How do you process your MM/MW having sex with their spouse?

[Gloria25]

Your perspective is very interesting. Although it's not my cup of tea I never considered this perspective from someone who doesn't desire "the white picket fence" package.

 

Is it mainly about sex with more than one partner type be it he is married and/or attached? Do you ever fall for someone head over heals and need them in your life on a continuous basis?

 

Again, Thank-you for a perspective I've never considered

 

Lemme see if I understand your question(s)...

 

If you're asking about if there's a "thrill" or attraction in having sex with someone who's "taken"? That's not my reason for getting with someone who's involved. Like I said in my previous posts, my situation doesn't seem to allow me to have the opportunity to date people like other people normally do.

 

Now, another reason I have these kinds of RLs is I guess to keep me from getting close to them. Sort of a "self-fulfilling prophecy", like I can't get hurt in a real RL if I put my self in a RL I KNOW is going to end. Makes sense?

 

And no, I'm not getting tons of sex. Actually, in FWB situations you get sex "when you get it"...married, single, or involved - it's on the guy's terms. If you start asking for more time with them, they might back off thinking you want more with them.

 

As for the guys I've seen that were involved and/or married? Some were dogs (having me and a bunch of women they were sexing), some were "starved" in their RLs (not getting what they needed/desired). I didn't and don't like dogs, which will lead me to my answer of your other question(s).

 

About getting attached? There was a time I went with guys I would not date in real life and/or had characteristics about them I didn't like. But, over the years I've leaned towards getting involved with FWBs and/or taken guys that have education, characteristics, etc. of someone that I'd date in real life - which makes it hard when the "arrangement" ends.

 

My last FWB was kinda "different" I guess? He'd bring flowers a lot of times, we'd go out to eat and run errands. He'd always want to "do" things for me around the home and stuff. He met my family. But, at the end of the day, he reminded me that he was just my FWB. So, setting up a FWB with a guy I would normally "date" gets murky - especially when it ends. Funny though, I liked him, but still kept him at a distance...but, it still sucked when it ended.

 

BTW, I'm not some soulless creature w/o feelings. It does hurt when you're the OW and you see them doing things with their main squeeze that they won't do (especially in public) with you.

 

With my last FWB, I'd hate it when he talked about his wife. IMO, she was using her childhood molestation to "punish" him for all the men that violated her. But he saw her as the "victim" he was trying to "fix". I don't believe he was making up stories to get my sympathy. When I met him, he laid out he was married and wasn't getting what he needed...it wasn't until I started spending more time with him that he'd "talk" and he even asked me if I was ok with him talking, but he needed to vent.

 

Even though I didn't like his wife, I'd still give him pointers/advice on ways to "fix" or "work" with her. So, again, me as the OW didn't mean I was just around the town f-ing with people.

 

I also respect the boundaries. I'm not the mistress/OW that's gonna be calling your home or boiling your bunny. I know what I signed up for. Even in situations where the breakups got bad/nasty, I have my "don't hit below the belt" rule. No "Fatal Attraction" crap here. I get mad, pouty, block them out of my life and move on.

 

Hope that answers your questions.

[Gloria25]

For those who have had sex on more than a few occasions with MM/MW do you find the sex better... more gratifying... more primal than having sex with someone who isn't attached (on a whole, generally speaking)?

 

Is there anything different about MM/MW sex?

 

I don't know how it was for the guys, cuz I never asked them...but, I guessed they weren't used to certain attention/affection/variety in/out the bedroom...again, maybe cuz it was they were "starved" or maybe cuz of my cultural/ethnic background, I bring more passion to the table?

 

For me, depends on the guy. I usually take the lead. Unless they are just freakin' clueless, they get with the program and sorta "dance" with me. I guess vibe I'm sending out turns on something within them that makes the sex passionate. But, I don't know cuz I don't see how they are in the bedroom with their wifeys/gfs. I only get clues from what they say or do that leads me to the belief that they didn't/don't do certain things in the bedroom.

 

But again, the whole "risk" thing or having sex with someone else's guy isn't the motivator for me and doesn't influence how great the sex is. Sometimes the sex is "ok", sometimes it's fireworks.

