Why stay?

[BetrayedH]

Divorce has a substantial financial, emotional, and health cost for most people. Divorced people are on average unhappier, poorer, and unhealthier than married people or those never married. Remarried divorced people are happier than those that don't, but not as happy as those in their first marriage. Baggage from first marriages make second marriages hard to pull off.

 

So if the WS is willing to attempt reconciliation, the BS is risking loss through ultimate divorce. If the marriage is a young one, no children, obviously flawed, the recovery may go better for BS. Also probably helps a remarriage if it is the first marriage for the new partner.

 

Often none of those choices is realistic for the BS. Often the desired state of the BS is to wish the affair had never happened. All other choices lead to some sort of loss, and it is just a case of picking the least noxious of the choices.

 

If finances are stable and the home life is unloving but tolerable, I can understand trying to make a go of it. Most new partners are not going to care all that much that you were betrayed and were a BS, and if you have kids and/or are not in a position to have more that lessens your market value with a lot of potential new partners.

 

I just don't want to sugarcoat things. If the WS is a decent person otherwise, the route to improving life for the BS may not be all that easy.

 

Yep. To me, the choices felt like lose, lose, lose, or lose. Everything I'd planned for, the foundation for every decision I had made for nearly 20 years, was just suddenly up in smoke. It should be no surprise that so many people cling to the hope of salvaging those dreams. Even if that doesn't appear realistic, none of the alternatives are appealing either.

[TrustedthenBusted]

Yep. To me, the choices felt like lose, lose, lose, or lose. Everything I'd planned for, the foundation for every decision I had made for nearly 20 years, was just suddenly up in smoke. It should be no surprise that so many people cling to the hope of salvaging those dreams. Even if that doesn't appear realistic, none of the alternatives are appealing either.

 

 

This is a bit off topic ( sort of ) but there is one thing I don't mind sharing.

 

Finances are not a concern for me. I could go out and buy the house across the street right now, and still see my kids everyday and be happy. WE're very fortunate that way.

 

I think in this situation, it actually HELPS our R, because we now live in a cage where the door is always open. Nobody HAS to stay.

 

Now, if your finances aren't in the same position, I would still encourage you to get to an place emotionally where you don't feel you HAVE to stay. I can see where that would be a real hindrance to any serious attempt at R.

 

If you are miserable.. talk to family. talk to friends. See if there is a place you can go. Talk to a financial advisor. Get to the place you'd end up if you got THROWN out tomorrow, and be ready to deal with that.

 

Then once you've shed this NEED to stay together, you can think about whether you really really even WANT to.

 

ok. off soap box now.

[jm2013]

This is a bit off topic ( sort of ) but there is one thing I don't mind sharing.

 

Finances are not a concern for me. I could go out and buy the house across the street right now, and still see my kids everyday and be happy. WE're very fortunate that way.

 

I think in this situation, it actually HELPS our R, because we now live in a cage where the door is always open. Nobody HAS to stay.

 

Now, if your finances aren't in the same position, I would still encourage you to get to an place emotionally where you don't feel you HAVE to stay. I can see where that would be a real hindrance to any serious attempt at R.

 

If you are miserable.. talk to family. talk to friends. See if there is a place you can go. Talk to a financial advisor. Get to the place you'd end up if you got THROWN out tomorrow, and be ready to deal with that.

 

Then once you've shed this NEED to stay together, you can think about whether you really really even WANT to.

 

ok. off soap box now.

 

No matter how wealthy you are there's that overwhelming sense that you have to split your honey pot with somebody who drove a knife in your back. I'm sure the oil tycoon who's in divorce proceedings is thrilled about cutting his STBXW almost a billion dollar check and having her tear it up saying she needs more. Now in your situation if you had taken the kids out of the equation would you have stayed initially? The overwhelming thoughts of having your old door swing open to the scumbag who was drilling your wife have to be nagging to most. I know I personally was trying to prepare myself for that scenario. It also sucks having to walk away from a full time relationship with kids into a part time dad. That had to be the most painful experience I have ever walked down listening to my little girl ask why I am not there and seeing her glowing face every morning. It was crushing to say the least.

