Leaving

[ww]

WAKE UP.

Sorry if that sounds harsh

[whichwayisup]

How long do you want to sit and wait for him to decide if he's moving with you? That game is completely up to you. I am not saying this to be mean - But you must know deep down he is wrestling with this and more than likely not going to move out of his house...He isn't going to leave his children. He will use them as the final excuse everytime. Now you need to decide what you are going to do...Stay and put up with this forever? Or break it off, find somebody who will LOVE YOU and ONLY YOU!!

 

Talk to a therapist to help you cope - Cuz this is going to hurt alot. You're inlove with this man - Made him your life and now he is stringingly you along...That just isn't fair.

 

The ball is in your court now...

[newby]

i'm sorry marie'73 but i think you really are just relying on luck

this man is not reliable at all

he is not going to leave

it's just excuses

there will always be something, no time is ever perfect

and if you really trust that he is going to leave

why not nc til he does?

are you hanging around cos you actually dont trust?

[Marie1973]

Hello

 

For some reason deep down inside i have a gutt feeling that he is going to leave his wife. Call me stupid, its just a feeling i have. The love we have is soooooooooo strong & its something people search their whole lives for.

I feel that his love for me is strong enough to actually leave. I know the odds are against me, but i just feel it inside.

 

I guess i'll see how much i really honestly meant to him in a few weeks.

 

I am not seeing him until he does leave. I can't go & hang out with him at the apartment until he actually does leave. He did ask me to dinner friday, but that will probably be as far as it will go as to seeing him.

 

I just hope that i am one that beats the odds. If not, i'll go threw hell, but i will have to get on with my life.

 

Keep those fingers crossed ladies.

[BoatingBabe]

Marie, I do hope it works out for you, but the writing is on the wall...open your eyes.

I wouldn't even have that dinner with him...Tell him to come to you after he makes the break...and in the meantime...go on with your life.

[whichwayisup]

The love we have is soooooooooo strong & its something people search their whole lives for.

I feel that his love for me is strong enough to actually leave. I know the odds are against me, but i just feel it inside.

 

For your own sake I hope you're right. Being positive is one thing - But how long can you wait for him to leave and move in with you?

 

One thing, this may be the love you've waited for all your life, if it was his he'd be with you in a heartbeat... Nothing would get in his way. I'm sorry I don't mean to be rude or harsh Marie, but personally I think some awful heartache is coming your way...

[notrust]

A little story......

 

I was with my MM for 5 years. He was the love of my life and I left my H 2 1/2 years ago to make it easier to be with him.

 

We spent part of every day together and made 30 - 35 phone calls per day. I know he loved me. Never doubted it. Loved me more than his wife. We talked about everything and planned our future together.

 

4 weeks ago after spending hours on the phone discussing the situation, he was ready to make the move. He talked to me as he was driving home to tell his wife that he was leaving. He said he would call me as soon as it was over. He was sad, but was tired of living the lie.

 

Guess what? I did get a phone call. From his wife. She told me that he had told her everything and that she would forgive him and that he picked her. I haven't heard a word from him since. NOT ONE. In 5 years, we never went a day without talking and not one word in 4 weeks.

 

I have been so numb for the past few weeks that I can't even think straight.

 

So Marie, I don't know what to tell you. I never thought that he would just drop out of my life. I know he wasn't expecting his wife to be so forgiving, so maybe that took him by surprise and he couldn't do it. Maybe he lied to me all this time, or maybe even though he loved me more than his wife, when it came to leaving his kids, he just couldn't do it.

 

I don't know and I doubt if I will ever know. We live 5 blocks away from each other, but I have taken my cue from him and although it has been the hardest thing that I have ever lived through, I have not contacted him.

 

Betrayal comes when you least expect it. And I am starting to realize that even though it was the greatest love of my life, it wasn't my love to have. What goes around, comes around and I am deserving of everything I am getting right now.

 

Just wanted to warn you. He may love you more than anything, but he still might not be able to walk out on his family. And really, do we have a right to ask them to do that?

 

Good luck. I hope your story has a happier ending.

