DB_09 Posted January 9, 2015 Share Posted January 9, 2015 After 4 years being the OW with my MM, I finally met someone. I didn't think I'd ever meet anyone that could make me feel the way MM did, but my feelings for this man grew and grew and I had the courage to finally tell MM how it felt to be the OW and that I didn't want it anymore. After 2 months of limited interaction with my MM, he calls today and said that he wants "us", he wants me, and that he's ready to leave his wife. He wants me to stick with him for the rough road ahead as he makes this happen. I want to believe him, but I'm not sure I do. I could risk losing a great man if I decide to stay with MM in hope that leaving his wife will really happen. I've never been more confused. Any advice from those who have been in this situation? Link to post Share on other sites
spookysonata Posted January 9, 2015 Share Posted January 9, 2015 Oh, he's "ready to leave his wife"? That's precious. Tell him to call you when his divorce is final. Stick with the new guy, assuming he's actually free and available. 11 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted January 9, 2015 Share Posted January 9, 2015 I assume you told your MM about your new guy? If so, then that is why he's pulling this on you. Really I doubt very much he's left his wife and is divorcing her. It sounds like just words and empty promises once again. Another thought is, this new guy may be a rebound. It's obvious you still have lots of feelings for (ex)MM, fact is, if he left and really did divorce, you'd probably jump at the chance to be with him. With that said, if that's true or a possibility, what you have with this other guy is a bandaid and someone to fill in time. 2 months of limited contact and you're dating someone else. Are you truly "happy" with your boyfriend? If you told MM to go away and never contact you again that you have moved on then block him, would you honestly be totally happy and fulfilled with your current bf or would you regret and want exMM back. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Poppy47 Posted January 9, 2015 Share Posted January 9, 2015 I don't think you are ready to have a relationship with the single man or any other man yet. It takes a long time to get over being the OW. Firstly you have to go completely NC with MM and then grieve the loss of the four years you wasted on him. I think, only then, would you be ready to make a decision about getting into another relationship. Does the single guy know about the MM? Make a clean start and don't risk hurting the single one. Rebound relationships rarely ever work out. Poppy 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author DB_09 Posted January 9, 2015 Author Share Posted January 9, 2015 I've actually know the single man for 10 years, and reconnected when he moved back in the area this summer. There was always an attraction but at the time he had a serious GF. I had been contemplating NC with MM for a long time now, honestly I was afraid to pull the trigger, knowing the pain that would come as a result. I found myself being more and more frustrated with the situation. I had tried to meet other people throughout the 4 years but would always compare them to MM. When I reconnected with single man I didn't think twice about MM, it was refreshing to know I could get to that point. MM does not know about single man, he just wanted me back after 2 months of LC. I have not been able to get myself to tell single man about MM, I told him I had fallen in love with someone unavailable, but not the extent of it. I don't want to start a relationship with any lies, I just don't know how to come out and explain that. Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted January 9, 2015 Share Posted January 9, 2015 Reading this on a screen, it's easy to want to roll my eyes at this post and think, "is she nuts or what?" But I have to say that if my xMM said those words to me, it would've really knocked my socks off. I can see why this would completely unnerve you. It's really hard to say what to do. You do know that your xMM is a huge gamble, right? I think you need to think about the guy you're currently with and decide if he's the one you want to be with or not. You describe him as a really good guy. People like that don't come along every day. Would it be worth destroying what the two of you have? Because if you break up with him over this, there will be no going back. Your xMM has had 4 yrs to make a decision. Really, he had his shot and he screwed up. And who's to say that he's not just trying to break up you and this guy so that you'll go back to him? I don't know. I think if tell him that you would prefer to see how things go with this new guy. Maybe they'll work out, maybe not. Btw, xMM has a lot of nerve asking you to be there for him. When was he there when he was busy breaking your heart? Link to post Share on other sites
