I'm the OW and I'm going crazy

[Satu]

I would find a good therapist and commit to finding out why you feel so stuck.

[Jesuischarlie]

Why are people on here always in therapy' must be a USA thing? "Time is what you need. Take care of yourself.

[writergal]

If time doesn't heal it's because you won't let go of your feelings for him. Your suffering is self-created and because you miss him and refuse to accept that the affair is over, you keep yourself immersed in your own pain and suffering to justify contacting him, with the false hope of restarting the affair you two had. Until you accept the reality of your situation -- that the affair is over -- you will never truly heal. Have you tried individual counseling yet? If not, I think that would be good for you.

[Rainbowlove]

My XMM and I have not spoke nor have had any contact in almost 2 years. In fact, he lives in another state. We had an affair for 3 years. His wife never found out. He is the one who ended things. We got into a small argument. He called a few times and I purposely didn't answer the phone because I was mad. After 3 days of me not answering his calls, he just stopped calling, blocked me in every way possible. The first 3-4 months, I got rid of everything that would remind me of him...pics, emails, etc. and told myself to move on. I was doing well, then suddenly everything started to remind me of him again and I became even more depressed than I already was. Now, almost 2 years later, I still have moments where I just cry and feel like i'm going to go insane and I desperately want to contact him. I always thought time would heal, but in fact, I feel like we just stopped talking yesterday and i'm feeling all the pain just as bad. Not sure how to feel better. I've dated other men but I keep comparing them to him and I end up breaking up with all of them.

 

I'm in your boat, only I ended it. I knew when I ended it, it was going to take me years to get over her, if I ever fully do.

 

Mostly, I think there will always be a huge part of my heart that belongs to her. I don't regret ending it, bc it needed to end for everyone involved; even for my OW.

 

Worse, I know she aches for me still too, but I'm married and have no intention of every going down that road again.

 

I think it does take time, if you really loved him. And the way it ended for you, sucks. No real closure. That makes it harder to move on.

 

What I've done to survive is embrace the good and bad days. It's okay to cry still. It's okay to feel sad, but if it's too much, yes, seek help.

 

Moving on from a lost love is hard as hell, bc you remember the good times. Do you recall any faults?

 

Also, you never really had a real relationship with him because he is married. You didn't do the every day things together; shop, cook, clean, pay bills and balance work/life.

 

How much of it was real? How much was a fantasy?

 

Stop comparing others to him, it's unfair to your mates and yourself. I know, easier said than done.

 

Give yourself more time.

[whichwayisup]

Why are people on here always in therapy' must be a USA thing? "Time is what you need. Take care of yourself.

 

She is still very much attached and in love, has "hopes" that he'll come back to her. It's been 2 years of no contact, he's chosen to stay married and not be in any affair or friendship with her. What she is doing is preventing herself from detaching and moving on with her life. Hanging onto someone who wants nothing to do with her IS so unhealthy and damaging to her self esteem, her life in general. She can't get over him on her own so it's time for her to seek professional help and learn to let go of him and cope with the pain in a healthy way. What she's doing now isn't working.

 

There's no shame in getting counseling. Sometimes people need extra help if they can't do it on their own.

 

She's had 2 years worth of time to move on, she hasn't. She keeps the flame and passion for him alive because she thinks about him all the time.

 

There's a difference of knowing you loved someone once vs hanging onto them for dear life 2 years later. Sure one may always 'love' that person but the feelings get less intense over time and just become a past memory, people detach and their mind focuses on other things. They continue to push forward and live life. She's unable to do this, so again, that's why she needs counseling.

[sunburned]

Why are people on here always in therapy' must be a USA thing? "Time is what you need. Take care of yourself.

 

Whoa, Jesuischarlie. Peut-etre Anglaise isn't your first language so you had trouble reading the OP. She very clearly said time hasn't worked. I think the suggestions to pursue therapy at this point make sense. There's nothing to lose (a few bucks maybe?) even for a non-believer.

 

To the OP, I'm sorry for what you're going through. It must be much harder when it's true love. Perhaps it's easier for some of us to "move on" because we learned at the end of the A -- whether it was a month later or a year later -- it wasn't love at all. Do try therapy to help you over this plateau in your healing.

[Poppy47]

Whoa, Jesuischarlie. Peut-etre Anglaise isn't your first language so you had trouble reading the OP. She very clearly said time hasn't worked. I think the suggestions to pursue therapy at this point make sense. There's nothing to lose (a few bucks maybe?) even for a non-believer.

 

To the OP, I'm sorry for what you're going through. It must be much harder when it's true love. Perhaps it's easier for some of us to "move on" because we learned at the end of the A -- whether it was a month later or a year later -- it wasn't love at all. Do try therapy to help you over this plateau in your healing.