 

If it doesn't turn out like you expected, keep hanging out here. This is my first post, but these people have helped me more than they will ever know. I have read every word and get my strength from them. I think I have transferred my addiction to MM to this site. I get up in the middle of the night to read posts.

 

So thank you everybody! I will make it. I sincerely hope you do too, Marie.

[izzybelle]

notrust,

 

<<hugs>> hang in there and be good to yourself!

 

izzy

[whichwayisup]

Wow, I commend your strength and I'm glad to hear you are doing OK. I'm sure it has been a living hell for you but you seem very logical and understanding of the full situation.

 

I hope in time when you are ready you find some man who will adore JUST YOU.

 

Take Care.

[RecordProducer]

Marie, soon enough he will say that it will be in May. Then he will say he will leave after his daughter's birthday. Then he will say that his wife was diagnosed cancer. Then he will say...ummm...I am running out of ideas, but he won't be.

[Marie1973]

NoTrust-

 

Thanks for replying to my post.

I am so sorry to hear that little story of yours. NO ONE deserves

to be hurt like that. Its not your fault that that happened, so don't

blame yourself. He led you on for those 5 years, which was so wrong of him.

I guess when it actually came down to leaving he couldn't do it. I can't believe

his wife was so forgiving.

 

My heart ached for you when I read that story. I can't imagine that happening

to any human being. That is such a horrible story. But u know what, I think your XMM will love day regret ever losing you!! I could bet on it.

 

Obviously his marriage with his wife wasn't a good one if he was cheating on her for 5 years with you. Things might be good for a month or two, with his wife, but they always go back to the way they were & that is when he'll try to get in contact with you. WATCH!! I bet you.

 

I hope that you are coping with it all & that u will be ok. You deserve so much better than that MM. Hopefully one day u will find a SO that wants you & will love you & only you.

 

I just might be in your shoes coming the end of April, who knows. Maybe my MM won't be able to leave either when it comes down to the line. It will break my heart worse than any man has ever done before. I just can't let it go on any longer than it already has.

 

If he doesn't leave this time, I have to start getting on with my life. Its just not fair to me & I can't take living my life month by month, the heart ache is unbearable. I wouldn't wish that feeling on my worst enemy.

 

Well I will keep u all posted. Keep your fingers crossed.

Coming the end of April, it may be the happiest time of my life or the worst!!

I may need you guys!!! :-) I won't be able to get over this myself!

[notrust]

Thanks everyone for your kind words. Each day is a struggle, but I still manage to get through it. I am not sure how. The only thing that I have managed to do in the past month is go to work and come home. I haven't been brave enough to risk running into them.

 

At first I couldn't talk about it with anyone because it was too painful. There is also a huge amount of shame involved when you are the OW. I had no business being involved in that relationship. I always knew that at some level, but it was never enough to stop it.

 

Last night I went out with some friends for the first time since the "exposure". It was tough because everyone knows, but they gave me a chance to try to explain my side. Although no one approved of what I had done, they could at least see that I too am suffering. They also tried to convince me that it was a mistake, but it doesn't erase all the good things that I have done in my 42 years on this earth.

 

Then they started telling me the things that have been going on with my XMM and W. They keep making "public appearances" and act like everything is great. The W is telling everyone that their marriage is better than ever. They feel like they are on their honeymoon. They got rid of all physical evidence that I ever existed. Got rid of furniture that I had sat on, MM's truck that I had rode in and that they are going to make it known to the community that they are stronger than ever.

 

So when it comes right down to it, I have to face the cold hard facts. He lied to me for 5 years and he is not the person that I thought he was. I would have bet my life on his love for me. I would have lost.

 

My MM did attempt to leave a couple of times, but he always had a reason that he couldn't do it just then. He would stay away for a couple of days, but he always went back. Although I didn't see it at the time, I see it very clearly now. He had no intention of ever leaving, regardless of what he told me. Things become so painfully clear when the smoke clears.

