Meeting with the Wife?

[whichwayisup]

Do your friends and family know of your 18 year affair with a married man?

[Robert's Muse]

Robert's Muse, entering into even a emotional affair with a seventeen year old girl (I assume he's much older, correct?) is borderline abusive. At the very least it displays very, very poor judgment on his part.

 

Second, of course he could get divorced if he wanted to do so. He doesn't need his wife to believe in the concept. You're being played. You've been played for 18 years. And now you're proposing to call his wife for him and ask if she'll share? Wow, he has it made.

 

What are your aspirations for your life? Do you really want to be Wife #2, without any legal or societal standing, in perpetuity? What happens if he's hospitalized and you can't come in to see him? Do you want children?

 

And no, I'm not at all jealous. This situation sounds like absolute hell.

I can see how you might think it's hell. But why would anyone PUT themselves in a hellish situation? For me, it's not hell, or I wouldn't be doing it. I never wanted to get married or have kids, so no, not looking to be wife # 2. My aspirations for my life does not revolve around a man or having his kids. I am secure in who I am and what I want out of life. I do care deeply for this man, and know his heart. He has never denied me to anyone who asks, and has always been there for me. He is my best friend. But, hey, what do I know? Let's just string him up right alongside child molesters and murders because hey, you know, he's a cheater. By the way, he's 7 years older than me. So he was 24 when we met and he's 41 now. But if you consider that being much older, then I guess I'm guilty as charged.

[beach]

So what do you want from living your life?

[WonderWoman911]

[YAWN] The feedback I requested strictly had to do with the question I asked. This is "The Other Man / Woman The other side of the story: Support and discussion for those who find themselves involved with a committed partner." You seem a little lost' date=' since you came on here with clearly no intention of offering any real support or advice to my question. It's obvious you just want to make yourself feel better by trying to criticize me. What's wrong...... you get cheated on???? It'll be alright, sweetie, time heals all wounds, ok?[/quote']

 

 

 

Awwwww:love: You're response was so sweet,lol.... Now give yourself a pat on the back. You speak about "time",you clearly have a lot of that to offer and waste. Good bye.

[MuddyFootprints]

He is stealing your youth and has robbed you of forming a healthy, drama-free relationship.

 

You are still viewing him through the eyes of a child. Your emotional growth has been stagnated.

 

I do consider him abusive.

[beach]

He is stealing your youth and has robbed you of forming a healthy, drama-free relationship.

 

You are still viewing him through the eyes of a child. Your emotional growth has been stagnated.

 

I do consider him abusive.

 

He's not stealing it when she's willingly offering it up.

 

Some victims are happy playing that role because it's all they know.

 

She's forfeiting her youth to him.

 

I'm unclear what she's trying to ask us...

 

Did you have a question OP?

[spiderowl]

Sounds a bad idea. I doubt that she married him with the intention of 'sharing' him. In her position, I think I would see your offer of a meeting to discuss sharing very insulting. She doesn't seem to want to give her husband an ultimatum but this must be hurting her. It may only be a matter of time before she decides she's had enough and boots him out.

 

She might have come to collect him to:

 

- confirm that he was with you as she suspected

- to see what his reaction was on being confronted

 

What she does now as a result of all this is anyone's guess.

[beach]

What do I think? I think he married her even while he'd known you for all the years.

 

I think it sucks for you and must be a sweet deal for him.

 

Yet all the power is laid at his wife's feet because she affects him and he affects you...so I guess that makes her decision paramount for you.

 

So indirectly you've handed HER all your power.

[Mal78]

I have been the OW for about 18 years, on and off, mostly on. The wife has caught us several times before, and at least for the past 2 years has chosen to ignore the relationship. Things has been exceptionally great this past year with MM. I got to see him for Christmas (for a few minutes and exchange gifts) and we brought in the New Year together . It was great! Then a few days ago he had his birthday, and chose to spend it with me. Well, his wife drove to my apartment and promptly interrupted our celebration. She didn't cause a huge scene, as he went to the parking lot to talk to her. She was upset that he chose to spend his b-day with me and not with her. She said she always knew that we remained in contact but feels betrayed that he spent his b-day with me. He asked her if she wanted him to move out and she said she needed time. He came back up to my apartment and talked a bit, then he left. For the next few days she proceeded to fuss and display anger and hurt, but hasn't given him an ultimatum to stop contacting me nor has she mentioned divorce. Today she she asked him to go shopping with her like everything was normal. My MM is confused and not eating or sleeping.

