Robert's Muse Posted January 11, 2015 Share Posted January 11, 2015 I have been the OW for about 18 years, on and off, mostly on. The wife has caught us several times before, and at least for the past 2 years has chosen to ignore the relationship. Things has been exceptionally great this past year with MM. I got to see him for Christmas (for a few minutes and exchange gifts) and we brought in the New Year together . It was great! Then a few days ago he had his birthday, and chose to spend it with me. Well, his wife drove to my apartment and promptly interrupted our celebration. She didn't cause a huge scene, as he went to the parking lot to talk to her. She was upset that he chose to spend his b-day with me and not with her. She said she always knew that we remained in contact but feels betrayed that he spent his b-day with me. He asked her if she wanted him to move out and she said she needed time. He came back up to my apartment and talked a bit, then he left. For the next few days she proceeded to fuss and display anger and hurt, but hasn't given him an ultimatum to stop contacting me nor has she mentioned divorce. Today she she asked him to go shopping with her like everything was normal. My MM is confused and not eating or sleeping. I gave up a long time ago on him leaving his marriage, even though they have no kids together. I've accepted that fact. But this past year has been so great with him visiting regularly and that he saw me on the holidays ( which has NEVER happened before)! I'm not ready to go back to hiding in the shadows completely. Since its obvious that he cares for us both and he's not willing to leave her or me, I came up with this bright idea (ok, maybe not so bright idea) to call the wife and respectfully request a meeting with her to talk about how we should all move forward from here. Since everything is out in the open now, I'd like it to stay that way. That way she wouldn't be getting lied to and still gets to save face by not getting a divorce. I think that maybe letting her know that I'm not trying to "steal" her husband but just share him might make the situation better. What do you guys think? Any feedback is welcomed, thanks! Link to post Share on other sites
Hope Shimmers Posted January 11, 2015 Share Posted January 11, 2015 I have been the OW for about 18 years, on and off, mostly on. The wife has caught us several times before, and at least for the past 2 years has chosen to ignore the relationship. Things has been exceptionally great this past year with MM. I got to see him for Christmas (for a few minutes and exchange gifts) and we brought in the New Year together . It was great! Then a few days ago he had his birthday, and chose to spend it with me. Well, his wife drove to my apartment and promptly interrupted our celebration. She didn't cause a huge scene, as he went to the parking lot to talk to her. She was upset that he chose to spend his b-day with me and not with her. She said she always knew that we remained in contact but feels betrayed that he spent his b-day with me. He asked her if she wanted him to move out and she said she needed time. He came back up to my apartment and talked a bit, then he left. For the next few days she proceeded to fuss and display anger and hurt, but hasn't given him an ultimatum to stop contacting me nor has she mentioned divorce. Today she she asked him to go shopping with her like everything was normal. My MM is confused and not eating or sleeping. I gave up a long time ago on him leaving his marriage, even though they have no kids together. I've accepted that fact. But this past year has been so great with him visiting regularly and that he saw me on the holidays ( which has NEVER happened before)! I'm not ready to go back to hiding in the shadows completely. Since its obvious that he cares for us both and he's not willing to leave her or me, I came up with this bright idea (ok, maybe not so bright idea) to call the wife and respectfully request a meeting with her to talk about how we should all move forward from here. Since everything is out in the open now, I'd like it to stay that way. That way she wouldn't be getting lied to and still gets to save face by not getting a divorce. I think that maybe letting her know that I'm not trying to "steal" her husband but just share him might make the situation better. What do you guys think? Any feedback is welcomed, thanks! "I got to see him for Christmas (for a few minutes and exchange gifts) and we brought in the New Year together . It was great!" After 18 years in a relationship? I think that is the saddest thing I have ever read. This is pathetically sad. I am sorry for you. 26 Link to post Share on other sites
BrokenPrincess Posted January 11, 2015 Share Posted January 11, 2015 18 years! How old are you all? Even at a more established age, I can't imagine too many women would be ok with openly agreeing to allow their husband to have a mistress, but idk, I'm in my 30s. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
GoldieLox Posted January 11, 2015 Share Posted January 11, 2015 I think that maybe letting her know that I'm not trying to "steal" her husband but just share him might make the situation better. 18 years? Too late for that. If this man has any ounce of respect for either of you, he will divorce his wife. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
uneek74 Posted January 11, 2015 Share Posted January 11, 2015 You really can't be serious to ask this woman to share her husband. You might have better luck in asking her to divorce him. Link to post Share on other sites
