Poppy47 Posted January 10, 2015 Share Posted January 10, 2015 Reflecting on xMM recently. He could never comprehend that a single OW was in a different situation to a MM in an affair. It was a mystery to him that I was on an emotional roller coaster. It finally became too painful for me and I walked away. Do MM or MW for that matter, really understand that their AP really hurts at times and that the A is very destructive? Would love to hear thoughts from either side of the fence, Thanks. Poppy. Link to post Share on other sites
GoldieLox Posted January 10, 2015 Share Posted January 10, 2015 (edited) I was not a single OW, but a married OW, so I cannot answer from that point of view. I can, however, answer your original question. I do not think APs understand the extent of the damage they can cause. There will always be one partner (I have found it is usually the woman) who hurts, or who hurts more than the other. There will always be one who is invested more, or who cares more, or who wants more. The other partner has their own motives as well, but those motives are often selfish, leaving the hurting partner to grapple for whatever they can. In my case personally, my MM "apologized" to me for the damage he may have caused. I use quotation marks because I did not hear one ounce of sincerity in that man's voice, and I will always believe he was doing it to make himself feel better. They may realize these things, but no, I do not fully believe they understand. Edited January 10, 2015 by GoldieLox 2 Link to post Share on other sites
still_an_Angel Posted January 10, 2015 Share Posted January 10, 2015 Reflecting on xMM recently. He could never comprehend that a single OW was in a different situation to a MM in an affair. It was a mystery to him that I was on an emotional roller coaster. It finally became too painful for me and I walked away. Do MM or MW for that matter, really understand that their AP really hurts at times and that the A is very destructive? Would love to hear thoughts from either side of the fence, Thanks. Poppy. I think its because your xMM has not lived the single life for such a long time, he has been M for most of his adult life thus he's always had his W around. He can no longer relate how it is to be truly alone, not having the luxury of talking to a partner anytime one wishes to, or touching a partner anytime you like, or having that someone who you know will be there by your side as you walk through life. He might've had a better understanding if he lives the single life and be the OM, being the second person in somebody's marriage. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
GirlStillStrong Posted January 10, 2015 Share Posted January 10, 2015 No, they do not understand, nor do they care. Anyone who can listen to you tell them how much their actions hurt them and do nothing to change that is a sociopath. If I knew I was hurting someone by being in their life, I would stop being in their life. The world is a very big place, with lots of people to choose to associate with. As the old saying goes, actions speak louder than words. A MM's words are words from a snake. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
cocorico Posted January 10, 2015 Share Posted January 10, 2015 Do MM or MW for that matter, really understand that their AP really hurts at times and that the A is very destructive? I don't think there can be a OSFA answer to this. MPs are all different, OWs are all different and As are different. Some MPs will "get it", others won't. Some As will be destructive, others won't. Some OW will struggle, others won't. As an OW I certainly did not find the A destructive (though, perhaps, the xBW may have done in retrospect) and because my needs were so well catered for, I did not experience the "emotional roller coaster" so often described on LS by OW whose needs are not adequately met in the A. OTOH, my fMM really struggled. While the R itself made him happy and satisfied, the vestigial M and the strain of dealing with two increasingly incommensurate Rs was a constant source of pain and stress, as well as the sense of guilt at being unable to live up to his childhood promise (that he would save the BS from the big, nasty world) and the growing gulf between who he was - in the A, in himself, with friends and family, at work, etc - and who he had to be "at home" around her. Emotionally, he was the one on the roller coaster, experiencing great highs (in the R) and dreadful lows (in the M) and unsure how best to deal with them: to take the "selfish" option of walking away from his toxic M, or to take the "responsible" option of sticking out the hell until the kids were old enough to survive another split. Compared to what he went through, my experience of the A was pure sunshine and light. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Quiet Storm Posted January 10, 2015 Share Posted January 10, 2015 No, they do not understand, nor do they care. Anyone who can listen to you tell them how much their actions hurt them and do nothing to change that is a sociopath. If I knew I was hurting someone by being in their life, I would stop being in their life. The world is a very big place, with lots of people to choose to associate with. As the old saying goes, actions speak louder than words. A MM's words are words from a snake. Yes , but OWs actions speak louder than their words, too. If a relationship is hurting you, end it. MM hear OW complain and watch them cry. But many OW still stay in the affair, still engage with MM, still respond to him. So if a MM is looking at her actions, and not her words, then he's thinking it must not be that bad, or that OW loves him enough to tolerate the pain. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted January 10, 2015 Share Posted January 10, 2015 People who participate in affairs are people first and affair participants after that. Their affairs are one interaction of billions of interactions they'll have in a lifetime. Each person assigns meaning and value to interactions individually and in their own unique and personal style. One life lesson to learn is that empathy for others is generally taught at a young age and learned through life experience and, if a default is to be recognized, empathy is not amongst default behaviors in life. IOW, it's nice but don't expect it, from anyone. Expect people to be self-involved and interested in only promoting their own goals and successes and those of others being relatively meaningless. Express appreciation when encountering verifiable exceptions, such as a MM empathizing with the hurt an affair partner feels. Of course, the reverse can be in play as well, as empathy is a two-way street. In general, men, particularly hetero, are less expressive of feelings and/or empathy/sympathy/caring and other men are socialized and acclimated into this climate so we generally see it as normal, though it can appear cold and indifferent to outsiders. Perhaps it's one reason we seek out women for relationships, to balance out what we don't experience with our peers. Feeling empathy for another, whether spouse, affair partner, child, parent, friend, person on the street, whatever, and showing same, is a personality characteristic that simply is, without general seeking of recompense nor reward. If you find it valuable, value it. So quickly it, and life, are gone. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted January 10, 2015 Share Posted January 10, 2015 Seems to me that control plays a part in how affairs affect the participants. There are people who think of the relationship in the same way as a casual, FWB or f*ck buddy relationship. They do not really get involved and so do not suffer the emotional roller coaster, because they are in control. A FWB can easily be dumped, there is no emotional investment. They do not care. As long as their needs whether purely sexual or for companionship are being met, then it is all fine. Some just love the drama, the secrecy, the intrigue, the partner may not be that important, they are usually in control. Some are just in As for revenge and manipulation, some of these people are very much in control and some are out of control. Others see the relationship as an "if only.... we could be happy" type of relationship, "if only he wasn't married", "if only there weren't any kids", "if only I could leave my husband", "if only my wife wasn't ill". There is usually a bit of practicality there, the situation is not the best, but it is manageable. There is a reason the relationship cannot progress, so there is some control here. Some are racked with guilt, they are involved and hurting and upset. They may have been brought up to always feel guilt and shame and their actions appal them, but their needs and desires take them over. They are not in control. Others fall in love and if is not reciprocated or is seems impossible then they hurt really badly, taking everything seriously and get upset at the least little thing, because they feel things so deeply. They will always be tortured in an affair as it is unlikely they will ever live their dream. They have little sense of control as they allow themselves to be swept up in the whirlwind of romance. Some are hooked on self sacrifice or self sabotage, they get into impossible situations. they feel aggrieved, yet wallow in the futility. They moan about lack of control, yet do not take control even when it is offered. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
GirlStillStrong Posted January 10, 2015 Share Posted January 10, 2015 Seems to me that control plays a part in how affairs affect the participants. There are people who think of the relationship in the same way as a casual, FWB or f*ck buddy relationship. They do not really get involved and so do not suffer the emotional roller coaster, because they are in control. A FWB can easily be dumped, there is no emotional investment. They do not care. As long as their needs whether purely sexual or for companionship are being met, then it is all fine. Some just love the drama, the secrecy, the intrigue, the partner may not be that important, they are usually in control. Some are just in As for revenge and manipulation, some of these people are very much in control and some are out of control. Others see the relationship as an "if only.... we could be happy" type of relationship, "if only he wasn't married", "if only there weren't any kids", "if only I could leave my husband", "if only my wife wasn't ill". There is usually a bit of practicality there, the situation is not the best, but it is manageable. There is a reason the relationship cannot progress, so there is some control here. Some are racked with guilt, they are involved and hurting and upset. They may have been brought up to always feel guilt and shame and their actions appal them, but their needs and desires take them over. They are not in control. Others fall in love and if is not reciprocated or is seems impossible then they hurt really badly, taking everything seriously and get upset at the least little thing, because they feel things so deeply. They will always be tortured in an affair as it is unlikely they will ever live their dream. They have little sense of control as they allow themselves to be swept up in the whirlwind of romance. Some are hooked on self sacrifice or self sabotage, they get into impossible situations. they feel aggrieved, yet wallow in the futility. They moan about lack of control, yet do not take control even when it is offered. But whatever the case for the individual, these scenarios rarely end in happily ever after. They are very sick ways of relating to others. How I ever got drawn into a relationship with a MM I do not know, except that I thought I was in love but it turns out it was an illusion? I believed someone else's words in the hope that I had finally found the right person for me. This whole affair business is just dysfunctional and sickening. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
HappyAgain2014 Posted January 12, 2015 Share Posted January 12, 2015 (edited) I used to tell my xMM how miserable he'd be in my shoes. He had constant access to me, and two people who knew about him that he could contact if he didn't hear from me. I had neither assurance on my end. He said he'd hate that if it was reversed. Blah, blah, it won't be forever is what he'd say. Damn right. Deadline came and went and I was done. Most of these men actually get a power trip off these scenarios. Don't give them that control and your pain will come to an end. Edited January 12, 2015 by HappyAgain2014 4 Link to post Share on other sites
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