cif Posted January 9, 2015 Share Posted January 9, 2015 Tell MM to give yo a call when the divorce is final but until then you want him to respect NC. Stick with new guy. Most likely you will completely forget (hopefully) about the cheating MM. Nothing like having a man all to yourself. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted January 9, 2015 Share Posted January 9, 2015 I've actually know the single man for 10 years, and reconnected when he moved back in the area this summer. There was always an attraction but at the time he had a serious GF. I had been contemplating NC with MM for a long time now, honestly I was afraid to pull the trigger, knowing the pain that would come as a result. I found myself being more and more frustrated with the situation. I had tried to meet other people throughout the 4 years but would always compare them to MM. When I reconnected with single man I didn't think twice about MM, it was refreshing to know I could get to that point. MM does not know about single man, he just wanted me back after 2 months of LC. I have not been able to get myself to tell single man about MM, I told him I had fallen in love with someone unavailable, but not the extent of it. I don't want to start a relationship with any lies, I just don't know how to come out and explain that. If you don't start back up with MM you have no need to tell the new guy. Your past relationships are just that, as long as you keep them in the past. I don't understand your confusion, ready to leave isn't have left. Give up on a new guy full of new hope for the same old lying, cheating guy that has made you his number two, three four whatever, it wasn't number one. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
cif Posted January 9, 2015 Share Posted January 9, 2015 Also, don't tell MM about the BF.. It's none of his business and telling him will cause him to react and shift your focus back onto him. The new guy doesn't need to know details of past relationships, unless he specifically asks i guess. Live your life. Not sure about the advice to be alone and wallow in misery especially since you've known him 10 years. Link to post Share on other sites
Author DB_09 Posted January 10, 2015 Author Share Posted January 10, 2015 It's hard not to have second thoughts about those words I've hoped to hear for 4 years, but I agree with all of you that it's fear of losing me causing him to say these things. I know I need to be strong and initiate NC and see where things go with the single man. If he ends up really leaving his wife, I'm sure he'll figure out a way to let me know, and that's a big "IF". Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted January 10, 2015 Share Posted January 10, 2015 It's hard not to have second thoughts about those words I've hoped to hear for 4 years, but I agree with all of you that it's fear of losing me causing him to say these things. I know I need to be strong and initiate NC and see where things go with the single man. If he ends up really leaving his wife, I'm sure he'll figure out a way to let me know, and that's a big "IF". This comment suggests that maybe you shouldn't involve anyone else in this mess. You just pretty much said you would go running if MM were to divorce. How does that sound fair to the new guy? You are saying the relationship is depended upon a third party. Leave the single guy alone, he doesn't deserve to be used in this manner. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Author DB_09 Posted January 10, 2015 Author Share Posted January 10, 2015 I have no malicious intent towards the new single man, nor am I using him. All I'm doing is being very honest with feelings that stem and linger from a 4 year affair that I thought many on this forum could relate to. I apologize for my honesty and appreciate the nonjudgmental feedback. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
GirlStillStrong Posted January 10, 2015 Share Posted January 10, 2015 Guys who string you along and dangle carrots in front of you are *******s. This is a GAME to him, nothing more, and YOU are his pawn. Look at you. The creep says two sentences to you and you're all ready to jump, dump the new guy, and go back to being played. What power these guys have over us. As long as we continue to WANT what we think MM will give us someday, we remain STUCK in the same scenario, just like in Groundhog Day. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mal78 Posted January 10, 2015 Share Posted January 10, 2015 After 4 years being the OW with my MM, I finally met someone. I didn't think I'd ever meet anyone that could make me feel the way MM did, but my feelings for this man grew and grew and I had the courage to finally tell MM how it felt to be the OW and that I didn't want it anymore. After 2 months of limited interaction with my MM, he calls today and said that he wants "us", he wants me, and that he's ready to leave his wife. He wants me to stick with him for the rough road ahead as he makes this happen. I want to believe him, but I'm not sure I do. I could risk losing a great man if I decide to stay with MM in hope that leaving his wife will really happen. I've never been more confused. Any advice from those who have been in this situation? Like what others have