Drunk cheating, does it count? He thinks it doesn't!

[harleygirl92156]

Ok, he told me he had an affair, one night stand and because he was drunk(an excuse that doesn't fly with me well).

 

Now, a short month later, he refuses to talk about it, yells at me "YOU HAVE TO JUST GET OVER IT". I feel like he had no regard for my pain and my need to talk. I want to know what is wrong with our relationship that caused him to do this. I feel there is a reason besides he was drunk and didn't know what he was doing. I also want to know if there have been others.

 

He refuses to talk about it and if I force the issue, he just gets angry. I am sure he wants it behind us because he doesn't want to think about the awful thing he did, he has had two years to work through it, i have had a month. Needless to say he took his pain and guilt over the incident and dumped it on me and now he feels better and I have the monkey on my back and he is not supportive at all.

 

He wants no part of counseling because he says that will just dwell on the affair and he doesn't want to. I want to know the why of it so it doesn't happen again, but he wants to just move forward as if it didn't happen. I think that is dangerous for me. Why is it dangerous, because if he does it again he again exposes me to STD's without my knowledge.

 

I agreed to give it a year, but now have second thoughts. Do I just go to counseling myself?

 

Thing is if he did it again, I would probably never know, I didn't know the first time until he told me and I think he did that just to clear HIS mind of it and not because he felt it was something he needed to do to help our marriage.

 

PS. he is a recovering alcoholic and has been sober 4 months. This came out just after he finished 30 day in house treatment.

What do I do, I am at a loss and feel really alone in this. I feel like he dumped his dirt on me to deal with and he then just walked away feeling relieved and renewed while ruining my life.

[Mr Spock]

Part of recovering from alcoholism is accepting and owning up to all the a**h*** things you did while on the sauce.

 

 

It counts.

 

 

Really, if he doesn't have the fear that you'll dump him arse there's nothing you can do to make him see your point. It's what makes men tow the line in terms of putting up with the fallout. Or he doesn't care. Even worse.

[LucreziaBorgia]

Originally posted by harleygirl92156

Ok, he told me he had an affair, one night stand and because he was drunk(an excuse that doesn't fly with me well).

 

When you first posted about this, you said he had done this during a blackout, and that he couldn't remember being with someone but he thought he may have been. Did his story change since then?

 

If he did do it during a blackout, and has trouble remembering it - it could explain why he doesn't want to talk about it. The fact that it happened two years ago, under very different circumstances and as a very different person may have something to do with it too. When you put an ugly part of your life behind you, and learn to cope with it, and learn not to repeat those mistakes, the last thing you want is someone dragging all that crap out again.

 

But... that's not to say you don't have a valid point. For you, its brand new - and just because he has put it to rest doesn't mean that you are expected to. It may have not crossed his mind to do that again, but that doesn't make you any less afraid that it had happened again.

 

Do I just go to counseling myself?

 

It definitely couldn't hurt.

 

You can suggest marriage counseling, and it definitely wouldn't hurt either. Don't make it be about the "affair" - make it be about learning to communicate your fears and insecurities about the relationship. The problem isn't the "affair" that happened two years ago under a blackout. The problem is the fallout that it has caused for you and your relationship since he revealed it. He needs to understand that your fears are very real, and he needs to learn how to listen to them and not just cut you off when you try to talk to him about it.

 

You will both have to agree to compromise on this in order to get past it: he needs to be willing to accept your emotional state as valid and worth discussing, and you need to let go of this fixation on this "affair" - and get to the real issues: clearing the fallout after the fact, and learning to understand, accept and work with each other's concerns in order to rebuild trust.

 

If neither of you is willing to compromise in order to get the help you both need to strengthen your relationship, then this relationship is already over. Its just a matter of time before it actually ends.

[CurlyIam]

HE's in denial. HE cheated and he blames it on his alcoholism. Sorry, hi being an alcoholic makes it his problem also. If he doens't know when to stop, it's his fault.

 

I don't see no convicted killers getting away with mudrering someone because they were drunk, none the less because that person was an alcoholic. HE knew he had a problem with the bottle, right? So what was he seeking in a bar? Entertainement.

 

I think you need to stand up for yourself. HE is the only one to blame for f*ckingup his life and your relationship. If he doesn't want to take that/can't handle it, dump him.

 

 

I know alcoholism is a desease. I also know that there is such a thing as personal responsability. Girl, if you persist with this attitude, you'll become his personal doormat. You're very close to this point.

[Moose]

Being drunk isn't an excuse. You're right in trying to find the reason why he cheated though. If it's something you're failing to give him in the marriage, it's your duty to find out and fix it. Explain it to him that way and don't let him use that brick wall, "I told you, I was drunk, it's nothing you did or didn't do", Bull.

 

It wouldn't be a bad idea for you to seek an Alanon group in your area either. Are you near the Quad Cities?

[Lonestar]

There may not be a reason why he cheated. He's a recovering alcoholic. Drunks do lots of things they regret because of their drinking, and they hurt many people they love. He probably went out one night, got all wasted as usual, and cheated because it just happened. Someone who drinks that much has no control over the things they do. That's why the lives of alcoholics and drug addicts fall apart. They lose everything important to them for a substance that controls their lives. Are you going to Alanon?