[TrustedthenBusted]

No matter how wealthy you are there's that overwhelming sense that you have to split your honey pot with somebody who drove a knife in your back. I'm sure the oil tycoon who's in divorce proceedings is thrilled about cutting his STBXW almost a billion dollar check and having her tear it up saying she needs more. Now in your situation if you had taken the kids out of the equation would you have stayed initially? The overwhelming thoughts of having your old door swing open to the scumbag who was drilling your wife have to be nagging to most. I know I personally was trying to prepare myself for that scenario. It also sucks having to walk away from a full time relationship with kids into a part time dad. That had to be the most painful experience I have ever walked down listening to my little girl ask why I am not there and seeing her glowing face every morning. It was crushing to say the least.

 

I'm probably not the best person to ask, actually, because money truly doesn't mean much to me. I'd be fine in a tiny little house and enough money to support my hobbies, with her keeping almost everything else, as long as I was sure the money still went to keeping the kids in a comfortable life.

 

Who she bangs after that is her issue. Believe me, I won't be thinking about that. Only again, as long as my kids don't see it until she meets someone WORTH meeting my children. She's very responsible that way.

 

But like you, the hardest thing would be living under a different roof than my kids.

 

To answer the BIG question: No. If we didnt have kids I would have bailed that day, taking half of everything with me. I'm pretty sure of that.

[gettingstronger]

I ask this of you, betrayed spouses, who stay for years in a marriage you say is dead. I read so many stories that BS are miserable and yet they stay, and they say they plan to stay until death!

 

 

I don't see this much on here. Most of us BS on here are discussing our reconciliations or divorces. I don't see too many staying in a dead marriage. I do see lots of OW and OM claiming their AP told them there marriage is dead and that's why they are having an affair. After dday the story often changes and the AP chooses reconciliation. That's a whole different scenario in my mind. I just don't see BS's in large numbers on here staying in dead marriages.

[loveboid]

I just don't think you should allow anyone to make you miserable.

 

I come from a family that had it all and lost it all. The important things are love and being grateful for kids, finances, and health.

 

The loss of any of these things won't hold me back from being happy; certainly not the fear of losing these things.

 

I don't know, it feels like millionaires crying over losing a few pennies to me.

 

As long as I'm safe, comfy, and fed enough, every day is an opportunity to be happy.

 

Maybe you should just go ahead and lose to win some happiness.

[flowergirl14]

I'm a bs who has stayed. Am I completely happy no. I'm not miserable either. I think about divorce a lot but like others, finances and kids are a huge consideration. My reason for staying now actually comes from being raised in a broken home. My dad has always told me to stay married. His relationship history is why he gives this advice. He has been married 4 times. Has kids with 3 different people. All of us kids rarely connect emotionally or literally. Over the years there has been a lot of strife with step parents and step brothers and sisters. My mom has also been married 3 times. Is the third one a charm?Hardly, they are both miserable.

I know who I'm dealing with. I know my h. I know what he has done and capable of. However, I hate the idea of my kids having step parents. Not being there with them everyday. Do i think I could find a spouse that wouldn't cheat...yes. However, there aren't guarantees. If I was miserable I would get out. I think a lot of bs that post here aren't 100% happy but not miserable either. Thats why they rant but aren't willing to change. Maybe It's easier to be miserable in a marriage where you are comfortable than to be single and miserable. I wonder how many of the bs who stay are risk takers? Or are they more likely the type to say you go ahead I'll watch you.

[No Limit]

Because they aren't miserable. They're not content, but not miserable.

 

And "miserable" is a term that can be interpreted in many different ways. We have people calling their marriages "miserable" because their spouse is emotionally abusive, and there are people who whine about their misery because dear hubby didn't pay enough attention to them and everything became a routine. Of course instead of making efforts themselves, an affair seems the better route.

 

Either way, BS is #2. They'll never be more important than WS' ego.

[jm2013]

I just don't think you should allow anyone to make you miserable.

 

I come from a family that had it all and lost it all. The important things are love and being grateful for kids, finances, and health.

 

The loss of any of these things won't hold me back from being happy; certainly not the fear of losing these things.

 

I don't know, it feels like millionaires crying over losing a few pennies to me.

 

As long as I'm safe, comfy, and fed enough, every day is an opportunity to be happy.

