I'm the OW and I'm going crazy

[Jesuischarlie]

Stuff like this drives me crazy- "if you found true love". As if posters here obviously haven't experienced it.

An affair is lying and cheating and secrets and absence. That's not love!

And for the record I have lots of relationship experience. I've fallen "madly" in mutual love, I've been on both ends of unrequited love, I've been part of an affair etc. and affairs are lacking everything about real love. It's all fantasy.

The same could go for how people behave once they no longer love or respect their partner but stay anyhow married.

 

I have seen the worst of Mm and him me. I'm not perfect but ones behaviour is often a result of your relationship with someone whether you live with them or not. He farts.... He is frustrating. He is a coward. But doesn't make it fantasy just because I don't do his washing.

Edited January 23, 2015 by Jesuischarlie

[KismetGirl]

Don't. Do. It. Don't do it.

 

I've had an off and on again affair with my MM for ten effing years. Is that where you want to end up? It isn't, trust me.

 

I didn't talk to him for THREE years. I still thought about him, often, but it hurt less as time went.

 

HE contacted me again after three years and over the last few months I've fallen into a spiral of sh*t again because all my intense feelings resurfaced. He's all I think about again, and trust me when I say I have way more important things I should focus on in life.

 

He is poison in your life, stay away.

 

I understand you. Please believe I know how you feel. I feel like my MM is perfect for me in every way (except the whole married thing). His intellience, sense of humor, sexual appetite, personality-- everything fits me like yin and yang. I know without hesitation I'd be a better match for him than his wife, and he knows it too. But he's got four kids so he ain't going no where. At least not now and I suspect no time soon.

 

Yours seems no more willing to change his life than mine. He hasnt' talked to you, then dont talk to him. The only favor he has done you so far is to leave you alone. Take it as a blessing. Mine didn't leave me alone and selfishly dragged me back into his snare from which I am having significant trouble removing myself again and it is killing me slowly from the inside out, and it will do the same to you.

 

You're welcome to PM me to talk more but please believe me when I say that only misery will come from you contacting him again. I also got devastaing news over the last year or so. Two people in my family died. One other was very sick. It was one of the worst years of my life. I wanted nothing more than to cry in his arms.

 

When I saw him it was great. For two hours. For four hours. For five hours. Great until he had to kiss me goodbye to go sleep next to his effing wife. And then I got to sleep alone in misery again. And then you wonder if those four, five, six hours really are worth the ten years of agony. And I guarantee you if you keep it up and talk to him again, you'll be exactly where I am. RUN. RUN FAR.

 

Go on dates. Go on so many dates you are sick of them. Eventually you'll find just one person that makes you laugh and smile just enough so that you are tempted to go out with him again, and little by little you'll forget about MM. It will happen. Give it time.

 

There is nothing to be gained by contacting him again, and so very much of your sanity left to lose. If I could take my feelings out of me and shove them into you so you could understand how much pain you will feel by bringing him back into your life I would, but I can't so I can only give you my words.

 

Don't talk to him. Move on with life.

[Broom]

Don't. Do. It. Don't do it.

 

I've had an off and on again affair with my MM for ten effing years. Is that where you want to end up? It isn't, trust me.

 

I didn't talk to him for THREE years. I still thought about him, often, but it hurt less as time went.

 

HE contacted me again after three years and over the last few months I've fallen into a spiral of sh*t again because all my intense feelings resurfaced. He's all I think about again, and trust me when I say I have way more important things I should focus on in life.

 

He is poison in your life, stay away.

 

I understand you. Please believe I know how you feel. I feel like my MM is perfect for me in every way (except the whole married thing). His intellience, sense of humor, sexual appetite, personality-- everything fits me like yin and yang. I know without hesitation I'd be a better match for him than his wife, and he knows it too. But he's got four kids so he ain't going no where. At least not now and I suspect no time soon.

 

Yours seems no more willing to change his life than mine. He hasnt' talked to you, then dont talk to him. The only favor he has done you so far is to leave you alone. Take it as a blessing. Mine didn't leave me alone and selfishly dragged me back into his snare from which I am having significant trouble removing myself again and it is killing me slowly from the inside out, and it will do the same to you.

