One month post breakup....still hopeful

[kt92]

This is my first post on here so it's super long...bear with me!!! :-)

 

We were together almost two years. Our relationship was amazing for about a year and a half and that's when things started to go south. He started drinking heavily as I was trying to move out on my own and become financially stable. I was also very depressed and turned to him for every bit of attention I could get. You could tell he felt overwhelmed. I gained weight and stopped going out to do anything social. I pretty much lost all of the friends I had except one and even she felt very distanced from me.

 

About the last 6 months of our relationship he began partying heavily, spending most nights with his friends, staying out all hours while I would wait quietly at my apartment for him to get there. There was no infidelity involved. He was generally just a friendly guy who had a plethora of friends and always had someone to hang out with. I became increasingly more jealous of these friends and not receiving attention from him. Because of my depression and weight gain our sex life dissipated as well. Leaving him with needs I didn't feel that I could fulfill because I was embarrassed by myself. He became more and more distant. The last three months of our relationship was almost as if we weren't together at all. He mostly stayed at his place alone as opposed to us sleeping over at each others places every night. You could tell he was holding on for dear life and so was I. Neither of us wanted to truly let go even though it was clear that both of us were not very happy considering our situations.

 

I knew things were coming to an end when he cut me out of pretty much every aspect of his life. He only came over if I asked and even that was very hard to get him to do. Then one night after I broke down and cried about his distance from me and he told me he didn't think we could be together anymore. That he was no longer attracted to me and that I was no longer the independent girl that I was when we first started dating. Of course I begged and pleaded but he had his foot down. He said he was not happy with me any longer and that he wanted to go out and live his life.

 

I was crushed. I did not eat for 5 days, could not sleep whatsoever...nothing. The breakup itself was very emotional. We cried in each other's arms and thanked each other for the past two years. He told me he would always love me but the spark we once had was gone. He told me he didn't want me out of his life, and that he wanted to remain friends. He was crying pretty heavily when I left that day. As was I. You could tell there was still so much love there between us but neither of us were satisfying each other's needs. For him it was lack of intimacy and me constantly pressuring him about seeing me all of the time didn't help. For me it was lack of emotional support and the fact that I still felt very lonely even being with him.

 

The first two weeks of the breakup we still saw each other almost every other day (horrible idea I know). We still exchanged "I love you"s and kissed each other. I slept over once (no sex) and asked me to get off the floor where I had fallen asleep and wrapped me in his arms. The few interactions after that I had become extremely emotional. Pushing him father away. I asked him several times about a future with us. Each time was the same. I received a maybe, a possibly, and a perhaps. But it was always "not right now". The next two weeks he had become very distant. No more exchanging sweet words, no more kisses goodbye. I had found out he started hanging out with this girl he used to be friends with in high school. At the thought of knowing what could be or what already was I became very distraught. I wanted to move home (which was about four hours away). Before I officially made my decision to put in the notice at my apartment to move out I wanted to tell him I was considering leaving. He became very distressed and begged me not to leave stating that me leaving would take away all chances of a future together. That he still loved me very much but the attraction he had to me was not there. He told me a story of a couple he knew that took some time apart to reevaluate everything and ended up getting married and staying married. He told me he genuinely thought that could be us. But at the time...it was for the best that we were not together. I decided not to make any dramatic decisions based on frantic emotions. And I still have hope.

 

A part of me wants to move on and forget everything we had. A part of me wants to hold on to every bit of hope I have because I know he truly loves me. I know a huge part of him wants to be with me but the emotional instability I show every single time I am near him only keeps him at a distance. I'm confused because I don't know how long to hold on. 3 months, 6 months, a year, several years? I would wait as long as I could to make things better.

