Meeting with the Wife?

[truncated]

you've been with this guy for 18 years and you are 34? thatw ould ahve made you 16 when the affair started, and I assume he was old enough to be married at the time.

 

OP, that's just wrong. You got with him so young and you don't know anything else for yourself, and no offense, but it also sounds like you ahve sero experince with an adult style relationship ( your affair is NOT one) Get some counseling for yourself and make your life better.

 

I won't tell you how I feel about the mm, as you wouldn't listen, but suffice it to say it's not positive.

[Babs22]

OP, wow 18 years as the OW. That is a very long time and I am not sure how you have done it. I am an OW, we are both married and I have two teenage sons and he has no children. Our relationship is 2 years and not being with the man I love is so difficult. I am not sure I could continue what I am doing for one more year, let alone 18 years. At some point, I feel like we either need to decide we will be together or we won't. If it is the later then I feel we should both walk away from each other. In your case, no husband, no children, I would be so incredibly lonely when he was not around. How do you deal with that?

 

Anyway, your original question, should you meet with the wife?

I would say, only if the MM knows you are doing it and agrees to it. If you have a meeting without his blessing, it will backfire BIG time. I could see him being very angry about that. If you suggest a meeting and he says no, then definitely do not meet with the wife. You have been ok with how this relationship is for 18 years. Why would you need to change anything now? He comes to see you and spends time with you, whether she agrees to it or not. Why does a change need to occur?

 

I'm pretty sure if you ask MM about meeting with wife, he will say NO.

I agree with something SoIG said...........

"And that is actually an important point in all this OP. His W didn't ask for any of this. Spare a thought for the fact that the more openness you and MM indulge in, the more shame and hurt she may feel. I know you love and want your MM, and I assume you are unwilling to walk away regardless of the knowledge that you are hurting others (as am I). If you must wreak havoc, at least try to minimise the damage and have at least some regard for his W's dignity in all of this."

 

This is a valid point. She already has knowledge of you. How long has she known? She has been willing to stay with him knowing he is having an affair. I do think you need to think about not causing any more pain on the wife than has already been done. If she chooses to stay in her relationship with her husband, that is her choice. I would try to stay out of their relationship.

 

18 years without a full time committed partner seems so lonely. I really hope you can someday be in a relationship with a man who is committed to you.

[jellybean89]

I disagree with this- this man has no loyalty towards either woman. He has cheated on the BS since day one of there marriage and has no regard for the other woman either and has never considered that she should be having her own family and own life. Neither woman wins.

 

 

What I do think is that OP is living in a fantasy- I think if he BS was open to the idea of sharing the WS would have coined the idea by now.

 

Agree that he respects no one but himself but his loyalty through his actions has been to the wife.

[elaine567]

Seems some seem to think the wife is mad or mentally unstable for putting up with this, but perhaps she is in almost the exact state of mind that the OP is in. She knows he has another woman and doesn't let that intrude into their relationship, because she gets more out of the relationship than she would living alone. It is a pragmatic solution.

She, though, has him most of the time, and perhaps that is enough for her to stay in the marriage.

Also some people refuse to see things that are staring them in the face, they choose to believe incredible stories because the truth is just to painful to face up to, and/or the MM may indeed be very good at lying and covering up his mistakes...

[anika99]

I came up with this bright idea (ok, maybe not so bright idea) to call the wife and respectfully request a meeting with her to talk about how we should all move forward from here. Since everything is out in the open now, I'd like it to stay that way. That way she wouldn't be getting lied to and still gets to save face by not getting a divorce. I think that maybe letting her know that I'm not trying to "steal" her husband but just share him might make the situation better.

 

What do you guys think? Any feedback is welcomed, thanks!

 

I actually liked this part of your post as it sounds like you just want to get everything out in the open and stop the lies and sneaking around. I see no problem with that but are you really ready to hear what the wife has to say? I suspect that what she knows about you and your affair is only the lies her husband feeds her. You think she knows all about the affair and has already accepted it but you may be way off base. Who knows what lengths your MM has gone to in order to keep her hanging onto him? Who knows what lies he has told her to make it sound like you are insignificant to him?

 

 

You may think she'd have to be stupid to not know the truth but maybe she loves him and that clouds her vision. You should understand that as obviously your judgement has also been impaired by your love for him. You accept that he's not going to get divorced because his wife doesn't believe in divorce. Most clear headed rational women would never accept such a lame excuse to be kept as a mistress for 18 yrs. His wife doesn't have to believe in divorce for him to divorce her. Most people who get divorced had a spouse who didn't want to be divorced or they themselves didn't want to be divorced.

