Why stay?

[loveboid]

I ask this of you, betrayed spouses, who stay for years in a marriage you say is dead. I read so many stories that BS are miserable and yet they stay, and they say they plan to stay until death!

 

This looks the same to me as wayward spouses feeling miserable and staying.

 

You both could leave the marriage but you don't.

 

What do you stay for? What are you miserable about if you're both staying for the same reasons...wouldn't those shared reasons be enough to be happy about?

[jm2013]

I ask this of you, betrayed spouses, who stay for years in a marriage you say is dead. I read so many stories that BS are miserable and yet they stay, and they say they plan to stay until death!

 

This looks the same to me as wayward spouses feeling miserable and staying.

 

You both could leave the marriage but you don't.

 

What do you stay for? What are you miserable about if you're both staying for the same reasons...wouldn't those shared reasons be enough to be happy about?

 

I'm willing to bet the majority of BS's stay initially for kids, finances, health or other large things than the marriage itself. How many people would walk if there were no strings attached? If you stripped kids, finances, house and whatever else out of the decision would it be easier for the BS to walk away? I think what happens after so many years of living together you become co-dependent. The fear itself of starting new and losing everything you thought you had makes it easier for a BS to give reconciliation a better thought. Maybe something does legitimately grow after years of reconciliation. I'm not sure. This probably varies from person to person. It's like you have to find new trust and love into this completely new person. Then you will always revisit how that person was capable of such offending actions on to the person they allegedly love and care most about.

[autumnnight]

I'm willing to bet the majority of BS's stay initially for kids, finances, health or other large things than the marriage itself. How many people would walk if there were no strings attached? If you stripped kids, finances, house and whatever else out of the decision would it be easier for the BS to walk away? I think what happens after so many years of living together you become co-dependent. The fear itself of starting new and losing everything you thought you had makes it easier for a BS to give reconciliation a better thought. Maybe something does legitimately grow after years of reconciliation. I'm not sure. This probably varies from person to person. It's like you have to find new trust and love into this completely new person. Then you will always revisit how that person was capable of such offending actions on to the person they allegedly love and care most about.

 

This makes sense. I wonder if some of these reasons are why a WS deceives themselves into thinking staying but cheating is a better choice than leaving as well.

[loveboid]

Aren't kids, finances, health and other things big enough? Geez. These aren't enough to be thankful and happy about?

[jm2013]

Aren't kids, finances, health and other things big enough? Geez. These aren't enough to be thankful and happy about?

 

Are you saying those alone should make a BS happy in any reconciliation or what?

[autumnnight]

Are you saying those alone should make a BS happy in any reconciliation or what?

 

I don't think those would be enough to make a BS automatically happy to stay with someone who cheated on them. They don't cancel out pain. IF a BS stays for those reasons and is still miserable, then they have to make a very tough character decision. Do they try to focus on what they are staying FOR, and choose to be thankful for those things, or do they poison even those things by insisting on making the A the endless, punishing, focus? because those kids they are staying for WILL be affected by the poison, and assigning the blame for that solely to the cheating spouse only passes muster for so many years.

[jackslife]

Finances!

 

I've just been reading up on how assets are split in the UK. If (as a man) you are the main earner, pay all the bills, have children, wife stays at home or has a lower paid part time job and you have a lot of equity in your house, you can lose the lot!

 

It won't matter if you've worked for 30 years and paid every bill and every mortgage payment. With children staying with the mother you can lose everything.

 

Very sobering.

[jm2013]

I don't think those would be enough to make a BS automatically happy to stay with someone who cheated on them. They don't cancel out pain. IF a BS stays for those reasons and is still miserable, then they have to make a very tough character decision. Do they try to focus on what they are staying FOR, and choose to be thankful for those things, or do they poison even those things by insisting on making the A the endless, punishing, focus? because those kids they are staying for WILL be affected by the poison, and assigning the blame for that solely to the cheating spouse only passes muster for so many years.

