Leaving

[MistressD]

Marie....This Weekend, huh?

 

Notrust.... NC wow...they have some tough laws that could the OW in trouble dont they? How are you managing escaping all that? The only reason I know is that my MM is from NC. You MM first name wouldnt happen to start with D and from Charlotte would it? LOL..I am just checking. If so, we gotta talk. lol.

 

I dont at all you are a bad person. I know how these things happen and you never want to hurt anyone. It just happens. But, like I said NC is tough on that from what I have been told. Is everything on the legal front ok with you?

[notrust]

I think I am OK legally, because the W & MM in my case are acting like I never existed. They have a perfect marriage and she told her friends when she first found out that MM told her everything and that they never wanted to talk about it again. We had some mutual friends, but she has made it clear to all of them that if they associate with me at all, she won't have anything to do with them. She just erased me and MM must have done the same thing. I wish I could erase 5 years as easily.

 

I never thought I was a strong person, but I am surprising myself. I feel like a punching bag some days, but other days I know that I will be all right. I have no desire to date or anything like that yet, but I am doing things like exercising, thinking about going back to school, I quit smoking and stuff like that. Self improvement.

 

My last child graduates in 2 weeks. I have went from being a married women with 5 children to a Divorced woman who's last child goes to college in a couple of months. I don't really recognize my life anymore. I am hoping to build a better one for myself.

 

MistressD - Are you worried about legal issues? Have you been threatened or are you just anticipating what could happen?

[FolderWife]

 

Why are all of you wishing an other woman "good luck" in getting a man to leave his WIFE AND FAMILY for her?

[MistressD]

Hi notrust, I have not been threatened. I just found out through one posting here that NC still has those laws in place. I live in CO and we just dont have those laws so it never dawned on me that she could have legal recourse. I am worried as there is a 3 year statute of limitation. He has no contact whatsoever with me. We used talk on the phone several times a day plus email like7 times a day and im each other at the same time. He said he would never leave me (ha). The no contact had happened so abruptly that when I found out NC laws I just thought maybe he was trying to protect me to...wishful thinking that he had feelings for me and didnt want to see me hurt.

 

Monday...

 

It really is not just a matter of him leaving his wife and family. The issues are really more complicated than that.

[phillygirl63]

Monday, I don't get the feeling anyone is wishing these OW good luck as in "I hope you get the mm and he destroys his family". I know when I wish them good luck it means more like "I hope you are strong enough to give him up and realize you deserve more in life". I was the bs and I sure as hell didn't feel any great affection toward the ow (luckily, I didn't know her - she worked with my husband) but I also didn't hold her responsible for breaking my heart and putting a big rift in my marriage. That was my husband. He's the one that took the vows with me. He's the one that promised to love and honor me. I certainly don't condone sleeping with a mm but I also have lived long enough to realize that each and every one of us has had a moral lapse of judgment at one time or another. So, I for one, do wish these women well and I hope they all have learned from their mistakes and realize that no matter what pain they may be feeling, imagine how much more pain the wives who thought with all their being that they could trust their husbands more than anyone else on earth must be feeling when they find out the truth.

[HoldOn]

It really is not just a matter of him leaving his wife and family. The issues are really more complicated than that.

 

No it's really simple. Wife and family are more important than the girlfriend on the side.

[MistressD]

I have been both. The OW and W. I don't think anyone is wishing the family be destoryed. At least that is not my intent. But, I know as the wife and if I am very honest with myself in this matter I know there were problems in my marriage which caused the affair of my husband. I dont blame the OW she didnt commit to me or my family. She is probably looking for love and affirmation as we women do. Sometimes that happens with a MM. I used to say never ever with MM and judge those who did and now I know how that all can happend.

 

As an OW, I didnt set out to do it, it just happened. Will I do it again...NO..I hope not. I will make every effort to never do it again. But, my point is that marriages are usually already in trouble at least on the cheater's point of view no matter what they tell the W. The destruction of the marriage and family happens when the two that are married cant make it work. I know as the one who was cheated on how it is too easy to pardon ourselves from the fault because "they" cheated. Somehow the focus is off our behavior and on theirs. But, that the destruction of marriage involves only the H and W. They are the ones that made vows to make it work.