 

Maybe you should just go ahead and lose to win some happiness.

 

Are you a WS?

[loveboid]

No. If it's not working it's not working. I had married and did my best at the time and it wasn't good enough. I forgave and let go.

 

Don't get me wrong, I've cried and cried. But the grief comes to an end.

 

I just don't understand. Why be miserable when there's so much happiness to be had in the world.

 

Maybe they aren't that miserable.

[BetrayedH]

I just don't think you should allow anyone to make you miserable.

 

I come from a family that had it all and lost it all. The important things are love and being grateful for kids, finances, and health.

 

The loss of any of these things won't hold me back from being happy; certainly not the fear of losing these things.

 

I don't know, it feels like millionaires crying over losing a few pennies to me.

 

As long as I'm safe, comfy, and fed enough, every day is an opportunity to be happy.

 

Maybe you should just go ahead and lose to win some happiness.

 

I think it's easy to say what you'd do about infidelity when it's a hypothetical. I think pretty much all of us would have said it was a dealbreaker and that we wouldn't tolerate it - that we'd move on.

 

Initially, that was my reaction on Dday. I quietly hired a PI to get documentation and met with a divorce attorney. But when my wife broke down during an unplanned confrontation, crying about how sorry she was, that she's end it, blah, blah, blah - I ironically found myself holding and consoling her. I wasn't prepared for it. Throw in some trickle-truthing, feigned remorse, etc and suddenly I flat out bewildered, confused, dismayed and at a total loss for understanding or direction. Then came the onslaught of insomnia, dramatic and unhealthy weight loss, sudden shifts from anger to unconsolable sadness - all of it while my worklife and the life of my kids needed to be unimpacted. I had two beautiful little kids at home. Was I in a rush to break up their idyllic home when it looked like there might be a chance at my wife's remorse being sufficient for my forgiveness?

 

It's not easy. It's complicated as hell and you just do what you can to keep it together while you're an emotional wreck without a playbook.

 

Many times a decision NOT to make any rash decisions end up being a default decision to stay. So then what do you do?

 

I haven't seen your story around here (your threads almost sound like you're doing research) but if you haven't been a BS, I'd say it's pretty tough to "get it." I definitely think it goes way beyond some intellectual decision that "nobody's going to make me unhappy" or just deciding to be grateful for what you have in life. It's a debilitating shock to have your life just completely upended in a day with no real clue what the hell to do about it. It's hard not to feel your comment that we're "Millionaires crying over a few pennies" is anything but insulting.

[jm2013]

No. If it's not working it's not working. I had married and did my best at the time and it wasn't good enough. I forgave and let go.

 

Don't get me wrong, I've cried and cried. But the grief comes to an end.

 

I just don't understand. Why be miserable when there's so much happiness to be had in the world.

 

Maybe they aren't that miserable.

 

So you're a BS? So you're here saying as a BS you feel most BS's would probably be happier dissolving the pain and moving on with their lives without their WS?

[autumnnight]

Because they aren't miserable. They're not content, but not miserable.

 

And "miserable" is a term that can be interpreted in many different ways. We have people calling their marriages "miserable" because their spouse is emotionally abusive, and there are people who whine about their misery because dear hubby didn't pay enough attention to them and everything became a routine. Of course instead of making efforts themselves, an affair seems the better route.

 

Either way, BS is #2. They'll never be more important than WS' ego.

 

I am assuming that anyone who truly feels this way was consistent enough to divorce said ego.

[loveboid]

Well, each person has their perspective and each is valid.

[loveboid]

Well, my husband had a secret porn addiction so I'm not sure that makes me count as a BS. I do know that I trusted him completely and he was my only true support in my life. So when he withdrew from intimacy from me I felt cheated, alone and scared.

 

I divorced among other reasons and had a rough time but I got over it. I didn't stay and make myself and him miserable for years.

 

What I went through in the years after divorce was harder than the marriage and divorce itself, which I think is why I feel millionaires are miserable.

 

You could say I've never been betrayed so I wouldn't know, and I could say you've never experienced pain worse than betrayal so you wouldn't know. I think it's good to share perspectives though.

 

I think what I'm trying to say is if your spouse is still with you you're very lucky.... And that if you're really that miserable you can still leave even though it's scary and hard-- because it does get better.