 

 

I see a couple of posters have chosen to take shots at the wife. One called her an idiot and another wondered what is wrong with her for putting up with this. It's nice that you did not attack the BW and it sounds like you really want to get things out in the open and for her to know the truth. In this situation that might not be a bad idea but as I said in the beginning the wife may have some truths to tell you as well. I doubt the conversation will go as you expect. If you decide to talk to her you have to go into it knowing that you can't control the outcome. You can't approach her with the same hostility and defensiveness that you have shown here as that would almost guarantee a horrible outcome. If you talk to her you have to be willing to hear what she has to say. If you think you can do that then I say go for it.

[elaine567]

it sounds like you really want to get things out in the open and for her to know the truth. In this situation that might not be a bad idea but as I said in the beginning the wife may have some truths to tell you as well. I doubt the conversation will go as you expect.

 

This^^^^

 

Yes, she may have some stories to tell that the OP may not want to hear.

[Realist3]

I don't think you talking to her is a good idea at all. While some spouses will look the other way and ignore affairs, they don't want it in their faces. That meeting could go very badly for you. If you like things as they are then do not do it.

Does he tell his wife you are just a friend? I'm thinking he has not told her that he has been having an affair all these years.

 

Agree with this 100%.

 

By requesting this meeting you are placing yourself on equal footing with her. You aren't on equal footing, not even just a little bit. You would be throwing it all in her face. Whatever arrangement comes about will have to be between him and her, not you and her. My hunch is that if you did have this meeting you would find yourself out of his life for good.

[whichwayisup]

Agree with this 100%.

 

By requesting this meeting you are placing yourself on equal footing with her. You aren't on equal footing, not even just a little bit. You would be throwing it all in her face. Whatever arrangement comes about will have to be between him and her, not you and her. My hunch is that if you did have this meeting you would find yourself out of his life for good.

 

I agree with this.

 

And, if you want honesty and everything out in the open then you must include her husband/your MM in this discussion. No way should you go speak to her one on one! Seems like you were gonna go back your MM's back and do this and not tell him?

[Cressida]

Seriously y'all.....to have a meeting with the wife? To 'tell her' how 'things are', because she 'needs to know'? I can't find the words for how wrong this is...

 

First off, it's been 18 years, not months, of a parallel relationship. The OW might think (and it can be easily understood why) she has some 'footing' in her MM's life as the time they spent together in an affair is a lifetime, it's 18 years, not 2, 3 or 5. That's a tremendous amount of time.

 

However, the simple fact that he went on with the arrangement and they decided this way together, both the MM as well as the OW, doesn't mean that the wife knows! Or that she approves!!!

 

Tell her that she doesn't want to take the MM, just 'share' him??? is that....normal? Should that be reassuring for the wife? I would seriously consider the person who tells me such a thing, as a lunatic, someone with a mental condition, honestly now. Who does that, what kind of woman comes out and asks for 'half of a man' to have as her own?

 

Most probably the wife has no idea about the length of the affair and is suspicious at most....to ask a woman to share her husband? Because it's the right thing for her to know that he's having an affair?

 

I never understood how can some people, OW particularly, claim that the 'being honest' part in the whole affair dynamic is to tell the betrayed spouses themselves that there's something going on. As if it's their 'duty' to open the BS's eyes!!!

 

This is the husband's role, which he should play. He should tell his wife that he has someone else, that he wishes to have a sort of a marital arrangement with her, or however such a thing could be worded. It is not the OW's place to strike deals with a spouse in the absence of the MM or his approval. This is just mind-boggling.......why do people even get these ideas???

 

I was an OW and i would have never considered, in a million years, to go and tell my exMM's wife about her husband's shenanigans....that was between me and him, and as 'shameful' as it was (or whatever term you wish to use to describe an affair), at the end of the day I had to reason to involve a woman who had no idea about the whole thing just because I would ever consider it the 'right thing' to do...it is for him to decide, not for the OW. What good can come out of that????

 

Next thing you know, the OW calls a lawyer and files for divorce on his behalf. Go figure.