 

Agree!!!

 

I live in Australia and people here have therapy if they cannot handle difficulties in their lives. It's not just a "fad" in the United States...

 

It can be useful to get somebody past a sticking point.

 

Poppy.

[anabel32]

Not sure if you are much into spirituality... but you can read this article and see if this resonate with you.

How to Remove Attachments to Past Relationships | Spirit Science

 

In any case, you definately need good therapy.

[Rainbowlove]

Not sure if you are much into spirituality... but you can read this article and see if this resonate with you.

How to Remove Attachments to Past Relationships | Spirit Science

 

In any case, you definately need good therapy.

 

I absolutely loved that article and can relate.

 

Thank you for sharing it.

[Missinghim17]

I appreciate everyones responses. I really cannot afford therapy nor do I have a lot of time. I'm a single mom of 2 and I work. This is why I haven't tried it or I probably would have by now. Anything to stop this pain.

 

I honestly did really love him. I know a lot of people think they are in love, but they are not. I know I was and still am. Had he left his wife and asked me to marry him, I would of said yes in an instant. In my head, I thought it was going to happen. I saw our future in my mind. I've had relationships before him and have dated others and he truly was my perfection. EXACTLY what I always looked for in a man, other than the fact that he was already taken. My type 100%. I have no doubts that I was in love with him, and still am. Its sad but I still do feel like I am waiting for him to come back. I feel like my life is on hold and I can't move forward.

Edited January 18, 2015 by Missinghim17

[evanescentworld]

Time doesn't heal.

Time never heals.

 

All Time does, is tick by.

 

WE Heal.

And it takes different people, different times.

But you haven't let go, and until you are willing to do so, a decade could pass and you'd still be wondering why you're not over it yet.

[writergal]

I appreciate everyones responses. I really cannot afford therapy nor do I have a lot of time. I'm a single mom of 2 and I work. This is why I haven't tried it or I probably would have by now. Anything to stop this pain.

 

I honestly did really love him. I know a lot of people think they are in love, but they are not. I know I was and still am. Had he left his wife and asked me to marry him, I would of said yes in an instant. In my head, I thought it was going to happen. I saw our future in my mind. I've had relationships before him and have dated others and he truly was my perfection. EXACTLY what I always looked for in a man, other than the fact that he was already taken. My type 100%. I have no doubts that I was in love with him, and still am. Its sad but I still do feel like I am waiting for him to come back. I feel like my life is on hold and I can't move forward.

 

Check with your city's county office about getting therapy on a sliding fee scale. There are many walk-in counseling clinics in cities that either offer totally free counseling or on a sliding feel scale. You can also set up phone counseling sessions too if you don't have time right now to schedule an hour therapy session once a week. It's worth looking into, to help you recover from this affair that ended 2 years ago. Your 2 children need your attention more than this married man who has moved on with his life. Try to focus on them for a while instead of letting yourself perseverate (dwell) on the past.

[GirlStillStrong]

I had a BF once, when I was a teenager, who took me 20-something years to get over. No exaggeration. I didn't spend every day thinking about him, and of course I went on with my life, but I could not think of him, or us, or what happened, without hurting, getting upset, or crying. It made no sense. Looking back, I realize it was a pretty traumatic experience, our break-up. But not because he was this super special guy who was a catch of a lifetime or anything like that. It was my first real experience at being really used and discarded by someone who I really loved and thought I had a future with.

 

What I know is, every relationship, and every break-up, is presented to you for a reason. There is a very important lesson you need to learn, and that is why you are still hurting. Life will continue to bring you this lesson, over and over and over, until you learn it.

 

I do not know for certain what your lesson is in this circumstance. But I do know what the lessons were for me when I was in a similar situation and I will share those with you. First, I had to learn this rule: Do not compare. Neither yourself nor other people, to anyone else or some ideal. Ever. Second, you are worthy of not being discarded. The fact that someone you loved and trusted discarded you is not a reflection on you or your worth. It is solely a reflection on THEM. You may want to explore why you chose a man who was going to discard you like that. There is something from your past that you are trying to repeat and there is something about this particular guy that rings familiar with you. Delve deeper to define what that is.

[GoldieLox]

Why are people on here always in therapy' must be a USA thing? "Time is what you need. Take care of yourself.

 

Sometimes, people need a bit of extra help processing things and working through them. Therapists are trained to use different techniques to help us do that. It's not for everyone, but for the people who are willing to put the time and effort into it (and I will say, whose minds are "wired" somewhat towards it), it does help tremendously.

 

OP, I know you said you are a single mother and cannot necessarily afford it, but if you do have medical insurance of any kind, I suggest you look into community mental health clinics. They have very low-cost therapy available.