Edited January 9, 2015 by loveboid
Comprehension

[BetrayedH]

Well, my husband had a secret porn addiction so I'm not sure that makes me count as a BS. I do know that I trusted him completely and he was my only true support in my life. So when he withdrew from intimacy from me I felt cheated, alone and scared.

 

I divorced among other reasons and had a rough time but I got over it. I didn't stay and make myself and him miserable for years.

 

What I went through in the years after divorce was harder than the marriage and divorce itself, which I think is why I feel millionaires are miserable.

 

You could say I've never been betrayed so I wouldn't know, and I could say you've never experienced pain worse than betrayal so you wouldn't know. I think it's good to share perspectives though.

 

I think what I'm trying to say is if your spouse is still with you you're very lucky.... And that if you're really that miserable you can still leave even though it's scary and hard-- because it does get better.

 

I appreciate the clarification and I'll offer an apology for my snarkiness. Sometimes it's easy to feel judged as a BS around here. I took a lot of heat for my attempts to reconcile and was labeled a doormat and a cuckold more times than I could count.

 

Ultimately, I did divorce and that was no party either. As I said earlier, I think many BSs just feel there are no good choices.

 

I do agree with a previous poster that I think few really stay and are decided upon being miserable. I think the vast majority that stay do so in hope of recovery. I suppose staying mierable "for years" seems odd to some but after researching reconciliation for a while, you learn that it's a process that does take years (conventional wisdom puts it at 2-5 years). I think most anticipate a few very difficult years but do it in hopes of better ones in the years that follow.

 

My sympathies on your divorce. I also suffered what most would call a sexless marriage for several years (I suppose my wife just chose an affair instead of porn). I'm sure it was difficult, to say the least, and I'm glad to see you've recovered.

[loveboid]

Thank you so much, BetrayedH! And my sympathies to you.

 

I apologize for being unclear. All forgiven and no worries. It's hard all around.

[badkarma2013]

Because they aren't miserable. They're not content, but not miserable.

 

And "miserable" is a term that can be interpreted in many different ways. We have people calling their marriages "miserable" because their spouse is emotionally abusive, and there are people who whine about their misery because dear hubby didn't pay enough attention to them and everything became a routine. Of course instead of making efforts themselves, an affair seems the better route.

 

Either way, BS is #2. They'll never be more important than WS' ego.

 

I agree...a Bs will ALWAYS be #2....and your marriage ( if you chose to R) will ALWAYS be plan B......

 

I am No Ones #2 or their Plan B........My WW and the OM learned a hard lesson..as i got them fired from their jobs....and outed him to his now EXW...

 

I was never miserable...However i was da*n angry at the Lies and the betrayal...

 

As I have said ,,it was her Choice to have sex with the Boss/OM..hers and hers alone..

 

It was my choice to burn everything to the ground..mine and mine alone...

[jm2013]

I agree...a Bs will ALWAYS be #2....and your marriage ( if you chose to R) will ALWAYS be plan B......

 

I am No Ones #2 or their Plan B........My WW and the OM learned a hard lesson..as i got them fired from their jobs....and outed him to his now EXW...

 

I was never miserable...However i was da*n angry at the Lies and the betrayal...

 

As I have said ,,it was her Choice to have sex with the Boss/OM..hers and hers alone..

 

It was my choice to burn everything to the ground..mine and mine alone...

 

Do you have dependent kids? If you do have you ever felt that was the right decision?

[sidney2718]

Co-dependancy. It take a lot to break the *habit* of each other especially if you have built a life together.

 

For me, my WH did all his infidelity at the beginning of our relationship. It's been 20 years since. 20 years to prove himself (although that is not quite his mindset). At the beginning, even that we had a child he wasn't convinced we were forever or even past next week. He simply didn't care.

 

I didn't want to rock the boat and in my naiveness I honestly believed we were forever or at least that is how I romanticized it. I was preoccupied with a child, he wasn't done partying.

 

My son's Physiotherapist told me just the other day that the Male brain doesn't fully mature until around 32 years old. That was the age my DH grew up, went back to school, got a degree and focused on *us*.

 

Meanwhile I am struggling to hold it together for "the sake of the kids".