said, tell him until the Divorce is final you don't want to hear a single word from him. You know that isn't going to happen because like he said, "he want you to stick with him for the long road ahead". If you don't make that promise then the 5% chance of D goes to 0% chance. He needs his crutch to carry him there is no way he will do this alone. However, *if* hell freezes over and he did call you after a D was final then what could be more satisfying than to tell him that you found love again and you are happy. There are many situations where people find love after they lose their "true love". Either because it was forbidden love or that person died. Treat it like that, he died. Morn and move on. You deserve happiness and to be someone's all. You have lived way too long as seconds. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
twosadthings Posted January 10, 2015 Share Posted January 10, 2015 I'm an old guy, that must be why I'm a fan of old sayings. In your case "if they cheat with you they'll cheat on you" seems to be appropriate. Just sayin', Twosadthings 1 Link to post Share on other sites
jbrent890 Posted January 10, 2015 Share Posted January 10, 2015 I have no malicious intent towards the new single man, nor am I using him. All I'm doing is being very honest with feelings that stem and linger from a 4 year affair that I thought many on this forum could relate to. I apologize for my honesty and appreciate the nonjudgmental feedback. I don't think there is judgement, but we are asking you to think about this from a different point of view. Trust me there is no hostility with what I have to say, so please bare with me. From your posts, it sounds like you are going to start things with this new guy, but if your exAP does come back into the picture, you would leave the new guy for him. Ask yourself, does that honestly sound fair to the new guy? Your at a a crossroads right now. Personally I don't think that you should start things with this new guy if you are having these types of feelings because you are only going to end up hurting him in the end. For first time ever, I'm actually am going to have to disagree with DKT. I think you do need to have honest conversation with the new guy and let him know where he stands. If you do continue the relationship with him, then I'm sorry to say thay you are going to have to drop the exAP regardless if he leaves his marriage. Good luck with whatever you decide to do. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
still_an_Angel Posted January 10, 2015 Share Posted January 10, 2015 If it was me I'd seriously give the new guy my best, honest shot at a proper relationship with him. I'm in a LT relationship with my MM and I can understand where you're coming from. I'm quite attached to my MM as well. But to be honest, there's too much complication with a MM who asks you to "hang in there till I can leave my M". its like a promise that is not really a promise. This is all that he can offer you, another round of waiting for him which is asking you to put your life on hold and wait (until when???). You said it yourself, him actually leaving his M is an 'IF, that is a big IF, and you know it. Please give yourself a chance to make a good partnership with this new guy. It can still go either way and might not work. But a prospective R that you deserve. I think its time and only fair that now its MM's turn to wait in the wings because you've got something good going on here. He's the one who's attached, if he truly wants the best for you, he'll leave you alone and pursue you when he is D. Think about your own life and what will be good for you. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Darren Steez Posted January 10, 2015 Share Posted January 10, 2015 I've actually know the single man for 10 years, and reconnected when he moved back in the area this summer. There was always an attraction but at the time he had a serious GF. I had been contemplating NC with MM for a long time now, honestly I was afraid to pull the trigger, knowing the pain that would come as a result. I found myself being more and more frustrated with the situation. I had tried to meet other people throughout the 4 years but would always compare them to MM. When I reconnected with single man I didn't think twice about MM, it was refreshing to know I could get to that point. MM does not know about single man, he just wanted me back after 2 months of LC. I have not been able to get myself to tell single man about MM, I told him I had fallen in love with someone unavailable, but not the extent of it. I don't want to start a relationship with any lies, I just don't know how to come out and explain that. I'm an advocate of telling your partner the whole truth, but if you are serious about this relationship then cut everything off with the MM, tell him not to contact you anymore and delete him from your life and commit to this new guy. You have a chance to be with someone and live authentically. If you're going to stay in contact with the MM then let the other guy know so he can have a choice of whether to stay with you, so you're not leading him on. That would be unfair. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
