Melrapuo Posted January 8, 2015 Share Posted January 8, 2015 So my last relationship ended back in March of 2013. After 6 months of living in constant fear that my gf was cheating and zero intimacy, she finally ended things between us and I had to move out of our very new apartment. It sucked, but I moved on. I haven't gone on any dates since then. I haven't had sex in over two years (I'm 28, male). I've had opportunities, but I felt I needed to straighten myself out mentally first. I've done a great job at that at least, but I've come to realize that I don't really trust any women anymore. Even when I've been out with my friends and a girl starts hitting on me, I don't feel a thing. No interest at all, aside from just being friendly. I've come to understand that after twohorrible breakups, I don't want the trouble anymore. And that is both great and ****ty. Great that I know I don't need anyone go rely on to make myself happy, but also bad that I don'ttknow if I'll ever date again either. At least not for a while. I'm admittedly growing impatient though. I've done my best to deal with my depression (therapy, meds) but I still question where this is all leading to. I feel like looking for love is useless. I'm afraid it's going to take a woman to show up one day in my life and make me change how I think. Then again, that sounds lazy and immature. Any advice? I'm tired of being so pessimistic about love and I really wanna find "exercises" or something to help me outta this funk. Link to post Share on other sites
Moy Posted January 9, 2015 Share Posted January 9, 2015 Wow, your situation draws many parallels to mine. In for the replies! Link to post Share on other sites
Danda Posted January 9, 2015 Share Posted January 9, 2015 Maybe try developing a more realistic perception of romance. For the most part it's a crapshoot, like job hunting often is. You make a lot of attempts, get a lot of rejections, sometimes get into the 'interview' and realize you don't care if they want you; you're good on that ****, until finally something that works out. Once you find something that works out, (leaving the metaphor now, lol), you embrace the reality that you're going to enjoy this person a great deal and give it your best, for as long as it's meant to last, and if/when you realize you're more stressed than excited or more anxious than comfortable in the relationship, you end it as gracefully as possible. Sometimes, the other person will be the one to make that call. Just how it rolls. Having realistic expectations (regarding pretty much anything, not just romance) allows you to enjoy the good and not have a personal crisis over the bad. Understanding that everything in life comes with the good and the bad, is what helps you avoid the ugly. People who let themselves get blindsided get the good, the bad and the ugly, but mostly the ugly because they can't trust the good enough to enjoy it while constantly obsessing over the bad. If you approach dating like it's either gonna be wonderfully glorious or a total ****ing nightmare, then it will be a total ****ing nightmare by default. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
okc85 Posted January 11, 2015 Share Posted January 11, 2015 Maybe try developing a more realistic perception of romance. For the most part it's a crapshoot, like job hunting often is. You make a lot of attempts, get a lot of rejections, sometimes get into the 'interview' and realize you don't care if they want you; you're good on that ****, until finally something that works out. Once you find something that works out, (leaving the metaphor now, lol), you embrace the reality that you're going to enjoy this person a great deal and give it your best, for as long as it's meant to last, and if/when you realize you're more stressed than excited or more anxious than comfortable in the relationship, you end it as gracefully as possible. Sometimes, the other person will be the one to make that call. Just how it rolls. Having realistic expectations (regarding pretty much anything, not just romance) allows you to enjoy the good and not have a personal crisis over the bad. Understanding that everything in life comes with the good and the bad, is what helps you avoid the ugly. People who let themselves get blindsided get the good, the bad and the ugly, but mostly the ugly because they can't trust the good enough to enjoy it while constantly obsessing over the bad. If you approach dating like it's either gonna be wonderfully glorious or a total ****ing nightmare, then it will be a total ****ing nightmare by default. Great advice, so true. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted January 11, 2015 Share Posted January 11, 2015 (edited) Any advice? I'm tired of being so pessimistic about love and I really wanna find "exercises" or something to help me outta this funk. If you want to be loved, be loving. If you want peace, be peaceful. If you want kindness, be kind. If you want to be listened to, listen to others. If you want to be understood, be understanding. If you want forgiveness, be forgiving. You get the picture. That list could go on forever. Reach out to people. Make everyone that you meet feel that they have been noticed, and their value seen. Keep an open mind and an open heart. Trust life. Edited January 11, 2015 by Satu Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted January 11, 2015 Share Posted January 11, 2015 I had a situation that destroyed my idealism and trust forever not just with men but with women. But you have to learn to wade back in and just bail when you see the red flags. And it's true you won't always see them. I really didn't it coming what happened to me. Look at it this way. The world didn't change. Your perception of it changed. You had trust and some optimism and idealism before conducive to romance and now you not only don't trust other people, but you don't trust yourself to not get into a bad situation again -- and at least for me, who considers herself overly perceptive, that shook me the hardest, that even a simple-minded individual can sometimes screw your romantic or work life up. I've had it happen to both. You aren't in control of everything and can't know everything coming down the road. You must also realize though, as a good new friend told me, that not everyone would do that to you. It would be against many people's principles to hurt someone when it could be avoided. Still, relationships wax and wane and where there's love, there's a certain amount of risk and hurt involved. Make a decision to go forward with this new info in mind, but do NOT project your ex's morals onto any new person's morals. Just keep an open mind and get to know her and find out what type of foundation she has before investing your heart. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Melrapuo Posted January 12, 2015 Author Share Posted January 12, 2015 I had a situation that destroyed my idealism and trust forever not just with men but with women. But you have to learn to wade back in and just bail when you see the red flags. And it's true you won't always see them. I really didn't it coming what happened to me. Look at it this way. The world didn't change. Your perception of it changed. You had trust and some optimism and idealism before conducive to romance and now you not only don't trust other people, but you don't trust yourself to not get into a bad situation again -- and at least for me, who considers herself overly perceptive, that shook me the hardest, that even a simple-minded individual can sometimes screw your romantic or work life up. I've had it happen to both. You aren't in control of everything and can't know everything coming down the road. You must also realize though, as a good new friend told me, that not everyone would do that to you. It would be against many people's principles to hurt someone when it could be avoided. Still, relationships wax and wane and where there's love, there's a certain amount of risk and hurt involved. Make a decision to go forward with this new info in mind, but do NOT project your ex's morals onto any new person's morals. Just keep an open mind and get to know her and find out what type of foundation she has before investing your heart. Good luck. Thank you, all of you, for the great advice. I am scared that history will repeat itself, but I also understand that I'm the only thing holding myself back. One step at a time I suppose Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted January 12, 2015 Share Posted January 12, 2015 Two good ways to keep history from repeating itself is taking a good look at yourself because you are the common denominator. Be sure you weren't clinging to an already crap relationship and choosing to ignore bad behavior leading up to it. The other way is to NOT give someone who betrays and lies to you a second chance. Link to post Share on other sites
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