WonderWoman911 Posted January 11, 2015 Share Posted January 11, 2015 Woww. All of that excitement you have about you being the OW for 18 years should be used towards being grateful that his wife didn't take matters into her own hands. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Robert's Muse Posted January 11, 2015 Author Share Posted January 11, 2015 I don't need anyone to feel sorry for me. I asked for advice. If you don't agree with the the decision I made, then the problem is with you sweetheart. If you are offended by my life choice, then don't respond and spend your time doing something else. Thanks and have a good day. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Robert's Muse Posted January 11, 2015 Author Share Posted January 11, 2015 18 years? Too late for that. If this man has any ounce of respect for either of you, he will divorce his wife. Uneek, I am 34 years old. And she doesn't believe in divorce, so that's off the table. Thanks! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Robert's Muse Posted January 11, 2015 Author Share Posted January 11, 2015 Woww. All of that excitement you have about you being the OW for 18 years should be used towards being grateful that his wife didn't take matters into her own hands. Ummmmm.... and so what.... I'm so supposed to be scared???? Please. Again, people, if you have no advice on the question I'm asking, then don't respond with ignorant replies. Thanks! Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted January 11, 2015 Share Posted January 11, 2015 With all due respect, you can't say this: What do you guys think? Any feedback is welcomed, thanks! And then say this: Please. Again' date=' people, if you have no advice on the question I'm asking, then don't respond with ignorant replies. Thanks![/quote'] You asked what people think. You said that any feedback is welcomed. People think you are daft to live the way you are living. For many, it is not out of ignorance at all. Many of us here have been the spouses or partners of other who have betrayed us, so there is no ignorance in the responses; they come from being hurt by cheaters like your MM. 14 Link to post Share on other sites
MuddyFootprints Posted January 11, 2015 Share Posted January 11, 2015 I don't need anyone to feel sorry for me. I asked for advice. If you don't agree with the the decision I made' date=' then the problem is with you sweetheart. If you are offended by my life choice, then don't respond and spend your time doing something else. Thanks and have a good day.[/quote'] I suppose we should all just smile and nod. Life is short. Being back benched in a life threatening crisis will be crushing for you. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Robert's Muse Posted January 11, 2015 Author Share Posted January 11, 2015 With all due respect, you can't say this: And then say this: You asked what people think. You said that any feedback is welcomed. People think you are daft to live the way you are living. For many, it is not out of ignorance at all. Many of us here have been the spouses or partners of other who have betrayed us, so there is no ignorance in the responses; they come from being hurt by cheaters like your MM. I understand that, but I didn't cheat with THEIR respective spouses. This is supposed to be a forum for OW/OM "The Other Man / Woman The other side of the story: Support and discussion for those who find themselves involved with a committed partner." If they are offended by my lifestyle choice then why come on here? I was looking for support and advice, not be bashed. If they don't have any support or advice to give then why come to this thread? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Robert's Muse Posted January 11, 2015 Author Share Posted January 11, 2015 I suppose we should all just smile and nod. Life is short. Being back benched in a life threatening crisis will be crushing for you. No... I suppose people who don't support OW/OM shouldn't respond here. Since clearly this section is titled: The Other Man / Woman The other side of the story: Support and discussion for those who find themselves involved with a committed partner. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
MuddyFootprints Posted January 11, 2015 Share Posted January 11, 2015 Did you do any reading at all before you posted? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
beach Posted January 11, 2015 Share Posted January 11, 2015 I have a question. Why don't you think you deserve more out of life? What about kids? Do you ever plan to marry/have children of your own? Are you planning to have his baby but not marry him? 4 Link to post Share on other sites
WonderWoman911 Posted January 11, 2015 Share Posted January 11, 2015 Ummmmm.... and so what.... I'm so supposed to be scared???? Please. Again' date=' people, if you have no advice on the question I'm asking, then don't respond with ignorant replies. Thanks![/quote'] Sweetheart...You said any feedback is welcomed. If you didn't like, okay... You asked.I do find it funny how you're sooo concerned about my post, when you have EIGHTEEN years of being the OW under your belt. You're priorities are clearly out of order. "Are you supposed to be scared?".... one day you'll find that answer out for yourself. Good luck to you in life. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Robert's Muse Posted January 11, 2015 Author Share Posted January 11, 2015 This post is so full of WTF. First of all, you became the OW at age SIXTEEN?? What the ever-loving-f*ck is that about? How old is HE?? Good god, that is messed up. And two: she doesn't believe in marriage, so oopsy-daisy, guess that option's off the table?!? Um, our laws don't work that way. When it comes to marriage, you need two yeses to get in and ONE no to get out. Bottom line is that your knight in shining armor has spent the last TWO DECADES being the ultimate p*ssy - doing the minimum to keep wifey off his back while you gladly Hoover up any crumbs he deigns to drop your way. What a total and complete clusterf*ck. Actually, I was 17 and it was an emotional affair (which means non-sexual, just in case you are a little slow) until I was 20, if you must know. And are you jealous? What are you getting so upset about? Last time I checked, this was my life, not yours. Link to post Share on other sites
