gnick Posted January 5, 2015 Share Posted January 5, 2015 (edited) I'm 51 years old.I started dating a 43 year old girl last march and she dumped me the last of oct. We had a lot of things in common and really enjoyed each others company.we used to see each other an average of twice a month all the way to the end. This girl was unlike any other girl I've ever met in that she never argued or raised her voice.she was also very tight lipped about her feelings and where I stood with her.she had been married in her 20s but left due to the guy having mental problems according to her.she also was only 6 weeks removed from getting out of a long term relationship when we met . She had a high position sales job and was really into it plus she spent alot of time with hobbies. Like I said we got along really well.spent some time out of town and generally had a good time. I was allways really nice to her which I think caused some problems. I texted to much,I let her plan to many dates,bought things for her plus fixed things around her house. One thing I didn't do though was act jealous and worry about what she was doing. She did whatever she wanted.anyway, the last 2 weeks she started acting distant which kind of alarmed me and I responded by getting clingier. Finally on a Saturday morning she texted that she wanted to break up but stay friends. She told me how great a guy I was and all the usual bull**** but she just wasn't feeling it.that's the only reason she ever gave. I texted and called on and off for the next 6 weeks trying to get her back. She Allmost immediately stopped responding to me at all. I never begged,got angry or threatening but I was trying hard to talk her into getting back together. Another stupid thing I did was send a long email to her. We did meet about 3 weeks ago because I had something of hers.we talked briefly but she was cold and disinterested. I've been in no contact since then. I absolutely loved this girl and I don't ever remember being this hurt even when I was young. Im just a ball of emotions from depression to extreme anger. I've allways stayed in shape and I'm dating other women but I can't get over this one.all I want is to get her back. I'm sure she lost attraction. Sex was usually good but not allways. She just says I'm a great guy for someone else. It's been over 2 months and I'm still just devastated. Any comments would be appreciated Edited January 9, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Paragraphs and merge similar topics Link to post Share on other sites
SoThatHappened Posted January 5, 2015 Share Posted January 5, 2015 she also was only 6 weeks removed from getting out of a long term relationship when we met ... the last 2 weeks she started acting distant ... She Allmost immediately stopped responding to me at all. ... she was cold and disinterested. I hate being this cynical, but all signs point to: 1) Her long-term ex coming back into the picture (you were likely a rebound) or 2) Someone else coming into the picture. Textbook. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author gnick Posted January 5, 2015 Author Share Posted January 5, 2015 I'm sure she's dating someone else and pretty sure she was doing it before she broke it off with me. I want her back and I want to beat the hell out of her lol. Everyday I want to call and ask"are you happy with this?because I think it sucks" Link to post Share on other sites
SoThatHappened Posted January 6, 2015 Share Posted January 6, 2015 Yep. Textbook. Sounds like she was doing more than emotional cheating if you're admitting to knowing there was someone else. The #1 thing you need to do right now is act like she died and become a ghost to her. Not to get her back, but to heal. You only spent 1% of your life with her. Think about that. I know it doesn't make the pain any easier. I know all too well. I only spent about 9 months with someone who shook me to my core for the first time. You will get past this. No contact (read the no contact guide pinned to the top of these forum sections). It's gonna suck, but it does get better. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author gnick Posted January 6, 2015 Author Share Posted January 6, 2015 (edited) HiThanks for the responses.the last time i seen her I gave her some Christmas treats for her dogs. I allways liked them plus I got a book for her.I know more pathetic nice guy ****.she was supposed to send some pics but never did.the last thing I did for her was dog sit at her place while she was gone.hell I even pulled her toilet and fixed it while she was gone to save her money. The more I think about it the madder I get.all I want to do is go over there and have it out. I was really fooled. I really thought she gave a **** about me Edited January 6, 2015 by gnick Link to post Share on other sites
mtnbiker3000 Posted January 6, 2015 Share Posted January 6, 2015 Have you ever read No More Mr Nice Guy by Robert Glover?? If not, I highly recommend it!!! 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author gnick Posted January 6, 2015 Author Share Posted January 6, 2015 No I havent.I'll check it out. Also we used to see each other twice a week not twice a month Link to post Share on other sites
Danda Posted January 6, 2015 Share Posted January 6, 2015 We had a lot of things in common and really enjoyed each others company.we used to see each other an average of twice a month all the way to the end. This girl was unlike any other girl I've ever met in that she never argued or raised her voice.she was also very tight lipped about her feelings and where I stood with her.she had been married in her 20s but left due to the guy having mental problems according to her.she also was only 6 weeks removed from getting out of a long term relationship when we met . She had a high position sales job and was really into it plus she spent alot of time with hobbies. The part I bolded, are you listing that as one of the great things about this woman? If so that is.. kind of strange that you would see that as a good thing. You shouldn't accept someone being exclusive with you for almost a year and yet never telling you how they feel about you, let along see it as a positive thing. But maybe the way it's all strung together just makes it look like a positive thing you're listing and you knew it wasn't. In any case for the future that is a red flag. Sounds like you