 

Now, I am not as kid focused, I'm not needed as much and my dh is preoccupied with in-home hobbies I am left with questioning, "do I want to do this for the rest of my life"?!

 

I'm young still. I am fit. My sexual drive is through the roof. I need to get out (I work from home). My H is a home-body. His sex drive is nil.

 

I am 36. My eldest child is 20... Second 18... 3/4th Twins...15. I've done this all my life. My H is 39, has only done this for the past 8 or 9 years.

 

I was told, just wait when the kids get old it will get better. Nope!

 

Being deprived of a sex life is one of the most horrible things that one spouse can inflict on another. Sometimes the lack of a libido is incurable. Still, the caring zero-sex drive spouse should have a true heart to heart discussion. Some couples resort to non-traditional cures. Some spouses just chose to live without sex.

 

Mal, in your case you've already done it all. We get only one life and you have a right to some physical pleasure in it. If I were you I'd seriously consider divorce. Yes, it won't be popular with your kids or your husband, but there it is.

[sidney2718]

If they both feel they can do better than why not do better?

 

Divorce is not fun. It is not just the breaking of bonds with a spouse and upsetting children, it is pulling families apart, hurting close family members, destroying friendships, and so on. There is no "marriage shell" to retreat into.

 

That's a major reason why many folks just choose to suffer.

[ladydesigner]

Yep. To me, the choices felt like lose, lose, lose, or lose. Everything I'd planned for, the foundation for every decision I had made for nearly 20 years, was just suddenly up in smoke. It should be no surprise that so many people cling to the hope of salvaging those dreams. Even if that doesn't appear realistic, none of the alternatives are appealing either.

 

^^^^This completely

 

I am not sure what the answer is and I know I do not want to split time with my kids (that's a big one or have someone else raise them step-mom, etc). I still have love for my WH but it is no where near where it should be, I carry a lot of resentment for the A going underground.

[Raena]

I ask this of you, betrayed spouses, who stay for years in a marriage you say is dead. I read so many stories that BS are miserable and yet they stay, and they say they plan to stay until death!

 

This looks the same to me as wayward spouses feeling miserable and staying.

 

You both could leave the marriage but you don't.

 

What do you stay for? What are you miserable about if you're both staying for the same reasons...wouldn't those shared reasons be enough to be happy about?

 

People stay in miserable marriages for so long because they made a commitment to be together "till death do us part". It's a lot harder to walk away from the evil you know to deal with the evil you don't too. It IS a LOT harder to do this when you have children involved.

 

I hate being a single parent. I wasn't completely happy in my relationship with my son's father, but I stayed with him because being together was better than being alone. I knew he wouldn't stay in the state and be a good father to his child. I KNEW it, so I didn't force him to leave just because I wasn't fully happy. I stuck it out and put up with his behavior because it was ultimately a better situation than being a single mom.

[Confused48]

Aren't kids, finances, health and other things big enough? Geez. These aren't enough to be thankful and happy about?

 

Yes and no. They keep you involved but wishing you were not.

 

I don't think those would be enough to make a BS automatically happy to stay with someone who cheated on them. They don't cancel out pain. IF a BS stays for those reasons and is still miserable,

 

See above.

 

Look at how many spouses post to this forum who have been betrayed by their spouse. Years later they are still devastated internally by their spouse's piss poor actions. It never goes away. Most will live in the torment for the sake of not breaking up their family over the childish behaviors exhibited by their WS.

 

Again......

 

Now, I am not as kid focused, I'm not needed as much and my dh is preoccupied with in-home hobbies I am left with questioning, "do I want to do this for the rest of my life"?!

 

I'm young still. I am fit. My sexual drive is through the roof. I need to get out (I work from home). My H is a home-body. His sex drive is nil.

 

I was told, just wait when the kids get old it will get better. Nope!

 

I agree! dump the cheating dolt that has no sex drive. Maybe remain friends if he can handle that. You owe him nothing more at this point. Do it before anymore of your life passes you by.

 

Yeah, and what I'm saying is they both got kids, finances and health so they've got a lot and isn't it enough.

 

Nope, not enough without love, fidelity, honor, respect, etc....

 

My stbxh had all of that before cheating. Obviously it wasn't enough for him. Me? I want a spouse who doesn't cheat so those things are no longer enough for me either.