[MissBee]

I have been the OW for about 18 years, on and off, mostly on. The wife has caught us several times before, and at least for the past 2 years has chosen to ignore the relationship. Things has been exceptionally great this past year with MM. I got to see him for Christmas (for a few minutes and exchange gifts) and we brought in the New Year together . It was great! Then a few days ago he had his birthday, and chose to spend it with me. Well, his wife drove to my apartment and promptly interrupted our celebration. She didn't cause a huge scene, as he went to the parking lot to talk to her. She was upset that he chose to spend his b-day with me and not with her. She said she always knew that we remained in contact but feels betrayed that he spent his b-day with me. He asked her if she wanted him to move out and she said she needed time. He came back up to my apartment and talked a bit, then he left. For the next few days she proceeded to fuss and display anger and hurt, but hasn't given him an ultimatum to stop contacting me nor has she mentioned divorce. Today she she asked him to go shopping with her like everything was normal. My MM is confused and not eating or sleeping.

 

I gave up a long time ago on him leaving his marriage, even though they have no kids together. I've accepted that fact. But this past year has been so great with him visiting regularly and that he saw me on the holidays ( which has NEVER happened before)! I'm not ready to go back to hiding in the shadows completely. Since its obvious that he cares for us both and he's not willing to leave her or me, I came up with this bright idea (ok, maybe not so bright idea) to call the wife and respectfully request a meeting with her to talk about how we should all move forward from here. Since everything is out in the open now, I'd like it to stay that way. That way she wouldn't be getting lied to and still gets to save face by not getting a divorce. I think that maybe letting her know that I'm not trying to "steal" her husband but just share him might make the situation better.

 

What do you guys think? Any feedback is welcomed, thanks!

 

And when you think you've heard it all...

 

I think your MM is lame. Lame and cowardly and is fortunate to have two women who are willing to put up with him. I'm not trying to be rude here, but that's how it comes off. It should NEVER be the BS or the OW's jobs to talk to each other and come up with a sharing plan...wtf??? If the MM wants an open sharing plan it should be HIS duty to try to set that up not yours. He's never tried to do it, so what does that mean? I don't think the OW should be brokering any deals with the wife about her marriage. Come on.

 

To your credit, I get you've been doing this for almost 20 years and are probably too involved to leave or know heads from tails so just want to work something out where you don't need to hide. I get it. But that isn't your job. It's HIS and if he hasn't done it and doesn't want to do it....what do you think that makes him?

 

I'd suggest the sit down to him and have him orchestrate it and if you all sit down and decide to share great. But I personally wouldn't be the one to try to meet up with his wife. I mean...come on....she knows of you but doesn't know you, you are not friends obviously and the MM is what connects you, so it's clear to me that this is his to deal with and if he is unwilling...I'd rethink what makes his ass so great that you're willing to be the one to jump through all the hoops. Some men have all the luck it seems!

Edited January 11, 2015 by MissBee

[gettingstronger]

You were 16 when this started? Were you their babysitter or a family friend? How did you become involved with a MM at 16? This may sound off topic, but I think its relevant to your mindset and how you ended up where you are now. I am wondering if you have been conditioned to accept this and now the idea of a meeting is just your first step towards thinking for yourself and breaking free from years of abuse by this man.

[elaine567]

It all seems very sad to me. Being an OW since the age of 16 to 34.

[Sub]

Not that it really matters, but she said she was 17 when the EA started. What I think is that she's known the MM since then, and considers herself an "OW" for that long. Reality may be that she was a sweet kid to him when she was younger, he realized he could get some when she became a woman, and he's still selling her as that "little sister" type to his W.

[elaine567]

Not that it really matters, but she said she was 17 when the EA started. What I think is that she's known the MM since then, and considers herself an "OW" for that long. Reality may be that she was a sweet kid to him when she was younger, he realized he could get some when she became a woman, and he's still selling her as that "little sister" type to his W.

 

OK, I just did the maths 34-18 =16

[Poppy47]

I think the Muse hath fled the thread.

 

Poppy.

[jellybean89]

You may think she'd have to be stupid to not know the truth but maybe she loves him and that clouds her vision. You should understand that as obviously your judgement has also been impaired by your love for him. You accept that he's not going to get divorced because his wife doesn't believe in divorce. Most clear headed rational women would never accept such a lame excuse to be kept as a mistress for 18 yrs. His wife doesn't have to believe in divorce for him to divorce her. Most people who get divorced had a spouse who didn't want to be divorced or they themselves didn't want to be divorced.

 

Agree ^^^

 

 

This is the husband's role, which he should play. He should tell his wife that he has someone else, that he wishes to have a sort of a marital arrangement with her, or however such a thing could be worded. It is not the OW's place to strike deals with a spouse in the absence of the MM or his approval. This is just mind-boggling.......why do people even get these ideas???