 

I am already actively working on becoming who I was before him. Strong, beautiful, healthier, and not dependent on anyone. That's the girl he fell in love with. Not the crazed, co-dependent, nagging girl he ended things with. I existed before him and I will exist afterwards. A huge part of me knows we do not belong together at this point. We loved each other very much but we both have lots of things to work on. Which we both agreed we would do. He's actually talking about going to school like I tried to support him in doing our entire relationship. At this point I think I should go no contact at all. He has all of these future plans with me that I'm sure will be fulfilled but right now I cannot have him see me breaking down every time I'm in the same vicinity as he is. I think a part of him is satisfied in knowing that he has me no matter what. That I'm not going anywhere and he knows that when he is ready I'll be there. He holds all of the cards in his hands and can play them as he may. This is why he became very distraught when I told him I would be leaving for my hometown hours away.

 

I get angry when I think of it that way but when you truly truly love somebody, when you essentially save their life and they teach you how to love again...you can't just walk away. Of course my friends tell me to let go. And some negative people in my life have to me to never go back to him and that it is indeed forever. "It's called a break up because it's broken" "just walk away" "if he really loved you he wouldn't have left". I think that he left because of how much he does love me. And in order to salvage what we have lost, we must go through this time apart. Any more time with us being miserable together would've just led to the complete and utter destruction of us with no resolve possible.

 

I remember a time when I left MY first love after about a year and a half. He was going to give me a promise ring. We were truly and madly in love with each other. I honest to God thought I had found the man I wanted to marry. Then something happened within me. I suddenly realized that I had never experienced anything with any other person before. I became scared and looked for reasons to end things with the supposed "love of my life" that I had told countless numbers of times that I would never leave. I started picking fights, we stopped spending time together...and one day I called him and ended everything. I saw him the next day and told him that I just didn't feel what I had felt in the beginning. And I left. I had my rebound relationship within two months, hooked up with several people, started partying. And it took me about a year before I deeply regretted it. I regretted it for 3 long years after that and searched for what I had with him and never even came close to finding it. He had already moved on. Got into a relationship with a girl with the same name that looked just like me. He wouldn't respond to anything I had to say. I took it as a lost cause but the point is. I've been there. I know now how rare it is to find true unconditional love with someone. And it took me over a year of trying to find myself before I realized what I had lost. I've been there and I have completely crushed someone else. Granted...when I finally returned he was no longer there. And maybe that will happen to me when my ex finally returns...who knows. That's why I remain hopeful.

 

Of course things will never be the same I know this. People will call me an idiot and want to burn me at the stake for taking back someone who left me. But when I left someone I would have done anything to get back what I had given up but they had moved on. I know I am not a bad person and neither is my ex. I know he's lost, confused, angry, depressed and troubled. We're still both young and if it doesn't work out it simply just doesn't work out. I am not looking to pursue another relationship because my heart is so very clearly in the hands of somebody else. And until I finally get the closure I can find from within or we can rekindle what was lost...I remain hopeful.

 

"When you love something let it go, if it comes back it's yours to keep. If it doesn't, it was never yours in the first place."

[Satu]

Long post, short reply.

 

The pivot point for mental and emotional health lies in the acceptance of the current reality.

Edited January 11, 2015 by Satu

[AnOldshoe]

I think your last line sums up how your should be treating him.

 

Watch the movie swingers its got a couple of really amazing advice one liners. I am sure if you're as amazing as you sound he'll come running back, probably when you have moved on and found someone even better : )

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1GgmjRRpY-k

 

Life is full of experiences, some good, some heart breakingly painful. Take each day as it comes and dont shut yourself out to life, only you can make yourself happy.

 

Take it from me, reading as many love shack forums is a great piece of mind, but there is no reason that any of these other stories will mimic how your story will turn out, only time can tell that. Try not to get hung up on the 2 months, 3 months and 6 month deadlines.

 

By not talking to him gives you the best chance for him to miss you and come back and it also gives you a chance to move on. That way if he wants you back in the future great, if he doesnt *&^% him because you'll have moved on and will definetly find someone better.