 

He cheated two years ago, you found out a month ago, so I understand why you need answers to help you deal with the pain, but I highly doubt he has any answers, and that's why he doesn't want to talk about it. He told you the truth and obviously feels that's enough. The question is is that good enough for you?

 

You're not going to get anything more from him. His main focus right now is staying sober, not dealing with emotional things that will make him angry and want to drink. I think you need to decide if you can live like this for the rest of your life. If the admission with no answers is not good enough for you (because he's been clear you're not getting any more than that), then you need to walk away from this man. And you don't have to walk for good. You can separate and take a break for awhile. It may help you heal and figure out if you really can let the past go, or if you need to move on.

[Moose]

There may not be a reason why he cheated. He's a recovering alcoholic. Drunks do lots of things they regret because of their drinking, and they hurt many people they love. He probably went out one night, got all wasted as usual, and cheated because it just happened. Someone who drinks that much has no control over the things they do.

This is a cop out! I am an alcoholic and I can tell you that if he was able to get a hard on and was able to get his freak on, he knew exactly what he was doing when he did it. The alcohol probably made it easier for him, but it's no excuse to carry it out.

[Lonestar]

Originally posted by Moose

This is a cop out! I am an alcoholic and I can tell you that if he was able to get a hard on and was able to get his freak on, he knew exactly what he was doing when he did it. The alcohol probably made it easier for him, but it's no excuse to carry it out.

 

Moose, I didn't say it was an excuse. Alcoholics and addicts are essentially miserable selfish people who care more about a substance that ruins their lives and everyone around them. Yes, he knew what he was doing when he did it, but at the time he didn't care because alcohol and the world that comes with it was more important that his wife.

 

There is nothing she can do to change that now if she chooses to be with him, and I personally don't think she's going to find some deep rooted meaning as to why he cheated. He cheated because that lifestyle encourages and condones it.

[CurlyIam]

No way. My dad was a drunk for the biggest part of my childhood. I remember what he was like when he was drunk. I also remember what he was like when he was drunk and had an affair.

 

Sorry, if you're dead drunk, you fall of your legs to the ground. You don't get an erection, pull your trousers down and have sexual intercourse with a woman.

 

 

There are deeper issues. the deep issue here is that YES, he didn't give a damn about you. All he cared about was his needs. And that's the truth. Drinking may have made it easier. Yet not all alcoholics are cheaters.

 

Alcoholics get violent too. YEt not alcoholics get into fights.

 

 

HE chose to cheat, drunk or not, meaningless or not. He was a selfish son of b@stard. You were nowhere near in his thoughts or in his life at that moment. Regardless of which "wifey" duties you've neglected to comply with.

 

There's nothing that justifies sexual affairs. Nothing. YEs, temptation does exist. Yes, you may get carried away and kiss someone. But whatever goes beyond that has no EXCUSE but his choice to DO SO.

 

Just my 2 cents, as someone who lived with it and vividly remembers it.

[harleygirl92156]

When you first posted about this, you said he had done this during a blackout, and that he couldn't remember being with someone but he thought he may have been. Did his story change since then?

 

Oh yea, the story has changed, I have now been told who it was, someone he worked with up until a couple months ago, she got divorced shortly afterward, he knows where she lives, (in another town), exactly how old she is, how many kids, their names, her x-hubby's name, her new boyfriends name...etc. He had the BALLS to take me into a bar he knew she was in and introduce me to her one night when he was drinking. I had no idea who she was at the time, but that really pisses me off now. When I ask him what in the hell he did that for of course I get the STANDARD alcoholic answer, I don't know why I did any of the things I did when I was drunk.......blah, blah, blah.

 

So his telling me the rest of the story only did one thing, made me realize he LIES sober too........

 

I am in a really hard spot. I want to make the relationship work, but I fear there will never be trust and I fear he will do it again because I have been unable to pin him down on the reason it happened and I don't go for the drunk ****, he knew what he was doing and even if at the time he just gave in to alcohol, there is still a reason he gave in, he was looking for something. I guess I just can't give into the fact that it may have just been pure selfishness on his part, but I dont' know why, there is nothing more selfish than an active alcoholic. It will happen again if the reason is not discussed and worked through and I can't do that alone soooo, it is hopeless I guess. Much as I don't want to admit that, I guess as I write this, I realize it is.

 

Guess I can just live my own life and work on not loving him. I can feel that happening already, but it is forced on my part because I do love him deeply, but am forcing myself to hate him.

 

I am confused.......

[WithOrWithoutYou]

Yeah, his excuse is lame. I mean, if YOU got hammered, went off and screwed some strange guy behind his back, lied about it for a year, and then later told him about it, but said "I don't wanna talk about it because it didn't mean anything and it just happened when I was drunk", WTF would HE have to say about it? You might try asking HIM that question, if he is having some trouble understanding why this is a big deal for you.