 

 

Agree ^^^^

[sidney2718]

Uneek' date=' I am 34 years old. And she doesn't believe in divorce, so that's off the table. Thanks![/quote']

 

You were SIXTEEN when you first got involved with him? How old is he?

[sidney2718]

Hi. Yes' date=' I have dated other people throughout my relationship with my MM. No, I never wanted to get married or have kids. When you say "more out of life" do you mean marriage and kids? Some people may find this hard to believe but not every on wants the same things out life.[/quote']

 

Forgive me for asking questions, but I can't give advice based on the scanty amount of information we have.

 

So you met him at 18 and you did not get physical until you were 20. Was he married when he met you at 18? When did he get married? Yes, it matters.

 

If he married before you met him, he's cheated on his wife through most of his marriage.

 

If he married after you met him, why? Why didn't he marry you?

 

I also note that he doesn't seem to mind if you have other (temporary, I assume) relationships? I assume that you've had sex with some of them. That's also interesting. And since he can divorce her whether she wants a divorce or not, he doesn't seem too anxious to become single.

 

From what little I know I gather that his wife is aware of the situation but does not (for some reason) mind as long as he doesn't flaunt it in her face. And I gather that he's happy with both you and his wife. Further, he seems to recognize that he can't satisfy all your emotional needs because of his wife, so he is quite willing for you to see others.

 

And you seem to have been happy with the status quo up until this year when, for a brief time, it looked to you as if you might get more of him. Is that the thing that stirred the pot?

 

I gather that what you want in the end is to have the man to yourself. As far as you are concerned, that would be a good solution, right?

 

And I gather that what his wife wants is to keep what shreds of marriage she can, but she'd likely love it if you were to vanish off the face of the earth? Am I correct as far as you know?

 

And I gather that the man in the picture is quite happy having two possibly hot women give themselves to him? No loss for him there.

 

So giving you advice depends on a number of things. I and I think others, need your information on the things I've asked. And we need your outlook on the things I've guessed at.

[cif]

Thought i read she didn't want an exclusive relationship with MM but just to get the BW to be ok with the A somehow? Maybe she will come back and answer all these questions.

[solostand]

YOU think its out in the open, but I bet his wife has a completely different scenario.

 

Its true you may have been caught communicating, but I am betting she has NO IDEA of the true extent of your relatioship.

 

I don't think its a good idea to meet with her because she would be blindsided by the entire 18 year affair and the extent of it. She is choosing to live in denial and though you thinks she knows the truth, she does not.

 

I mean if you want him, fight for him, but be ready to lose.

[Lurkeraspect]

YOU think its out in the open, but I bet his wife has a completely different scenario.

 

Its true you may have been caught communicating, but I am betting she has NO IDEA of the true extent of your relatioship.

 

I don't think its a good idea to meet with her because she would be blindsided by the entire 18 year affair and the extent of it. She is choosing to live in denial and though you thinks she knows the truth, she does not.

 

I mean if you want him, fight for him, but be ready to lose.

 

Perhaps the BS is or isn't living in denial. Perhaps she doesn't know anything. To me, it's obvious (based on the OP) that this MM is at best a groomer and at worst a pedofile. And the OP is sad and (if true) damaged.

 

Not so sure this whole thread isn't a ruse to inflame all sides seeing as the OP has left the building.

 

Irregardless, please OP, have an open and frank discussion with this mans wife. She'd likely appreciate the intel, and it just may give you some clue into his perv personality. Therapy might not be a bad idea too.

[the_artist_1970]

"I got to see him for Christmas (for a few minutes and exchange gifts) and we brought in the New Year together . It was great!"

 

After 18 years in a relationship? I think that is the saddest thing I have ever read.

 

This is pathetically sad. I am sorry for you.

 

Yes, so sad. I feel so sorry for the OP. Just sad.

[No Limit]

The longest I heard about was a 13-year-affair... record broken.

 

Are you sure you want to give up your life for a guy who doesn't care about you? Have you never dreamed about a man that loves you, to start a family with?

[beach]

The OP has choices - yet she still chooses to be his OW.

 

It shows more about her than him.

 

OP - have you ever done counseling and addressed your affair in therapy?

[purplesorrow]

I think she is just satisfied that their relationship is open... Then everyone can choose can't they?

 

Everyone can already choose. Therein lies the problem, none of them are.