Simon Phoenix Posted January 11, 2015 Share Posted January 11, 2015 No no no... It matters very much how it is done. If you are gonna go ahead and hurt somebody, that's cool. The relationship is done, that's cool too. But have the maturity of a grown up person to do it. A 43 year old high powered sales exec knows how to deal with people. Has she closed a lot of deals via a text? Has she dumped a lot of clients via a text? No? Then have the balls that you have in your professional life and use them in your personal life too. Otherwise, you are plain and simple disrespecting the person you are/were with. Plain and simple. You're damned if you do, damned if you don't if you are a dumper. There's no way of being dumped that will make the dumpee say "Hey, even though you have broken my heart and made my life miserable, at least you dumped me in a respectful way, so thanks!" I mean, I don't advocate people being d--ks, but I ger why it's done. The "respectful" dumpings don't work out well either -- either the dumpee hates you anyway or the dumpee is so confused by the fact that you dumped them "nicely" that they don't take a hint and keep trying to be buddy-buddy and intimate with someone who wants to be done with you. Personally, I'd rather someone be callous and cold and dump me "badly". Makes it a lot easier for me to say "well, f--k you then" and move forward. I'm not going to pretend like that's how everyone will or should react, but personally for me, the worse the better. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Invictus01 Posted January 11, 2015 Share Posted January 11, 2015 But it still doesn't alter the fact, he is still dumped. She can respect or disrespect all she likes, he is still dumped. She could have written a 20 page dissertation on the subject, but it makes no difference, he is stll dumped. I would guess, 20 pages to obsess over every word. We have all been there, nothing helps. One day at a time and gradually our lives fall back into place. Closure helps. Somebody looking in your eyes and saying "It is over. We are done." helps. A lot. Link to post Share on other sites
Author gnick Posted January 11, 2015 Author Share Posted January 11, 2015 I know I need to come to terms it's over but I was hoping in 3 or 6 months we might reconcile but I feel like I ruined my chances. I had a date with a beautiful girl last night but I talked about my ex.how stupid am i?all I can do is laugh at myself. Thanks for the responses Link to post Share on other sites
BC1980 Posted January 12, 2015 Share Posted January 12, 2015 Closure helps. Somebody looking in your eyes and saying "It is over. We are done." helps. A lot. I know it seems like a face to face would help in theory, but I honestly don't think it matters to most people. Someone dumping you to your face still cannot erase all of the memories you have of them saying "forever" and "I love you." It doesn't compute at that point of the dumping. I was dumped face to face, and it didn't give me one bit of closure. He could have dropped off the face of the earth, and it would have had the same effect. For months, I still wondered if he would change his mind and couldn't make sense of his future faking. Link to post Share on other sites
JonjMie Posted January 12, 2015 Share Posted January 12, 2015 Hey man, here is the deal. A 43 year old woman, after months of dating, doesn't even bother to pick up the phone and call you and dumps you with a text. This isn't high school. This a grown up woman doing that. Things don't get much more disrespectful than that. Show her that you respect yourself and walk away like she never existed. You are better than this childish BS. Exactly the same as my story, same age too, mate you've taken a backward step, look at your own advice you've given me, focus, keep NC and look to the future, imagine her in your rear view mirror getting further away as you move towards a better you and a better life. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author gnick Posted January 12, 2015 Author Share Posted January 12, 2015 Yep it's a lot easier to give advice than follow it. Got to get over thinking if there's just some magic words I could come up with I could save this big Pyle of **** lol Link to post Share on other sites
Itspointless Posted January 12, 2015 Share Posted January 12, 2015 I think exes owe it to each-other to show respect, to me that means talking to each-other face to face. It is the gesture that counts. Closure can only come from grieving, well at least if the love had not died on both sides already. Unfortunately I have the same experience as BC1980, still I find the gesture important. She broke via text, and we met later on. That experience learnt me that I did not recognize her at all. At first I thought it was the medications for her medical condition (the stressor that caused it). With her I learnt something very different that I would never have understood without seeing her: how some attachmentstyles work out when people have stress, push push push, supress, supress, ignore, ignore, etc. Seeing that broke me, but ultimately it has helped me. Link to post Share on other sites
