Living in a 'ZERO' sex marriage

[stranger_keta]

Hi everyone,

I and my wife have been married for almost two years. We have not yet consummated our marriage. She says that she feels a kind of pain whenever i try to penetrate her.

The main problem here is her complete disinterest in sex. She doesnot bother to follow any tips provided by the Doctor. Moreever, she thinks I am a crazy guy who thinks only of sex. She asks me," Did you marry only for Sex?" . God knows how am i to answer that.She doesnot try to relieve me in any way . She doesnot even let me masturbate in the heat of moment. I have asked her to atleast play with my inner parts if she doesnot want to have sex but she never does. She thinks that because of masturbation before marriage, i have become a sex desiring person.

I just dont know what to do. Talking to her and trying to put some sense into her is not possible as she is not ready to listen at all. I am frustrated guys. Every night after she sleeps, i go to bathroom and masturbate. A point has reached that i no longer find her appealing actually.

Sometimes, i think of divorcing her but my conscience doesnot let me do that. I feel so guilty of myself about thinking to divorce.

Just tell me what do do guys......

[WhatYouWantToHear]

Run, pack a bag this minute and run from this relationship.

 

How do people get into situations like this. Did this not come up before you got married? Did she lie to you about what sex was going to be like? Again, run--fast, far and soon.

[LoveMyCat]

Hi everyone,

I and my wife have been married for almost two years. We have not yet consummated our marriage. She says that she feels a kind of pain whenever i try to penetrate her.

The main problem here is her complete disinterest in sex. She doesnot bother to follow any tips provided by the Doctor. Moreever, she thinks I am a crazy guy who thinks only of sex. She asks me," Did you marry only for Sex?" . God knows how am i to answer that.She doesnot try to relieve me in any way . She doesnot even let me masturbate in the heat of moment. I have asked her to atleast play with my inner parts if she doesnot want to have sex but she never does. She thinks that because of masturbation before marriage, i have become a sex desiring person.

I just dont know what to do. Talking to her and trying to put some sense into her is not possible as she is not ready to listen at all. I am frustrated guys. Every night after she sleeps, i go to bathroom and masturbate. A point has reached that i no longer find her appealing actually.

Sometimes, i think of divorcing her but my conscience doesnot let me do that. I feel so guilty of myself about thinking to divorce.

Just tell me what do do guys......

 

There is nothing normal about not having consummated a two-year marriage, unless it was an agreement pre-marriage, and it does not sound that way. Had you talked about having children at any point? Does she not want any? Sex is an important part of marriage and in part, why mine is ending. My husband and I had not had sex in a few years by then. It just kind of...ended. Both of us had health issues but not enough to prevent any sex, ever. We could not seem to talk about it. It is not why we ultimately split, but I am sure it did not help.

 

If she is going to stick to her stand, you might qualify for an annulment, as if you had never been married at all. Talk to a lawyer.

[whichwayisup]

Yup get an annulment.

 

People marry for love and hopefully for life, and a marriage does include intimacy which involves sex. You can't live your life with a woman who won't ever let you touch her or she not touch you. Already resentments are built up, imagine your life 10 years from now!

 

It is possible your wife is asexual? Or a lesbian?

[almond]

Echoing what other posters have said.

 

 

 

Run.

[CarrieT]

Annul, annul, annul...

[Ralph79]

Keta,

 

Before agreeing with everyone else, I would like to ask you several things:

 

1. Have you done anything to please her sexually? You never once mentioned if you actually take the time for foreplay and stuff. Your post was all me, me, me. Does she let you touch her?

 

2. She does not let you masturbate in the heat of the moment? What do you mean by this? What "moments" are there if she doesn't touch you or is completely disinterested in sex? Or are you exaggerating a bit? (We tend to do that sometimes).

 

3. I can see a lot of possibilities. She could have insecurity issues, she could not feel attracted to you, thus penetration attempts are painful because she is not lubricated. Or she could have Psychological issues that require a Sex Therapist. How long did you date her before marrying and did she seem more interested in sex back then, or was it the same?

 

If she is as apathetic towards sex and you have stated, then you need to draw a line and say this is a deal breaker for you. You probably love her, that's why you married her and are here to get advice to see what you can do to "fix" this issue. So if you REALLY want to make this work, my advice is go see a Sex Therapist first.

 

That being said. You don't have kids, you've only been in this relationship two years. If you don't feel too strong of a bond to her, cut your loses short and part ways. Life will be so much easier with someone sexually compatible with you.

[oldshirt]

Assuming this is even for real and not some kind of prank, how on earth did you two even get together and why on earth did you even consider marrying this person?? Was this an arranged marriage from the Mideast or something?

