How do you process your MM/MW having sex with their spouse?

[Mal78]

An honest to goodness question that I've always wanted to know. For those who have had long term A/R with their MM/MW how do you reflect on the fact they are still having sex with their spouse.

 

I've heard many BS's say sex was fantastic.... mind blowing during the A prior to D-day. Some say they think it's a way to take the edge off their guilt.

 

Thoughts?

[nikki76]

My xAP would only have sex once or twice a month. I dont think this is a lie, way before we had the A, he would say this. And he's even mentioned it to my H. He sleeps in the basement.

 

When they would have sex, sometimes he would tell me, in detail, about how terrible the experience was. She hated sex. Would leave her shirt on and light off.

 

I would be sick to my stomach hearing about it. I would imagine it in my head. Then it would make me want to have sex with my H, almost like out of revenge. Totally ridiculous, I know that now. As much as I tried to realize that he has every right to have sex with his wife, and no right to be with me, it would bother me. And for his bday, that drove me insane, that it wasn't with me. (We only had sex 3 times in our pathetic 8 month A).

 

It would make me so angry that he would ask me too, when was the last time i had sex with my H, and it wouldn't even bother him. Strange.

[d0nnivain]

I would take a long, hard look at why I was settling for half a loaf.

[Amberbelle1]

This is a really good question- my personal opinion is that sex with two different people can be very different. I used to get upset the thought of my mm having sex with his wife, your imagination goes crazy wondering if he makes love to me like her makes love to her. I never ask my mm about his sex life because something's in life you don't need to know. It would only upset me knowing that he has been intimate with her.

I know my sex life with my mm is special and even after two years it feels great! Maybe he does have sex with his wife but if it was furfilling his needs would he of even had an affair in the first place? Sex is linked to emotional needs and I always feel so much closer to my mm after we have made love.

I understand that you had that feeling to sleep with your husband out of revenge. Not being able to have sex when you want it with your mm Could leave you feeling out of control because deep down you wish That you were the one making love to him. Therefore, to hear he had sex with his wife is naturally going to make you jealous. Just my opinion

[cocorico]

An honest to goodness question that I've always wanted to know. For those who have had long term A/R with their MM/MW how do you reflect on the fact they are still having sex with their spouse.

 

I've heard many BS's say sex was fantastic.... mind blowing during the A prior to D-day. Some say they think it's a way to take the edge off their guilt.

 

Thoughts?

 

I expected that he, being a highly sexual man and an amazing lover, would be having sex (of whatever quality) with his BW so it never occurred to me to question that... Until it became apparent to me that he wasn't, and hadn't for some time. He had lost all desire for her, and simply wasn't able or willing to perform.

[elaine567]

This is one of the many reasons I could never be an OW.

[carhill]

How do you process your MM/MW having sex with their spouse?

 

Generally, for a man anyway, in the same manner we process women having multiple concurrent or consecutive sexual partners in general. When dating a woman, I expect her to be having sex with other men and have rarely been disappointed, whether that man turns out to be a husband, boyfriend, or dating partner/lover/FWB/ONS, whatever. It's simply part of life and the unknowns of interpersonal relationships. How they are during our interactions are how they are during our interactions.

 

Did this perspective begin in this manner? No! I had all these flowery and romantic illusions of how love and relationships were. Real women, in the real world, taught the life lessons of reality. The key was accepting it and ceasing to fight reality and simply move forward with that information. What is not known is unknown and forever shall remain unknown. Other things in life to focus on than the unknown.

[Timshel]

Yeah, NO. Some people don't mind sharing I guess. Unfortunately the S doesn't know that they are. Not fair, AP has a choice, S doesn't. For the AP- if they don't like it, get out.

[anika99]

My xAP would only have sex once or twice a month. I dont think this is a lie, way before we had the A, he would say this. And he's even mentioned it to my H. He sleeps in the basement.

 

When they would have sex, sometimes he would tell me, in detail, about how terrible the experience was. She hated sex. Would leave her shirt on and light off.

 

I would be sick to my stomach hearing about it. I would imagine it in my head. Then it would make me want to have sex with my H, almost like out of revenge. Totally ridiculous, I know that now. As much as I tried to realize that he has every right to have sex with his wife, and no right to be with me, it would bother me. And for his bday, that drove me insane, that it wasn't with me. (We only had sex 3 times in our pathetic 8 month A).

 

It would make me so angry that he would ask me too, when was the last time i had sex with my H, and it wouldn't even bother him. Strange.