 

I gave up a long time ago on him leaving his marriage, even though they have no kids together. I've accepted that fact. But this past year has been so great with him visiting regularly and that he saw me on the holidays ( which has NEVER happened before)! I'm not ready to go back to hiding in the shadows completely. Since its obvious that he cares for us both and he's not willing to leave her or me, I came up with this bright idea (ok, maybe not so bright idea) to call the wife and respectfully request a meeting with her to talk about how we should all move forward from here. Since everything is out in the open now, I'd like it to stay that way. That way she wouldn't be getting lied to and still gets to save face by not getting a divorce. I think that maybe letting her know that I'm not trying to "steal" her husband but just share him might make the situation better.

 

What do you guys think? Any feedback is welcomed, thanks!

 

I would like to answer your question. You would like to call up your MM's wife/BS and respectfully request a meet to discuss perhaps the terms of this relationship or her blessing now that she is fully aware of the A you now want to bring complete honesty to the table.

 

I think it sounds like it might turn into a bit of a custody arrangement scenario (or perhaps how you envision it). This is obviously a very emotional subject for all involved. In by if she excepts your request to meet and it doesn't go well (in your eyes) you might start attacking, be hostile and basicly fling s*it because she excepted your offer to "respectfully meet" and she isn't talking/reacting in *your* interpretation of those terms then "s*it just might get real".

 

What do you want from her? Do you want her to just except this A? It sounds like that she is in that process/mindset now or she doesn't care and preparing for a D either way what do you think meeting with her will help?

[MuddyFootprints]

He's not stealing it when she's willingly offering it up.

 

Some victims are happy playing that role because it's all they know.

 

She's forfeiting her youth to him.

 

I'm unclear what she's trying to ask us...

 

Did you have a question OP?

 

It is all she knows. She was 17 when this started and who knows what came before that.

 

I still think she has been victimized and doesn't have a clue how to take her power back.

 

She has been hurt and that pain will be perpetuated unless she finds someone capable of helping her figure that out.

[MuddyFootprints]

What do I think? I think he married her even while he'd known you for all the years.

 

I think it sucks for you and must be a sweet deal for him.

 

Yet all the power is laid at his wife's feet because she affects him and he affects you...so I guess that makes her decision paramount for you.

 

So indirectly you've handed HER all your power.

 

Hmmm...verification of this scenario would change my perspective of the situation a little.

[SolG]

Hi OP :-) I don't know how you've been the OW for so long without going insane! It's driving me crazy at the four and a half year mark and I know I can't sustain it for too much longer.

 

Now to your scenario... In some cultures a wife is actively involved in the negotiations with her H's mistress to ensure all parties are clear about their roles. And in Western society, polyamory is on the rise; some like Tilda Swinton have a husband and lover and all seem to get along fine. So what you are thinking about is certainly possible and has precedent. However, it is still far from the norm.

 

Polyamory is not an open relationship. It is having more than one significant romantic partner and ALL the parties being in agreeance. (In some polyamourous couples, both the H and W have others, and everyone accepts each other.) In your case, this would mean all three of you--not just you and MMs W--sitting down and working through this possibility together. If any of do not agree, it won't work. There will just be too much emotion and hurt. This would have to be a unanimous decision.

 

While your own views may be non-traditional, do not underestimate the power of the cultural expectation of monogamy. Even if by some miracle you all do agree... Expect to be shamed and ridiculed, and for the majority of people to not understand. While you may be thick skinned enough for this, is MM? And more importantly, as she is the most innocent party in all this, is his W?

 

And that is actually an important point in all this OP. His W didn't ask for any of this. Spare a thought for the fact that the more openness you and MM indulge in, the more shame and hurt she may feel. I know you love and want your MM, and I assume you are unwilling to walk away regardless of the knowledge that you are hurting others (as am I). If you must wreak havoc, at least try to minimise the damage and have at least some regard for his W's dignity in all of this.

 

I say don't call his W. First have a long discussion about this with MM.

[Poppy47]

I think you need to have a round table conference with MM and his wife and work out an arrangement.

