I've wrecked a 7 year relationship.

[Regretful]

My boyfriend "A" and I were together for seven years. We broke up a few times here and there, but never for longer than a few weeks. About four months ago, I decided that I'd had enough of his lazy, unromantic, immature attitude and drug problems. He was never going to get his act together even though I'd given him a million opportunities, so I broke up with him and decided to move on. He was heartbroken and I found it very difficult too. I went on holiday with a few friends and met this great guy, "M". Well, I thought he was great at the time, so when he asked me to go stay with him in London, I jumped at the chance. "A" was extremely hurt by it all and wanted me to stay home and give him another chance. But I had to go. Things with "M" and London didn't work out, so after 8 weeks I came home. Since coming home I've found out my ex "A" has now completely turned his life around. He's got a great job, bought his own place, doesn't do drugs anymore, got away from his horrible friends and generally has a lot more respect. He also has a new "younger" girlfriend. He takes her out to dinner, buys her flowers, takes her away on weekends, and treats her exactly the way I wanted to be treated! I feel so resentful and hurt. I'm still in love with him, but I'm afraid the new younger model may have stolen his heart. I can't help but regret the decisions I've made. He told me yesterday that I really hurt him when I just up and left for London. Do you think there will ever be a chance for reconciliation? Or should I just forget about it all, let the past stay in the past, and move on? I know that if he still loves me he'll come back to me, but what if he doesn't cos he's too scared of rejection?

[Laurynn]

Hi there,

 

I'm so sorry that you're going through this pain and turmoil, I've definitely been there myself in the past :-(

 

Couple key things for you to keep in mind here.....

 

1. People don't 'change' in the short span of 8 weeks, particularly when they're a drug user...well, not unless they went into some kind of intensive rehab. Plus, people do drugs for a reason.....usually it's because they're trying to fill some kind of perceived void, or they do drugs to numb the pain from something in their past that eats at them. Nobody can truly kick a drug or alcohol habit unless the reallllllllly get to the root of the problem/what causes them to use in the first place. I really can't see your ex having 'seen the light' and truly cleaned up his act FOR GOOD in this short of time. I hope for his sake he has, but the odds are very much against him.

 

Soooo, while you're feeling understandably resentful and hurt that while YOU were with him, he was using and not the greatest guy and NOW he's suddenly cleaned up his act and some other woman gets to reap the benefits...uh uh, don't be too quick to buy that. Chances are it finally hit him (like a freight train) when you left for London, that he needed to get his sh*t together......and that's fine, but chances are he's only changed 'on the surface'......mostly, to attract this other woman. It could all very likely be a 'show'.....know what I'm saying?

 

Secondly.....considering the length of time you two were together, I'd say his new relationship is nothing short of a rebound relationship........and those very very very rarely ever progress to something meaningful and lasting.

 

Yes, I'm sure you did hurt his feelings by breaking up with him, meeting someone else, leaving the country for a while......but you know (and hopefully he knows) that none of that would have happened if he'd been a good partner in the relationship.

 

Don't be too quick to be heartbroken that he's changed and is with someone else. Every relationship is always super peachy in the beginning, everyone's always on their best behavior (read: him)........wait a bit, then I'm sure you'll see/find out whether or not his changes was for real. My money's on NOT.

 

As trite as this phrase goes, it's really helped me to 'learn to let go' a lot over the years: "if it's meant to be , it will be..if not, there's something/someone better for you"...........When I'm stressing or stewing over a guy, or even other things in life, I try to remind myself this and it gives me a little bit of peace, and the realization that I can't be in control of everything (much as I want to be)......that I have to just take a deep breath and know that what's best for me will take it's course.

 

Hope this helps some...

 

Laurynn

[Tony T]

Be happy for this guy. The trauma of your leaving seems to have brought on very major changes in his life that would not have come had you not given him the boot. This is just the way it was supposed to happen. You should move on with your life and NOT look back.

 

You did not like the person he was. Now, you are only seeing bits and pieces of his life now...you will never know exactly what it's all about and you shouldn't care. You were not sufficient for him to make changes in his life...it took the hurt of you leaving him to do that. You don't need a guy you have to leave in order to get him to turn his life around anyway.

 

Never regret decisions you make. Life has a great way of working out just right. That means there's a wonderful man in the horizon for you and you need to find him. Forget this ex and be happy you helped him get straightened out.

 

The lesson here...don't get involved with guys you have to fix. Find a man who is healthy emotionally, financially, intellectually. Find someone you are proud to be with. You can do it. And for Gawd's sake, don't stay in a crappy relationship for years and years.

 

Just give no more thought to this ex. Why you would even look him up when you got back is very puzzling. Why you were with someone like that SEVEN years is puzzling as well. I think you learned as much of a lesson as he did. Consider your leaving him a public service to the world.