 

Look at how many spouses post to this forum who have been betrayed by their spouse. Years later they are still devastated internally by their spouse's piss poor actions. It never goes away. Most will live in the torment for the sake of not breaking up their family over the childish behaviors exhibited by their WS.

[Mal78]

Look at how many spouses post to this forum who have been betrayed by their spouse. Years later they are still devastated internally by their spouse's piss poor actions. It never goes away. Most will live in the torment for the sake of not breaking up their family over the childish behaviors exhibited by their WS.

 

Co-dependancy. It take a lot to break the *habit* of each other especially if you have built a life together.

 

For me, my WH did all his infidelity at the beginning of our relationship. It's been 20 years since. 20 years to prove himself (although that is not quite his mindset). At the beginning, even that we had a child he wasn't convinced we were forever or even past next week. He simply didn't care.

 

I didn't want to rock the boat and in my naiveness I honestly believed we were forever or at least that is how I romanticized it. I was preoccupied with a child, he wasn't done partying.

 

My son's Physiotherapist told me just the other day that the Male brain doesn't fully mature until around 32 years old. That was the age my DH grew up, went back to school, got a degree and focused on *us*.

 

Meanwhile I am struggling to hold it together for "the sake of the kids".

 

Now, I am not as kid focused, I'm not needed as much and my dh is preoccupied with in-home hobbies I am left with questioning, "do I want to do this for the rest of my life"?!

 

I'm young still. I am fit. My sexual drive is through the roof. I need to get out (I work from home). My H is a home-body. His sex drive is nil.

 

I am 36. My eldest child is 20... Second 18... 3/4th Twins...15. I've done this all my life. My H is 39, has only done this for the past 8 or 9 years.

 

I was told, just wait when the kids get old it will get better. Nope!

[jm2013]

Co-dependancy. It take a lot to break the *habit* of each other especially if you have built a life together.

 

For me, my WH did all his infidelity at the beginning of our relationship. It's been 20 years since. 20 years to prove himself (although that is not quite his mindset). At the beginning, even that we had a child he wasn't convinced we were forever or even past next week. He simply didn't care.

 

I didn't want to rock the boat and in my naiveness I honestly believed we were forever or at least that is how I romanticized it. I was preoccupied with a child, he wasn't done partying.

 

My son's Physiotherapist told me just the other day that the Male brain doesn't fully mature until around 32 years old. That was the age my DH grew up, went back to school, got a degree and focused on *us*.

 

Meanwhile I am struggling to hold it together for "the sake of the kids".

 

Now, I am not as kid focused, I'm not needed as much and my dh is preoccupied with in-home hobbies I am left with questioning, "do I want to do this for the rest of my life"?!

 

I'm young still. I am fit. My sexual drive is through the roof. I need to get out (I work from home). My H is a home-body. His sex drive is nil.

 

I am 36. My eldest child is 20... Second 18... 3/4th Twins...15. I've done this all my life. My H is 39, has only done this for the past 8 or 9 years.

 

I was told, just wait when the kids get old it will get better. Nope!

 

So what you're basically saying is you've been miserable this whole time? Are you looking to start your own affair or just terminate your marriage?

[Midwestmissy]

I'm hashing over this now as I decide whether I should stay or go. First, we are out of our home country rt now, and I'm not making any permanent decisions until I'm back home - I do not want to be forced to remain where I am due to custody issues. So I have a few months to watch his behavior. I don't think he's still cheating, I want to see if he's able to commit to the work involved to reconcile. He claims he is.

 

Co dependent for sure. I've never known adult life without him. I love him, I loved being his wife and being married to him. Those aren't reasons to stay, but they are facts. I need to work thru them.

 

I don't want to further traumatize the kids, we are far from home, support, and I want to get them back there and get them grounded.