 

Poppy

[Bootsie]

...

 

What do you guys think? Any feedback is welcomed, thanks!

 

...the problem is with you sweetheart. If you are offended by my life choice' date=' then don't respond and spend your time doing something else. Thanks and have a good day.[/quote']

 

Ummmmm.... and so what.... I'm so supposed to be scared???? Please. Again' date=' people, if you have no advice on the question I'm asking, then don't respond with ignorant replies. Thanks![/quote']

 

...If they don't have any support or advice to give then why come to this thread?

 

No... I suppose people who don't support OW/OM shouldn't respond here. ...

 

Actually' date=' ... just in case you are a little slow) ...And are you jealous? What are you getting so upset about? Last time I checked, this was my life, not yours.[/quote']

 

[YAWN] ...It's obvious you just want to make yourself feel better by trying to criticize me. What's wrong...... you get cheated on???? It'll be alright' date=' sweetie, time heals all wounds, ok?[/quote']

 

Hmm...so you asked the posters what we think and for our feedback, and then in your next few posts you're rude and nasty to those whose feedback and comments you don't like. You also tell everyone who can and can't post on this forum when it's not up to you.

 

 

I suggest you contact the wife and if you're the same with her as you've been with us ... well, please let us know how it goes?

[Cressida]

To the initial poster of this threat, the lady who's been in a relationship with a MM for 18 years-

 

Why isn't he divorcing a wife he doesn't even have children with? Usually that's the top excuse as it does bring forth enormous difficulties and guilt. But in your MM's case, there is no such thing. What keeps him yoked to his wife other than kids, which are non-existent, particularly as you have been with him for so long?

 

I think you might have fallen into the pitfall of 'not asking' and 'not demanding' anything for yourself and basically being 'too good'....and he took it for granted and gave you just whatever it was that he knew could get away with.

 

This isn't a good arrangement for you, as it's clear you are in pain, that's why you approached this forum. I understand your heartbreak, as I was there as well. But what is it that you want from him and your relationship?

 

I believe it's way past time you gave him an ultimatum and walked away if he doesn't give you what you need. It's hard to understand why a man wouldn't make up his mind over 18 years' time...really.

 

I once met this lady on a plane, she was 45 traveling with her MM, he was sitting a few rows in front of us (I was sitting next to her), and from one thing to another we ended up discussing our lives (chatty girls here, haha!) and she told me she'd been in a relationship with him since she was 28. He burned her best years, basically, because she allowed it to happen...she was now 45, with no prospects, no family, no partner, just tailgating after this man..who of course had a family he never left. She even said that he had never spent the night at her place all those years....

 

Don't become this woman....walk away before it's too late.

[darkmoon]

i am not sure if this is his first time of playing away, the wife has accepted that her entertaining and good-looking (2 of you want him) husband gets the girls

 

OP had he ever been unfaithful before he met you?

[elaine567]

I have been the OW for about 18 years, on and off, mostly on. The wife has caught us several times before, and at least for the past 2 years has chosen to ignore the relationship. Things has been exceptionally great this past year with MM. I got to see him for Christmas (for a few minutes and exchange gifts) and we brought in the New Year together . It was great! Then a few days ago he had his birthday, and chose to spend it with me. Well, his wife drove to my apartment and promptly interrupted our celebration. She didn't cause a huge scene, as he went to the parking lot to talk to her. She was upset that he chose to spend his b-day with me and not with her. She said she always knew that we remained in contact but feels betrayed that he spent his b-day with me. He asked her if she wanted him to move out and she said she needed time. He came back up to my apartment and talked a bit, then he left. For the next few days she proceeded to fuss and display anger and hurt, but hasn't given him an ultimatum to stop contacting me nor has she mentioned divorce. Today she she asked him to go shopping with her like everything was normal. My MM is confused and not eating or sleeping.

 

I gave up a long time ago on him leaving his marriage, even though they have no kids together. I've accepted that fact. But this past year has been so great with him visiting regularly and that he saw me on the holidays ( which has NEVER happened before)! I'm not ready to go back to hiding in the shadows completely. Since its obvious that he cares for us both and he's not willing to leave her or me, I came up with this bright idea (ok, maybe not so bright idea) to call the wife and respectfully request a meeting with her to talk about how we should all move forward from here. Since everything is out in the open now, I'd like it to stay that way. That way she wouldn't be getting lied to and still gets to save face by not getting a divorce. I think that maybe letting her know that I'm not trying to "steal" her husband but just share him might make the situation better.

