i paid back my parents when I should not have

[makeithappen]

Hello,

 

so it only recently came across my mind that I paid back 3000 pounds to my parents

 

short story: the government asked them to pay back money they kept claiming on my behalf a few years ago, from the government although I was no longer entitled to any benefit. I think they had failed to notify of my changed circumstances].

 

Anyways,

I was SO naive! I thought it was my fault and thus, when my scholarship came in, I gave them the 3000 pounds they had to pay back!!!!

But now that I am estranged from them and can think rationally, I remember that during that time, they did not provide for me financially [i had a student loan and maintenance from the government,and when I took a year out, I took a job]. Not only did I never see that money, but when I said I would pay them back because I did not want to be a financial burden, they NEVER thought of saying : 'wait, it's our fault that we did not notify the government of the changes in your situation, you don't have to pay us.'

 

I am contrasting this greedy attitude with what they did to me: they forced me to live at home although I was paying rent elsewhere! They clearly said to me, when I complained about my money being wasted that they did not care!

 

 

Also, I paid 2000 pounds extra to my mum because she was going through difficulties, and we are raised in my culture to provide financially to our parents. She did say she will pay me back, but I said it was fine, so she left it at it.

 

 

I am so mad at them for this lack of compassion: seeing my money wasted on an accommodation I was not allowed to live in, while yet being content that I paid for money they had a duty to pay back [i really think they hid on purpose, because they still wanted to receive my allowance].

 

Now that I am removed from their toxicity, I can think clearly. I am now even more mad at their selfishness. I am SO mad. They are my parents.

 

 

Maybe I am making a big deal out of this. I don't know.

I won't ask for the money back, but I will remind them of their behaviour if one day we speak and they make a comment on my sins and lack of faith in God.

 

Rant over!

 

 

 

*note: I was never aware of that letter about the changed circumstances, and it was not sent to me, but to my parents and I never open their post.

[Timshel]

You are pissed and rightfully so. I would chalk this up as a learning/growth experience.

 

You are an adult now and the dynamic with your parents has changed. Now you will set boundaries with your parents while maintaining a loving relationship.

 

This is the cusp really of the change between child/parent. Know them now as human beings who brought you into this world. See their flaws, it's ok. Accept who they are and change the way you interact with them accordingly.

 

I would advise not allowing your disappointment/epiphany to treat them with disrespect, rather a shift in your dynamic. Every relationship with love will involve change, so embrace the change as it will give you confidence and your relationship with them will deepen as you see them as human and not only as Mom and Dad.

[angel.eyes]

Your parents spent way more than £3000 raising you into the person you are today. There is absolutely no way you can ever repay them for the countless sleepless nights they spent fussing over you when you were a crying baby, the food they fed you, the clothes they purchased for you, the time and money they spent/wasted/invested carting you around to whatever it was you did as a child, etc.

 

I'm not saying you can't be annoyed about this particular incident. Sure. I understand getting angry because you feel a little hoodwinked, especially if they didn't thank you for sending them the £3000.

 

But keep things in perspective. What you "owe" them far outweighs the 3000 you feel they owe you. Most parents are happy with a little love, gratitude, the occasional visit home...and a grandchild or two...as repayment of your debt to them.

[makeithappen]

Your parents spent way more than £3000 raising you into the person you are today. There is absolutely no way you can ever repay them for the countless sleepless nights they spent fussing over you when you were a crying baby, the food they fed you, the clothes they purchased for you, the time and money they spent/wasted/invested carting you around to whatever it was you did as a child, etc.

 

I'm not saying you can't be annoyed about this particular incident. Sure. I understand getting angry because you feel a little hoodwinked, especially if they didn't thank you for sending them the £3000.

 

But keep things in perspective. What you "owe" them far outweighs the 3000 you feel they owe you. Most parents are happy with a little love, gratitude, the occasional visit home...and a grandchild or two...as repayment of your debt to them.

 

 

Thank you for your response.

I am not angry at the amount of money I gave them, but the deception and double standards. I used to see them as great people, but now this image is gone, and I am just angry. Suddenly, I am seeing another face of my parents I hadn't known about and it's not pretty.

[makeithappen]

You are pissed and rightfully so. I would chalk this up as a learning/growth experience.

 

You are an adult now and the dynamic with your parents has changed. Now you will set boundaries with your parents while maintaining a loving relationship.

 

This is the cusp really of the change between child/parent. Know them now as human beings who brought you into this world. See their flaws, it's ok. Accept who they are and change the way you interact with them accordingly.

 

I would advise not allowing your disappointment/epiphany to treat them with disrespect, rather a shift in your dynamic. Every relationship with love will involve change, so embrace the change as it will give you confidence and your relationship with them will deepen as you see them as human and not only as Mom and Dad.

