banini_jeque Posted January 9, 2015 Share Posted January 9, 2015 How do you communicate to a friend that you're deeply hurt by something they've done or said, without making them feel like you're accusing them? I told her that the thing she said made me feel like she valued a person's experience more than she valued me as a person. I know she probably doesn't really think that way, but what she said made me FEEL like she did, so I told her how I felt. Now she doesn't want to be friends until I don't feel that way anymore, which confuses me. Why would the way I feel just automatically change? Wouldn't she try to clarify what she meant in a less hurtful way to help me understand it better if she really cared about our friendship? Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted January 9, 2015 Share Posted January 9, 2015 The way you communicated it was fine. Her response was awful. She should have said, I'm sorry. Even if she didn't intend to hurt your feelings, the fact that she did merits an apology not a demand that you change your reaction. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author banini_jeque Posted January 9, 2015 Author Share Posted January 9, 2015 Okay, good. I also said that I thought it was better for us to have a fight if we needed to get things out, and be hurt, and know the whole truth about everything, and then apologize and forgive each other after. She didn't want to do that either and blocked me on facebook. I guess I'm just worried that I'm doing something wrong and scaring her away, and scared that I'm loosing a friend. I wish there was something I could say to really help her understand where I'm coming from, but it doesn't seem like there is. Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted January 9, 2015 Share Posted January 9, 2015 Okay, good. I also said that I thought it was better for us to have a fight if we needed to get things out, and be hurt, and know the whole truth about everything, and then apologize and forgive each other after. She didn't want to do that either and blocked me on facebook. I guess I'm just worried that I'm doing something wrong and scaring her away, and scared that I'm loosing a friend. I wish there was something I could say to really help her understand where I'm coming from, but it doesn't seem like there is. She's not your friend. Delete, block, forget. Link to post Share on other sites
Ronni_W Posted January 9, 2015 Share Posted January 9, 2015 (edited) I told her that the thing she said made me feel like she valued a person's experience more than she valued me as a person. I know she probably doesn't really think that way, but what she said made me FEEL like she did, so I told her how I felt. You're stuck with your reaction to what she did/said because of the meaning that you're giving to it. You're telling yourself that because she did/said it, it necessarily means that she was valuing one thing "more than" some other thing. On the other hand, you also realize that what you're telling yourself about how to interpret her words/action is not necessarily giving you the entirely accurate picture. That is, it seems that you do also realize that you cannot just go by your feeling-reaction. Your feelings are not going to "automatically" change. For that to happen, you'll first need to add some facts, reason, understanding into the mix. Only you can decide if you want to keep interpreting her actions as if the meaning that you chose to give it is accurate; as if it truly was an "either/or" situation for her; as in, either she was valuing this, or she was valuing that. As you yourself say, it probably wasn't like that for her. This is something that needs to be added, after the fact, to your initial/immediate feeling-reaction. Now. If you were in her shoes, where you wanted to do this one thing about this person on this side...and, in your mind/heart, it really has nothing at all to do with that person on that side...but that friend decides to make it mean something about herself or himself... Do you see how there really isn't anything that she can do to make you "feel" better...without capitulating to your feeling-reaction and without compromising her own right to do what, how, when she wants for/with ALL of her friends. You can come to your own higher understanding...and then you can still decide if you do or do not want to continue a friendship with her. (That decision is not only up to her.) Best of luck. Edited January 9, 2015 by Ronni_W Link to post Share on other sites
todreaminblue Posted January 9, 2015 Share Posted January 9, 2015 what you said was thoughtful and genuine...that she reacted badly is not your fault.....i dont feel its right to cut off from someone and say until you dont feel like that i am not your friend...if you are a friend you work it out.,.when you hurt a friend whether intentionally or unintentionally you apologise.....simple as....friendship however has to be a mutual thing to work...........deb 2 Link to post Share on other sites
evanescentworld Posted January 9, 2015 Share Posted January 9, 2015 She's not your friend. Delete, block, forget. Agreed. You're still obsessing.... You need to see a counsellor or therapist, because this is bordering on mania.... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted January 9, 2015 Share Posted January 9, 2015 After looking at some other posts, you seem like a nice person, but you're like a dog who can't let go of a bone. I imagine it's exhausting to the other person. I know it's probably also exhausting to you. Don't you feel like you're always struggling to make sense out of everything? Confused why other people don't react like you do and are willing to walk away? You had a good honest try with this relationship, but it didn't work out. You think you'd have stuck with it and that it would get better, but she is not you, and she knows that for her, it cannot get better and that it's time to walk away and move on. I'm not singling you out to say "You need therapy" because you're hopeless, but I think most of us could use therapy and in your case, I think it would benefit you specifically with your relationships, though it will take some time. But wouldn't it be nice to not carry all this angst and obsession and just enjoy a relationship and, when it's over, know that you're okay and she's okay and just move on? If you're young, now's the time to find out why you're hanging on so tightly and release yourself from repeatedly being overly hurt by what is pretty normal life experiences. Take control of your life that way. It will also give you a good outlet to just release your frustration and anger with someone who can really guide you and give you understanding. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author banini_jeque Posted January 9, 2015 Author Share Posted January 9, 2015 Can we please leave my other posts out of this? I want this thread to focus specifically on the content in its first post. Thank you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