 

He made me look like an idiot. All I did was love and trust him. Marie, that is the hardest part about all of this. You put your life on hold for him and you sit and wait because you believe him and then one day it is over, and all you have to show for all the pain and suffering and waiting is wasted years. Years you will never get back. Please promise yourself that if he doesn't leave this time, you will stop waiting. It isn't going to get easier if you hang on for another month or year. It just gets harder because you will one day realize that you are being robbed of precious time that is gone forever.

 

Being the OW is a nasty existence. That is the one thing that I feel better about now. I am no longer an OW.

I don't have to lie to anyone anymore. I feel like a weight has been lifted. It will take me a while to forgive myself for even being involved with a MM, but I am hopeful that one day I will. I am taking my life back.

 

Take your life back Marie! Good luck!

 

Notrust

[newby]

FORGIVE YOURSELF NO TRUST XX

[Marie1973]

Notrust -

 

I can't imagine going through what happened to you, but like i said i may be joining you come the end of April, who knows.

 

I'm glad that u finally went out with your friends. Your friends say that your XMM & his wife make it like their marriage is better than ever, of course they are going to make it look that way in public. He had an affair for 5 years, what do u think the wife wants people to think now.

 

They might just be wanting everyone to think that things are better than ever now, but you don't really know for sure. THat may just be a front that the wife is putting up. I wouldn't count on that. I bet things will be back to the way they were & he "one day" will try to call u again. It may not be today or next week or next month or next year, but he will call you again, mark my words.

 

Hang in there though. Things happen. I never thought that i'd fall in love with a married man either. Time heals all wounds!!!

U will be ok, in time! :-)

[Am I the OW?]

Sorry for all the hurt you been through. I can't imagine going through this for 5 years! I will not wait around that long for my mm to leave his wife. I just can't, there are too many other men out there that I can choose from if the marriage doesn't end soon. Why I don't find a single man now is because I honestly believe he will leave his wife soon, I just keep hanging on. I hope you can find a great single man soon.

 

Have you seen the mm and his W around town yourself or is that just what people tell you? He sold his truck? Boy, she must not want any part of you around.

 

I can't recall seeing how long ago it was that he left you? How long has it been since he went back with his W?

 

I hope your heart heals quickly! GL!

[jj003]

I have been following this topic, thank you guys for sharing your experiences, knowing what you are going through give me strength and courage, atleast, I know i am not alone...of course my situation is much simpler...I just don't know how I managed to get myself into this mess and how I can manage to get myself out of it....I am only at the beginning of this game and already I cannot get myself out of it....!! I met this mm a few months ago in one of the forums in the internet, since then we've been spending almost a few hours a day chatting(this of course exludes holidays while he needs to keep w company..)on days like that I miss him so much...this is totally crazy coz I have never met him or even spoke to him...how can I be so crazy over someone I have never met? and there are guys in real life that are nice to me, why can't I just direct my attention to them instead? maybe I think this mm has so much in common with me, he can understand me like no one does..(even we've never met) and the funny part is that I don't even ask to meet him, I just feel happy to chat with him, and at the same time, i am totally aware that I cannot depend on this virtual relationship so much....I also don't like something so onesided...it is like I always have to wait for him to come on line to chat with me, if I happen to miss him, I just feel bad all day...but at the same time, i understand that if he cares about me as much as I do him, he will be available more often....that is, if he misses me as much as I miss him.....oh boy...how do i get myself out of it??? how can i stop thinking of him and missing him??

I wish our thoughts and feelings are just like computer programs, we can just delete all....and start from zero....!

[sami]

That's almost everyone's problem. It takes lot pf work, strong will and determination.

[jj003]

thanks sami....i don't even know how i can begin to learn to detach myself from him...it is really strange, it's almost like I am a teenager all over again, I haven't miss anyone so much for a long time... hopefully talking to you guys will help to give me strength!