 

Hang in there. Like someone else said, this will never pass unless you let go of his memory. Therapy can help you deal with the triggers.

[Missinghim17]

I had a BF once, when I was a teenager, who took me 20-something years to get over. No exaggeration. I didn't spend every day thinking about him, and of course I went on with my life, but I could not think of him, or us, or what happened, without hurting, getting upset, or crying. It made no sense. Looking back, I realize it was a pretty traumatic experience, our break-up. But not because he was this super special guy who was a catch of a lifetime or anything like that. It was my first real experience at being really used and discarded by someone who I really loved and thought I had a future with.

 

What I know is, every relationship, and every break-up, is presented to you for a reason. There is a very important lesson you need to learn, and that is why you are still hurting. Life will continue to bring you this lesson, over and over and over, until you learn it.

 

I do not know for certain what your lesson is in this circumstance. But I do know what the lessons were for me when I was in a similar situation and I will share those with you. First, I had to learn this rule: Do not compare. Neither yourself nor other people, to anyone else or some ideal. Ever. Second, you are worthy of not being discarded. The fact that someone you loved and trusted discarded you is not a reflection on you or your worth. It is solely a reflection on THEM. You may want to explore why you chose a man who was going to discard you like that. There is something from your past that you are trying to repeat and there is something about this particular guy that rings familiar with you. Delve deeper to define what that is.

 

 

Wow. That is pretty deep stuff. You might be right. Definitely something to think about. I do have a past and a childhood in which several traumatizing events took place that has affected me and my siblings.

[GirlStillStrong]

Funny you should say so. I was checking this out today: Subconscious Mind

[Healthier Me]

Two years is a VERY long time not to hear from someone! Imagine how hurt you will be if you find out he's already found another new sweetie to play with?

Obviously something or someone has gotten his attention and I'm sorry, but he doesn't want it to be you. The sooner you accept this is really over, the sooner you can move on....

[whatatangledweb]

It is what you do with the time is what heals you. You seem to be holding onto hope that he will reappear ond day and that is why you are not healing. You have to face that he isn't coming back and you have to let the hope go.

[whichwayisup]

I appreciate everyones responses. I really cannot afford therapy nor do I have a lot of time. I'm a single mom of 2 and I work. This is why I haven't tried it or I probably would have by now. Anything to stop this pain.

 

I honestly did really love him. I know a lot of people think they are in love, but they are not. I know I was and still am. Had he left his wife and asked me to marry him, I would of said yes in an instant. In my head, I thought it was going to happen. I saw our future in my mind. I've had relationships before him and have dated others and he truly was my perfection. EXACTLY what I always looked for in a man, other than the fact that he was already taken. My type 100%. I have no doubts that I was in love with him, and still am. Its sad but I still do feel like I am waiting for him to come back. I feel like my life is on hold and I can't move forward.

 

You're not doing anything to move on though. You think of him constantly.

 

Sadly, you're doing this to yourself by hanging on and not accepting the reality that he isn't coming back.

 

Borrow the money if you can't afford counseling. Find a trusted friend or a family member if need be. go to 10 sessions if possible weekly and see how different you'll feel.

[eye of the storm]

When in this type of relationship it is very easy to make the AP into a perfect person. You don't have to deal with their dirty socks, or argue about bills or watch them pick their nose. You only get to see the side they want you to see. You are not seeing the whole person. You imagination fills in the rest to make them a whole perfect person.

 

You don't love this man. You don't know this man. You know what he wanted you to know and you loved what you thought he was.

 

You truly loved an image. It is the same emotion as loving a person. But, put your brain back into gear and think about it.

 

Do you really think if you truly knew him, and knew he was capable of cutting you off so completely, that you would have loved him? Probably not.

 

You made all those changes. He didn't. You are stronger than you realize. Because you are painting him with the brush you deserve. It is ok to say, I kicked ass and make my life and my kids' lives better. Take back your power. Realize that you can, and are, standing on your own too feet.

[Tashcw]

I have always been a strong believer that emotions in affairs are worse than normal relationships. Why? In this case OP, you're holding on to a dream of what your life was like.

 

I agree with eyeofthestorm. You have no idea what this man was actually like to live with, so your brain has filled in the happy, romantic gaps.

 

I was 'lucky'. My MM got kicked out by his EW and came to me. We had 18 months together. It was awful. Had he changed? Not at all, but my perception of what I thought was wonderful about him when he wasn't around all the time becomes different when he is.

 

For example, his love of the kids, and the reason why he found it so, so hard to leave? Meant his EW could manipulate situations like nothing else (not that I blame her!). He was back there fixing fences, buying her a new car etc. All because of the kids. Which leaves you feeling empty and pretty rubbish sat at home on your own on a weekend.