 

Was this affair powerful enough to destroy a 25 yr relationship of love, fun, friendship? An aberration or a true picture of who he is? Do 20+ Great yrs outweigh a 6mo affair, 2 yrs of lies? My perspective changes.

 

I'm 3 mos out from finally hearing the truth. Im so confused and angry and sad and humiliated. In my case, I can't say I'm staying, but I haven't kicked him out of the house, I have seen a lawyer a lot, and I want to make a decision based on weighing all factors. The therapy $$ we are spending on the whole family is staggering. I guess a part of me feels what we once had is worth waiting it out a few months. Again, if this sounds confusing, it's because I'm confused.

[loveboid]

This makes sense. I wonder if some of these reasons are why a WS deceives themselves into thinking staying but cheating is a better choice than leaving as well.

 

Yes, this is exactly what I was thinking. If WS and BS stay for the same reasons then what is feeling miserable about?

[jm2013]

Yes, this is exactly what I was thinking. If WS and BS stay for the same reasons then what is feeling miserable about?

 

I'm sure both carry the same internal misery after the affair. They both feel they can do better than what they've got.

[loveboid]

IF a BS stays for those reasons and is still miserable, then they have to make a very tough character decision. Do they try to focus on what they are staying FOR, and choose to be thankful for those things, or do they poison even those things by insisting on making the A the endless, punishing, focus?

 

Yes.

 

It sounds to me like BS is miserable because affair threatens kids, finances and health, but when the WS stays and those things are no longer threatened but reinforced as the reasons for staying, that now it is the BS that threatens these things by choosing to be miserable for years.

 

Cutting your nose off to spite your face?

 

If these are the reasons for getting upset about, and are the same reasons you both stay, then what is the reason for staying upset?

[autumnnight]

then what is the reason for staying upset?

 

Pride and...no, that's pretty much it

[Mal78]

So what you're basically saying is you've been miserable this whole time? Are you looking to start your own affair or just terminate your marriage?

 

I would not start an Affair. I honestly, wholeheartly believe it destroys people. There are (to me) no benefits to an A. But you asked, "Are you looking to start your own affair "? Do people actually "look to start" an A. Don't most WSs say, "it's not like I was looking to start an A... it just happened". I am not currently in any position to meet a potential A partner.

 

As for divorce? Again, I'm not sure of that. I go back and forth on that all the time. I LOVE my H. I am VERY attracted to my H. He is not very emotionally giving or loving. I crave this... I couldn't describe how much I crave it! I seek it in public with other couples and just admire from a distance. I genuinely love watching loving and emotionally connected couples.

[loveboid]

I'm sure both carry the same internal misery after the affair. They both feel they can do better than what they've got.

 

Yeah, and what I'm saying is they both got kids, finances and health so they've got a lot and isn't it enough.

[purplesorrow]

Yeah, and what I'm saying is they both got kids, finances and health so they've got a lot and isn't it enough.

 

My stbxh had all of that before cheating. Obviously it wasn't enough for him. Me? I want a spouse who doesn't cheat so those things are no longer enough for me either.

[jm2013]

I would not start an Affair. I honestly, wholeheartly believe it destroys people. There are (to me) no benefits to an A. But you asked, "Are you looking to start your own affair "? Do people actually "look to start" an A. Don't most WSs say, "it's not like I was looking to start an A... it just happened". I am not currently in any position to meet a potential A partner.

 

As for divorce? Again, I'm not sure of that. I go back and forth on that all the time. I LOVE my H. I am VERY attracted to my H. He is not very emotionally giving or loving. I crave this... I couldn't describe how much I crave it! I seek it in public with other couples and just admire from a distance. I genuinely love watching loving and emotionally connected couples.