[Jesuischarlie]

It used to make me crazy thinking but since short break I had sex and it was good but not the love I felt. So see is no good if you think of another. No longer bother me as I know he thinks of me. I would not be his wife in that. Just a physical release like my temporary lover

[Mal78]

I don't know how it was for the guys, cuz I never asked them...but, I guessed they weren't used to certain attention/affection/variety in/out the bedroom...again, maybe cuz it was they were "starved" or maybe cuz of my cultural/ethnic background, I bring more passion to the table?

 

For me, depends on the guy. I usually take the lead. Unless they are just freakin' clueless, they get with the program and sorta "dance" with me. I guess vibe I'm sending out turns on something within them that makes the sex passionate. But, I don't know cuz I don't see how they are in the bedroom with their wifeys/gfs. I only get clues from what they say or do that leads me to the belief that they didn't/don't do certain things in the bedroom.

 

But again, the whole "risk" thing or having sex with someone else's guy isn't the motivator for me and doesn't influence how great the sex is. Sometimes the sex is "ok", sometimes it's fireworks.

 

Again, Thank-you Gloria on a whole new perspective that I've never considered. It is very eyes opening and (and though being a BS, Married 20 years with 5 children could never consider your shoes) VERY empowering!

 

I would have loved to have a gf who could give me the pep talk and perspectives you most certainly exude with confidence in the many years I was young, dumb and dealing with bull s*it. I admire your candor.

 

That leads me to another question... Do you maintain a far amount of female friendships? (I suppose any OW/OM could answer this).

 

My bff spent many years being the OW, she quite enjoyed it as there was no strings or commitment. She would go back and forth with several over the years. Now she is in the longest relationship she has ever been exclusive to (2.5 years) and he has turned out to be a habitual cheater (go figure.. who other bag)

 

In 20+ years she has ONLY maintained our friendship. She has had friends but they come and go. I am polar opposite in most everything family, career, marriage...ect yet we can't go a day w/o texting/talking to each other (except on holidays she is away right now and I am constantly stopping myself from texting/calling her).

 

She has always said if she ever gets married (and that's a big *if*) I would be the only one there on her side.

 

It is obvious hard for her to maintain "female" relationships.

 

Is this the same for you?

[SolG]

My A has taken a slightly different course than most in the sex department. We were work colleagues, then close friends who crossed the line into an EA. Despite being crazily attracted to each other, we spent nine months in an EA before having sex. Yes, during that time we made out... But held back from actual sex of any kind.

 

Our rationale for holding back? Believe it or not, MM views sex as a serious emotional comittment. I actually didn't (well certainly not to the same extent) until I met him; I really wanted to go there far earlier. I've never waited nine months for anyone else!

 

After many discussions, I started to view it his way too. That once we did this, there would be no going back. This was a really serious decision. We decided that we would wait until we were both absolutely certain that this is where we wanted things to go. Over the last three months of our EA, there were many occasions where we would be on the verge... And then one or the other of us would back out at the last minute. Until one night while away on a business trip, it just happened. And it was awesome. And has been ever since.

 

I just didn't even think about the fact that he was having sex with his W, even though I knew he was. Just too painful.

 

At about 18 months into the affair MM and I had a discussion about the fact that he was finding it increasingly difficult to have sex with his W. While we hadn't really discussed it, I had stopped seeing anyone else back when the EA started. MM and his wife were already having a number of difficulties predating the A, and this on top of the relationship with me was making it difficult for him to feel the intimacy necessary for him to perform at home. At this point we decided to be physically exclusive. He hasn't had sex with W since and I know this to absolutley be the truth.

 

We're now at the four and a half year mark. Well beyond limerence. And the sex is still amazing. Whether in person, or via phone or cam. I've thought about the illicit element and whether or not that contributes. I would have to say that the secrecy becomes more and more of a painful negative as our A continues, as opposed to something that inspires passion.

 

I actually think that in some cases at least, maybe sexual sparks seem to really fly between partners in an A because the chemistry is generally so intense to begin with. If the chemistry were not so great in the first place, then there would be no incentive to take such a great and grave risk.

[NJ123]

My A has taken a slightly different course than most in the sex department. We were work colleagues, then close friends who crossed the line into an EA. Despite being crazily attracted to each other, we spent nine months in an EA before having sex. Yes, during that time we made out... But held back from actual sex of any kind.