[Regretful]

Hi Tony,

 

Thank you so much for your advice. I truly understand the point you are trying to make and I resent the fact that I feel inclined to add a "but...". There's always a "but..." to every story isn't there!

 

However, I just want to see whether these words will sway your opinion at all.

 

Firstly, I DID like the person he was. We got along so very well right from the beginning. Even after 7 years, we were still able to have lengthy conversations and joke around about the same things. Basically, we enjoyed each others' company.

 

Secondly, it is extremely hard to not bump into him now that I'm home. Many of our friends are mutual (but not all, for obvious reasons). We live in a fairly small town and there aren't too many places to hang out. When I actually have to witness him and his new g/f being chummy it's gonna kill me!

 

In retrospect, that second point doesn't really make too much difference. If I need to avoid him, I'll do it.

 

So basically, the only thing hounding my thoughts now is the fact that I really DO miss his company. I missed it even when I was seeing the other guy in London. He has a certain way of making me laugh and making me feel completely comfortable. That's the reason I made contact when I got home.

 

I AM happy for him. I would just love to be happy WITH him!

[Regretful]

Your words definately struck a chord or two. Thank you, its so good to hear the advice of someone who's been there before.

 

I know I should not in any way justify his actions, however I feel urged to expand on what I described as his "drug problem". It wasn't so a much a problem as a pastime. I know that sounds strange, but in all fairness, he wasn't doing drugs as in "hard" habit-building drugs. He and his friends would take ecstasy on the weekends and hit the clubs/pubs. I hated the fact he felt he couldn't have fun unless he was "on it". Now, however, he just stays away from that whole scene. Instead of hanging out with that certain crowd, he takes his girly out for a quiet drink or to the movies.

 

But perhaps you're right, he may find the temptation of his old friends and old ways too much to resist and the new girl may suffer the effects of a repeat episode. But I seriously doubt it, only because he admitted to hating the way he was living his life, but it was what he was used to and what all his friends did, so couldn't see a way out.

 

One of our mutual friends was in the same position. He was a dealer and user of ecstasy for about 4 years and always condemned it, saying he wanted out but didn't know how. He then found himself a nice girlfriend about a year ago, stopped using, and hasn't looked back since!

 

Basically, I get the feeling he's now being the person he's always aspired to be. In other words, he's grown up. I know it takes longer than a few months, but he's on the way. Like I said in my response to Tony, I really want him to be happy, but I also want to be happy WITH him!

[Rachel]

Hi. I think when someone breaks up with us, or vice versa there is a definite timeline and process to the healing.

 

I've been there. Most of the regulars on this board have seen my ups and downs.

 

I think you will benefit from reading the posts I wrote and the state of mind I was in.

 

I went through many many different stages.

 

People on here gave me really really good sound advice.

 

I also think what Sparkle told me was the truth. I miss him 75 percent because I was used to him and 25 percent because I love him.

 

Anyway..... let me know if I can help.

 

Rachel

[Tony T]

I stick by my earlier reply. You just need to be strong. In life, we have to make decisions and stick by them. You can screw your mind up all day long wondering if you did the right thing...but the better thing is to move forward.

 

Sure, you'd like to be happy with this guy but you broke up with him because he was worthless in a lot of ways. It's very likely he would revert back to that identical behavior if the two of you got back together. It's likely that he will revert to his real self when he gets used to the lady he's seeing now.

 

You are not served well in any way by dwelling on this. You need to do whatever is necessary to move on. You don't understand this now but you will. It is never a good idea to look back on situations in life, especially if you did your best to make them right before you decided to move on.

[Victor]

Comment on your Drug analysis...

 

It IS possible to kick a drug habit in 8 weeks time, especially if he was using it realitively little, such as 1-2 times a week. It also depends on what kind of drug it is. I know from experience that you can lose a drug habit b/c of someone else, if there is STRONG motivitation, such as in this case, his GF of 7 years leaving him.

[Victor]

I know I should not in any way justify his

actions, however I feel urged to expand on what I described as his "drug problem". It wasn't so a much a problem as a pastime. I know that sounds strange, but in all fairness, he wasn't doing drugs as in "hard" habit-building drugs. He and his friends would take ecstasy on the weekends and hit the clubs/pubs. I hated the fact he felt he couldn't have fun unless he was "on it". Now, however, he just stays away from that whole scene. Instead of hanging out with that certain crowd, he takes his girly out for a quiet drink or to the movies.

I posted down there, but it was before I read this, but now that I did, his drug "problem" is definetely a habit building one! But it's quitable, and in all likelyhood, he did, because he doesn't hang out in that scene anymore. I am sure if he ever does go back to a club and start dancing, he'll be reminded of doing ecstasy, and he'll probably want to do it again, so keep him outta there! And away from his friends who do E. Be safe, good luck!

[Regretful]

Thanks Victor! But it isn't up to me anymore to keep him away from temptation, that's what sucks!