 

 

Anyway assuming this for real I have a few questions and comments in bold below in response to what you wrote and will also have some more thoughts at the bottom at the end.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Hi everyone,

I and my wife have been married for almost two years.

 

 

besides begging and whining what have either of you done to try to fix this? Have you seen a doctor or a therapist or marriage counselor etc etc???

 

 

 

 

 

 

We have not yet consummated our marriage. She says that she feels a kind of pain whenever i try to penetrate her.

 

 

was she aroused and wet?? If not, then you need to learn about female arousal and foreplay etc.

If she was. intercourse should never be painful and often is the result of some kind of medical problem. She should see a doctor ASAP. Some of the conditions that cause painful intercourse are serious.

 

 

 

 

 

 

The main problem here is her complete disinterest in sex.

 

 

There are entire books written about this. This could be from some kind of hormonal imbalance, medical condition, medications, psychological issue, an affair with another man/men, but most often it is a lack of sexual attraction to you or some kind of relationship issue that is keeping her from feeling connected to you.

 

 

 

 

She doesnot bother to follow any tips provided by the Doctor.

 

 

What are these "tips", what are the issues that she saw the doctor for?

 

 

 

 

Moreever, she thinks I am a crazy guy who thinks only of sex.

 

 

She's going to be in for a rude awakening after the divorce then but ALL men are interested in sex and none of them will have her around if she truly is asexual.

(the chances are though is that this is an issue with her lack of attraction for you and she would be a horny porn star with someone else.)

 

 

 

 

She asks me," Did you marry only for Sex?" .

 

 

Women think a guy is only interested in sex when she isn't interested in sex with him at all.

 

 

 

 

God knows how am i to answer that.

 

 

YOU ANSWER THAT BY BEING UPFRONT THAT WHILE SEX IS NOT THE "ONLY THING", IT IS A KEY COMPONENT WITHOUT WHICH IT IS NOT A REAL MARRIAGE AND ONLY A ROOMMATE ARRANGEMENT. YOU ARE WITHIN YOUR RIGHT TO HAVE A REAL MARRIAGE AND TO REJECT A ROOMMATE ARRANGEMENT AND THEREFOR ARE JUSTIFIED IN DIVORCING HER AND FINDING SOMEONE ELSE AND HAVING A REAL MARRIAGE WITH ANOTHER PERSON.

 

 

 

 

She doesnot try to relieve me in any way .

 

 

you are within your right to dissolve the marriage. period.

Now that being said, you are obligated to try to address and correct the issues that are preventing her from wanting to be with you. But if you have addressed those issues and did your sincere best to accomidate her and she still doesn't put forth any effort, then you are perfectly within your right to dissolve the marriage and most if not all major religions including the catholic church will support you in that since this marriage was never consummated. Even the Catholic Church will not see her as a worthy wife.

 

 

 

 

She doesnot even let me masturbate in the heat of moment.

 

 

Then frankly you are better off single, since as a single person you would be able to take care of yourself in peace and without restriction.

This person is a detriment and a liability to you. She is worse than having no one at all.

You are a fool and a patsy for staying with her at all.

 

 

 

 

I have asked her to atleast play with my inner parts if she doesnot want to have sex but she never does.

 

 

you have offered her alternatives to sex and she has rejected them. She does not love or desire you. probably never will. This situation is likely hopeless. if you want to have a real and full marriage, it will not be with her.

 

 

 

 

She thinks that because of masturbation before marriage, i have become a sex desiring person.

 

 

 

 

You are a sex desiring person because you were both. All creatures that reproduce sexually desire sex. That's how all species reproduce and exist.

She is beyond repair. you can only save yourself.

 

 

I just dont know what to do.

 

 

Yes you do.

 

 

 

 

Talking to her and trying to put some sense into her is not possible as she is Inot ready to listen at all.

 

 

Attraction and desire are not choices. You can not talk someone into desiring you. You cannot negotiate attraction. Desire cannot be reasoned with or convinced. It must be felt and if it isn't felt, it isn't there.

 

 

A point has reached that i no longer find her appealing actually.

 

 

That is normal and natural. No healthy, adult male would find her the least bit appealing and all would eventually leave her. She is not a worthy candidate for a wife. you got stuck with a dud.

 

 

Sometimes, i think of divorcing her but my conscience doesnot let me do that.

 

 

Why?? Why does your conscience not let you correct a mistake? If you want to have a legitimate marriage with romance/sexuality, children etc, you will not have that with this woman and she has made it clearly apparent.

There is not a religion on the planet that will not sanction this divorce. This is not a legitimate marriage in the eyes of the church.

I feel so guilty of myself about thinking to divorce.

 

 

you should feel guilty for NOT divorcing. She is preventing you from living a full life and from having a healthy marriage and children etc.