 

You're welcome to PM me to talk more but please believe me when I say that only misery will come from you contacting him again. I also got devastaing news over the last year or so. Two people in my family died. One other was very sick. It was one of the worst years of my life. I wanted nothing more than to cry in his arms.

 

When I saw him it was great. For two hours. For four hours. For five hours. Great until he had to kiss me goodbye to go sleep next to his effing wife. And then I got to sleep alone in misery again. And then you wonder if those four, five, six hours really are worth the ten years of agony. And I guarantee you if you keep it up and talk to him again, you'll be exactly where I am. RUN. RUN FAR.

 

Go on dates. Go on so many dates you are sick of them. Eventually you'll find just one person that makes you laugh and smile just enough so that you are tempted to go out with him again, and little by little you'll forget about MM. It will happen. Give it time.

 

There is nothing to be gained by contacting him again, and so very much of your sanity left to lose. If I could take my feelings out of me and shove them into you so you could understand how much pain you will feel by bringing him back into your life I would, but I can't so I can only give you my words.

 

Don't talk to him. Move on with life.

 

 

How did yours start? Did he ever future fake or did you ever ask to be with him?

[gettingstronger]

I have seen the worst of Mm and him me. I'm not perfect but ones behaviour is often a result of your relationship with someone whether you live with them or not. He farts.... He is frustrating. He is a coward. But doesn't make it fantasy just because I don't do his washing.

 

There is more to marriage than just washing- there are big and small decisions- child rearing, planning for retirement, home care, in-laws, bills, careers, vehicles, insurance and health decisions- all of the nitty gritty everyday things that unless you are married, you just don't share-

Sorry, unless you are part of the everyday pieces of someones life, you really, really have no idea what they are like-

[Jesuischarlie]

Well if we were together all the time... Hé would have a wide circle of friends not just her extended family. So there's a positive side too. Everyone behaves differently according to who they're stuck with.

[Diezel]

That thing he did to his wife, you know... the cheating. He'd do it to you too, eventually.

[KismetGirl]

How did yours start? Did he ever future fake or did you ever ask to be with him?

Broom,

 

No. He has never really lied to me in that respect-- he's never fed me lies about divorce, that I should wait for him, etc. In fact he's asked me why I bother with him, what could I see in being involved with him but misery, why would I want a guy with such baggage, etc

 

He has said that he wishes he met me first, that I'm better suited for him, that we would have had an amazing relationship. He has said he has thought about divorce, has even talked to his wife about it. But she was vehemently against it, and he agreed to try counseling and working on the marriage but let's be honest-- after a couple years of "working" on the marriage the only result he came to was that he and his wife will never be a good match, but that he has "relegated" himself to being in a content but never fully happy marriage for the sake of his family, and even after his wife has caught him multiple times and knows exactly who I am and would absolutely cut his b*lls off if she knew he talked to me again....he managed to track me down to talk to me again after NC for over three years. But at the end of the day he is terrified of breaking up his family. He does not hate his wife, she is the mother of his children and in the family respect they get along more or less. he's just not in love with her, never has been really, at least not in a decade, and they've only been married a dozen years or so.

 

We met through work, many years ago. At first I thought nothing would happen because I realised he's married, but one day we were flirting and it just happened, he kissed me, and that was it. At first I told him he'd regret it so I didn't sleep with him, but he pursued it and I gave in. I guess I told myself it was just for fun and it wouldn't mean anything and I liked him and was attracted to him, and I was SO young, barely out of school. He was not thrilled with his marriage back then but he was content enough. His parents went through some infidelity issues but stuck through it and I guess he tells himself in some ways that even though he's cheating and he's unhappy in many ways, that if his father stuck around and didn't break the family up, that he should also not break up his own family.