[StillHurtin]

Sorry to bring this up but your situation sounds so familiar to mine it is scarey, only thing is, I wasn't the OW, I was the W. And you even live in the same state I do. My H wasn't seeing the OW that many years, it was for a few months. He didn't tell me the truth about the A until my children and I moved away and then he broke it off w/ the OW to work on our marriage. She also divorced her H a week after my H filed for a D (a week after he filed he had second thoughts about the D). I also made H give back the watch she gave him, I donated the shirts she gave him, and I threw out all the soaps, lotions, ect, that she left in our bathroom. I even went as far to make him sell his truck b/c they had sex in it. We were going to sell it anyhow, but all we did was talk about it, but when the A took place there was no way we were going to keep it after that. I didn't get rid of any furniture, but I wanted to get rid of the new bed b/c they slept 2gether on it, but we decided to keep it. It use to bother me that we kept it but now it doesn't, it was just something materialistic. And as for the truck, I wanted to get rid of the piece of junk shortly after he bought it anyhow.

 

Anyhow, 5 years of waiting around for him to leave his W, that is a long time, and what he!! it must of been for you. I know you are in pain, and I know how much the W must of hurt too. Sometimes an A does strength a marriage. I don't know if the A has strengthed my marriage or if it's b/c we no longer live in the same town. I now have family near me and I love my new job. So, I feel I am a happy person, than I was b4 and being happier makes my marriage happier. My BF had several A's and when her H finally found out he kicked her out and filed for a D. She begged him to take her back and he did. Their M has never been so good. It is odd that an A would strength a marriage. I think sometimes the spouse takes advantage of what they do have and once they loose it, or think they will, it changes things. I almost want to thank the OW for having that A w/ H b/c if she wouldn't have I would still probably be working at a job I hated, and not being close to any family. But it still hurts when I think about the fact that he was w/ another woman and has sex w/ another woman during our marriage.

[RecordProducer]

It's so sad to hear you girls suffering like this because of MM. If there were a prize for stupid mistakes I would probably get the Nobel Prize for how much pain I created to myself with my "bare decisions."

But reading your posts made me remember a guy who was married and who I didn't want to seduce (although I initially thought I could use him for sex only), cuz I realized that I liked him too much (physically) and I could fall in love with him. So I ignored him.

My advice to all who read this thread - when you see a MM flirting with you, RUN, FOREST, RUN!!!!

[notrust]

stillhurtin

 

Thank you for your reply. It was wonderful to get insight into that end of the triangle. I have grown so much in the past 4 weeks that I amaze myself. It has been constant soul searching and praying, but I am finally having some coherent thoughts.

 

It is amazing what I put up with thinking I was happy. I never had a clue how much the affair was weighing me down. I had to lie to everyone in my life. The only person that I didn't lie to was MM.

 

I have taken the "public shower" approach and have confessed my part in the affair and have expressed my remorse to any and all people that I lied to. It is a real sadness and quilt. Some people think I am sorry just because I got caught, but they don't know what is in my heart. I am truly sorry that I have hurt so many people.

 

I am not a bad person, I am a person who made bad choices. Even though I still think he was my soul mate and I will never quite get over him, I totally understand that he was never mine and I had no right to him.

 

That is the main reason that I have not contacted MM. I am going to respect his wishes to make his M work. It is my sincere hope that after all the suffering that has taken place for all parties involved, that something good comes of it.

 

If I had one wish, it would have been that he could have explained to me that he had made the choice to stay in his M. Instead he told me up until the last morning that I talked to him that he was leaving. Although I KNOW that I was out of line and I have no rights in this situation, I still feel like I gave up 5 years of my life for him and I deserved an explanation.

 

I am finding out that I am stronger than I ever thought I was. I am finding out that I have friends who I didn't know I had and don't have the friends that I thought I had. My life has been turned upside down, and even though it is day by day, I am getting though.

 

The Number #1 lesson that I have learned, is to NEVER EVER get involved with someone who is not free to love you. It is just not worth the heartache.

 

I am glad that your M has turned out for the better. It is my hope that MM's does too, and that I will eventually find a better life for myself.

 

Thanks for posting your side.

 

Take care.

 

Notrust

[StillHurtin]

I think the samething when I read OW's threads how they waited years b4 finally realizing it just wasn't meant to be by breaking it off w/ the MM or the MM breaking it off w/ them. How many years and precious time they waisted on the MM, no man, married or not, is worth waisting time waiting for them.