 

As for girlfriends on the side and wives and family being more important. I look at it this way. A person can still be a good father or mother without being married if they handle it right. As far as a W being more important than the OW well I have to say that both are human beings both are people with feelings. One is not more important than the other unless the cheating spouse decides that they are. The importance level is determined by the person to whom they are important to ie.to the cheating spouse. Families break up all the time and survive. Families stay together all the time and still end up in hurting. It really all depends on the situation.

[HoldOn]

Hey, I kinda understand what you're saying, but...

 

As an OW, I didnt set out to do it, it just happened

 

I'll never understand this excuse. Nothing just happens. cheaters make decisions (or choose to ignore their gut) at every little step of the way toward cheating.

 

A person can still be a good father or mother without being married if they handle it right.

 

Yes, a one-armed person could make a perfectly fine parent. However, wouldn't it be better to have two arms?

 

The importance level is determined by the person to whom they are important to ie.to the cheating spouse.

 

Explain that to a 5-year-old.... Daddy decided you weren't important enough. Sorry.

 

But, that the destruction of marriage involves only the H and W.

 

Very true. It is the husband and wife who must keep the marriage together. However, should a person hand a suicidal persona loaded gun? No, just like the OW/OM shouldn't offer their body to the cheating person.

 

Of course, husbands and wives need to keep up their marriage and it is primarily their responsibility.

[phillygirl63]

Originally posted by MistressD

As an OW, I didnt set out to do it, it just happened.

 

Sorry Mistress, I don't agree. Things just don't happen unless you were knocked on the head unconcious and later found yourself in the middle of sex with him. It's not like you are not responsible in anyway for getting involved with a married man. You knew what you were doing and I think you knew that it was wrong, but I also think we all have made some mistakes in the past and ultimately it's the mm who is responsible for the pain the w suffers because of the affair.

 

Some men are just dogs. Not all. But absolutely they are if they cheat on their wives. If they tell you they are in a loveless, sexless unhappy home but they still have to lie to their wife to see you, then assume otherwise. If I was miserable in my marriage I'd get out. And absolutely so would they. Staying for the kids sake is a wonderful excuse. But believe me, it's not the real reason they are staying.

[MistressD]

I'll never understand this excuse. Nothing just happens. cheaters make decisions (or choose to ignore their gut) at every little step of the way toward cheating./

 

Well...I understand how this is difficult to see. I really do understand how one can feel that way. Yes cheaters make decisions but these are decisions of the heart. Sometimes matters of the heart dont make logical sense.

 

Yes, a one-armed person could make a perfectly fine parent. However, wouldn't it be better to have two arms?/

 

Unless that other arm is diseased!LOL! Sometimes marriages have diseases (figuratively speaking).

 

Explain that to a 5-year-old.... Daddy decided you weren't important enough. Sorry./

 

This is really the one I wanted to respond to because I wanted to be sure it was understood that when I made that statement about who was more important I was only referring to the W or OW not the children. I believe that no matter who daddy or mommy chooses the Ow/m the children should still get the same level of support emotionally and financial from both parents. If the parents handle it right, the children can be loved by 2 mommies or 2 daddies. They have 2 homes. It works out sometimes even for the children. Again, I was not referring to the importance level between the children and OW only between the W and OW. THe W and the children and not one in the same. IF the MM or MW, leaves the W/H h/she is not leaving the children.

 

Very true. It is the husband and wife who must keep the marriage together. However, should a person hand a suicidal persona loaded gun? No, just like the OW/OM shouldn't offer their body to the cheating person../

 

Bodies are hardly inanimate objects. A gun is an inanimate object. People are not. It is about relationship. One should control themselves and take the high road but how often realistically does that happen not very.