evanescentworld Posted January 9, 2015 Share Posted January 9, 2015 Can we please leave my other posts out of this? I want this thread to focus specifically on the content in its first post. Thank you. No, of course we can't, because the whole thing is always about this woman! You yourself refer to it as a MANIA!! Repeatedly, continuously, all you do is obsess about this person, and it's not doing you any good at all! Instead of perpetually clinging to this ideal of a so-called 'friendship', you really need to investigate what this obsessive compulsion to have her in your life, stems from, and is all about. Because it's taken over your life, and is distinctly unhealthy! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author banini_jeque Posted January 9, 2015 Author Share Posted January 9, 2015 I don't think I am obsessed with having her in my life. I'm obsessed with making sure that I'm doing what's right, and I want to learn as much as I can about this situation. That's it. Link to post Share on other sites
freestyle Posted January 9, 2015 Share Posted January 9, 2015 Anyone who tries to dictate to you what your feelings should be, is NOT good friend material.... The fact that she retaliated in a punitive manner, simply because you were honest with her, says a lot about her character. She's looking for a puppet, NOT a person. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author banini_jeque Posted January 9, 2015 Author Share Posted January 9, 2015 I wouldn't go that far. I asked her a question and she was honest with me, and it hurt and I told her it hurt. She saw that as me retaliating and being abusive, but the words I used were very similar to what I posted. Link to post Share on other sites
Author banini_jeque Posted January 9, 2015 Author Share Posted January 9, 2015 I'll add this for those who think I'm becoming manic, because I find it interesting. If someone says they think I'm doing fine, then I feel way better and I stop thinking about at all. If they say I'm manic or have a problem, it just makes it all feel worse and I think about it even more. What does that mean? Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted January 9, 2015 Share Posted January 9, 2015 I'll add this for those who think I'm becoming manic, because I find it interesting. If someone says they think I'm doing fine, then I feel way better and I stop thinking about at all. If they say I'm manic or have a problem, it just makes it all feel worse and I think about it even more. What does that mean? It means you should accept the current reality as being what it is. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted January 9, 2015 Share Posted January 9, 2015 Can we please leave my other posts out of this? I want this thread to focus specifically on the content in its first post. Thank you. Honestly, I was unable to make heads or tails out of just this post, so that's why I went looking for what led up to this. I had not read the others. Only then was I able to understand your question. Link to post Share on other sites
Author banini_jeque Posted January 9, 2015 Author Share Posted January 9, 2015 Well, I need to go back to no contact. 4 days under my belt already. I was feeling way better when I was doing it before, but then I saw a guy that she dated after me and I slipped. I guess I just try to do better this time. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted January 9, 2015 Share Posted January 9, 2015 How do you communicate to a friend that you're deeply hurt by something they've done or said, without making them feel like you're accusing them? I told her that the thing she said made me feel like she valued a person's experience more than she valued me as a person. I know she probably doesn't really think that way, but what she said made me FEEL like she did, so I told her how I felt. Now she doesn't want to be friends until I don't feel that way anymore, which confuses me. Why would the way I feel just automatically change? Wouldn't she try to clarify what she meant in a less hurtful way to help me understand it better if she really cared about our friendship? Many people cannot just say "I am sorry that I hurt your feelings" or "I was wrong, I apologize." Your friend has stomped on your openness and honesty, refused to admit her mistake and put it all on you, making it your fault that she hurt your feelings. She is in the wrong here, it's up to her to make it right and say the proper things to you, show you in action. Not for you to 'get over it' and then call her. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
La Trese Posted January 12, 2015 Share Posted January 12, 2015 I agree with the person who posted above. The girl is the one in the wrong. Whether you were justified in feeling the way you did or not, you expressed your feelings. As you said, she cannot tell you how to feel. The appropriate response for her would be for her to say something like " I am sorry I made you feel this way, I didn't mean it that way, what I meant was ........... Next time let me know and ill explain". A good friend should at least explain why what they said isn't meant to be offensive. I had a friend do the same thing that your friend did to me; She said something very rude to embarass me in front of my friends, I confronted her about it in private (in a nice way too) and she just walked out of the room and blocked me on facebook LOL. You know what you do in those situations? You let them go. That isn't a real friend. I know if I did something to piss someone off i'd apologize if I cared and if I didn't then i'd use it as an excuse to get out of the friendship. Sounds like she doesn't care/isn't a good friend and you should just let her go. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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