 

Was he in the infancy of your relationship? I'd be willing to bet a high % of relationships end up stale. That's why affairs happen and are so attractive. They fill in the gaps of what's typically needed from the marriage or relationship that is not happening. It's too bad it's not typically conveyed to the other spouse. I know if my wife told me -"Hey, I have this new guy at work I'm attracted to. He's so sweet and we have a crazy emotional connection". I would have done everything I could trying to curb a potential threat. For me, I think I lost the connection to my wife a long time ago. She ended up being a completely different person years later than who I originally marrying. Though there were indicators early on I completely ignored. Perhaps who she is as a person is why I grew apart from her and we got stale. I get it. I miss that stuff too. I miss making true love to a person I can just lay there with in bliss. I miss surprising my partner with something and just being happy that they are happy. So many things I miss that will never be fulfilled in the marriage I have right now. So unfortunate.

 

Yeah, and what I'm saying is they both got kids, finances and health so they've got a lot and isn't it enough.

 

None of that matters if they don't have each other. Those can be managed without the marriage.

[loveboid]

None of that matters if they don't have each other. Those can be managed without the marriage.

 

It sounds to me like BS stay in the hope of rekindling emotional connection and will die trying.

[loveboid]

I'm sure both carry the same internal misery after the affair. They both feel they can do better than what they've got.

 

If they both feel they can do better than why not do better?

[jm2013]

If they both feel they can do better than why not do better?

 

This all goes back to exhibit A, B and C.

 

A - Co-Dependency

B - Finances

C - Kids

 

After years of marriage it's a scary world out there when it's time to pick yourself up and start over. I think people like the security feeling of what they know instead of walking in the unknown. Though the people who do make the leap into the unknown I'm sure get themselves into a legitimately happy area within the first year or so and look back and say "wow that was the best decision I ever made in my life".

[TrustedthenBusted]

I ask this of you, betrayed spouses, who stay for years in a marriage you say is dead. I read so many stories that BS are miserable and yet they stay, and they say they plan to stay until death!

 

This looks the same to me as wayward spouses feeling miserable and staying.

 

You both could leave the marriage but you don't.

 

What do you stay for? What are you miserable about if you're both staying for the same reasons...wouldn't those shared reasons be enough to be happy about?

 

I think a lot of people remain committed to the idea of marriage ( which is what we all said...for better or for worse ) but I don't think anyone REALLY signs up for a lifetime of continued misery.

 

We all want it to get better, and hope it will get better, and even when we are bitching and moaning on here, many are privately working hard to make things better. WE don't talk enough about the good things that happen as much as we vent about the bad.

 

But kids, houses, money, medical issues... all are good reasons to STAY AND WORK on things, but not good enough to just stay without working on things.

[Striver]

Divorce has a substantial financial, emotional, and health cost for most people. Divorced people are on average unhappier, poorer, and unhealthier than married people or those never married. Remarried divorced people are happier than those that don't, but not as happy as those in their first marriage. Baggage from first marriages make second marriages hard to pull off.

 

So if the WS is willing to attempt reconciliation, the BS is risking loss through ultimate divorce. If the marriage is a young one, no children, obviously flawed, the recovery may go better for BS. Also probably helps a remarriage if it is the first marriage for the new partner.

 

Often none of those choices is realistic for the BS. Often the desired state of the BS is to wish the affair had never happened. All other choices lead to some sort of loss, and it is just a case of picking the least noxious of the choices.

 

If finances are stable and the home life is unloving but tolerable, I can understand trying to make a go of it. Most new partners are not going to care all that much that you were betrayed and were a BS, and if you have kids and/or are not in a position to have more that lessens your market value with a lot of potential new partners.

 

I just don't want to sugarcoat things. If the WS is a decent person otherwise, the route to improving life for the BS may not be all that easy.

[BetrayedH]

I didn't marry for kids, finances, and health.

 

My wife's affair dropped a nuke on our marriage. When it happened, the concept of divorcing felt like piling up the few things that hadn't been destroyed just so they could be nuked a second time. Staying was a form of damage control. It's like trying to stop severe bleeding.

 

What's to be happy about?