Irresponsible 19 y/o Son!!!

[CC12]

Anika brought up a really good point, though. If the money your girlfriend is giving her son comes from his student loans, it is his money. If he's the one who has to pay back the loan, he should have complete access and control of it. Of course he's probably going to blow through that money really quickly and irresponsibly, but he's an adult and he'll have to deal with the consequences. Your girlfriend needs to stop controlling his finances.

 

Regarding the child support his father pays, maybe her son is entitled to it, since he's not living under her roof now? I'm not sure how that should work, but it seems like any child support she gets would not be hers to use or control, since the son needs it for his own living expenses.

 

I'm also not sure why your girlfriend presented this issue to you as though her son was asking for money from the "college fund she set up for him" when in reality he was asking for access to his own money. I'm also not sure why you said that his father "does not give the kid a dime towards education" because you also said that his father pays child support for a 19 year old. Honestly, I'm seeing some red flags popping up around you/your girlfriend based on what you've shared.

 

Also, you realize that her son is an addict, right? You guys should be looking at an intervention and rehab instead of trying to "sit down with him and set a budget." It's not a budgeting problem, it's a substance abuse problem. That's where all his money is going.

 

A sober person does not need to beg for money every few days, with dumbass weak excuses that get more and more outlandish as his desperation worsens. He is actively using, and if I'm wrong about this, I'll eat my hat and apologize.

 

Even if I'm wrong, you should still treat him as an addict, because he's behaving exactly like an addict does. You should both go to Al-Anon (it's group therapy for families and loved ones of people with substance abuse issues) to learn the best ways to deal with him.

 

Good luck.

[littleplanet]

Whatever the lad is learning in college - Economics 101 should be top priority. Unless he gets that one down.....striaght A's in everything else aren't worth a damn.

And one good tip in a bleak world. Arguing with drugs and alcohol is a fool's game. The drugs and booze always win.

 

At 19 - sinking or swimming used to be a fact of life. At that age I sank a little......and then swam with the dolphins. By 20 - I was all growed up.

Sometimes a kid needs a lesson: once independent from aiders and abetters......their own image in a cracked mirror looms a little clearer. It's entirely up to them.

 

These are the learning curves of college. There's life, and there's party.

Life is no party.

Parents were all young once, and made silly mistakes, no doubt.

That's why they get to pull the rug out and call the party to order.

[Lois_Griffin]

He feels he is entitled to the full child support $ his mom receives from his dad. He says its his $. He calls his mom every few days asking for $ even though he is working two jobs.

The little snot isn't entitled to a damned thing - unless it's a good ass-kicking.

 

You complain about this worthless kid and then defend your girlfriend when anyone dares suggest that she's enabling him.

 

She IS enabling him. Every single time she hands him more money she's enabling him to continue being an irresponsible little brat who spends every dime he gets on drugs and condoms. Well, at least the little puke is responsible enough to use protection (he shouldn't breed, anyway).

 

Guess what? Nothing changes if NOTHING changes.

 

You can look forward to many years of this kid making your lives miserable as long as your girlfriend continues to 'lecture him about being responsible' while STILL handing him money every time he asks for it.

[turnera]

She is not a pushover

 

she almost always sends him the $.

ONE of these is not true. Can you guess which one?

 

Tell her that she is HARMING him by giving him the money. She is STUNTING HIS GROWTH in his ability to provide for himself and deal with life. She is CREATING A MANCHILD who she will have to support through his lifelong span of dead-end jobs that he gets fired from. He'll be living with her within 5 years.

 

Tell her that.

 

And she needs to tell him to make plans for moving out if he's not paying rent or buying groceries. That should at least shut him up about the CS.

 

Most likely, though, it's just drugs. He needs more and more money for drugs.

Edited May 25, 2015 by turnera

[lollipopspot]

Tell her that she is HARMING him by giving him the money. She is STUNTING HIS GROWTH in his ability to provide for himself and deal with life. She is CREATING A MANCHILD who she will have to support through his lifelong span of dead-end jobs that he gets fired from.

 

It's his own college loan money. Probably most of us needed that loan money to survive while we were in school.

[anika99]

Anika, she is venting about a stressful situation. What do you do when your kid is a **** bird and asks for $ for gas, food, heating and electric bills. Plus she has other kids and two jobs to deal with.