 

I no longer have a relationship with them, nor do I want it, but you are correct. As children we tend to see parents as flawless human beings, but I am so sad to have discovered a negative aspect of mine.

[Els]

I am contrasting this greedy attitude with what they did to me: they forced me to live at home although I was paying rent elsewhere! They clearly said to me, when I complained about my money being wasted that they did not care!

 

I am so mad at them for this lack of compassion: seeing my money wasted on an accommodation I was not allowed to live in, while yet being content that I paid for money they had a duty to pay back [i really think they hid on purpose, because they still wanted to receive my allowance].

 

If you are financially self-reliant how did they 'force' you to live at home and 'not allow' you to live in accommodation that you have paid for yourself?

[makeithappen]

If you are financially self-reliant how did they 'force' you to live at home and 'not allow' you to live in accommodation that you have paid for yourself?

 

 

I clarified in other posts that in our culture, it's not acceptable for women to live on their own [at least for many families, though the more liberal ones exist]. My family is very traditional, and they threatened to disown me if I ever took up the accommodation, and told me I would be dead to them. At the time, I was too scared of being disowned, so I stayed.

[Mal78]

Obviously it was wrong. However, there is not much you can do about it. I imagine they believe you did owe them that money regardless of their mistake/deception to the government.

 

You are estranged or have no contact for a reason and this is one of many. Sometimes we have to maintain these things to be healthier and happier although it hurts.

 

Children should never feel they owe their parents for the reason of their existence. If they brought children into the world it is their responsibility to provide what is needed to thrive. Anything less is abuse and neglect and many children are removed from their homes for this.

 

Perhaps reconciliation is in the future but don't allow it to be over Money. If they contact you because they need more (because eventually you will be established) than remain estranged.

[angel.eyes]

I clarified in other posts that in our culture, it's not acceptable for women to live on their own [at least for many families, though the more liberal ones exist]. My family is very traditional, and they threatened to disown me if I ever took up the accommodation, and told me I would be dead to them. At the time, I was too scared of being disowned, so I stayed.

 

Two things:

1. Parents are human...imperfect, flawed individuals with the same mix of positive and negative traits as everyone else. They differ in that most ultimately want what's best for their children. Execution on this may be less than perfect, but then again, they're human.
    
   
2. I'm sure that you're frustrated that you spent money on a place that went unoccupied. But that's a short-term loss. If you in fact live in a society where women living alone are viewed negatively (or were in the past), then they were focused on the longer term consequences of your choice.
   

 

You're self-sufficient and independent. But you're also at a stage where you're still relatively inexperienced and mistakes in judgement are common. It may feel controlling, but I suspect the motivation for some of their threats is to influence you to do what is best for you...in their eyes.

 

As far as the money? Yes, they were greedy. They thought they could fool the government, but were caught in their lie.

 

Are you their only child?

[makeithappen]

Two things:

1. Parents are human...imperfect, flawed individuals with the same mix of positive and negative traits as everyone else. They differ in that most ultimately want what's best for their children. Execution on this may be less than perfect, but then again, they're human.
    
   
2. I'm sure that you're frustrated that you spent money on a place that went unoccupied. But that's a short-term loss. If you in fact live in a society where women living alone are viewed negatively (or were in the past), then they were focused on the longer term consequences of your choice.
   

 

You're self-sufficient and independent. But you're also at a stage where you're still relatively inexperienced and mistakes in judgement are common. It may feel controlling, but I suspect the motivation for some of their threats is to influence you to do what is best for you...in their eyes.

 

As far as the money? Yes, they were greedy. They thought they could fool the government, but were caught in their lie.

 

Are you their only child?

 

 

No I don't. Nor do we have a big community here. So, their argument does not hold.

[Els]

I clarified in other posts that in our culture, it's not acceptable for women to live on their own [at least for many families, though the more liberal ones exist]. My family is very traditional, and they threatened to disown me if I ever took up the accommodation, and told me I would be dead to them. At the time, I was too scared of being disowned, so I stayed.

 

I understand this threat well, and agree that it is easier said than done to break free of those chains.

 

However, you have succeeded, yes? You live on your own now and they don't control you anymore? Consider this a good outcome, and the $3000 as part of the learning process. While I agree that what they did was wrong, you're wasting your time and life seething with hatred over $3000. Let it go. Enjoy the freedom that you have earned. Look to the future.

[SpiralOut]

You paid them back 3000 bucks but they are the ones paying the real price. They no longer have a relationship with you. I don't know what happened but I'm guessing you stopped talking to them because you didn't like how they were treating you. Their actions built up over time and bit them in the ass. That is the ultimate failure as a parent, for your own child to want nothing to do with you and cut you out.

 

 

Feel sorry for them.