probably had a decent amount of denial going on for a while, if you never needed her to tell you how she felt about you and just assumed it was all good. And if I was with someone who was okay with me never talking about my feelings, I'd probably never really grow close to them. Maybe during the honeymoon phase it would be "fun" but I'd assume that they just saw me as a source of sex and entertainment, like they're just happy to be in a relationship for the sake of it, but don't really feel a connection to me. I wouldn't really feel a connection to them. You'll probably never know for sure if there was someone else on her mind or not, if she cheated or not, if she liked the sex or not, etc etc etc. Doesn't really matter, though. All that matters is that it's over and time to move on. But in the future you need to insist on better communication and emotional openness. Like don't push for it hard too early, but before becoming exclusive there should be an expression of emotional desire from the person, and by 2-3 months into the relationship there should be a new level of emotional intimacy having formed or started forming. If that's not there it's a big red flag, not something positive or something to be okay with. The fact that you were apparently okay with it so long as she stayed around is a red flag about you, as well. It almost sounds like you thought of her as a sort of pet, treating her nice, feeding her and so on but never needing emotional intimacy. And by "needing" I mean either you got emotional intimacy or you called it quits. Neither happened which means you didn't need it and were 'okay' with the way things were. Some introspection is probably in order for you. Girlfriends are not pets. Treat them with respect and empathy but don't take care of them like a pet or child and believe that that's all a relationship takes, lest you wind up just getting used by someone else who doesn't need or has an aversion to emotional intimacy. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Author gnick Posted January 6, 2015 Author Share Posted January 6, 2015 I should clarify a few things.I'm not the best writer. 1st of all the fact that she didn't talk about how she felt bothered me.sorry if I didn't communicate it correctly.she was loving and nice to be around but other than calling me her boyfriend she never talked about feelings. I tried twice to find out where I stood and got shot down pretty quickly. As a matter of fact I think bringing it up may have contributed to the break up. Her answer was basically. ....let's not talk about it.it's fine.so me not wanting to start **** just left it alone. But in response to what you said. Yes there were plenty of signs Link to post Share on other sites
Maggie4 Posted January 6, 2015 Share Posted January 6, 2015 I'm wondering if you met her online? I am curious because this sort of story is not unusual when strangers meet and you have no common ties (friends, work, church). You would have no way of knowing if this was a rebound. And did you ever meet her family? Link to post Share on other sites
Author gnick Posted January 6, 2015 Author Share Posted January 6, 2015 I did meet her online. Both her parents are dead Link to post Share on other sites
Maggie4 Posted January 6, 2015 Share Posted January 6, 2015 I see. Yeah, there are older people who met online and have these relationships that typically last less than a year. It can be very devastating when it ends, and you're left searching for answers. I said older people, because we're looking at people perhaps divorced, or women who don't want more children. The mind set is different from people in the 20's who met online. In one way or another, the relationship seems as unreal as the internet. You may have seen her as a real gf, but she did not. She is still being a screen name, even when you're physically together. Perhaps she was just lonely. Some people prefer being impersonal, some just forgot how to deal with real people. And then there are ones with personality disorders who find refuge and a huge playground online. It's somewhere they can easily create illusions and role play for a few months at a time. I think you met one of those. She may be a very normal person, good job, etc. but her "real life" is kept disconnected from you, the online man, so that she can easily cut ties with you when the time comes. That's my opinion, from what I have seen/heard. Hope it helps you. Imagine if this happened with three different women you met online one after another. By the third one, you see the pattern, and you're not as hurt. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Itspointless Posted January 6, 2015 Share Posted January 6, 2015 Unfortunately our brains do not give a crap about age. Especially when we fall into old patterns, the reason mtnbiker3000 recommended you that book. This girl was unlike any other girl I've ever met in that she never argued or raised her voice.she was also very tight lipped about her feelings and where I stood with her. And I guess at first she was as passionate with you as you never experienced before? A dream come true. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author gnick Posted January 6, 2015 Author Share Posted January 6, 2015 I keep trying to figure out what I did to cause her to lose attraction Link to post Share on other sites
Itspointless Posted January 6, 2015 Share Posted January 6, 2015 I keep trying to figure out what I did to cause her to lose attraction Well, it does not seem that she processed the break-up well before she met you. Chances are you are a rebound and the ex came back or she just changed her mind. On the other hand she sounds avoidant attached, than your affection perhaps was to real and to absorbing to handle for her. Did something happen before she started distancing, did you open up more, did you say I love you, or did you try to bring the relation to the next step? Link to post Share on other sites
Author gnick Posted January 6, 2015 Author Share Posted January 6, 2015 Yep I asked where we stood in the relationship.looking for a qualification on what we were doing and where we stood. You could tell that freaked her out. I told her to just forget about it and let's just keep going like we were but you could tell that caused problems.I was also asking to see her more Link to post Share on other sites