 

Personally I think she needs to sit down with him and set a budget and ground rules versus yelling at him. There is some guilt because his old man is not in the picture (he choses to spend time with his new rich family).

 

I just listen...and post here:D

 

 

She wasn't just venting. She was being dishonest. She was getting you all worked up and upset by letting you think her son was taking her money when in fact she was just doling out his money. That's not a minor detail that she left out. I'm not sure why she is trying to play you against her son but she is obviously doesn't mind leaving out important details if it gets you all mad on her behalf. Her problems with her son are between her and her son, you get no say and there is nothing you can do about it. You need to stay out of it.

[anika99]

The little snot isn't entitled to a damned thing - unless it's a good ass-kicking.

 

You complain about this worthless kid and then defend your girlfriend when anyone dares suggest that she's enabling him.

 

She IS enabling him. Every single time she hands him more money she's enabling him to continue being an irresponsible little brat who spends every dime he gets on drugs and condoms. Well, at least the little puke is responsible enough to use protection (he shouldn't breed, anyway).

 

Guess what? Nothing changes if NOTHING changes.

 

You can look forward to many years of this kid making your lives miserable as long as your girlfriend continues to 'lecture him about being responsible' while STILL handing him money every time he asks for it.

 

 

 

The problem is that the story got changed halfway through the thread. It started out being about how the kid is always taking money from his mother and she keeps giving him the money and complaining about it. Then it came out that the money she is giving him is funds from his OWN student loan that he will be responsible for paying back. So why is she carrying on like her son is taking and taking from her and robbing her blind when all he was asking for was his OWN money? To me there's really something off about the mother putting that dishonest spin on things.

 

 

And I also have to wonder why the mother is entitled to child support when her son is living away at college living on his student loan and now that he is off school he is working 2 jobs. The more the OP posts the more it sounds like the mother isn't actually providing anything for the kid but is in fact trying to withhold money that is rightfully his. Again the kids isn't really trying to take anything from his mother's pocket. I don't see how she is entitled to child support if she is not supporting her child and it doesn't sound like she is.

[writergal]

OP, her son sounds like an entitled, spoiled man-child. As his mom, she needs to cut him off financially and do it now. He has two siblings who are normal and don't cause the same problems for their mom that their brother does.

 

She needs to give her son an ultimatum and not acquiesce afterwards, if he sends her aggressive/threatening texts. He's 19. Time to grow up and get multiple jobs to support himself.

 

As far as your role, stay out of it to a point. This is between a mother and her son whose own father is absent in his life, which has had negative consequences on the son (obviously). You can't tell the son what to do. All you can do is give your two cents about it and hope for the best.

[writergal]

The problem is that the story got changed halfway through the thread. It started out being about how the kid is always taking money from his mother and she keeps giving him the money and complaining about it. Then it came out that the money she is giving him is funds from his OWN student loan that he will be responsible for paying back. So why is she carrying on like her son is taking and taking from her and robbing her blind when all he was asking for was his OWN money? To me there's really something off about the mother putting that dishonest spin on things.

 

 

And I also have to wonder why the mother is entitled to child support when her son is living away at college living on his student loan and now that he is off school he is working 2 jobs. The more the OP posts the more it sounds like the mother isn't actually providing anything for the kid but is in fact trying to withhold money that is rightfully his. Again the kids isn't really trying to take anything from his mother's pocket. I don't see how she is entitled to child support if she is not supporting her child and it doesn't sound like she is.

 

Wait...the mom is keeping her son's financial aid refund for herself and not giving it to her son? Wow, that is messed up! That changes everything now.

 

OP, who are you in a relationship with? What kind of mom with holds her own son's financial aid refund from him which he can use to pay his own rent and bills?

 

Now I don't know what to believe.

[turnera]

It's his own college loan money. Probably most of us needed that loan money to survive while we were in school.

No, he's asking for the child support money.

 

He feels he is entitled to the full child support $ his mom receives from his dad. He says it's his $.

[turnera]

And I also have to wonder why the mother is entitled to child support when her son is living away at college living on his student loan and now that he is off school he is working 2 jobs. The more the OP posts the more it sounds like the mother isn't actually providing anything for the kid but is in fact trying to withhold money that is rightfully his. Again the kids isn't really trying to take anything from his mother's pocket. I don't see how she is entitled to child support if she is not supporting her child and it doesn't sound like she is.