[phillygirl63]

Seems like it's very difficult for you to accept that in 99.9% of the cases regarding affairs the ow means very little to next to nothing to the mm. He drops her like a hot potato when he realizes his marraige is truly in jeopardy because of what is going on. And don't fool yourself, the wife, the mother of his children, is absolutely more important than the other woman. If that weren't the case than he'd be with her. He'd stop the lies to the wife and he'd go be with the other woman. MM tell their mistresses all sorts of things to keep the affair going. Why in the world do you think that a man that would lie to his wife over and over again would say true things to you? It's absurd.

[MistressD]

ya...MM really think their wives are important. As you said they lie and to keep the affair going. WOW that shows real concern for the wife. MM probably either dont care for either the W or the OW as much as they care for themselves or silly enough they might actually care for both. I guess every case is different. I dont think a MM stays in the marriage for the W so much as he does his own self to preserve his finances, friends, home, etc.

[lynnered]

why does there need to be a profile?

every situation is different some MM may stay for children,finances ,etc

(the case w/h mine)

some just need a piece of @ss may love W may not ,

its not all black or white

so much thought on these threads are put into MM how he feel what he thinks ,

who gives a F***

stay with him & wait

OR

leave him

you as the indivual dealing with him is the only one ,who has to lay her head down ALONE at night

just because you love him does not mean it will work out ,

life is too short to try to convince someone you are right she is right in her mind ,as you are in yours ,

and i wish MARIE luck in finding her happiness no matter how many times she needs it ,

nobody in this forum is an expert they are just speaking from there experience &opinions

[Debster]

Am I the only one here who seems to notice a pattern of OW who were once the BS?

 

I don't understand. If you had it done to you and know how much it hurts, why would you want to put someone else through it? Is it revenge? Is it to prove that yes, you are attractive and to build up your self-esteem? Is it because you just lost faith in marriage and figure that sooner or later their marriage would have failed anyways?

[HoldOn]

BS = betrayed spouse?

[Grinning Maniac]

*edit*

[RecordProducer]

So?

 

If you want to make him leave his family, you must apply NC. As long as you stick around, he will be too comfortable with the situation and never leave. If he truly loves you, once he loses you, he might be ready for a big change.

Whatever excuses or promises you hear, don't believe him.

[phillygirl63]

Originally posted by Debster

Am I the only one here who seems to notice a pattern of OW who were once the BS?

 

I don't understand. If you had it done to you and know how much it hurts, why would you want to put someone else through it? Is it revenge? Is it to prove that yes, you are attractive and to build up your self-esteem? Is it because you just lost faith in marriage and figure that sooner or later their marriage would have failed anyways?

 

That's a really good question Debster and I'd be interested in hearing from OWs that were once the BS. Alls I know is that when my husband had an affair and I found out, I was so deeply hurt to the core and felt so bad for my children that they had such a dishonorable lying father (and they never knew about it nor will they ever) that it would completely go against my grain to be a willing participant in that kind of thing. I've experienced the pain first hand. As I've stated over and over again, ultimately it's the mm who is responsible for the heartbreak this causes his family but it's also a very big character flaw on the ow who is willing to go along with his deception, especially someone who has been through it herself and should be fully aware of the agony it causes.

[MistressD]

I would say that would make a good new conversation thread. Those were once BS...why do they become OW. Maybe someone should start it if they really are interested in understanding and not just to judge or bash.

 

Phillygirl...I understand your hurt and anger as I have been the BS as you know. I wish there was something I could say or do. Understandably so...you really have a burr under your saddle regarding the OW. I understand. I understand. I understand your anger. I think being both I also can see from the OW perspective. I believe that you blame the MM and OW too much for the marriage break down. You are right that they are in the wrong...that is true. But, I hear strongly from you that you almost take yourself out of being at fault in your marriage break down which only will tear at you. I know this from experience. If the BS is honest enough with herself, she sees that she has fault in it too because the marriage break down is really the issue. The only ones married is the BS and the MM. I think if you can come to that full understanding, you can work from there and not have to be on these sites telling OW how wrong they are. I get the impression you are on a mission to do so. I do not mean that in a negative way. My intent here is to tell you this because once you realize this, you are freed of your anger at least to the intensity that it appears to be. It seems to me that your motivation is not entirely to understand and grow but to elevate the position as the BS to make yourself free of fault. Society does allow this... I know. I did it. I felt the anger and leverage my victim status. But, once I took responsibility for my part in the marriage break down. I really understood completely how affairs happen. Thus, my anger is gone. I am free from that.