almond Posted January 10, 2015 Share Posted January 10, 2015 It's really sad to read about someone going through so much pain, then finally having a shot at happiness...only to be pulled back in and to throw it all away. Let your current boyfriend go...he deserves more. You were keeping in touch with the MM the whole time...you never gave the new guy a chance. You're not ready for a relationship. You need to work hard on yourself. You've got a long way to go if you can be with someone who adores you and who you care for in return, but still can't even go NC with the MM. I hope you can come out the other side of this one day <3 Link to post Share on other sites
Friskyone4u Posted January 10, 2015 Share Posted January 10, 2015 Unfortunately right now you are not a safe partner for your new man and you are probably going to wind up dating him and then cheating on him. Your married boyfriend is going to keep you dangling and ruin your chances to move on of yourt him. Why don't you tell him there will be absolutely NO SEX until he physically leaves his wife and divorces her and see how long he sticks around. My guess is the. You will really find out what he is after You have two simple choices here. Either enhance and develop your relationship with a good eligible man who wants you or be mistress to a guy who will use you for his selfish wants. Your new man needs to not be betrayed by you from the stsrt and you will be sorry if you keep dating him and start sleeping with the MM again on the side. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
LadyLuck2014 Posted January 10, 2015 Share Posted January 10, 2015 Hell, I'd put more faith in a wino off the street than I would a lying MM who for FOUR yeas has only seen you as an 'option.' Now that his 'option' has gotten smart and is moving on, the liar needed to sweet the pot and is now suddenly going to 'divorce.' Pfft. You weren't good enough for FOUR years for him to leave - now suddenly, you ARE? Go with the decent guy. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted January 10, 2015 Share Posted January 10, 2015 he's ready to leave his wife. He wants me to stick with him for the rough road ahead as he makes this happen. He's ready to leave his wife? Takes 5 minutes to tell her to move out, go home to her parents or stay with a friend or for him to pack some stuff in a suitcase and go. What rough road? Or is that the road you will be on, when he has his supply of sex restored and then he still hums and haws over leaving her. He has had 4 years of having his cake and eating it, the transition to only having you, will be hard for him. Even if he does leave, you have to remember, that being the partner of a MM, leaves a vacancy, do not be surprised if you are then a BS. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
LadyLuck2014 Posted January 10, 2015 Share Posted January 10, 2015 He's ready to leave his wife? Takes 5 minutes to tell her to move out, go home to her parents or stay with a friend or for him to pack some stuff in a suitcase and go. What rough road? Or is that the road you will be on, when he has his supply of sex restored and then he still hums and haws over leaving her. He has had 4 years of having his cake and eating it, the transition to only having you, will be hard for him. Even if he does leave, you have to remember, that being the partner of a MM, leaves a vacancy, do not be surprised if you are then a BS. ^^^^^ Repeated for truth. ^^^^^^ Link to post Share on other sites
jellybean89 Posted January 10, 2015 Share Posted January 10, 2015 I agree with everyone else. The MM has had 4 long years of "choosing" you. He hasn't. Saying he is ready to leave and doing it are two separate things. Look at all the OW on here, they have been told the same thing...and they are either still waiting or have chosen to not participate in the affair anymore. So how long have you been "dating" the new guy? Have you slept with him? When was the last time you slept with MM? If you want to continue to wait on MM, that's your choice. But do the honest and respectful thing and let the new guy go. Just because you are okay with being with someone already committed to someone else doesn't mean the new guy should get stuck being cheated on by you. Link to post Share on other sites
scatterd Posted January 10, 2015 Share Posted January 10, 2015 Here is something to think about. Your mm is a cheater and if he cheated on his wife he will do it to you. He will come up with the same story about you as he does his wife. It is a character flaw he has and he wont change. You have a chance with a nice guy that can offer you so much more This should be the one you pick with no question. Its either be with someone who leads you on and cheats or be with someone who will be with you only and make you happy. Pick the nice guy and get rid of the cheater. good luck hun 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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