I thought I read that she buys all his groceries, etc. when he's at school, and he wants more, for gas, etc. And that during breaks, he is living with her. Sounds like she's supporting him to me.

[anika99]

I thought I read that she buys all his groceries, etc. when he's at school, and he wants more, for gas, etc. And that during breaks, he is living with her. Sounds like she's supporting him to me.

 

Yes that's what the OP said in the beginning of the thread but later on he said he just became aware that the money the mother is spending and giving is coming from the son's student loan. Since the boy lives away from home and the money he lives on is money he earns or money that the mom doles out to him from his student loan then I'm not sure how she is supporting him. She may spend her own money on him from time to time but does that make her entitled to child support? How much does the father pay in child support and where does he think the money is going? He may intend it to be a kind of living allowance for the boy, but since the mother controls the kids loan money it wouldn't surprise me if she also controls the money he gets from his father. She may be withholding money from her son because she believes it's for his own good which is fine but it totally contradicts the first post that implied her son was robbing her blind.

[Tayla]

Most support agreements contain higher education clauses, so yes child support can continue up until age 25 or the degree is issued, whichever comes first. Should it go to the children? Morally yes, technically it doesn't . As is conveyed, she holds the purse strings.

[Otter2569]

its confusing - the $ is a combination of student loans and financial aid plus the child support she gets from her ex. GF is trying to ration the $ so the kid doesnt have a mountain of debt as he pisses hs way through every $ he can get his hands on.

 

Its also about his attitude and her giving into him.

[Tayla]

its confusing - the $ is a combination of student loans and financial aid plus the child support she gets from her ex. GF is trying to ration the $ so the kid doesnt have a mountain of debt as he pisses hs way through every $ he can get his hands on.

 

Its also about his attitude and her giving into him.

 

Nothing confusing about it. She is holding the purse strings and refuses to treat him like an adult. Its his loans... she has no legal rights to his college loans unless she consigned, yet even then...its technically his.

 

you might want to suggest that she chill... her cash cow might get educated and realize that 6 months on his own means... child support...gone...loans...his to do as he needs.

[writergal]

its confusing - the $ is a combination of student loans and financial aid plus the child support she gets from her ex. GF is trying to ration the $ so the kid doesnt have a mountain of debt as he pisses hs way through every $ he can get his hands on.

 

Its also about his attitude and her giving into him.

 

Nothing confusing about it. She is holding the purse strings and refuses to treat him like an adult. Its his loans... she has no legal rights to his college loans unless she consigned, yet even then...its technically his.

 

you might want to suggest that she chill... her cash cow might get educated and realize that 6 months on his own means... child support...gone...loans...his to do as he needs.

 

I agree with Tayla. She isn't treating her 19 year old son like an adult, by holding his financial refunds from his student loans hostage. Even if she did co-sign for him, it's HIS money to spend how he sees fit even if she thinks he's being irresponsible. He won't learn how to be independent if his mother acts like a helicopter parent with him at his age. To suffocate him like that is only going to increase his resentment of her.

 

If her desired outcome is to straighten him out, she needs to let go of the purse strings and give him 100% access to his money and stop hoarding it for herself as some divorced single-moms do, to take advantage of their children for their own benefit. I'm not saying that's what she is doing, but from your most recent post OP, it sure sounds like she is scapegoating her 19 year old to justify her own financial goals. I could be 100% way off base too.

[turnera]

Nothing confusing about it. She is holding the purse strings and refuses to treat him like an adult. Its his loans... she has no legal rights to his college loans unless she consigned, yet even then...its technically his.

 

you might want to suggest that she chill... her cash cow might get educated and realize that 6 months on his own means... child support...gone...loans...his to do as he needs.

Right. Cash cow. I'll BET she is going out and blowing his loan money on massages and fur coats.

 

meh

 

I could agree to just hand it all over to him, once and for all...IF she were willing to commit that he never comes home again. What he blows it on is his problem. IF he can never come home and mooch off of her again. THAT would be a fair exchange.

 

But we all know THAT ain't happening.

[CC12]

She will never ethically win an argument where her son is fighting for his own money. That's quite possibly why she always caves. Because she knows it belongs to him.

 

I don't believe she's stealing his money and using it for herself. I think it's believable that this is all in the name of keeping him from making huge mistakes. But at what cost? This has created a very sour relationship between them. And it's about money. That's sad.

