getting back on the wagon after falling off. Yay me!

[jellybean89]

Yay you.

 

I will admit, I am not a foodie. Would prefer to never have to eat..just don't care for much of it, but love my sweets. So it is hard for me to understand what you are going through. Must wanted to say YAY you!

[regine_phalange]

I'm very happy for you genuinelyloverly You absolutely have my support.

 

I admit that I also have the tendency to binge when I feel emotionally vulnerable. Starting two years ago and until this October I underwent a lot of stress and I found myself eating a lot of junk in periods of time. Thankfully my BMI is not overweight and the binging didn't progress in worst ways, but it felt awful.

 

Addiction usually comes to fill some internal hole. I don't know if there are people who always have a hole in them or if it's just for certain periods of time. The thing I do know is that the addiction it's better to be good for you at least.

 

Have you ever practiced yoga? It's a great replacement for binging. I have found it magically takes away any desire for comfort or bad food and overeating. I can't explain this. It's like an addiction that took the place of another addiction. There are times that I practice 3 hours a day because I feel I want to do it so bad. But usually it's for 20-40 minutes. Is there a constructive activity that you think could help you like yoga has helped me?

[Million.to.1]

I sympathise with you Gen. I too love food and find it a challenge to avoid the stuff I know is bad for me.

I also relate to my ethics not always putting an end to cravings for things i don't agree with on a moral level.

My SO is a "flexitarian" .. meaning he is mostly a vegetarian, but has the odd cheat. maybe once or twice a month and we'll choose Grass feed/ organic meat on those occasions. It's an expensive choice though, but fine if occasional.

 

Don't really have any advise except that maybe since you are doing really well with making the changes you've mentioned, you should allow yourself a cheat day once or twice a week so you can visit your friend, eat with her and not worry about it. Those people i know that have allocated cheat days but are very strict otherwise, seem to me to have less stress around it in general.

[genuinelyloverly7]

Thanks all for the support, folks! This was more of a venting on my FA than asking for any tips specifically, but I ALWAYS love to get them! Regine_, yes I have practiced Bikrams exclusively, and would practice other kinds but just haven't yet. It IS like an addiction; a delicious stretchy sweaty addiction that knocks your head/heart/ and sometimes soul into another place/time. I LOVE IT! Right now I live an hour from any Bikram studio's, and half an hour from any other kind… so I am trying to get my home space set up to do some here. But like my teacher always said, "the hardest part is getting here (to class)."

 

So I just need to surrender to the awesomeness of it. And that was such a HUGE part of yoga for me; the surrender. Into the pose, the moment, the flow, my body, my place and ability right then and there. I have been avoiding it in one of my typical self-deprivation-due-to-low-self-esteem kicks. It's almost like anorexia of things I know are good for me. How long can I deny myself the things I want and know I deserve before I get sick? It is part of that whole mentality of having to be at the absolute bottom before you can climb back up again. I have had to fight really hard and very consciously to negate that mentality within myself. And most of the time it works. It is only when I begin the downward slide that it gets harder not to just push myself down faster so I can begin the upward climb.

 

But good news! I have been eating healthy and 'clean' for a few days now, and am feeling better. I feel great emotionally about my motivation for eating better, and I am trusting myself more that I know what is right. You know how sometimes you just keep studying so you don't have to 'take the test'? Yeah… that is me. It is getting out of that vicious spiral that is the hardest part. (writing about it here helped, surprisingly; drinking more pure water helped too, less surprisingly)

 

On another note, I start soccer practice in a few days and that has been a big motivator for me- getting limber and not being/feeling all bloated and slow when I practice/play. It is an over 35 league, but full length fields and all, so it is a great workout! I splurged and went and got some mega-warm under-layers and a scarf/hat for the first meet tomorrow. I'm thinking about a snuggie for teamsides, lol. Not really. But a big long warm blanket or something would be good for when we pause. Though it is only 5 minutes…

[regine_phalange]

Thanks all for the support, folks! This was more of a venting on my FA than asking for any tips specifically, but I ALWAYS love to get them! Regine_, yes I have practiced Bikrams exclusively, and would practice other kinds but just haven't yet. It IS like an addiction; a delicious stretchy sweaty addiction that knocks your head/heart/ and sometimes soul into another place/time. I LOVE IT! Right now I live an hour from any Bikram studio's, and half an hour from any other kind… so I am trying to get my home space set up to do some here. But like my teacher always said, "the hardest part is getting here (to class)."

 

So I just need to surrender to the awesomeness of it. And that was such a HUGE part of yoga for me; the surrender. Into the pose, the moment, the flow, my body, my place and ability right then and there. I have been avoiding it in one of my typical self-deprivation-due-to-low-self-esteem kicks. It's almost like anorexia of things I know are good for me. How long can I deny myself the things I want and know I deserve before I get sick? It is part of that whole mentality of having to be at the absolute bottom before you can climb back up again. I have had to fight really hard and very consciously to negate that mentality within myself. And most of the time it works. It is only when I begin the downward slide that it gets harder not to just push myself down faster so I can begin the upward climb.

 

But good news! I have been eating healthy and 'clean' for a few days now, and am feeling better. I feel great emotionally about my motivation for eating better, and I am trusting myself more that I know what is right. You know how sometimes you just keep studying so you don't have to 'take the test'? Yeah… that is me. It is getting out of that vicious spiral that is the hardest part. (writing about it here helped, surprisingly; drinking more pure water helped too, less surprisingly)

 

On another note, I start soccer practice in a few days and that has been a big motivator for me- getting limber and not being/feeling all bloated and slow when I practice/play. It is an over 35 league, but full length fields and all, so it is a great workout! I splurged and went and got some mega-warm under-layers and a scarf/hat for the first meet tomorrow. I'm thinking about a snuggie for teamsides, lol. Not really. But a big long warm blanket or something would be good for when we pause. Though it is only 5 minutes…

 

I used to go to yoga class but then I started just following youtube videos It;s awesome because you can practice and experiment any time you want, even in a small space. And you can do it in your pjs or underwear.

 

Soccer sounds awesome too. Anything to get these endorphins running!