 

Also, you keep bringing the children into this. Did you tell your children? Did they find out? If so, how and why? The children should not know this happened. Frankly, it is a personal matter between H & W. At least it should be.

[StillHurtin]

Originally posted by Debster

Am I the only one here who seems to notice a pattern of OW who were once the BS?

 

I don't understand. If you had it done to you and know how much it hurts, why would you want to put someone else through it? Is it revenge? Is it to prove that yes, you are attractive and to build up your self-esteem? Is it because you just lost faith in marriage and figure that sooner or later their marriage would have failed anyways?

 

I don't understand it either. If the OW was once a BS why would she want to put someone else through the pain she went through? I wouldn't wish this pain on anyone, well, besides the OW H had an A w/.

[phillygirl63]

Originally posted by MistressD

I would say that would make a good new conversation thread. Those were once BS...why do they become OW. Maybe someone should start it if they really are interested in understanding and not just to judge or bash.

 

Phillygirl...I understand your hurt and anger as I have been the BS as you know. I wish there was something I could say or do. Understandably so...you really have a burr under your saddle regarding the OW. I understand. I understand. I understand your anger. I think being both I also can see from the OW perspective. I believe that you blame the MM and OW too much for the marriage break down. You are right that they are in the wrong...that is true. But, I hear strongly from you that you almost take yourself out of being at fault in your marriage break down which only will tear at you. I know this from experience. If the BS is honest enough with herself, she sees that she has fault in it too because the marriage break down is really the issue. The only ones married is the BS and the MM. I think if you can come to that full understanding, you can work from there and not have to be on these sites telling OW how wrong they are. I get the impression you are on a mission to do so. I do not mean that in a negative way. My intent here is to tell you this because once you realize this, you are freed of your anger at least to the intensity that it appears to be. It seems to me that your motivation is not entirely to understand and grow but to elevate the position as the BS to make yourself free of fault. Society does allow this... I know. I did it. I felt the anger and leverage my victim status. But, once I took responsibility for my part in the marriage break down. I really understood completely how affairs happen. Thus, my anger is gone. I am free from that.

 

Also, you keep bringing the children into this. Did you tell your children? Did they find out? If so, how and why? The children should not know this happened. Frankly, it is a personal matter between H & W. At least it should be.

[phillygirl63]

I'm sorry guys! I screwed up the last post and copied MistressD's last post! Anyway, I think I was in a state of shock that MistressD was giving me advice - especially in child rearing - LOL!!!!!!!! Anyhoo, one thing is right, I think I shouldn't be in this forum. I was hoping to make some sense to the OWs by telling my story of how my husband was typical in dumping - rather coldly - the ow immediately when I found out. I was hoping to maybe make at least one person see they deserve so much better than a mm. My best friend has just come out of a very bad breakup with one and it stirred up interest in why these women fall for the same old story. But it's frustrating trying to talk to some who just want to justify their actions and that of their mm. And, MistressD, I think I was getting a little too angry when I kept hearing you try to blame a little of it on the w. When my husband cheated we did have some issues (like all couples) in our marriage. But I don't care what the problems are, lying and deceit do not make anything right. And while, the ow is not married to the w, it's still a shi**y thing to do to another woman. You can justify all you want, but until you admit the truth, you'll be hanging on to a man that is not yours instead of being with someone that is free to love you the way you deserve. I really do wish all of you the best.

[MistressD]

I am wondering if Maries MM moved in with her. Does anyone know how that turned out?

[whichwayisup]

She isn't posting here anymore. She got fed up with being picked on.

 

He wouldn't be living with her yet as the deadline was bumped to July.