 

The bolded makes absolutely no sense. Since his wife hated sex so much that would mean he must have been the one initiating. Then he would tell you how awful it was. Yet he consistently inflicted this awful experience upon himself 1-2 times every month. That sounds ridiculous.

[nikki76]

The bolded makes absolutely no sense. Since his wife hated sex so much that would mean he must have been the one initiating. Then he would tell you how awful it was. Yet he consistently inflicted this awful experience upon himself 1-2 times every month. That sounds ridiculous.

 

It is ridiculous. I know. And the fact that he would tell me about it was even more ridiculous.

 

The whole situation was just wrong, thats why im not in the A anymore.

Edited January 10, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Fixed quote

[dichotomy]

This whole concept just grosses me out. I mean your kissing a mouth that might have been on their BS's genitals recently and worse yet unknowingly to the BS on the flip side . Sorry to be so balatant.

[ktya]

An honest to goodness question that I've always wanted to know. For those who have had long term A/R with their MM/MW how do you reflect on the fact they are still having sex with their spouse.

 

I've heard many BS's say sex was fantastic.... mind blowing during the A prior to D-day. Some say they think it's a way to take the edge off their guilt.

 

Thoughts?

 

Ive been having sex on and off with a girl who i was dating and moved away and got a bf for a year. I dont really care, hes her bf shes obviously having sex with him. From the feel of her inside, hes either armed with a pencil between his legs or they arent having sex very much. Last time it took 10 minutes of easing it in to get it in all the way it was like having sex with a virgin. Ive been told im big, but its not like ive got a huge monster down there.

 

As long as its not like banging a bucket of water and shes clean with no traces of him whatever, par for the course.

[preraph]

When in my late 20s/early 30s, I dated three separated guys, two of whom were long-term friends before and after, one of whom separated about the time I first met him and who I still email with decades later. Two of the three of them told me that they can't imagine never having sex with their wife again. And yes, they did all divorce.

[GoldieLox]

I just accepted the fact that he had a wife and was going to have sex with her. That's what you do with your spouse. It did not bother me I guess.

[Gloria25]

I just accepted the fact that he had a wife and was going to have sex with her. That's what you do with your spouse. It did not bother me I guess.

 

And that kinda is/was my mentality when I was involved with guys who were married or with someone else.

 

I think it only bothered me if like he had a change in the frequency we were seeing each other and/or having sex - like if I was worrying that he was about to end it with me cuz he was back on to having sex with the wifey/gf.

 

I also think you handle it better when you know "what it is". I mean, if you agree to a FWB or an affair with a married guy. You're not gonna be surprised he's having sex with others. You KNEW what the deal was.

 

I don't like being lied to. If you wanna have sex with others, just say it. Geesh. I hate when some people lie, lie, and lie - yet you caught them with someone else. Why lie? Just to keep me around? I don't get it. I think some people get off of playing games.

[Gloria25]

When in my late 20s/early 30s, I dated three separated guys, two of whom were long-term friends before and after, one of whom separated about the time I first met him and who I still email with decades later. Two of the three of them told me that they can't imagine never having sex with their wife again. And yes, they did all divorce.

 

Oh, join the club...

 

I, sometimes was thinking of calling myself some kind lucky charm of think like the movie with Dane Cook, where each girl he sleeps with ends up married. So, he met a girl he really wanted and didn't want to sleep with her cuz he was afraid she'd leave him. I think it was called like 'Good Luck Chuck' or something.

 

I'm not tooting my own horn on my sex skills, but yes, on more than one occasion the guy - married or not - ended up leaving their wife/gf. I don't know if they had one foot out of the door already and sleeping with me is what gave them the "out" they were wishing for. Sad thing is they don't end up coming back to me My gf thinks that its cuz they think that if I'm capable of sleeping with an involved guy, that I'm a cheater.

 

Whatever...I FWB and can do a married guy not cuz I'm a homewrecker or a cheat, I do it cuz of my lack of desire for kids and/or the "whole white picket fence", and my independence seems to leave me with not many options. Relationships have to go "somewhere" (i.e. marriage and/or kids) or people really don't feel they have the glue to stick around. Also, men like to be needed...it's in their biology. I have my own stuff and do my own thing, so they feel useless and being "useful" in the bedroom isn't enough for them I guess.

Edited January 10, 2015 by Gloria25

[AVarma]

I hate to be THAT guy but what do these abbreviations mean? MM MW BS?

[Mal78]

I hate to be THAT guy but what do these abbreviations mean? MM MW BS?