 

What do you guys think? Any feedback is welcomed, thanks!

 

YOU have obviously lived in this cosy world with you and the MM for the past 18 years. It has become your normality and you and he are a team in your eyes.

The wife usually doesn't intrude.

The husband got a bit too confident and chose to spend his b-day with you and she staked her claim, came to your apartment, and he went home with his tail between his legs.

Given the choice, he choose her, that is important.

He is upset and confused because he doesn't want to lose her I guess.

 

You, buoyed up with the situation (a few minutes on Xmas day and his b'day) now feel you have power and now want to stake YOUR claim by being "Oh so adult" and speaking to the wife.

 

I feel you may set yourself up for a fall here, because when outed by the wife, he chose to go with her, he didn't take your side, he took her side and left hangdog with her.

IF you push this, I doubt she wil be very accomodating, as she knows she has the upper hand. She then may be so indignant by your nerve in coming to see her, that she will then force him to choose.

As he is weak and has not left before, I guess, if he has to choose, he will choose to stay with her and dump you.

I guess, he will only come to you, if she throws him out. Sorry!

[Friskyone4u]

I don't think if you talk to his wife it will accomplish much. She may agree to one thing today and get pissed and change her mind the next day since she is obviously not all there mentally. Forget about your motivations. No one should bash you if his idiot wife is willing to put up with this for so long why should he change anything. She apparently is fine with it for the most part.

If benders not divorce her she will always have more leverage no matter what agreement you come to.

I think to an extent what you have done is kind of honest in that it appears you have not entered into marriage or committed relationship with another man and continued to cheat with your MM. If you have done that then I would say you deserved to be "bashed" . Otherwise , if you want to spend your life as a mistress that is your right to choose.

There is no cheating here anymore because she knows who you are and where you live. His wife is an idiot but that is not your problem.

[bathtub-row]

Honestly, I'm trying to figure out what's wrong with his wife. Talk about denial! I love the "I don't believe in divorce" thing. Perfect excuse for putting up with a cheating husband. The thing is, the husband isn't bound to her beliefs so I don't understand why he's still there.

 

As for you, OP, I wouldn't advise talking to his wife. I just think it's a bad idea. It's enough that she has had this affair thrown in her face. What could you possibly say to her to make things better? Now that Robert's wife is aware that he's cheating, it may work itself out where he just naturally starts spending more and more time with you.

 

I agree, also, that this forum isn't intended for embittered spouses who have been cheated on. It's meant to be a safe haven for people in affairs.

[whatatangledweb]

I don't think you talking to her is a good idea at all. While some spouses will look the other way and ignore affairs, they don't want it in their faces. That meeting could go very badly for you. If you like things as they are then do not do it.

Does he tell his wife you are just a friend? I'm thinking he has not told her that he has been having an affair all these years.

[SoleMate]

Since its obvious that he cares for us both and he's not willing to leave her or me, I came up with this.....idea........to call the wife and respectfully request a meeting with her to talk about how we should all move forward from here.

If a meeting occurs, it must be 3-way. The MM is the apex of this triangle and the chief decision maker, so any agreement reached without his full agreement will be in effective.

 

Since everything is out in the open now.....

But it really isn't. There are still many unanswered questions, including everyone's intentions, and why people are all choosing to stay in what seems like a pointless triangle.

 

.....I'd like it to stay [out in the open]. That way she wouldn't be getting lied to and still gets to save face by not getting a divorce.

Regardless how open you are with the wife, it is likely her husband will continue to lie to her.

 

I think that maybe letting her know that I'm not trying to "steal" her husband but just share him might make the situation better.

I don't see any way to make that claim believable. You know your own heart, but she doesn't. You also don't know how future events may affect you, such as a health crisis, job change, or move.

 

The situation is just.....unstable, unsatisfying. And I am deeply concerned that this admitted cheater and liar may have been the only man your heart has ever been set on.