 

Our rationale for holding back? Believe it or not, MM views sex as a serious emotional comittment. I actually didn't (well certainly not to the same extent) until I met him; I really wanted to go there far earlier. I've never waited nine months for anyone else!

 

After many discussions, I started to view it his way too. That once we did this, there would be no going back. This was a really serious decision. We decided that we would wait until we were both absolutely certain that this is where we wanted things to go. Over the last three months of our EA, there were many occasions where we would be on the verge... And then one or the other of us would back out at the last minute. Until one night while away on a business trip, it just happened. And it was awesome. And has been ever since.

 

I just didn't even think about the fact that he was having sex with his W, even though I knew he was. Just too painful.

 

At about 18 months into the affair MM and I had a discussion about the fact that he was finding it increasingly difficult to have sex with his W. While we hadn't really discussed it, I had stopped seeing anyone else back when the EA started. MM and his wife were already having a number of difficulties predating the A, and this on top of the relationship with me was making it difficult for him to feel the intimacy necessary for him to perform at home. At this point we decided to be physically exclusive. He hasn't had sex with W since and I know this to absolutley be the truth.

 

We're now at the four and a half year mark. Well beyond limerence. And the sex is still amazing. Whether in person, or via phone or cam. I've thought about the illicit element and whether or not that contributes. I would have to say that the secrecy becomes more and more of a painful negative as our A continues, as opposed to something that inspires passion.

 

I actually think that in some cases at least, maybe sexual sparks seem to really fly between partners in an A because the chemistry is generally so intense to begin with. If the chemistry were not so great in the first place, then there would be no incentive to take such a great and grave risk.

 

So you actually believe that he's telling you the truth that he's not having sex with his wife when he's home. Yeah, give me a break. He's definitely lying. That's what cheaters do. Why is she even still with him than & how would you even know what he's doing when you're not around?

Edited January 11, 2015 by NJ123

[Gloria25]

Again, Thank-you Gloria on a whole new perspective that I've never considered. It is very eyes opening and (and though being a BS, Married 20 years with 5 children could never consider your shoes) VERY empowering!

 

I would have loved to have a gf who could give me the pep talk and perspectives you most certainly exude with confidence in the many years I was young, dumb and dealing with bull s*it. I admire your candor.

 

That leads me to another question... Do you maintain a far amount of female friendships? (I suppose any OW/OM could answer this).

 

My bff spent many years being the OW, she quite enjoyed it as there was no strings or commitment. She would go back and forth with several over the years. Now she is in the longest relationship she has ever been exclusive to (2.5 years) and he has turned out to be a habitual cheater (go figure.. who other bag)

 

In 20+ years she has ONLY maintained our friendship. She has had friends but they come and go. I am polar opposite in most everything family, career, marriage...ect yet we can't go a day w/o texting/talking to each other (except on holidays she is away right now and I am constantly stopping myself from texting/calling her).

 

She has always said if she ever gets married (and that's a big *if*) I would be the only one there on her side.

 

It is obvious hard for her to maintain "female" relationships.

 

Is this the same for you?

 

Thanks for your response to my posts, but I really don't find what I do as "empowering"...

 

About female friendships? I have only like a couple of females I am close to, but still guard what I tell them. Now I have people like co-workers, people I volunteer with that I'm "friendly" to, but I don't have/keep close ties to them. Over the years I've learned you have friends that you do/disclose things to based on the type of person they are and the relationship you have with them. Some women are just good to catch a movie with. Some, I can tell about a personal thing or two.

 

I tend to do a lot of things by myself. I go to the mall, restaurants, events, clubs, etc. on my own. Females and/or company in general can be exhausting for me.

[Sassy Girl]

So you actually believe that he's telling you the truth that he's not having sex with his wife when he's home. Yeah, give me a break. He's definitely lying. That's what cheaters do. Why is she even still with him than & how would you even know what he's doing when you're not around?

 

She does. Go back and read her pasts posts.

 

She has all the passwords to him email and full transparency to everything. If she sees any positive emotion to the wife she goes ballistic. this OW is monitoring and controlling all interactions he has with his own wife.