 

 

 

 

Just tell me what do do guys......

 

 

Divorce her and find someone else that loves you, desires you and is willing to have a legitimate marriage and family with you.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Now as I said earlier, you are obligated to bring your dissatisfaction out in the open and try to fix the problems but if she has been to doctors and is ignoring their directions and you have offered alternative methods and she has rejected them, then this is her choice.

 

 

You are within your rights to leave.

 

 

As there was never a period of attraction, desire and sexual activity, there is extremely little chance there ever will be. You made a mistake by asking her to marry you and she committed fraud if she implied that loved you and would ever has sex with you in marriage.

 

 

The foundation of this marriage is fraudulent and without merit. Divorce is your logical recourse. anything else will be wasting more time, energy and money.

[No Limit]

Get a divorce and run before she'll try the baby trap to keep you as her provider. RUN!

[Satu]

You might have a certificate, but you're not married in the real sense.

 

See if there is a medical problem, physical or psychological.

 

If not, leave her and find a real partner.

[Priv]

Your post was all me, me, me.

 

I think that attitude is more than reasonable after a 2 year never having had sex marriage.

[Eighty_nine]

That's really awful. Of course you're not doing anything wrong by wanting sex in your marriage.

 

Do you have foreplay, have you used lube? I assume she's a virgin and it that case it's going to hurt, nothing either of you can do to avoid that.

[Ralph79]

I think that attitude is more than reasonable after a 2 year never having had sex marriage.

 

Priv, in my experience, I've found that there are always 2 sides to every story.

 

Of course the attitude is reasonable after 2 years of no sex, but you might be missing my point: the OP is giving us his point of view of his problem. It's so easy to to just tell him to leave his wife after the monstrous portrayal he typed up of her. I just wanted to make sure that there wasn't more to this than what the OP said. But he hasn't replied.

 

For his sake, and for the sake of giving him good advice, I was pointing out obvious things, that I mentioned in my post which OldShirt did a better job of expanding on.

[Priv]

Priv, in my experience, I've found that there are always 2 sides to every story.

 

Of course the attitude is reasonable after 2 years of no sex, but you might be missing my point: the OP is giving us his point of view of his problem. It's so easy to to just tell him to leave his wife after the monstrous portrayal he typed up of her. I just wanted to make sure that there wasn't more to this than what the OP said. But he hasn't replied.

 

For his sake, and for the sake of giving him good advice, I was pointing out obvious things, that I mentioned in my post which OldShirt did a better job of expanding on.

 

True, I agree with you. Though that applies to most topics on LS. Thing is I can't think of any reason that the marriage isn't consumated in 2 years that is on him in the sense that: even if the OP was the worst lover on earth (not that she would know ) who never did any kind of foreplay AND couldn't tell her ear apart from her vagina AND had bad breath AND hair on his back AND was the worst kisser ever AND had warts all over AND was negging her 24/7 for sex that still wouldn't be a good reason to never ever ever ever have had sex in a 2 year marriage.

[Ralph79]

True, I agree with you. Though that applies to most topics on LS. Thing is I can't think of any reason that the marriage isn't consumated in 2 years that is on him in the sense that: even if the OP was the worst lover on earth (not that she would know ) who never did any kind of foreplay AND couldn't tell her ear apart from her vagina AND had bad breath AND hair on his back AND was the worst kisser ever AND had warts all over AND was negging her 24/7 for sex that still wouldn't be a good reason to never ever ever ever have had sex in a 2 year marriage.

 

Ok, l'll try and come up with a theory based on what little info we have:

 

A) I will assume that they have gotten naked several times, and have tried intercourse given this comment:

 

"She says that she feels a kind of pain whenever i try to penetrate her."

 

The "whenever" tells me that there have been several attempts. I will also assume he's not the only one who's unable to climax during sex for obvious reasons. So they have to BOTH be frustrated.

 

B) I've found that sometimes the way you say things, says more about yourself and the issue, than the actual message you're trying to convey.

 

"The main problem here is her complete disinterest in sex"

"She doesnot bother to follow any tips provided by the Doctor."

"She doesnot try to relieve me in any way ."

"Talking to her and trying to put some sense into her is not possible as she is not ready to listen at all."

 

Other than talking to her and taking her to the Dr. to get her "fixed", nowhere in his post do I see anything HE's done about their problem. Has he tried taking her to a nice place, getting her something she wants, a romantic gesture on his part to sweep her off her feet?

