Rainbowlove Posted January 16, 2015 Share Posted January 16, 2015 However, she floats in and out of my life and it bothers me. If you can go NC, do it. She won't be floating in and out of your life bothering you. You didn't answer, I can't imagine your marriage is all that satisfying if you are still holding a torch for this woman. No judgment, of course...but let's get honest. What's lacking? Link to post Share on other sites
Pinklotus Posted January 16, 2015 Share Posted January 16, 2015 This. I hope you are honest with your wife. I think that she knows exactly what she's doing. Multiple affairs, serial cheater, attention-seeker. If she doesn't get any attention from other guys, she's trying to lure you back in, again and again. Because it works for her. You allow it. You like her attention. You think you're special to her. You fall for it. The problem is that you're holding a torch for this woman, which isn't fair to your W. How much does your W know about this? Does she think you're just friends? Or does she not know about this other person at all? You knew you did something "wrong", when you guys "broke it off" a few years ago to "do right by your spouses". But guess what: breaking off an EA and then pretending to be just "caring friends" for one another is not working, and you know it. You're in love, infatuated, with a phantasy woman, whom you don't know well enough to draw realistic conclusions. All you know about her is what she wants you to know about her. She's playing you like a fiddle. She knows the game. She's the better player, too. I bet she's not even thinking half as much about you as you think about her. I bet she doesn't give it any importance even. And you're her second / third / fourth choice, like your W is your second choice for you. You may not like to admit it, even to yourself, but as long as you pine for a distant lover (EA or PA doesn't really matter, since it's not real either way), your W will always be your plan B. That's not healthy for your marriage, and it will undermine your relationship with your wife, simply because you're not being truthful with her (AND yourself). Link to post Share on other sites
Author Southerncross Posted January 16, 2015 Author Share Posted January 16, 2015 You didn't answer, I can't imagine your marriage is all that satisfying if you are still holding a torch for this woman. No judgment, of course...but let's get honest. What's lacking? I'm not sure I can completely answer your question. I will try. Are some things lacking? Sure. Did the OW cause them? No. Are those issues serious enough to cause a break? No. If this specific OW were not there would I be seeking something with somebody else? Definitely no. I have been married once before, and this OW (or any OW for that matter) played no part in that break up. That's as best as I can tell you. Link to post Share on other sites
Rainbowlove Posted January 16, 2015 Share Posted January 16, 2015 I'm not sure I can completely answer your question. I will try. Are some things lacking? Sure. Did the OW cause them? No. Are those issues serious enough to cause a break? No. If this specific OW were not there would I be seeking something with somebody else? Definitely no. I have been married once before, and this OW (or any OW for that matter) played no part in that break up. That's as best as I can tell you. With all due respect, if those issues are serious enough to have you enter an EA, perhaps they are serious enough to end it. We don't enter EA unless our primary attachment has gone sour, in my experience. And for those of us who have strayed emotionally or physically or both, by the time we turn away from our spouse, we are far far gone. And those issues will never be dealt with to change or correct, if we turn to others to fulfill those needs and not our spouses. I think it's possible you are maybe not willing to really look at what's truly lacking in your marriage or yourself for whatever reasons, but only you know the truth of it. It's hard to change or admit we need change in our lives or relationships. It's not the OW's fault you have issues in your marriage. No, it's not. It's her fault she relies on you to meet needs and its your fault you let her and vice versa. 30 years burning a torch for her. How special is she? Really? Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted January 18, 2015 Share Posted January 18, 2015 Yes the current one has bothered me. She has since said she stopped personal contact with him (there is professional contact) and has sought counseling. I realize a counselor will likely advise NC with me too if she is honest with him. I would respect that should it go there. It sounds like she is struggling. I know you have feelings for her but you can't let this be your problem. Let her figure her own self out. Link to post Share on other sites
trailrunner1975 Posted January 19, 2015 Share Posted January 19, 2015 Having been in your position for 14 yrs with the on off again dynamic, I had had enough. Very similar story to yours except it wound up with a 2 yr pa. Then she went hot/cold on me then went low contact. I finally went nc the whole way on her and it was the best decision I ever made. She still was trying to contact me for another year after nc started. Tried once more with my wife but realized it was done. Divorced recently. Met a woman and ddid it properly this time around- much better off than I was before:) 2 Link to post Share on other sites
trailrunner1975 Posted January 19, 2015 Share Posted January 19, 2015 In other words..........I wasted abunch of time on her and the A. Would have been better off to have just divorced and found a single woman....... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted January 19, 2015 Share Posted January 19, 2015 In other words..........I wasted abunch of time on her and the A. Would have been better off to have just divorced and found a single woman....... Yes of course it would have been better to D and get with a single woman. I am always astounded by how man MM are angry at the OW for not sticking around with him while he stays married. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Southerncross Posted January 20, 2015 Author Share Posted January 20, 2015 It sounds like she is struggling. I know you have feelings for her but you can't let this be your problem. Let her figure her own self out. I agree, and she is. Thank you. I will always wish her the best and have no bitterness. I will let her figure herself out. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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