Southerncross Posted January 10, 2015 Share Posted January 10, 2015 I met my first love at 18. She was engaged to someone else at the time. We worked together and saw each other secretly for number of months before she ultimately decided to stay with the person she was engaged to, and she married him. It was messy and it broke my heart. I moved several states away and moved on with my life and eventually got married. We both have been divorced and remarried but have basically stayed in contact for 30 years since, with some minor gaps. Usually if too much time passes, she contacts me. Today we live about 3 hours apart, are close and in regular contact. We both admit we have had an EA with each other within the last few years, with some physicality, but not a full blown sexual affair. We've met for cocktails three times in the last 6 weeks. We try to stay close without breaking up each other's marriage. However, she floats in and out of my life and it bothers me. She has had a couple EA's in her life. I don't want to leave my wife for her, and she would not leave her husband for me. Yet we try to find a place for each other. Have any of you had to deal with something similar and how have you handled it over such a long period of time? I feel like I'm being driven crazy and totally waisting my time on such a person. But I can't get past the fact that I care for her, and always have. Link to post Share on other sites
Darren Steez Posted January 10, 2015 Share Posted January 10, 2015 If she really was the one for you and you the one for her then surely... you would have married each other? No? The fact she's had other EA's, actively cheats on every husband she's had (same goes for you too with your wives), means whatever is missing from her/your life isn't getting filled by these affairs. 30 years is this is more a habit than anything else. How do you lose someone who's been there for that long? That's up to you to decide. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
jellybean89 Posted January 10, 2015 Share Posted January 10, 2015 Seriously, you like being Plan B? Does your wife deserve this? Do you think she would be happy to know you are meeting up with this lady and playing with fire? Link to post Share on other sites
curiousGeorge2 Posted January 10, 2015 Share Posted January 10, 2015 OP, you do realize many people who frequent here are betrayed spouse (BS)? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Southerncross Posted January 10, 2015 Author Share Posted January 10, 2015 As odd as this may sound I really don't mind being Plan B. As I mentioned, I'm not looking for her to leave her husband and I'm not looking to leave my wife. I'm not even looking for this to turn sexual, although it has come close (but not recentlly). I'm trying to find the right box for all of this to fit it, and there may not be one. You are right about what's fair to my wife (and her husband for that matter). We both get that, and we both struggle with it. We have gone periods of time apart due to this. Actually what bothers me the most is the fact she's had one or two other EA's in addition to me. Your next logical question may be "what did you expect", and my logical side gets that too. I want the deep friendship of someone who knows we both missed an opportunity and still find other ways to stay connected. Perhaps I'm simply looking to store gas and matches together, and for an inherently complex situation to be simpler than it can ever be. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Southerncross Posted January 10, 2015 Author Share Posted January 10, 2015 OP, you do realize many people who frequent here are betrayed spouse (BS)? Ok, and those folks may or may not choose to comment. Am I only supposed to post what supports those folks? This is in fact a difficult situation for me. What am I missing, curious George? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
lynn1954 Posted January 11, 2015 Share Posted January 11, 2015 SouthernCross: I think CuriousGeorge is pointing out that in addition to receiving helpful answers from people who have been in your situation or understand your situation or have sympathy for your situation, you will also be getting answers from people who detest your situation and will offer opinions that criticize you. This always comes as a surprise to people who come to this forum for help and receive criticism instead. Just speak your truth, let everyone else speak their truth, and then pay attention to only the answers that help you the most. Usually best not to argue with the dissenting opinions, but that's your choice. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted January 11, 2015 Share Posted January 11, 2015 I met my first love at 18. She was engaged to someone else at the time. We worked together and saw each other secretly for number of months before she ultimately decided to stay with the person she was engaged to, and she married him. It was messy and it broke my heart. I moved several states away and moved on with my life and eventually got married. We both have been divorced and remarried but have basically stayed in contact for 30 years since, with some minor gaps. Usually if too much time passes, she contacts me. Today we live about 3 hours apart, are close and in regular contact. We both admit we have had an EA with each other within the last few years, with some physicality, but not a full blown sexual affair. We've met for cocktails three times in the last 6 weeks. We try to stay close without breaking up each other's marriage. However, she floats in and out of my life and it bothers me. She has had a couple EA's in her life. I don't want to leave my wife for her, and she would not leave her husband for me. Yet we try to find a place for each other. Have any of you had to deal with something similar and how have you handled it over such a long period of time? I feel like I'm being driven crazy and totally waisting my time on such a person. But I can't get past the fact that I care for her, and always have. I'm sorry but how exactly are you wasting your time with her when you are doing and thinking the same way? Is your complaint that she doesn't make enough time for you? I'm confused. Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted January 11, 2015 Share Posted January 11, 2015 SouthernCross: I think CuriousGeorge is pointing out that in addition to receiving helpful answers from people who have been in your situation or understand your situation or have sympathy for your situation, you will also be getting answers from people who detest your situation and will offer opinions that criticize you. This always comes as a surprise to people who come to this forum for help and receive criticism instead. Just speak your truth, let everyone else speak their truth, and then pay attention to only the answers that help you the most. Usually best not to argue with the dissenting opinions, but that's your choice. This. Yes. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Rainbowlove Posted January 12, 2015 Share Posted January 12, 2015 (edited) It's not real. It's all made up in your mind. You are driving yourself crazy by staying in the fog all these years, man. More importantly, what's wrong with your current marriage that you allow this woman to come between you and your spouse? Personally, I see it as a fantasy and distraction. You haven't had a relationship with this woman. You haven't paid bills, organized a house, taken care sick kids together, built a life and so on... So... What do you have with her? Mental love? 30 years of mental love. Focus on what's real in your life; the trouble with your marriage. Edited January 12, 2015 by Rainbowlove 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Southerncross Posted January 12, 2015 Author Share Posted January 12, 2015 I'm sorry but how exactly are you wasting your time with her when you are doing and thinking the same way? Is your complaint that she doesn't make enough time for you? I'm confused. I understand your point. For me the issue is one of consistency from her.. I'm not asking for more emotionally, nor can I give more to her. She isn't asking for that either. We have walked this walk for a long time. It's the other EA's she's had and been honest to me about that make me question my sanity to stay close to her. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Southerncross Posted January 12, 2015 Author Share Posted January 12, 2015 (edited) SouthernCross: I think CuriousGeorge is pointing out that in addition to receiving helpful answers from people who have been in your situation or understand your situation or have sympathy for your situation, you will also be getting answers from people who detest your situation and will offer opinions that criticize you. This always comes as a surprise to people who come to this forum for help and receive criticism instead. Just speak your truth, let everyone else speak their truth, and then pay attention to only the answers that help you the most. Usually best not to argue with the dissenting opinions, but that's your choice. I see that, and thank you for the heads up. I do think it is every bit as telling for someone to come to this particular board for the sole purpose to pass judgement and vent their spleen over their own life as opposed to offering a voice of reason to those seeking one. It seems on this board in particular its almost fashionable. Edited January 12, 2015 by Southerncross 2 Link to post Share on other sites
privategal Posted January 12, 2015 Share Posted January 12, 2015 Everyone has a past. She was honest. Focus on what you have. Why put it in a box? Doesn't need a title, its a friendship. 30 years. Keep sex out though is my vote. Too much meeting up, make that less frequent too maybe to control. Are you in love with her? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted January 12, 2015 Share Posted January 12, 2015 (edited) I understand your point. For me the issue is one of consistency from her.. I'm not asking for more emotionally, nor can I give more to her. She isn't asking for that either. We have walked this walk for a long time. It's the other EA's she's had and been honest to me about that make me question my sanity to stay close to her. Were the other EA's with single men or married men? I guess it doesn't really matter anyway. She very well sounds like a serial cheater. Most people are not though. Edited January 12, 2015 by Popsicle 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Southerncross Posted January 12, 2015 Author Share Posted January 12, 2015 Everyone has a past. She was honest. Focus on what you have. Why put it in a box? Doesn't need a title, its a friendship. 30 years. Keep sex out though is my vote. Too much meeting up, make that less frequent too maybe to control. Are you in love with her? Thanks privategal. Lots of food for thought there. In love? Not sure. As I mentioned, she was the first one I fell for so it has happened. For me, real love requires two to be together in person. Obviously there's something there and I won't deny that. I think the personal meetings will be less frequent though. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Southerncross Posted January 12, 2015 Author Share Posted January 12, 2015 Were the other EA's with single men or married men? I guess it doesn't really matter anyway. She very well sounds like a serial cheater. Most people are not though. Both, to answer your question. She may be. She is struggling with that issue it has been a concern to her. Link to post Share on other sites