 

It's a bit sad. We've been on and off again for years. There have been 2-3 year periods twice now that I left (either because I had a boyfriend or whatever reason) and in those times he got more comfortable with the whole affair stuff (i was his first A). I know he hooked up with one other girl in my absence for about 10 months, and there were one or two others that were one time things. I've been around much longer than anyone else in his life, A wise. I have no doubt he cares for me, loves me even, misses me....hell, after a hiatus of several years he tracked me down from halfway around the world to see me again. But this whole business with his family....he's just not ready to leave. He doesnt want to hurt his wife, but at this point he has four kids and it's just....too much. If he left he would be personally and financiall ruined, not to mention Im sure everyone he knows would think he's a huge a**hole for leaving a wife and four young kids. Society does not look favorably on people who do such things, even if they are unhappy in their spousal relationship. Back 50 years ago it was almost routine for men to have A's and OW's, so long as they kept the family together. Nowadays divorce is more common but the stigma remains, I think, of upping and leaving a young family.

 

I dont know if this answered your question. It's hard to summarise ten years of knowing this man in a couple of paragraphs. Suffice to say I tried very hard to forget about him the last few years and now that we reconnected my feelings are stronger than ever. I am considering writing a new post to update but was quite disheartened last time I posted as I was told about a website/blog that some member un-named on this site started to gossip about the OW's of this website and it quite upset me and was unsure if I ever wanted to personally post on here again, but I'm torn between my anger at those selfish people and the fact that I hope other OW's can maybe see how much misery I've been through and try to avoid the same fate. I think unfortunately there are a few positive-ending type of stories (i think someone named redheaded mistress or something on here has one), in which they ended up with their MM's, however, those situations are far and few between and more often than not the OW will end up like me or worse.

 

Sometimes I still have fantasies that he'll realise what he's done, doing, and that he and his wife still have years left to find happiness with other people, and that he'll leave and give us a chance, but realistically I doubt it. He's become more open with me lately about his feelings and I think actually his feelings have gotten stronger for me since we reconnected in many ways, but still....the children are and have always been the biggest issue, and as a sub-issue is the overall family situation and basically ending life as he knows it-- no more house (obviously that would go to the wife), stigma from his in-laws and mutual friends, not to mention financial difficulties of trying to support his kids/alimony/himself all at the same time which is something he can barely afford right now being married let alone divorced.

 

I might start a new thread to update. I had a hard day today and my heart is heavy.

[Jesuischarlie]

Exactly the same with MM in my case. I don't think I'll get over him. )-: and he'll never forget me.

[Jesuischarlie]

That thing he did to his wife, you know... the cheating. He'd do it to you too, eventually.

You've obviously never been that much in love. Some affairs are just that... Others are much deeper.

The serial cheaters don't really keep the same OW.

[anna121]

Broom,

 

 

I might start a new thread to update. I had a hard day today and my heart is heavy.

 

Please do.

[spiderowl]

OP, I know how it feels when you feel someone is 'the one'. It is hell to have to resist the urge to contact them, even if you know they never felt the same way as you. It would be a mess if you got in touch again.

 

This problem is not going to go away until you change your mind deep down in the unconscious, until you open yourself to the possibility that another guy could be just as special to you. If you don't get to know another guy, you'll never find out how you could bond with someone again.

 

I wouldn't advocate dating a guy just to see if you could feel something for him. That would not be fair on the guy. Firstly, you need to contemplate yourself. Think about whether someone else could become special to you. Someone new and different. Think about that idea and when you see other guys or talk to them, consider it. I think that eventually, there will be a shift and suddenly you will realise that it is possible. When that happens, your focus will switch away from the married 'one' and hopefully you will become more open-minded about possibilities.

Edited February 1, 2015 by spiderowl

[FireandIce007]

He's married sweety and you should respect that. If he hasn't contacted you its for a reason. I know its hard and your heart aches for him but trying to enter back into his life would be doing a great injustice for you both. Let him go and keep your heart open to a good man that deserves you. You are blocking your blessings from the right man entering your life because you can't let go of this married man that has moved on. You have wonderful memories of him, he was in your life for a lesson that you needed to learn. Not everyone is meant to be with us forever.....Let him go for your sanity.