 

A very obvious solution is for her to just go, "You know what, **** this. He can have his money and he'll either sink or swim. Hopefully we'll stop fighting with each other and can have a pleasant relationship." There's a reason she's not doing that and you should try to figure out what it is. It's actually relevant to your relationship because you should be aware of whatever personal issue or quirk she has that makes her not let go of things even if those things are negatively affecting her own life and yours.

[Otter2569]

She is definitely not stealing or misusing his money. I fully believe that her intentions are good. She is using his $ to pay his off campus apartment (he was kicked out of the dorm - twice), food, car insurance and tuition etc.

 

The kid is pissing through $ like a drunken sailor. Did i say that drinking and drugs (just pot that i know of) are also an issue with him.

 

i agree - let him swim or sink

[turnera]

Like I said before, it would be great learning for him to just hand over the money and say sink or swim. But it's very obvious that she is incapable of saying no to her son when he harrasses her. So until she can say 'no, you can NOT move back in here' once he blows through the money and gets kicked out of college, I get why she's doing this.

[Redhead14]

First of all I do not feel that she has failed him. I was not there when he was growing up but I know she had him in sports (baseball, hockey, soccer) and drove him all over the place. She was on booster clubs and committee to raise funds for his sports and activities (hockey is super expensive). She also set limits for him and made him work to earn $ for his summer camps.

 

Second she has two other well rounded kids. Her son was not treated any different and there are more pictures of him around the house so i get a strong sense that he had a decent upbringing.

 

Everyone says he was a good kid until he got involved with drinking and drugs - perhaps there is an area where she came up short. She admits she should have clamped down sooner. I also admit she let him get away with being a bum for too long. She is also a single mom (no parenting support from her ex), owns a house and works two jobs...plus the kid is a manipulator. Everyone in the family has tried to reach him at one point or another and all have stepped back.

 

She has been doing the gift cards for food and books. The calls for gas $, cable bill $, heat $ etc are a different story. As a parent it is difficult to let your kid sink at the same time enough is enough.

 

There is more to this than parenting style, enabling, etc. He is drinking and doing drugs for a reason. Likely self-medicating for anxiety, depression, bi-polarism or any number of issues. Once the root of that reason is revealed and addressed, he should be able to pull it together better.

 

She should demand that he enter a rehabilitation facility as soon as possible. Just because the other children appear to be functioning well, doesn't mean that this kid hasn't been affected by the divorce of his parents or other childhood stressors that are unresolved. Counseling to rule out those kinds of things would be worth the effort.

[turnera]

There is more to this than parenting style, enabling, etc. He is drinking and doing drugs for a reason. Likely self-medicating for anxiety, depression, bi-polarism or any number of issues. Once the root of that reason is revealed and addressed, he should be able to pull it together better.

lol, or just being a typical 19 year old boy who goes crazy once he leaves mommy. I watched nearly every one of DD24's friends go through that, at least the ones who moved away for school. One of them crashed so bad on drugs and alcohol that he got permanently banned from the school. Another partied so hard that she had a nervous breakdown. Neither ever graduated from any college. The other ones tried it out, saw their grades get trashed, and gave it up and concentrated back on school.

[Otter2569]

Im sure the fact that his old man is a douche who cheated on his mom, abandoned them, married into a wealthy family and now acts like his original kids do not even exits could be an issue? Seriously the lives in a $500k house and take 5 vacations a year but has not paid for one semester at a state college.

 

Bottom line: its not fun to watch the dynamics in this relationship. I feel bad for the kid and I feel bad for the GF.

[turnera]

Otter, kids learn pride and self respect through accomplishments; opportunities for which are all too lacking these days. Keep an eye open for ways to let him get involved in something he can feel good about.

[Otter2569]

Tunera, Time and time again Ive said she should sit down and talk to him like an adult, set the ground rules, make a budget, set expectations etc.

 

She gets worked up when she sees his calls come in on her phone and now that he is home from college (he also has an apartment at school) its more stress on everyone. I know its coming to a head soon...its just a matter of time.

 

I give my 2 cents in a way i think will help the situation without telling what to do. I try and look at it from both sides - having been a young man in similar situation.

 

Really its not my problem to take on and I need to learn to step back. She is a loving woman and does a lot for her kids so to watch them be ****s or come by only when they need something and deliver nothing when she ask is frustrating....