 

It's like a role reversal.... As if she's the wife and the wife is OW. And yet he still hasn't divorced. It's messed up.

 

I actually think this MM is as weak as they come

[SolG]

So you actually believe that he's telling you the truth that he's not having sex with his wife when he's home. Yeah, give me a break. He's definitely lying. That's what cheaters do. Why is she even still with him than & how would you even know what he's doing when you're not around?

 

Don't get me wrong, he hasn't been a saint through all of this. But on this point I don't just believe him, I KNOW it's the truth. I'm not going to go into how, but I do. I don't expect or require anyone else to understand; it's enough for me that I do.

 

I cannot speak for his W as to why she is still with him, but I suspect because she does not know the full extent of the A nor that it is ongoing, and she still believes the M can be saved. Who knows, it may yet be.

 

OP, just noticed your question about OW and female friends. I have a small cadre of really close female friends. When everyone else is chattering about their SOs, or trying to set you up on dates... It's been hard to engage. I have recently come out to a few friends; which has been really difficult for fear of judgement and perhaps losing them. They have without exception been nothing but supportive of me (not the A) for which I have been very thankful.

[NJ123]

She does. Go back and read her pasts posts.

 

She has all the passwords to him email and full transparency to everything. If she sees any positive emotion to the wife she goes ballistic. this OW is monitoring and controlling all interactions he has with his own wife.

 

It's like a role reversal.... As if she's the wife and the wife is OW. And yet he still hasn't divorced. It's messed up.

 

I actually think this MM is as weak as they come

 

well what a life that is. don't understand why anyone would bother having an affair, especially a long lasting one. it seems to rarely ever end well. someone always gets hurt in the end. it's really just sick to me that some people rather be in some ****ed up situation, than to have an actual healthy relationship. guess some people just have low self worth to do this ****.

[SolG]

She has all the passwords to him email and full transparency to everything. If she sees any positive emotion to the wife she goes ballistic. this OW is monitoring and controlling all interactions he has with his own wife.

 

This is past tense guys; no longer happening. I've moved past my obsessive phase thank goodness. But yes still in the A for now. And yes it's a messed/f&$ked up thing to be involved in. No arguments here!

 

But this thread is about answering OP's questions about OW/OM and how they deal with the WS and BS having sex during an affair, not the ancillary details of mine.

 

Sorry for the minor tj here OP!

[still_an_Angel]

An honest to goodness question that I've always wanted to know. For those who have had long term A/R with their MM/MW how do you reflect on the fact they are still having sex with their spouse.

 

I've heard many BS's say sex was fantastic.... mind blowing during the A prior to D-day. Some say they think it's a way to take the edge off their guilt.

 

Thoughts?

 

 

 

Honestly, I knew what I signed up for so that is part of the deal. My MM and his W are in their mid-50s and her drive has downshifted (like probably in her 40s). At any rate, if their low-frequency sex stops altogether, this would raise her suspicions. And this is probably one of the reasons why our A has gone LT, its gone undetected at home because nothing has changed there.

 

 

I really don't know if his W will say their sex is fantastic since our A started, she is a pure vanilla and MM and myself started as a D/s relationship which evolved into a full-blown A over time.

[anika99]

Ive been having sex on and off with a girl who i was dating and moved away and got a bf for a year. I dont really care, hes her bf shes obviously having sex with him. From the feel of her inside, hes either armed with a pencil between his legs or they arent having sex very much. Last time it took 10 minutes of easing it in to get it in all the way it was like having sex with a virgin. Ive been told im big, but its not like ive got a huge monster down there.

 

As long as its not like banging a bucket of water and shes clean with no traces of him whatever, par for the course.

 

 

You need some sex education. A woman's vagina does not get loose by having sex with a well endowed man. The fact that she felt very tight does not in any way indicate that her bf has a pencil dick. It does not take 10 minutes to get inside of a woman when she is relaxed and turned on, so your problem with getting inside of her indicates that either she wasn't sexually aroused or that she wasn't relaxed. Maybe she has some issues that just makes sex uncomfortable for her in general or maybe you just weren't doing it for her.