MuddyFootprints Posted January 11, 2015 Share Posted January 11, 2015 I really hope you get counselling. He has screwed with your head big time. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
cif Posted January 11, 2015 Share Posted January 11, 2015 Have you seen him since he left your apartment on his birthday? Any meeting with BS needs to be arranged by him. Has he said he'd like you guys to meet? If she doesn't believe in divorce she may be willing to have an open marriage. Again that is a discussion between the 2 of them not you. Have you dated other men during this time? How does MM feel about it? You are all adults. If there is no deception then you should live how you please. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Robert's Muse Posted January 11, 2015 Author Share Posted January 11, 2015 Sweetheart...You said any feedback is welcomed. If you didn't like, okay... You asked.I do find it funny how you're sooo concerned about my post, when you have EIGHTEEN years of being the OW under your belt. You're priorities are clearly out of order. "Are you supposed to be scared?".... one day you'll find that answer out for yourself. Good luck to you in life. [YAWN] The feedback I requested strictly had to do with the question I asked. This is "The Other Man / Woman The other side of the story: Support and discussion for those who find themselves involved with a committed partner." You seem a little lost, since you came on here with clearly no intention of offering any real support or advice to my question. It's obvious you just want to make yourself feel better by trying to criticize me. What's wrong...... you get cheated on???? It'll be alright, sweetie, time heals all wounds, ok? Link to post Share on other sites
sagamore Posted January 11, 2015 Share Posted January 11, 2015 Robert's Muse, entering into even a emotional affair with a seventeen year old girl (I assume he's much older, correct?) is borderline abusive. At the very least it displays very, very poor judgment on his part. Second, of course he could get divorced if he wanted to do so. He doesn't need his wife to believe in the concept. You're being played. You've been played for 18 years. And now you're proposing to call his wife for him and ask if she'll share? Wow, he has it made. What are your aspirations for your life? Do you really want to be Wife #2, without any legal or societal standing, in perpetuity? What happens if he's hospitalized and you can't come in to see him? Do you want children? And no, I'm not at all jealous. This situation sounds like absolute hell. 9 Link to post Share on other sites
MuddyFootprints Posted January 11, 2015 Share Posted January 11, 2015 Yes. Talk to her. Then hopefully you will get the answers you deserve. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted January 11, 2015 Share Posted January 11, 2015 OP, it doesn't seem like you need any advice. You are content in the situation and are only looking for guidance on approaching the wife. Well, that is a step that can only be answered by doing it and seeing how it goes. Have you suggested to the MM that you would like to talk to his wife? I'm guessing he will not want that as most people (mean and women) in affairs build upon those situations with massive lies and the lies he has told his wife and you will be bared open and compared. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Robert's Muse Posted January 11, 2015 Author Share Posted January 11, 2015 I have a question. Why don't you think you deserve more out of life? What about kids? Do you ever plan to marry/have children of your own? Are you planning to have his baby but not marry him? Hi. Yes, I have dated other people throughout my relationship with my MM. No, I never wanted to get married or have kids. When you say "more out of life" do you mean marriage and kids? Some people may find this hard to believe but not every on wants the same things out life. Link to post Share on other sites
beach Posted January 11, 2015 Share Posted January 11, 2015 Hi. Yes' date=' I have dated other people throughout my relationship with my MM. No, I never wanted to get married or have kids. When you say "more out of life" do you mean marriage and kids? Some people may find this hard to believe but not every on wants the same things out life.[/quote'] No, I meant a companion that is by your side and committed to only you. Someone who takes you out in public and on vacations, cooks with you regularly, introduces you to friends and family as the love of his life he can't live without. A man who has respect, honor, dignity and integrity by being honest. Of course everyone has different expectations - that's why I asked the question. 11 Link to post Share on other sites
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