 

THEORY 1

Just picture it: They just married, they get in bed, she could have had an infection or something, and it hurt like hell the first time he attempted to penetrate her. She could have been looking forward to this moment for months, (the wedding night) and she has unexpected excruciating pain instead. What does he do? "Hey, I'm sorry it hurts, I really am, but can you play with my inner parts if you're just going to lie there wincing? ... no? ugh, ok. I'm going to take care of myself while I watch some porn instead". From that point on, he might just be exerting too much pressure on her in a bad way, that she's extremely put off by it.

 

THEORY 2

She could be just be a gold digger or someone who was sexually abused and found him to be a convenient or safe husband and doesn't feel attracted to him or love him. Thus her lack of sex drive.

 

THEORY 3

She's cheating on him and he doesn't know it. Maybe she told him she's a virgin, she lied, and she has been trying to figure out a way to get away with it all this time.

 

In short, before I tell someone "Yeah RUN, get a Divorce", I like people to reflect on ALL aspects of a problem. That includes themselves.

 

If he thinks he's been a kind husband, and a good provider, and can honestly say he has no fault in this, then yes, I will agree with everyone else, Run while you can.

[Zzyxx]

Ok, l'll try and come up with a theory based on what little info we have:

 

A) I will assume that they have gotten naked several times, and have tried intercourse given this comment:

 

"She says that she feels a kind of pain whenever i try to penetrate her."

 

The "whenever" tells me that there have been several attempts. I will also assume he's not the only one who's unable to climax during sex for obvious reasons. So they have to BOTH be frustrated.

 

B) I've found that sometimes the way you say things, says more about yourself and the issue, than the actual message you're trying to convey.

 

"The main problem here is her complete disinterest in sex"

"She doesnot bother to follow any tips provided by the Doctor."

"She doesnot try to relieve me in any way ."

"Talking to her and trying to put some sense into her is not possible as she is not ready to listen at all."

 

Other than talking to her and taking her to the Dr. to get her "fixed", nowhere in his post do I see anything HE's done about their problem. Has he tried taking her to a nice place, getting her something she wants, a romantic gesture on his part to sweep her off her feet?

 

THEORY 1

Just picture it: They just married, they get in bed, she could have had an infection or something, and it hurt like hell the first time he attempted to penetrate her. She could have been looking forward to this moment for months, (the wedding night) and she has unexpected excruciating pain instead. What does he do? "Hey, I'm sorry it hurts, I really am, but can you play with my inner parts if you're just going to lie there wincing? ... no? ugh, ok. I'm going to take care of myself while I watch some porn instead". From that point on, he might just be exerting too much pressure on her in a bad way, that she's extremely put off by it.

 

THEORY 2

She could be just be a gold digger or someone who was sexually abused and found him to be a convenient or safe husband and doesn't feel attracted to him or love him. Thus her lack of sex drive.

 

THEORY 3

She's cheating on him and he doesn't know it. Maybe she told him she's a virgin, she lied, and she has been trying to figure out a way to get away with it all this time.

 

In short, before I tell someone "Yeah RUN, get a Divorce", I like people to reflect on ALL aspects of a problem. That includes themselves.

 

If he thinks he's been a kind husband, and a good provider, and can honestly say he has no fault in this, then yes, I will agree with everyone else, Run while you can.

 

Sometimes there really are situations though in which the other person is aesexual or not even halfway trying to compromise on the matter of differing libidos. My ex barely ever wanted to have sex with me and I did everything possible under the sun to try and accomodate or motivate her by listening to her wishes. It got to the point where me wanting to have open communication about the problem would be met with acccusations of me "pressuring her" by simply asking if there was anything I could do to make it more enjoyable for her. While I agree there are often two sides to every story, the fact that he has endured this for two years, I think is already a testament to his efforts.

[Popsicle]

I'm guessing she's a virgin and you live in a non-western culture?

[Ralph79]

Sometimes there really are situations though in which the other person is aesexual or not even halfway trying to compromise on the matter of differing libidos. My ex barely ever wanted to have sex with me and I did everything possible under the sun to try and accomodate or motivate her by listening to her wishes. It got to the point where me wanting to have open communication about the problem would be met with acccusations of me "pressuring her" by simply asking if there was anything I could do to make it more enjoyable for her. While I agree there are often two sides to every story, the fact that he has endured this for two years, I think is already a testament to his efforts.

 

Yeah. All arguments aside. Nearly 2 years is too much time for this to keep going on like this, regardless of who's fault it is. It's best if they just part ways than resort to cheating. I guess they both will be happier.

[Pinkdisney]

Run, pack a bag this minute and run from this relationship.

 

How do people get into situations like this. Did this not come up before you got married? Did she lie to you about what sex was going to be like? Again, run--fast, far and soon.

 

I agree, and i'm trying not to pile on but how in the world does this sort of thing happen in this day and age?? No sex at all, not even touching or mutual masturbation? I almost think this has to be a joke it's so unbelievable.