BC1980 Posted January 12, 2015 Share Posted January 12, 2015 I think exes owe it to each-other to show respect, to me that means talking to each-other face to face. It is the gesture that counts. Closure can only come from grieving, well at least if the love had not died on both sides already. Unfortunately I have the same experience as BC1980, still I find the gesture important. She broke via text, and we met later on. That experience learnt me that I did not recognize her at all. At first I thought it was the medications for her medical condition (the stressor that caused it). With her I learnt something very different that I would never have understood without seeing her: how some attachmentstyles work out when people have stress, push push push, supress, supress, ignore, ignore, etc. Seeing that broke me, but ultimately it has helped me. I do agree that it should be done in person to at least show some level of respect, but I can also tell you that you aren't missing out on anything if that doesn't happen. After all is said and done, it doesn't matter how the person broke up with you. If they disappeared in the night or gave you five million closure talks. You are still left with the reality. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Simon Phoenix Posted January 12, 2015 Share Posted January 12, 2015 I think exes owe it to each-other to show respect, to me that means talking to each-other face to face. It is the gesture that counts. Closure can only come from grieving, well at least if the love had not died on both sides already. Unfortunately I have the same experience as BC1980, still I find the gesture important. She broke via text, and we met later on. That experience learnt me that I did not recognize her at all. At first I thought it was the medications for her medical condition (the stressor that caused it). With her I learnt something very different that I would never have understood without seeing her: how some attachmentstyles work out when people have stress, push push push, supress, supress, ignore, ignore, etc. Seeing that broke me, but ultimately it has helped me. While having respect is something that should be desired, I don't think it helps the breakup process for the dumpee at all. Whether or not you have a shiny bow on the turn you gave me doesn't change the fact that you gave me a turd. Link to post Share on other sites
Itspointless Posted January 13, 2015 Share Posted January 13, 2015 While having respect is something that should be desired, I don't think it helps the breakup process for the dumpee at all. Whether or not you have a shiny bow on the turn you gave me doesn't change the fact that you gave me a turd. This is one of those instances the English language makes me Love this sentence. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Elle1975 Posted January 13, 2015 Share Posted January 13, 2015 I know I need to come to terms it's over but I was hoping in 3 or 6 months we might reconcile but I feel like I ruined my chances. I had a date with a beautiful girl last night but I talked about my ex.how stupid am i?all I can do is laugh at myself. Thanks for the responses Nick, you remind me of one of my ex bfs. I broke up with him after a couple years of him being a total db. Granted, you described yourself as a good bf, but you two still have something in common. After I broke up with him, he'd kept pestering me for a second chance. The guy would keep dropping by my work place (I worked retail). That went on for about 4 years. Every few months, he'd drop by. And every few months, I'd have to say no. It had come to a point where I'd feel irritation, disgust, and pity toward the guy, because No means NO. I don't work there anymore, and I have moved to another apartment, thank goodness. Don't be that guy. She's not gonna change her mind in 3 months or a year. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author gnick Posted January 13, 2015 Author Share Posted January 13, 2015 Nick, you remind me of one of my ex bfs. I broke up with him after a couple years of him being a total db. Granted, you described yourself as a good bf, but you two still have something in common. After I broke up with him, he'd kept pestering me for a second chance. The guy would keep dropping by my work place (I worked retail). That went on for about 4 years. Every few months, he'd drop by. And every few months, I'd have to say no. It had come to a point where I'd feel irritation, disgust, and pity toward the guy, because No means NO. I don't work there anymore, and I have moved to another apartment, thank goodness. Don't be that guy. She's not gonna change her mind in 3 months or a year. I think it's possible she could change her mind but not very likely.one things for sure if I keep chasing her I'll change it to a 100%chance she wont. I think my biggest problem in the relationship was that I was to much of a nice guy so to speak.at the end I don't think she respected me. Got to work on myself Link to post Share on other sites
Author gnick Posted January 13, 2015 Author Share Posted January 13, 2015 Also I know you learn all these things from broken relationships and you have good times but I would pay good money to erase this girl along with anything I may have learned or any good from my memories. Not worth the pain .I would rather be fat dumb and happy. Atleast dumb and happy Link to post Share on other sites