 

You're not satisfied with the lies and secrecy....that's why you posted. Unfortunately, no words can change this MM. He would have to want to stop lying and keeping you in the shadows, himself. The only effective meeting would be the one he calls and chairs. Wishing you the best.

[irishguy]

What will you do if his wife has finally had enough of her husband cheating and gives him an ultimatum , pick her or you ,he is married to her so he might pick his wife over his mistress .

[eye of the storm]

While I agree this is a forum for OW/OM. And should be reasonably safe to post here. I think the BSs give valid view points. Sometimes when we are in the fog of the A we forget there is an innocent bystander.

 

I don't think anyone, even those for whom the WS left the M for them, will state that getting involved in an A is smart or healthy.

 

I agree with the posters who feel the OP is looking at this with a twisted perspective. Her MM has convinced her that he can't leave the M. To the point where she no longer cares. When the BS came over he left to be with his W (choosing the W over the OW) and the OP wants to talk to the W and get her permission to still sleep with the MM.

 

I highly doubt it will go the way you want. The BS is living in denial. And for all appearances is happy to live there. But talking to you and agreeing to your wants means she has to acknowledge the A and accept the A. It is not going to happen. And if you push her too far, she will react and put her foot down and your 18 year fantasy will go poof.

 

The MM has shown multiple times that he chooses her over you. It sounds like you have been ok with that for 18 years and that is something he relies on. If you start pushing too hard, you will become inconvenient to him also. So he might dump you for himself and not just for her.

[jellybean89]

Once again, why must the wife be the one to issue ultimatums?

 

The MM loves the wife or he would have left.

 

Instead, he has a mistress who accepts little time with him.

 

Now the mistress thinks she can "have a meeting" with the wife and discuss bed sharing?

 

The most important thing here is the MM left to go to his wife after the wife discovered where he was. I would bet a bag of chips that the MM has minimized the mistress and claims she is just a friend, a friend who keeps trying to get him to sleep with her and he was humoring her cause she wanted to give him a gift.

 

The OP herself said for 18 years, he never bothered to spend holidays with her...and even though he stopped by for a few min on Chrisrmas day, that doesn't equal spending the holiday with her.

 

Go ahead and call her to have a meeting...let us know what MM thinks of this plan. If he ever wanted to strike a sharing agreement, he would have initiated that somewhere along the 18 long years you have been a mistress.

 

You claim you know his heart...I bet his wife says the same thing. He shares his days and nights with her...and offers you "minutes". He had made a life with her, for 18 years, and you have accepted being the hidden mistress. I don't see that changing anytime soon. MM proved where his "loyalties" lie when he went home to her & because he has been distant and upset since her discovery. How you turn that into going public and bed sharing...I don't see why you would even think MM would go along with this.

[Baby123]

Once again, why must the wife be the one to issue ultimatums?

 

The MM loves the wife or he would have left.

 

Instead, he has a mistress who accepts little time with him.

 

Now the mistress thinks she can "have a meeting" with the wife and discuss bed sharing?

 

The most important thing here is the MM left to go to his wife after the wife discovered where he was. I would bet a bag of chips that the MM has minimized the mistress and claims she is just a friend, a friend who keeps trying to get him to sleep with her and he was humoring her cause she wanted to give him a gift.

 

The OP herself said for 18 years, he never bothered to spend holidays with her...and even though he stopped by for a few min on Chrisrmas day, that doesn't equal spending the holiday with her.

 

Go ahead and call her to have a meeting...let us know what MM thinks of this plan. If he ever wanted to strike a sharing agreement, he would have initiated that somewhere along the 18 long years you have been a mistress.

 

You claim you know his heart...I bet his wife says the same thing. He shares his days and nights with her...and offers you "minutes". He had made a life with her, for 18 years, and you have accepted being the hidden mistress. I don't see that changing anytime soon. MM proved where his "loyalties" lie when he went home to her & because he has been distant and upset since her discovery. How you turn that into going public and bed sharing...I don't see why you would even think MM would go along with this.

 

I disagree with this- this man has no loyalty towards either woman. He has cheated on the BS since day one of there marriage and has no regard for the other woman either and has never considered that she should be having her own family and own life. Neither woman wins.

 

 

What I do think is that OP is living in a fantasy- I think if he BS was open to the idea of sharing the WS would have coined the idea by now.