 

His charm and attractiveness? You suddenly see those looks that were flashed at you being flashed at others. And everytime he's late home from work, or gets a text he's vague about you wonder if you weren't the only one to fall for his charms...

 

As well as the normal relationship strains (the differences in what programmes you want to watch, him being out too late, me leaving the bathroom in a mess etc), you also have an extremely angry ex wife and devastated kids to deal with. And I can guarantee you won't agree on how to handle that the same way.

 

In other words, it's really, really hard. And, for what turns out to be an ordinary guy. Their attractiveness is partly their unavailability, but also a huge amount to do with our own self esteem. Being in an affair for 3 year would have DESTROYED your self esteem. Trust me. 2 years is a relatively brief time if you still feel low.

 

My advice? Do something for YOU! Use every cheesy self help technique you can. Write a list of why you're great. Why are you a great mom? Everytime your kid says they love you, write it down! Record them saying it. Endeavour to make new friends, new hobbies (I realise you're a single mom but get someone to babysit once a month whilst you learn to knit or photograph or make cocktails or something!). Get a new haircut. Wear more make up and buy an outfit you love.

 

It took me a long time to recover (easily 2 years), but I got there.

 

Whatever you do, DO NOT CONTACT HIM!

[Jesuischarlie]

She is still very much attached and in love, has "hopes" that he'll come back to her. It's been 2 years of no contact, he's chosen to stay married and not be in any affair or friendship with her. What she is doing is preventing herself from detaching and moving on with her life. Hanging onto someone who wants nothing to do with her IS so unhealthy and damaging to her self esteem, her life in general. She can't get over him on her own so it's time for her to seek professional help and learn to let go of him and cope with the pain in a healthy way. What she's doing now isn't working.

 

There's no shame in getting counseling. Sometimes people need extra help if they can't do it on their own.

 

She's had 2 years worth of time to move on, she hasn't. She keeps the flame and passion for him alive because she thinks about him all the time.

.

 

She really loved him and does not believe she will meet anyone else. I can understand that. It depends on how much you were involved. For instance, I know I was involved 100 percent, I am 19 months out of affair but still meet him for talking..... i do not believe i will get over him either. If you found true love, you would know why. Some people are not preparing to settle for second best. time will help her and she needs to talk to her friends about him. i did and I have many supporting me. that is what she needs, like grief, she needs to talk. No therapist can understand, they are getting paid to try.

Friends are not

[Eighty_nine]

She really loved him and does not believe she will meet anyone else. I can understand that. It depends on how much you were involved. For instance, I know I was involved 100 percent, I am 19 months out of affair but still meet him for talking..... i do not believe i will get over him either. If you found true love, you would know why. Some people are not preparing to settle for second best. time will help her and she needs to talk to her friends about him. i did and I have many supporting me. that is what she needs, like grief, she needs to talk. No therapist can understand, they are getting paid to try.

Friends are not

 

Stuff like this drives me crazy- "if you found true love". As if posters here obviously haven't experienced it.

An affair is lying and cheating and secrets and absence. That's not love!

And for the record I have lots of relationship experience. I've fallen "madly" in mutual love, I've been on both ends of unrequited love, I've been part of an affair etc. and affairs are lacking everything about real love. It's all fantasy.

[waterwoman]

II was 'lucky'. My MM got kicked out by his EW and came to me. We had 18 months together. It was awful. Had he changed? Not at all, but my perception of what I thought was wonderful about him when he wasn't around all the time becomes different when he is.

 

 

Tash - that is so true. The impression I had was the H's OW genuinely wanted him to leave me so she could be with him. She told him she loved him almost immediately, she told him 'he was the man for her'. They had stolen moments, ego boosts, the fear of discovery, the desire for the forbidden all added to the excitment. She was so young and idealistic. Now, don't misunderstand me, I love my H very much, he has many admirable qualities and I chose to stay with after dday because I didn't want to lose him from my life, but love's young dream he is NOT - he was 31 years ago when we first got together, now...not so much. He can be self-centred, abrupt, once his head is in the newspaper all you get from him for an hour is the odd grunt and angry mutter, he can be mardy and a miserable old git at times (so can I probably - we are both getting on in years!). I dread to think how quickly the rose-tinted spectacles would have been smashed if they had ever got together properly.

[Tashcw]

He can be self-centred, abrupt, once his head is in the newspaper all you get from him for an hour is the odd grunt and angry mutter, he can be mardy and a miserable old git at times (so can I probably - we are both getting on in years!). I dread to think how quickly the rose-tinted spectacles would have been smashed if they had ever got together properly.

 

So true. There was 17 years age gap between us (again, common on this site) and I realised that what I had seen was the most energetic version of him! No matter how fit and healthy, 17 years takes it toll and it quickly became 'I'm too tired to do that', or just a fair bit of grumpiness!