Itspointless Posted January 6, 2015 Share Posted January 6, 2015 Yep I asked where we stood in the relationship.looking for a qualification on what we were doing and where we stood. You could tell that freaked her out. I told her to just forget about it and let's just keep going like we were but you could tell that caused problems.I was also asking to see her more You perhaps might want to do some reading on dismissive-avoidant and fearful-avoidant attachment if these sound familair to you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author gnick Posted January 6, 2015 Author Share Posted January 6, 2015 I will do that. I've heard of the terms before. I wish there was something I could say to this girl but no matter what I came up with I would just make it worse wouldn't i?. No matter what I came up with I would at best do nothing and most likely just lower her attraction further that's the worst thing. Not being able to take any action. Link to post Share on other sites
Itspointless Posted January 6, 2015 Share Posted January 6, 2015 I am afraid that is the bitter truth. You have done everything already. It is one of those circumstances in life where we are powerless. The only thing we can do is work on ourselves; so easily said, I know. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
JonjMie Posted January 6, 2015 Share Posted January 6, 2015 The part I bolded, are you listing that as one of the great things about this woman? If so that is.. kind of strange that you would see that as a good thing. You shouldn't accept someone being exclusive with you for almost a year and yet never telling you how they feel about you, let along see it as a positive thing. But maybe the way it's all strung together just makes it look like a positive thing you're listing and you knew it wasn't. In any case for the future that is a red flag. Sounds like you probably had a decent amount of denial going on for a while, if you never needed her to tell you how she felt about you and just assumed it was all good. And if I was with someone who was okay with me never talking about my feelings, I'd probably never really grow close to them. Maybe during the honeymoon phase it would be "fun" but I'd assume that they just saw me as a source of sex and entertainment, like they're just happy to be in a relationship for the sake of it, but don't really feel a connection to me. I wouldn't really feel a connection to them. You'll probably never know for sure if there was someone else on her mind or not, if she cheated or not, if she liked the sex or not, etc etc etc. Doesn't really matter, though. All that matters is that it's over and time to move on. But in the future you need to insist on better communication and emotional openness. Like don't push for it hard too early, but before becoming exclusive there should be an expression of emotional desire from the person, and by 2-3 months into the relationship there should be a new level of emotional intimacy having formed or started forming. If that's not there it's a big red flag, not something positive or something to be okay with. The fact that you were apparently okay with it so long as she stayed around is a red flag about you, as well. It almost sounds like you thought of her as a sort of pet, treating her nice, feeding her and so on but never needing emotional intimacy. And by "needing" I mean either you got emotional intimacy or you called it quits. Neither happened which means you didn't need it and were 'okay' with the way things were. Some introspection is probably in order for you. Girlfriends are not pets. Treat them with respect and empathy but don't take care of them like a pet or child and believe that that's all a relationship takes, lest you wind up just getting used by someone else who doesn't need or has an aversion to emotional intimacy. Sorry to hijack but read this and it's so true in the majority, especially of me and my ex, she was difficult to build a relationship with in terms of verbal intimacy, sex was amazing, occasionally she said she loved me, early on she wouldn't leave me alone with texts but today it ended after hardly responding. Link to post Share on other sites
Author gnick Posted January 6, 2015 Author Share Posted January 6, 2015 I'll tell you folks.I'm Allmost at 3 weeks no contact.I have no illusions.this isn't the type of girl that will contact me.she's to independent and self assured.really haVing a hard time the last few days and I've come close to texting her a few times.thanks everyone. Link to post Share on other sites
Eddy Street Posted January 6, 2015 Share Posted January 6, 2015 You've obviously never heard of Johnny Cash... Link to post Share on other sites
Author gnick Posted January 6, 2015 Author Share Posted January 6, 2015 Ive loved johnny cash since I was 6 years old Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted January 6, 2015 Share Posted January 6, 2015 Yep I asked where we stood in the relationship.looking for a qualification on what we were doing and where we stood. You could tell that freaked her out. I told her to just forget about it and let's just keep going like we were but you could tell that caused problems.I was also asking to see her more She had perhaps already made her mind up at that point the relationship was going nowhere, so it may have been an awkward question for her, hence her freaking out. At 51 you are in a different place from a 43 year old, she may be still wanted kids, she was maybe looking at guys her own age or even younger. We all live within our own popular cultural references and an age gap of almost 10 years can mean there is a bit of a disconnect. Would you consider dating a 61 year old, how much would you have in common with a woman of that age? The assumption is that women must find men 10 years older interesting, and that is not always the case. At 43 and an independent, self assured woman, she is just getting into her stride. From what you say do not hold your breath.. Move on. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted January 6, 2015 Share Posted January 6, 2015 we used to see each other an average of twice a month all the way to the end. Just read this - "an average of twice a month all the way to the end." - what sort of relationsihp was that??? I see my butcher more often. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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