 

I think what you are doing by NC the MM again is a very strong, yet hard thing to do, and you are doing the right thing. It just prooves how strong of a person you are. At least you are not calling him, IM'ing, or emailing him and using any excuse just to talk to him. Just prooves to the OW you are not obessessed w/ him and can live life w/o him.

 

The OW in H's life was always calling him, even after he broke it off w/ her. Since we were separated many miles apart I wasn't always around. But every time I did go down to see him she would call. He would ignore her calls. I always checked his cell phone bills (just to be on the safe side, b/c if he was still calling her, I would of proceeded w/ the D). One night she called and I answered and she asked me if it was me. Anyhow, when I told her it was me, she proceeded to ask me if H had heard about an accident one of their co-workers had. I handed the phone to H as I was so pi$$ed she was calling, I didn't think straight. I was so pi$$ed that she was calling and talking to me like nothing ever happened between them. Like she still wanted to try to be my friend (yes, b4 and during the A she tried being my friend, I wanted nothing to do w/ her b/c I knew she was after my H since the day he started working w/ her). Anyhow, I couldn't believe she didn't hang up the damn phone when I answered. Obiviously she was intimidated by me, and that is ok, but it was pretty stupid to call him and speak to me like nothing ever happened. After H got off the phone w/ her I called her back and told her to stop calling him, it was over between them. She proceeded to cry to me that this co-worker might pass away. I of course told her I hope she makes it and I feel badly for her but that was just an excuse to call, he could of heard it from someone else at work. She wished us luck w/ our marriage and she never called again. She was even dating another guy so I know she must of not really cared or loved H, or maybe it was her way of getting over him, by rebounding to someone else right away. Sorry to go on about the OW but when you know someone for 3 years who treats you like they want to be your best friend (she even came up and hugged me one day when I went to see H at work, b4 the A) and then as soon as she had the chance she jumped into bed w/ my H. If she was such a friend, she would of waited until the D was final to start dating him, she would of asked me if it would hurt me if she dated him. She could of backed off when H told her he was having second thoughts about the D. There was so many times I talked to her on the phone and she would act just like a friend would. Acted sorry for me that H wanted out the M, ect. She wanted to keep me close to her while she went after my H. Ya know the saying, keep your friends close and your enemies closer? Well, that is what she tried to do. She just used me to get closer to H.

Life does go on, it will get easier, you will get over this. It will take time, but you seem like you can do it. You sound like a good person who made a mistake. You fell in love w/ the wrong person.

Best Wishes to you Notrust and one of these days I hope you can find a single man and learn to trust again

[jj003]

To RecordProducer ,

 

thanks for your advice...but the problem is that if you don't like someone physically, but mentally....it is NOT as easy to run.... it is like that you almost think all the pain is worth it...my mm has been very honest with me, well, at least, I think he is honest, he kept telling me that "I don't want to do something that will please you now but hurt you later..." so I often think i have no one to blame but myself....! and my stupidity...!!I wish I could just be friends with him...!I could be just friends with other mm, why NOT him? boy, I must be kidding myself....!

[jj003]

To Notrust:

 

The Number #1 lesson that I have learned, is to NEVER EVER get involved with someone who is not free to love you. It is just not worth the heartache.

 

Thanks, I will remember this very well....!!!

[Marie1973]

hello all

 

well my MM is in Vegas this week for a business meeting. His daughter is now in Cancun

& comes back this sunday.

 

We have a play this sunday that he got tickets for back in January.

Sunday i am going to tell him that he has til May 1 to make the move & if he doesn't

do it, we are done.

 

I am sticking to it this time, as hard as it may be, i can't go on like this any longer.

 

Wish me luck, once again guys.

 

oh P.S. i'm not sure if u read my post in the friends section. To add to my fustration

I got into an arguement with my so called best friend at work because she lost her close parking spot

& she told everyone in the company about my affair with my man.

So now my whole company knows about this!! Don't trust anyone!!!