[nikki76]

You need some sex education. A woman's vagina does not get loose by having sex with a well endowed man. The fact that she felt very tight does not in any way indicate that her bf has a pencil dick. It does not take 10 minutes to get inside of a woman when she is relaxed and turned on, so your problem with getting inside of her indicates that either she wasn't sexually aroused or that she wasn't relaxed. Maybe she has some issues that just makes sex uncomfortable for her in general or maybe you just weren't doing it for her.

 

I wish there was a "LOVE" button for your comment.

[ktya]

Coming at from a guys perspective...

 

When im with a girl who is married or has a partner, its almost like they are silently begging for me to sweep them away. Ive been in a lot of relationships too, and i could imagine the dynamic that sends them to me. Lifes a bitch then you marry one, and it keeps getting in the way.

 

With my last *real* ex, the sex was miserable until we broke up - after that it was phenomenal. I assume its the same way for the MW with me, just im not the guy.

 

This one girl ive been seeing of and on for a year with a serious BF, she comes over and it goes from hi how are you to mad sex in usually about 10 minutes, she reciprocates every advance so things move really quickly. Shes not the initiating type, a conservative catholic, and so is the BF. Id imagine their sex is probably like with my ex fiancee, this slow repetitive dance each and every time, when it even happens. So when shes ready to come see me, she just wants to get treated like a whore. Im sure her BF would be shocked that she would ever do what she does with me.

 

I think it was Gloria25 who mentioned not wanting the white picket fence and how that might impact things. Im sure it does. If were looking to marry someone we want to show our sweet, good side. Maybe we keep it cleaner and so the sex and relationship doesnt hit that primal like a porn show factor; which is something we all kinda crave a bit of.

 

For example id be really careful about initiating anal sex with a woman i want to marry. The whole discussion would give her so many opportunities to say no, and to ensure not to offend her, id probably drop the subject at her first sign of resistance. With a MW or a girl with a BF, i havent got much to lose, so during some mad sex i might just do it without even asking (i am pretty experienced so i know how to make sure it doesnt hurt), which for the MW or girl with BF turns her on even more because im just taking what i want. In retrospect, ive given girls anal orgasms; but none were my GF at the time, usually they were married or had a BF. Maybe it was just the double taboo of it all.

 

So many guys think all women want the white picket fence, i used to be like that. Its a fallacy hoisted upon us by our mothers and Disney. Girls like it dirty just like we do, this only varies in how open they are about it. I think the best salve for a relationship going sideways is to just treat your partner like a porn star, get as dirty as you can. Chances are they are craving it, and an OM/OW will provide it if you dont eventually whether you break up or not.

 

Theres only one girl i know who i think would be sexually compatible enough for me to marry, and beleive me the conversations we have would make a porn star blush.

[Gloria25]

You need some sex education. A woman's vagina does not get loose by having sex with a well endowed man. The fact that she felt very tight does not in any way indicate that her bf has a pencil dick. It does not take 10 minutes to get inside of a woman when she is relaxed and turned on, so your problem with getting inside of her indicates that either she wasn't sexually aroused or that she wasn't relaxed. Maybe she has some issues that just makes sex uncomfortable for her in general or maybe you just weren't doing it for her.

 

I agree in part...

 

Why?

 

Cuz, when I go on my droughts, I notice the tightness of Lady J changes. When I start having sex again, trust me...I feel it.

 

I mean, even during my droughts, I do not insert my glass toy all the way in all the time, so Lady J doesn't get "stretched" if you will. So, when I start having actually intercourse, she has to adjust.

 

Also, I'm sure we also heard of Kegel exercises. They say you can "tighten" down there with Kegels.

[Gloria25]

Coming at from a guys perspective...

 

When im with a girl who is married or has a partner, its almost like they are silently begging for me to sweep them away. Ive been in a lot of relationships too, and i could imagine the dynamic that sends them to me. Lifes a bitch then you marry one, and it keeps getting in the way.

 

With my last *real* ex, the sex was miserable until we broke up - after that it was phenomenal. I assume its the same way for the MW with me, just im not the guy.

 

This one girl ive been seeing of and on for a year with a serious BF, she comes over and it goes from hi how are you to mad sex in usually about 10 minutes, she reciprocates every advance so things move really quickly. Shes not the initiating type, a conservative catholic, and so is the BF. Id imagine their sex is probably like with my ex fiancee, this slow repetitive dance each and every time, when it even happens. So when shes ready to come see me, she just wants to get treated like a whore. Im sure her BF would be shocked that she would ever do what she does with me.