MM- married man

MW- married women

BS- Betrayed Spouse

WS- Wayward spouse

AP- affair partner

 

.... to get you started

[elaine567]

I hate to be THAT guy but what do these abbreviations mean? MM MW BS?

 

MM - married man as in cheating MM

MW - married woman as in cheating MW

BS - betrayed spouse

[Mal78]

Oh, join the club...

 

I, sometimes was thinking of calling myself some kind lucky charm of think like the movie with Dane Cook, where each girl he sleeps with ends up married. So, he met a girl he really wanted and didn't want to sleep with her cuz he was afraid she'd leave him. I think it was called like 'Good Luck Chuck' or something.

 

I'm not tooting my own horn on my sex skills, but yes, on more than one occasion the guy - married or not - ended up leaving their wife/gf. I don't know if they had one foot out of the door already and sleeping with me is what gave them the "out" they were wishing for. Sad thing is they don't end up coming back to me My gf thinks that its cuz they think that if I'm capable of sleeping with an involved guy, that I'm a cheater.

 

Whatever...I FWB and can do a married guy not cuz I'm a homewrecker or a cheat, I do it cuz of my lack of desire for kids and/or the "whole white picket fence", and my independence seems to leave me with not many options. Relationships have to go "somewhere" (i.e. marriage and/or kids) or people really don't feel they have the glue to stick around. Also, men like to be needed...it's in their biology. I have my own stuff and do my own thing, so they feel useless and being "useful" in the bedroom isn't enough for them I guess.

 

Your perspective is very interesting. Although it's not my cup of tea I never considered this perspective from someone who doesn't desire "the white picket fence" package.

 

Is it mainly about sex with more than one partner type be it he is married and/or attached? Do you ever fall for someone head over heals and need them in your life on a continuous basis?

 

Again, Thank-you for a perspective I've never considered

[Mal78]

For those who have had sex on more than a few occasions with MM/MW do you find the sex better... more gratifying... more primal than having sex with someone who isn't attached (on a whole, generally speaking)?

 

Is there anything different about MM/MW sex?

[GoldieLox]

Is there anything different about MM/MW sex?

 

The fact that it's wrong and risky. It's a turn on for a lot of people.

[bambiwboone]

An honest to goodness question that I've always wanted to know. For those who have had long term A/R with their MM/MW how do you reflect on the fact they are still having sex with their spouse.

 

I've heard many BS's say sex was fantastic.... mind blowing during the A prior to D-day. Some say they think it's a way to take the edge off their guilt.

 

Thoughts?

 

 

Trying to put this kindly as possibly. I gave two ****s what he did with his wife. I had fooled myself into thinking she was irrelevant. I would be jelouse of every other women but the women who actually had him.

[MissBee]

An honest to goodness question that I've always wanted to know. For those who have had long term A/R with their MM/MW how do you reflect on the fact they are still having sex with their spouse.

 

I've heard many BS's say sex was fantastic.... mind blowing during the A prior to D-day. Some say they think it's a way to take the edge off their guilt.

 

Thoughts?

 

Not sure what you mean by long term, mine lasted about 2 years or so but I just put it out of mind since it was out of sight and it's not like he reported his sexual activity to me. I knew they had sex because he never said they didn't but I just chose not to think about it. Sometimes I would and it would upset me and I would be distant towards him because of it, majority of the time though I tried not to reflect on it.

[Sassy Girl]

An honest to goodness question that I've always wanted to know. For those who have had long term A/R with their MM/MW how do you reflect on the fact they are still having sex with their spouse.

 

I've heard many BS's say sex was fantastic.... mind blowing during the A prior to D-day. Some say they think it's a way to take the edge off their guilt.

 

Thoughts?

 

We don't think about it and I don't talk about it. I assume the average MM still likes to have sex with his wife. I know they don't have sex as often as he would like which is the same for me in my relationship.

 

 

I have stopped initiating in my marriage a long time ago. When we have sex its because H has decided he wants it. So the sex is no different at home. Not sure about MM though.

 

 

I know we have done things which are quite normal to me, but for MM some of these acts are new, and in his words "changed things for him". So yeah, the sex is amazing. He is a great lover, but it has been suppressed in his marriage for 20 years due to some vanilla tastes. H is also very vanilla and has told me on several occasions that what I like "turns him off" so he gets what he wants which is less than satisfying from my perspective, but exactly what he wants. I wouldn't say its fantastic, but you would have to ask him.