whatatangledweb Posted January 12, 2015 Share Posted January 12, 2015 I"m not sure what you are really asking. If you want to be friends then cut out the EA part. You have to pick the box you want her in. She seems to need attention from multiple men going by all her EAs. Is it you want her to just have an EA with you? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Southerncross Posted January 12, 2015 Author Share Posted January 12, 2015 I"m not sure what you are really asking. If you want to be friends then cut out the EA part. You have to pick the box you want her in. She seems to need attention from multiple men going by all her EAs. Is it you want her to just have an EA with you? While we are still close and have gotten closer again lately, we are not currently having an EA with each other. We ended that 2 years ago as an attempt to do the right thing by our H/W. She also was caught by her H. I have since learned she may be back at it with someone new. I know where that will ultimately go...... nowhere. I still don't care for it as she is still important to me. Do I want the EA? No. Do I want her to have one? No. Most of this isnt my choice, i get that. Hence my dilemma. Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted January 13, 2015 Share Posted January 13, 2015 While we are still close and have gotten closer again lately, we are not currently having an EA with each other. We ended that 2 years ago as an attempt to do the right thing by our H/W. She also was caught by her H. I have since learned she may be back at it with someone new. I know where that will ultimately go...... nowhere. I still don't care for it as she is still important to me. Do I want the EA? No. Do I want her to have one? No. Most of this isnt my choice, i get that. Hence my dilemma. so you're just a concerned friend? Well, I have a few friends in A's (and some BS friends too). You pretty much just have to ignore all that drama, and carry on with the friendship. They will work it out. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Southerncross Posted January 13, 2015 Author Share Posted January 13, 2015 so you're just a concerned friend? Well, I have a few friends in A's (and some BS friends too). You pretty much just have to ignore all that drama, and carry on with the friendship. They will work it out. Thanks. A concerned friend? Yes. JUST a concerned friend? Thats my struggle. I know I want to do the right thing by both of us. Ultimately I believe she does too. I think you may be right about her being a serial cheater. She may finally be seeking help there too, time will soon tell. Meanwhile I try to stay close, but not too close, to someone quite important. Confused yet? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Minnie09 Posted January 14, 2015 Share Posted January 14, 2015 I think that she knows exactly what she's doing. Multiple affairs, serial cheater, attention-seeker. If she doesn't get any attention from other guys, she's trying to lure you back in, again and again. Because it works for her. You allow it. You like her attention. You think you're special to her. You fall for it. The problem is that you're holding a torch for this woman, which isn't fair to your W. How much does your W know about this? Does she think you're just friends? Or does she not know about this other person at all? You knew you did something "wrong", when you guys "broke it off" a few years ago to "do right by your spouses". But guess what: breaking off an EA and then pretending to be just "caring friends" for one another is not working, and you know it. You're in love, infatuated, with a phantasy woman, whom you don't know well enough to draw realistic conclusions. All you know about her is what she wants you to know about her. She's playing you like a fiddle. She knows the game. She's the better player, too. I bet she's not even thinking half as much about you as you think about her. I bet she doesn't give it any importance even. And you're her second / third / fourth choice, like your W is your second choice for you. You may not like to admit it, even to yourself, but as long as you pine for a distant lover (EA or PA doesn't really matter, since it's not real either way), your W will always be your plan B. That's not healthy for your marriage, and it will undermine your relationship with your wife, simply because you're not being truthful with her (AND yourself). 1 Link to post Share on other sites
LifesontheUp Posted January 16, 2015 Share Posted January 16, 2015 Are you jealous she is in affairs with other men? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Southerncross Posted January 16, 2015 Author Share Posted January 16, 2015 (edited) Are you jealous she is in affairs with other men? Yes the current one has bothered me. She has since said she stopped personal contact with him (there is professional contact) and has sought counseling. I realize a counselor will likely advise NC with me too if she is honest with him. I would respect that should it go there. Edited January 16, 2015 by Southerncross 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Rainbowlove Posted January 16, 2015 Share Posted January 16, 2015 Yes the current one has bothered me. She has since said she stopped personal contact with him (there is professional contact) and has sought counseling. I realize a counselor will likely advise NC with me too if she is honest with him. I would respect that if it needs to go there. Why can't you go NC with this woman? You've had an EA with her. It's difficult to go back to "just friends' after you've crossed an emotional line. You can't un-ring the bell once it's been rung, as you are finding out. You are hung up on her for a reason. What's missing in your current marriage? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Southerncross Posted January 16, 2015 Author Share Posted January 16, 2015 Why can't you go NC with this woman? You've had an EA with her. It's difficult to go back to "just friends' after you've crossed an emotional line. You can't un-ring the bell once it's been rung, as you are finding out. You are hung up on her for a reason. What's missing in your current marriage? Your "unringing the bell" comment is valid, even though that is the reason we never turned it into a full blown PA at the time. It didnt matter. And I can go NC. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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