 

I think it was Gloria25 who mentioned not wanting the white picket fence and how that might impact things. Im sure it does. If were looking to marry someone we want to show our sweet, good side. Maybe we keep it cleaner and so the sex and relationship doesnt hit that primal like a porn show factor; which is something we all kinda crave a bit of.

 

For example id be really careful about initiating anal sex with a woman i want to marry. The whole discussion would give her so many opportunities to say no, and to ensure not to offend her, id probably drop the subject at her first sign of resistance. With a MW or a girl with a BF, i havent got much to lose, so during some mad sex i might just do it without even asking (i am pretty experienced so i know how to make sure it doesnt hurt), which for the MW or girl with BF turns her on even more because im just taking what i want. In retrospect, ive given girls anal orgasms; but none were my GF at the time, usually they were married or had a BF. Maybe it was just the double taboo of it all.

 

So many guys think all women want the white picket fence, i used to be like that. Its a fallacy hoisted upon us by our mothers and Disney. Girls like it dirty just like we do, this only varies in how open they are about it. I think the best salve for a relationship going sideways is to just treat your partner like a porn star, get as dirty as you can. Chances are they are craving it, and an OM/OW will provide it if you dont eventually whether you break up or not.

 

Theres only one girl i know who i think would be sexually compatible enough for me to marry, and beleive me the conversations we have would make a porn star blush.

 

Well, I'm an anomaly cuz while I am a prude in the streets I'm a ho' in the bedroom. So, not sure how many women out there are like mua....

 

If I were ever to get married, I'd have to know he's down for some hot sex. I'm not sacrificing my sexual satisfaction with someone I'd spend my life with.

 

Is it really that hard? I mean, I dress conservatively. I know how to act in formal settings. I pay my bills and am responsible. How come someone that is boring and responsible not also be capable of hot, passionate sex with their SO?

[preraph]

Oh, join the club...

 

I, sometimes was thinking of calling myself some kind lucky charm of think like the movie with Dane Cook, where each girl he sleeps with ends up married. So, he met a girl he really wanted and didn't want to sleep with her cuz he was afraid she'd leave him. I think it was called like 'Good Luck Chuck' or something.

 

I'm not tooting my own horn on my sex skills, but yes, on more than one occasion the guy - married or not - ended up leaving their wife/gf. I don't know if they had one foot out of the door already and sleeping with me is what gave them the "out" they were wishing for. Sad thing is they don't end up coming back to me My gf thinks that its cuz they think that if I'm capable of sleeping with an involved guy, that I'm a cheater.

 

Whatever...I FWB and can do a married guy not cuz I'm a homewrecker or a cheat, I do it cuz of my lack of desire for kids and/or the "whole white picket fence", and my independence seems to leave me with not many options. Relationships have to go "somewhere" (i.e. marriage and/or kids) or people really don't feel they have the glue to stick around. Also, men like to be needed...it's in their biology. I have my own stuff and do my own thing, so they feel useless and being "useful" in the bedroom isn't enough for them I guess.

 

 

I do think if they are thinkers at all, which many of them are not, that they would perhaps downgrade you for sleeping with them while they are separated. But being separated is all about seeing if you want to get out there or stay where you're at and almost always ends in divorce, although it also almost always ends up with one reconciliation in between separation and divorce first.

 

The first guy was someone I would consider one of the loves of my life. But I didn't break up his marriage. I had barely met him. We were in parallel careers at competitors, so I first saw him where I worked but didn't get introduced and had a physical attraction to him immediately. Some months later at a convention, saw him again while walking around. He had some buttons laid out of my favorite band, so of course I had to comment on it. It was his favorite band too. So that was the first time we talked at all. Couple months after that, we both ended up at the same business party sitting in the same area, and recognized each other. That's when I found out he was married. He scowled at a guy who interrupted us talking, which surprised me (and still surprises me decades later, never having seen him do anything like that since).

 

A few months later, I ran into him at a bar gig and had him hold my shoes while I danced with another guy:eek:. By later that evening, it was becoming clear we had some real chemistry going and he was touching my hair so I said, "Where's your wife?" That's when he told me they were very recently living separately. And everything started that night.

 

Their separation had nothing to do with me and I think had more to do with her wanting it. She never seemed mad at me or anything. And the reason we broke up probably was mostly to do with him wanting kids than anything. I wasn't very domestic. Would have been hard for a guy to see me as wife material. For me to be a wife, they would have to not want a conventional arrangement, and he did, for the most part. He said as little as possible about it trying not to hurt me. We remain friends decades later. Him liking me was probably about passion more than sex skills. We both were passionate.

 

Each one of mine was different. One wife blamed me but shouldn't have because he didn't cheat on her, and she did cheat on him at the end, so.... I had had two guys, both friends of the husband's, come to me and tell me she had come on to them and inferred they slept with her. I didn't figure it was any of my beeswax at the time, but people always told me everything in that crowd. I didn't find out about the one that broke the camel's back until decades later and even though they didn't actually sleep together because he wouldn't, he was the best friend and felt horrible for even letting her get him alone. I had wondered why the band broke up. Took me that long to find out why.

 

Now, it may have been she went on this cheating spree with his friends because she felt her marriage was falling apart and that he was cheating, so I'll give her that. And he did have someone aggressively after him in another state that he'd told me about, plus being long-time friends with me and another girl. The out-of-state one sounded like a real pig with no shame whatsoever hitting ruthlessly on a married man and I said as much when he told me, but at the time I didn't realize how much he liked that attention. All through that, I was in love with the guy talked about above, and had no voluntary part in this guy's breakup and in fact discouraged him from breaking up with his wife -- but he ran to me when he did and then later the woman out of state.

 

The last one, I didn't know was married even though I knew him and his brother for 3 years and they were in my circle of friends. He kept the wife very quiet and she had a young child too. I classify him as separated only because everyone I know thought he lived with his brother and in fact we all visited them both there. But he wasn't officially separated. I felt horrible when I found out. I guess he thought someone would have told me, but I asked around later and I'm not sure anyone knew it. We'd been friends first and were friends after the short affair, and I bailed before his divorce was final (he did decide to divorce once he decided he wanted to have an affair with me, claimed it was because of me, but I had a hard time believing it because I always felt he had seen other women. One of my friends flirted with him, I know, and I kind of assumed they'd slept together, but he says no.)

 

He continued to check up on my wellbeing for a year afterward or so, and I'd drop by his business to say hi once in awhile. When he found another girlfriend, he wanted to tell me about it. It was actually nice. I couldn't dislike him for it. But yes, he kept that wife a big secret and couldn't have been home much helping with the child. MEN.

 

Part of why that didn't last longer, too, was he was jealous of my old complicated relationship with a guy who he'd recently hired as his guitarist at that time on my recommendation, who he already knew from us all being in the same circle. I went home for holidays by jet that year and left my apartment and car with the guitarist and upon return, "secretly married boy" wanted to know why guitarist was driving my car. Oh, boy, would THAT have been a long story and he wouldn't have believed it anyway. The complicated guitarist didn't know I had an affair with the separated married guy until I told him 30 years later, though how he missed it is beyond me. If I'd hit him with a cattle prod, he wouldn't have looked more stunned. My life was so complicated back then, and it's the only thing that kept me from being morose 24/7 from heartbreak from the first separated guy, so I remain grateful for so many distractions.

 

I can't recommend dating separated guys and certainly not married guys, but honestly, it had as much substance and maybe more than some of my other relationships with unburdened guys. And if it didn't last, it was as much me as them. I take ownership. If I'd really been the marrying type, I'd be married. I did what I wanted most to do and have no regrets that it didn't lead to a more conventional lifestyle.

[Gloria25]

I do think if they are thinkers at all, which many of them are not, that they would perhaps downgrade you for sleeping with them while they are separated. But being separated is all about seeing if you want to get out there or stay where you're at and almost always ends in divorce, although it also almost always ends up with one reconciliation in between separation and divorce first.

 

Agreed to a point ^^. That's why IMO, dating people who are separated and/or recently divorced can get complicated. They go through so much mentally, financially, etc at different stages...and, once the ink dries on the divorce papers, they still are going through stuff and need a while to figure out stuff.

 

My FWB, when the divorce was official, didn't want to be tied down to anyone. He even moved to another state and started a new career, etc. So, don't think it had to do with him thinking I'm a serial cheater and/or wanting "me". It hurt me so much that I blocked him from contacting me and/or viewing me on social media.

 

Another guy, I didn't find out that he divorced until after I moved away. So, not sure if he was even interested in pursuing anything with me cuz I was gone.

[eye of the storm]

In the beginning it didn't bother me. We were (to us) in an open relationship. He dated other women and I would occasionally date other men. So him sleeping with his W had no reason to bother me.

 

But we both slowly stopped dating others and became (to us) exclusive a while ago. Since then, I have had issues with him visiting his W. I know they are mine to deal with. But I don't enjoy knowing he is with her.

[preraph]

Agreed to a point ^^. That's why IMO, dating people who are separated and/or recently divorced can get complicated. They go through so much mentally, financially, etc at different stages...and, once the ink dries on the divorce papers, they still are going through stuff and need a while to figure out stuff.

 

My FWB, when the divorce was official, didn't want to be tied down to anyone. He even moved to another state and started a new career, etc. So, don't think it had to do with him thinking I'm a serial cheater and/or wanting "me". It hurt me so much that I blocked him from contacting me and/or viewing me on social media.

 

Another guy, I didn't find out that he divorced until after I moved away. So, not sure if he was even interested in pursuing anything with me cuz I was gone.

 

 

One other thing you have to factor in is what other guys will tell their newly divorced male friend. And that is not to tie themselves down again. The first one I talked about, things were going very well until he went out of state to visit one of his oldest friends, and it should be said, his most conventional boring friend. Having lost his father in his teens, my bf had used this old friend as sort of a friend/mentor. He was a bit older and he was very conventional. Anyway, the bf put a lot of weight in what he said. And this guy didn't like the sound of me because I was very unconventional, wasn't having kids, etc. So it was going great when he left to go see him and a complete sea change when he returned, all these doubts, and he pulled back and started seeing a couple other girls too and then my best friend/roommate slept with him during this time when we hadn't seen each other for a couple of weeks and messed everything up forever.

 

The bf eventually remarried a girl who was a walking disaster, but she looked good on paper because she had gone to culinary school and was a good cook. I have a feeling his conventional friend is probably who told him to close that deal. Anyone but him could see she was a manipulating histrionic person. She cheated with a guy who was a friend of mine, and the ex confessed (after I reported a weird random guy selling coupons coming to my door who just happened to know her) that she had hired an investigator. I was working with him at the time (for years) and got drug into that mess and got my emotions with him and his with me all stirred up again. It was just hard.

 

I had been there the day "the ink dried," as you say, on his first divorce, sharing an office with him. His first wife (the one I liked) came in to give him some insurance papers. They were still friends and they stood looking out the window together, then she left, and you could tell he was kind of sad and lost and he said, "I don't even know who to put as my beneficiary. You?" It was just very sad. I probably should have said yes. But it was about then he went after that second wife, the nutjob and cheater who could cook.

 

I don't really believe that all guys write off the person they dated while separated. I think it's less about morals for them and more about having their freedom and wanting to see what all is out there.

 

My old bf, who I never slept with again after he slept with my roommate, but worked with for years, married a third time and had kids and is still married. I like her. She invited me to his 50th bd. He stays in touch. In fact, I need to write him an email now his busy season is over and say hi as I haven't heard from him since the Christmas card.

Edited January 12, 2015 by preraph

[Got it]

We were both married when our affair started. We had sex with our partners once in the beginning and then stopped. We were both in marriages that didn't involve much sex so that wasn't an anomaly.

 

It wasn't something I was terribly worried about. He said they didn't, I felt there was still a good chance that they would, but I didn't deep dive it. I knew what sex was like with my (ex) husband and him and can see the major differences.

 

I do know that they weren't having sex based on things she had said/written including thinking he was gay.

 

If they were having sex a lot that would have been weird and at odds with what he had said. While not uncommon, and can't speak to other situations, but neither he nor I were having sex with our spouses. There wasn't any interest.