Have I made a huge mistake?

[JenniferSM]

I've been friends with this guy for about 8 months now. About 4 months ago we started dating. I had just come out of a long term relationship, so I guess at first I started dating him to take my mind off the break up and help me move on.

 

As the months went on we got really close and there's lots I like about him. We have a laugh together, have lots of similar interests and he is lovely. He really cared for me and everything seems exciting when I'm around him. But after a while I've seen a few issues in the relationship. As shallow as it sounds he's not the best looking guy even though sexually I am attracted to him. I started to feel I would be embarrassed if people knew I was seeing him and I wasnt keen on holding his hand in public, I know it sounds awful but that is how I felt. Also he has fallen really deep for me, he's never had a girlfriend or attention from girls, I think it's because he's quite strange but that didn't bother me as I like strange people and find them more interesting. But it meant things were going so fast and after a few months we were basically in a committed relationship which I didn't want, mainly because he is a bit odd and you shouldn't really be embarrassed of a boyfriend.

 

Now I've cut things off and I really miss him. I just can't tell if it's because I want company or because I actually want him. I miss our time together and the fun I was having, I just got freaked out it was going so fast. I'm scared I've made a huge mistake and have missed out on someone who could have been right for me? He says he can't even be friends anymore because it's too hard for him, which I understand. Do you think I should give it another go? Any advice would be appreciated!!

[preraph]

It's nice you're tolerant, but it's not good to be with someone you wouldn't want others to see you with either. Since you said he's not had other relationships, I believe he genuinely is odd enough to have prevented him from other relationships and that it's not just you.

 

What is odd about him? Any chance you could get him to work on it with a professional or just plain old stop acting odd? You said he's not good looking but you're attracted to him sexually, so that's all fine. But if he's really odd, he needs to work on it to keep you, maybe he will.

[Satu]

If you're not sure if you should be with someone or not, the it often means that you shouldn't - but not always. Give yourself enough time to get clear about it. If you don't know, you don't know.

[FaithInTheDark]

I think if you really do like a guy in terms of having a relationship, you're not going to care about what others think since he's not good looking. Maybe give yourself time to think if this is just someone to keep you occupied or someone you have real feelings for.

The answer is in your heart.

You gotta consider his feelings too with all of this... But if you're really missing him and second guessing maybe you do really care about him.

[shet]

Sounds like this guy's better off without you. How would he feel if he read this post. Imagine the look on his face.

 

You're not a good person.

[Timshel]

If you choose to go back to him realize that if you change your mind again or dump him when something "better" comes along, it will break his heart.

 

At this point I would advise thinking more of his feelings than your own discomfort.

 

You may not be able to love him as a boyfriend but can love him and perhaps keep him as a friend if you choose an honorable action.

[Danda]

You used this guy for a rebound and then your first big concern is not wanting to hold his hand in public because you think he's too ugly? Wtf lol. You are not even thinking about his feelings at all in your post, it's just about your own needs and concerns. What about his? Do you really think it's morally acceptable to yank him around and use him like that? Jesus. Let's set aside your emotional needs for a moment: The right thing to do is to remain No Contact with him and let him move on.

[lizzygirl]

I don't want to be brutal about you using this guy, even though on the outside looking in, it does appear that way. There are horrible people out there who do these things. But, it seems that you sort of did it without realizing it, in a fragile place at the time, took a friendship further than you should have, etc. Hey, no one is perfect.

 

I do have to admit, your obvious embarrassment of his looks, etc. is pretty shallow. We are not here to pick mates as to how they make us "look" to others. On the flip side, if you were really in love with him, you wouldn't care what anyone else thinks and it wouldn't be an issue. I think you were attracted to him sexually because you just needed someone to make you feel better at the time. When we are the "walking wounded" on the reboud, sometimes we do strange things.

 

I think you miss him because he was a good friend and it should have stayed that way. Now you can't go back and you have to face that. But the last thing you should do is string him along because you are needy right now. That is not fair to him.

[WomenWubber]

Sounds like this guy's better off without you. How would he feel if he read this post. Imagine the look on his face.

 

You're not a good person.

 

I agree with everything except the bold. Having social standards does not make anyone a bad person. Also it's a shame that mistakes hurt people, but everyone makes them.

 

@JenniferSM

"He says he can't even be friends anymore because it's too hard for him, which I understand."

 

If you do, then begin and stick to NC. You had the resolve to end things with him, but I don't think you have the mindset to make things work again. Let this one go.

 

Don't worry, he will get over you someday. You did him a favor by breaking up with him, because he deserves to be with someone who's proud (not ashamed) of him. Don't contact him again and you will be doing him another favor.

 

[JenniferSM]

Thanks for the comments everyone.

 

Just to clear things up for those of you who think I don't care about him and just used him. He was never a rebound! I genuinely really liked him, we spent hours talking on the phone, I would look forward to seeing him so much and we had such a good connection. I could be myself around him and I felt happy when I was around him. We have similar opinions and interests and we just get each other so well which is why I'm finding this so difficult and I don't know if I've made a mistake. My main reasons for ending it is that I'm scared to commit again so quickly after a long term relationship and I was looking forward to being single. My other reason is his looks and the way he acts occasionally. if you think that makes me a bad person then fair enough but I can't help how I feel about it. So I really don't know what to do! Sometimes in social situations he can be odd but when it's just me he's not like that at all and I miss him a lot, he made me feel happy and safe.

[shet]

You aren't a bad person for feeling that he's ugly and weird. You're a bad person for feeling that way, seeing him anyway because you can't stand being alone and he made you "happy and safe" while hating being seen with him. That is, objectively, bad.

 

At least you had the decency, however slow to emerge, to know it wasn't on and to cut it off eventually. Don't rekindle it with the poor ****er. Even if you accept his appearance and behaviour next time, you know damn well all you'll do is wait for someone you find handsome. You already told us how important that is to you.