 

Yes! What she said!

 

 

It sounds to me like BS stay in the hope of rekindling emotional connection and will die trying.

 

Not all of them. Some are trapped. Dying a horrible death, in a trap.

 

The overwhelming thoughts of having your old door swing open to the scumbag who was drilling your wife have to be nagging to most.

 

Who she bangs after that is her issue. Believe me, I won't be thinking about that.

 

In the present moment,it does bother me that if I show my WS the door, the AP will feast upon my WS. I hate to see that happen. But that is in the present moment. I know that in the future, if my WS is shown the door and then feasted upon by the AP and made the tool of other such persons, I will be oblivious and uncaring. WS fate is only important to me in this moment, while I'm still with WS. Once WS is gone, I'm fairly certain I won't care what disgusting things WS does.

 

Well, my husband had a secret porn addiction so I'm not sure that makes me count as a BS. I do know that I trusted him completely You could say I've never been betrayed so I wouldn't know, and I could say you've never experienced pain worse than betrayal so you wouldn't know. I think it's good to share perspectives though.

 

You do count! I would not say you have not been betrayed.

 

I agree...a Bs will ALWAYS be #2....and your marriage ( if you chose to R) will ALWAYS be plan B......

 

 

Painful truth.

 

 

I am not sure what the answer is and I know I do not want to split time with my kids (that's a big one or have someone else raise them step-mom, etc). I still have love for my WH but it is no where near where it should be, I carry a lot of resentment for the A going underground.

 

I feel for you LD. I'm in the same sitch. There sometimes is no way forward. Now way out or up. Ugh.................

 

.

[Mal78]

Being deprived of a sex life is one of the most horrible things that one spouse can inflict on another. Sometimes the lack of a libido is incurable. Still, the caring zero-sex drive spouse should have a true heart to heart discussion. Some couples resort to non-traditional cures. Some spouses just chose to live without sex.

 

Mal, in your case you've already done it all. We get only one life and you have a right to some physical pleasure in it. If I were you I'd seriously consider divorce. Yes, it won't be popular with your kids or your husband, but there it is.

 

That's it. I know divorce is and will be ugly. My H is a VERY strong willed type personality there is nothing amicable about him. It is his way, his thoughts are superior and his ego is strong. I chip at it and he will explode. Part of me would love to take the plunge so he can beg me and plead that we go to MC and make things better. This would NEVER happen. He is already threatened by the fact my Best Friend is a divorce attorney and she would take him down in a heartbeat (Oh and she would, we have been bfs since high school and she has been there through all his bs. She, like me has forgiven but could NEVER forget).

 

My job has very much isolated me over the years. I am an in home childcare provider. I love my job and I am REALLY good at it. It has served our family well however it is a very lonely job. I don't meet new people, develop new friendship and is very socially isolating. I volunteer, go to the gym and out for coffee with my bff but that is all. I have yet to find a solid friendship through volunteer work over the years.

 

I rarely interact with men. I wouldn't know what flirting was, what it looked like or if I was worthy. I certainly couldn't imagine after a D) dating, "hooking-up" or the first thing about looking for someone else. All I've known since I was 15 is my H.

 

My H and I have this morbid talk from time to time that if I died I want him to find someone. I want him to go through the "normal" process of finding someone and falling in love. I want him to know what that is. I honestly believe for "that" women he would be a totally different man. I whole heartily know this from the core of my soul. However, reality is I would LOVE to be alive to see it.

 

We never had that. We had sex (once, never dated). I got pregnant at 15. He didn't have anything to do with me/us my whole pregnancy. He met our son for the first time when he was a few months old. 10 months later he met us for coffee after I filled for child support (a whopping $50/month, that I found out months later his friend paid for him because he felt it was the right thing to do. My H had no intention to pay). I got kicked out a day prior to my son's 1st birthday and with no where to go I moved in with my H. We have been together since.

 

My H has had to "learn" to love me. I question daily if he ever has. I certainly don't want/seek a pity party. I made my bed knowing this even after several A's in the beginning. Even how he confessed never left it open for remorse. I told the truth, guilt resolved... Move on. Shut up and put up. Again, I was young and desperate.