dumbass2 Posted January 13, 2015 Share Posted January 13, 2015 I think it's possible she could change her mind but not very likely.one things for sure if I keep chasing her I'll change it to a 100%chance she wont. I think my biggest problem in the relationship was that I was to much of a nice guy so to speak.at the end I don't think she respected me. Got to work on myself I'm in your same age range and my ex about 5 years younger. If you have good self awareness and can see that this might be a problem for you, then go get that book "No More Mr Nice Guy" that was recommended to you. Someone on here recommended it to me and I bought and read it. I thought it might be the case with me and after reading it, I found out that I fell into the "nice guy" label. Too nice and understanding, but I have learned a lot about myself and you can too and improve yourself for your next relationship. I have and I am even more confident for my next relationship because of my self awareness. If you have that, you can learn and improve. My ex came back into my life and now that I am indifferent, she does not get to reap the benefits from my improvement. She did not want to help me work things out, so now it's her loss, though I do thank her for the wake up call. Link to post Share on other sites
Author gnick Posted January 13, 2015 Author Share Posted January 13, 2015 I'm in your same age range and my ex about 5 years younger. If you have good self awareness and can see that this might be a problem for you, then go get that book "No More Mr Nice Guy" that was recommended to you. Someone on here recommended it to me and I bought and read it. I thought it might be the case with me and after reading it, I found out that I fell into the "nice guy" label. Too nice and understanding, but I have learned a lot about myself and you can too and improve yourself for your next relationship. I have and I am even more confident for my next relationship because of my self awareness. If you have that, you can learn and improve. My ex came back into my life and now that I am indifferent, she does not get to reap the benefits from my improvement. She did not want to help me work things out, so now it's her loss, though I do thank her for the wake up call. I down loaded it after the recommendation 1 Link to post Share on other sites
mtnbiker3000 Posted January 13, 2015 Share Posted January 13, 2015 (edited) I am lucky in that there is a 6-man support group based on his work, right here in my new city. Been going for close to year. I also found the book "Toxic Parents" by Susan Forward to be very enlightening... If you're like me, it will be a life-long journey. But well worth it... Well, really, there is no alternative!! Edited January 13, 2015 by mtnbiker3000 1 Link to post Share on other sites
JonjMie Posted January 13, 2015 Share Posted January 13, 2015 Nick have you got mates you can talk to ? Which city are you based in ? Link to post Share on other sites
Author gnick Posted January 13, 2015 Author Share Posted January 13, 2015 Not really.I work out of town every week and on odd shifts so I'm alone alot. I live in the middle of the US Link to post Share on other sites
Author gnick Posted January 14, 2015 Author Share Posted January 14, 2015 How do you guys fight the urge to come up with one more perfect text or email to try to fix things.I blocked all the numbers and addresses but it's all I can think of.the only thing that helps is reading posts on here Link to post Share on other sites
NopeNah Posted January 14, 2015 Share Posted January 14, 2015 How do you guys fight the urge to come up with one more perfect text or email to try to fix things.I blocked all the numbers and addresses but it's all I can think of.the only thing that helps is reading posts on here I fought with myself over this the past few days.. Thing is: I couldn't think of anything in this world, that I can say, to get her back. She's gone! Acceptance comes from within. Nothing your or my ex could have said to us would make it any easier. Just have to accept it and get on with living. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Simon Phoenix Posted January 14, 2015 Share Posted January 14, 2015 How do you guys fight the urge to come up with one more perfect text or email to try to fix things.I blocked all the numbers and addresses but it's all I can think of.the only thing that helps is reading posts on here The knowledge that there's no such thing as a perfect text and that just the attempt of a perfect text will put you further behind. Seriously dude, you just need to stop being your worst enemy, so don't give in to these urges. They've done you an extreme disservice thus far. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
mtnbiker3000 Posted January 14, 2015 Share Posted January 14, 2015 Yeah. There is no such thing as 'one last text'... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BC1980 Posted January 14, 2015 Share Posted January 14, 2015 Yeah. There is no such thing as 'one last text'... All that does is open the door for more drama and more opportunities for you to look foolish. Trust me, I've been there and done that. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author gnick Posted January 14, 2015 Author Share Posted January 14, 2015 Thanks guys.I need reenforcement Link to post Share on other sites
Author gnick Posted January 20, 2015 Author Share Posted January 20, 2015 After a lot of thinking on my part here's some things I think I did. I was at times to complacent, I let her plan things instead of taking the initiative. I texted to much especially when I didn't hear from her. I didn't blow up her phone but to much. I may have gotten a little boring. I thought sex was good for the most part. She says it wasn't the problem but she may be lying. I was allways fixing something or buying flowers etc.that probably didn't help. Mostly I was really nice and respectful. Just beating myself up again lol Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts