Abuse is back to haunt me..

[Victoriana]

This is quite a long story........

 

When I was five I was sexually abused by my aunt and uncle who brought me up after my parents died in a car crash. The abuse carried on until I left home at 17. It included rape, with my aunt holding me down as my uncle raped me and touching in bed at night. It was also physical. I was thrown against a table and pushed down the stairs. My aunt smashed my arm with a sledgehammer and made me tell the doctor a wardrobe had fallen on me. I still feel vulnerable because of it but thought I had put it all behind me.

 

I am 20 now and in a wonderful relationship with a man I want to spend the rest of my life with. But lately, in nightmares and even in flashbacks during the day. I have sex with my partner but even now, I am going off it.

 

I never recieved counselling and he only knows that I was abused, the physical side. He doesn't know about all the sexual abuse.

 

I don't want to feel like this. I thought I had it all under control but I don't. Please help me. What can I do to stop this from wrecking my life?

[Tony T]

What you went through was heinous, something no human being on this planet should be subjected to. Just reading your post I became furious with your aunt and uncle...to the point I would deck them if they were right here. So there has to be an incredible amount of repressed anger inside of you that must be resolved before you can go on.

 

Forget dealing with your guy now. You have got business to take care of with yourself, healing emotionally and spiritually. Yes, do forgive your aunt and uncle. But call the police and report all this stuff. There is no statute of limitations on rape. Your aunt and uncle should not be free to breathe outside of a state prison. Go talk to detectives, tell them exactly what happened. This will be very painful but it will also be very vindicating to see two of the worst types of vermin get their due.

 

I would strongly suggest a civil lawsuit against your aunt and uncle to get sufficient monies to pay for psychological counselling. You also deserve punitive damages, although there is no amount of money that will compensate for the suffering you went through.

 

For someone who has gone through the terrible, vicious kinds of things in life you have gone through, I would say a year or more of therapy would be in order. If you cannot afford counselling, seek such through a social agency, at a nearby university, or through a large church that offers counselling where there would be little or no charge.

 

YOU WRITE: "But lately, in nightmares and even in flashbacks during the day. I have sex with my partner but even now, I am going off it."

 

I do not understand exactly what you mean by this. I think you mean you are troubled by these nightmares...but what kind are they? I also think you are saying you have sex with your guy...but things about that are bothering you. Please explain further.

 

THEN YOU WRITE: "I never recieved counselling and he only knows that I was abused, the physical side. He doesn't know about all the sexual abuse."

 

At this point, you need only tell him what you are comfortable with. I must warn you, if he is not very mature, he may have reactions to the sexual abuse that may not be positive. That's why you need to talk with a counsellor.

 

If I was your boyfriend and you disclosed these things to me and told me it was your aunt and uncle, I would be in my car headed straight for your aunt and uncle's house. If I was feeling very very charitable that day, I would bring the law with me.

 

Be very kind and gentle to yourself. You really underestimate the brutal, unfathomable childhood you had. To go through the death of your parents, which is the most painful kind of terror a child could experience, and then be passed on to the lowest form of worms to be raised...I am actually surprised you are as together as you are.

 

I will pray all day today that you will call the police and report this matter. Give them every detail. Perhaps in doing so, they can help you get the counselling you need.

 

I just wish there was more I could do for you. I have never read any worse abuse happening to any human being in my life. Because it was so necessary for you to suppress your anger and other feelings about this abuse, you are not yet fully aware of just how bad things were for you.

 

Please keep us informed on how things are going. I hope you'll get back to us about the questions and clarification I asked above.

[sparkle]

Dear Victoriana,

 

Tony was 200% right. I couldn't agree with him more. I urge you to think about what he said and report this to the police.

 

When you see the people that sexually abused you being put behind bars, it will then start your healing process. Until then, things will be very difficult.

 

I was raped 5 years ago, and he wasn't arrested/put in jail until 2 years later. When I saw him locked up, I felt this extremely huge load being lifted off my chest. And you will feel this too. I can't explain how much that will help. And usually, the police/detectives will put you in touch with a counselor or let you attend a support group, free of charge.

 

Please get help by talking to someone about this. Holding it in and pushing it to the back of your mind will not make this matter go away. It will only cause it to re-surface later and will continue to affect your life.

 

Take care...

[Victoriana]

The answers to your questions, sorry I was very upset when I wrote the post.

 

I am having night mares and they go like this. I am in a forest and i see a person that looks like my father standing in front of me. I run towards him and as I get closer he holds me and when I look up to his face he has changed into my uncle. I try to run away but my aunt appears and holds me down, just as he rapes me the dream ends.

 

What I meant by the sex part was, I enjoy having sex with my partner but in my mind I feel like damaged goods. My uncle told Mitch, when he met him, "Vi has been broken in for you. Shouldn't have any problems." But now this is coming back to me and sometimes I look at Mitch and feel distgusting. Am I wrong for having sex with him? I know its natural but to me sex is something which is forced upon and even though he has never used force I feel, deep down inside that he is doing the same to me as my uncle did.

 

I love Mitch and don't want to have to keep this from myself being happy. Deep down my soul is saying I am right for loving him and giving my heart to him. But my past is pointing the other way.........

 

Sometimes I feel like ending it all. Why did my parents leave me to face this? I miss them deeply and was never allowed to grieve for them. I am only just starting that process now. I feel like a psychopath. I feel like a maniac. Please help me..........

[Laurynn]

First let me say, I am so deeply sorry for the abuse that you've had to endure....and for the loss of your parents. You have been through so very much in your young years and I wish there was something I could do, personally, to take away your pain.

 

I want to comment on something you wrote....

 

"Am I wrong for having sex with him? I know its natural but to me sex is something which is forced upon and even though he has never used force I feel, deep down inside that he is doing the same to me as my uncle did."

 

You are absolutely NOT WRONG for having sex with your boyfriend. What you are doing with your boyfriend is the way sex is meant......a special act of intimacy shared by two consenting adults who love and care for each other. I can understand how are having problems believing that sex with your boyfriend is 'okay'.....because naturally due to your many years of past abuse, at the hands of your aunt and uncle, you naturally have a very negative and painful association with sex. That is so much to be expected. If you were to talk with other victims of childhood sexual abuse, you would hopefully feel relieved to know that you are not alone in your feelings.

 

I cannot even begin to say I know how you feel, but let me share this. I was married years ago to a very abusive bastard. In addition to be physically, emotionally and mentally abusive, he was also sexually abusive. At the time I didn't even realize it because I didn't think that was possible between a husband and wife. When we would drive through out little down, he would reach over to the passenger seat, grab me by the back of the hair/neck and force my face into his lap....laughing all the while (oral sex). If I ever wanted something simple, like for us to go for dinner or to get a movie, there was always a price tag with it. Oral sex. If I wanted anything, I had to give him oral sex. When we were in bed, he would force me to give him oral sex. Now I had no problem with that from the get go, but he would humiliate me and force me to do this.....being a new wife, I felt I had no choice but to comply. Just about every time after he'd been physically abusive to me, his sick attempt at patching things up was to expect us to have sex. I knew that if I didn't, the fighting would begin again. Just being in the same room with him after he'd smacked me around, it made my skin crawl. Sometimes he'd just force himself on me.......and he'd be on top and I'd be crying........I'd just let him do his thing and I hoped for it to be over with soon.

 

After I left his sorry ass, it took me a good 3 years to even think about having sex again. His abuse had turned me right off. 4 years after leaving him, I managed to trust enough to get into another relationship. Sex was still very tough. I couldn't help but associate it with being forced, belittled and humiliated. It took even longer to be able to perform oral sex..........to this day I have a problem with this (though I'm not in a relationship now). The last guy I dated, that's all he wanted. I tried very hard to explain to him that I felt like a whore when doing this to him (the same way my ex hubby made me feel as he physically forced me to). Well, he didn't 'get it' so that was one of the reasons I left him, anyway....

 

What I'm saying here is......when you've been abused, you're naturally going to have awful and painful associations with sex, no matter how much of a loving relationship you're in. In fact, many adult women who were victims of sexual abuse as children....it takes them many years to even be ABLE to have sex with a partner.

 

I'm begging you to go for counselling........you have carried a large burden for so very many years. It's wonderful that you've felt free to come here and share your pain with us, I am proud of you........but you really need to talk with someone who's trained in dealing the abuse survivors. Maybe you're not at a place to report these crimes against you, to the authorities (though I wish you could).......but for yourself at this point, please find someone to talk to. I have no idea what part of the world you live in.......so I don't know who to refer you to.......but if you have a Crisis Line in your area/city....they would most definitely be able to refer you (you can remain anonymous when calling them) to the appropriate agency.

 

I did a quick search on the net, trying to find message boards (like this) specifically for survivors of childhood sexual abuse. Here's one that seemed to be very good:

 

CLICK HERE: Forums for Survivors of Childhood Sexual abuse and Sexual assault ..the link to the Forum (message board) is a little ways down this page.

 

Here is another:

 

Click here: The Survivors Forum

 

here's another:

 

Survivors of Sexual Abuse

 

If you are feeling suicidal and don't know who to turn to, here is a directory of various Suicide Prevention Lines.....for all over the U.S.:

 

Directory of various Suicide Prevention helplines in the U.S...click here

 

Note.....at the top of that page, you'll find various states..if you see that state you live in there, just CLICK on that state and it will take you there.

 

Here is a directory for Canada:

 

Suicide PRevention HELPLINES in Canada..click here

 

Victoriana...here also is a VERY IMPORTANT LINK......it provides all kind of legal information that you might want to look at, in case you consider reporting your uncle/aunt to the authorities.......it deals with all kinds of aspects related to victims of childhood sexual assault, statute of limitations, HOW to go about reporting it,etc:

 

Click here....Legal Resources for Victims of Childhood Sexual Assault (written by an attorney)

 

HEre's a link that contains many highly recommended books for those who are survivors of childhood sex/abuse:

 

click here....helpful books

 

I'm guessing you must feel like you're all alone....because I'm guessing that the abuse you've endured is a secret from those you love, including your boyfriend (as you mentioned).......If you did decide to share this with your boyfriend, (which might help to lessen the burden you are carrying), I'm sure he loves you with all his heart and would be there for you as best as he could be ......that he would support you and comfort you.

 

I really wish I knew what else to suggest.

 

Please read the links I've given you. If you're not ready to go for counselling, at least check out some of the message boards/forums at the sites above..........read what other victims have shared, then you won't feel so alone.

 

Do you still have any contact with your aunt and uncle?

 

Have you ever considered going to the police?

 

Hugs and prayers coming your way,

 

Laurynn

[Victoriana]

Laurynn

 

I am deeply touched by your message. It made me feel so special that you had gone to all that trouble for me. Thank you so much from the bottom of my heart.

 

I feel now that I should answer the questions you left

 

Do you still have any contact with your aunt

 

and uncle?

 

I have no choice. They are stioll around and very much alive. I helped my aunt sort out a new home the other day so I still see them. It doesn't help but I couldn't live with myself if I turned my back on them. I do love them still. They are my family and they are not all bad. There were times, like on Christmas Day when we'd be sitting watching TV and we'd throw chocolate at each other and tell jokes and laugh. I don't hate them. I just don't understand why they did this to me.

 

Have you ever considered going to the police?

 

No, i don't think I could be heartless enough to put two people, now getting rather old, behind bars, it just doesn't seem right to me.

 

I take a lot of comfort in your words Laurynn. You have agood heart and thank you for helping me. I only came across this board by accident but it has given me a little peace.

[Tony T]

Laurynn did an excellent job of breaking things down for you. These nightmares, I'm sure, aren't permanent but they are very easy to interpret...as you well know. Nobody can underestimate the damage done to you by your aunt and uncle. And, yes, it's very important to grieve the loss of your mother and father.

 

You mentioned nothing about reporting this matter to police. I hope you will muster the courage to do so. Your aunt and uncle don't deserve another day of freedom. I wouldn't be so kind as to put them in a class with any animals I am aware of. Even bacteria and worms are more kind. Prisoners of the worst wars were treated better than they treated you.

 

Please come back with any issues you have. Laurynn is a nurse and also has personal experiences that can help her relate to your issues. We will all try to help get you through this.

 

Please don't ever, ever think of doing anything to yourself. You WILL get much better!!! And please do seek counselling as soon as you are able.

[Victoriana]

Tony

 

I just feel like ending it all. I am sick and tired of being worried when I go to sleep, of pushing Mitch away when he tries to comfort me. I feel like there is no other way but to end it all. At least I won't be scared anymore

[Tony T]

Don't even think of doing anything to yourself. This WILL NOT last forever. Life is worth living. You have gone through the worst any human could ever face. It can ONLY get better from this point on.

 

I URGE YOU to seek counselling at your earliest opportunity, TODAY if possible. You also need to tell a trusted friend, a social worker, or a member of the clergy about these suicidal feelings you are having. They will pass. You have been extremely strong to this point. You are now coming into touch with feelings you have supressed for a very long time.

 

Look in your city's phone book to see if there is a suicide crisis line. They have skilled and trained counsellors that can discuss issues with you at no cost and on an anonymous basis.

 

As sparkle said above, she had an incident occur and two years later the person was arrested and jailed and she felt emancipated. I think a heavy burden will be lifted from you if you report this matter. I think you will feel a great deal of anger lifted from you if your aunt and uncle are in jail.

 

Whatever you do, get help today...get help somewhere. This is the ONLY life you will ever have. You are an adult now and you can take care of yourself, you will NEVER have to go through the trauma that you faced as a child.

 

You have a lot to heal from. You faced a great deal of pain, almost more than any human can handle, with the death of your parents and the abuse of your aunt and uncle. Give yourself credit for getting this far. These nightmares and the pain you are feeling will not last. You will heal. BUT YOU NEED A HIGHLY TRAINED PROFESSIONAL TO HELP YOU THROUGH THIS.

 

PLEASE, PLEASE get help. If you have any problems getting a counsellor today, Email my personal email addresss: <e-mail address removed> and I will personally see that you get the help you need TODAY!!!

 

Stay in touch with us, please. The people who come to this forum on a regular basis are very caring people and they will want to know that you are dealing with this and that you are OK.

[Tony T]

I want to urge you once again to seek counselling. I just read you reply to Laurynn's post.

 

Though your forgiveness and compassion for your aging aunt and uncle is OK I suppose, there is NO good reason for being around them. What they did to you was WORSE THAN MURDER.

 

Here you are talking about suicide and on the same thread you are talking about seeing and helping the people who so brutally drove you to this point.

 

I don't think you are in touch with your anger yet. When you get there, you will want them in jail...or at least not ever want to see them again.

 

It is NOT good for your recovery and healing to be around these people. I just wished I could be there when you finally realize the utter inhuman, unmerciful, brutality the administered to you.

 

Please seek counselling. You need caring and professional people to guide you through this.

 

There are many people who would love to be your family who would not put you through what these "relatives" did.

 

To this day, I do not understand how human beings have the capacity for simple rudeness, much less for brutally and repeatedly raping a child who they were charged with caring for after the loss of her parents.

 

I will never understand this no matter how many times it might be explained to me.

[Victoriana]

Last night I got up the courage and I told my fiancé about what has happened to me. He walked out of the door and got in his car, drove up top their house and when my uncle opened the door. He punched him in the face.

 

That isn't what I wanted to happen. I wanted him to tell me it would be okay. And he did when he got back. Should I be mad at him for doing this? He told me he loves me and no matter what that won't change but I am scared now. WHat can I do?

[Tony T]

Your boyfriend put up a post from the same computer you are using less than ten minutes after you put up this one. Is everything OK? Does he use your computer?

 

I very clearly told you in my post that he would do that...or at least I told you that would be my reaction. I told you if I were your boyfriend and you told me, I would make sure the police came with me so I didn't do more harm to them. So, you are extremely lucky that I'm not your boyfriend. A busted face is just a little of what I would have broken on this guy's body.

 

No, you shouldn't be angry at your boyfriend. He cares about you enough to want justice to be done. Frankly, I'd be very proud if he went over there and threw your uncle a few more punches...but I can't advise anyone to do anything that is against the law.

 

There is nothing at all to be scared about. Your boyfriend reacted in a very predictable manner. I hope he reports this to police. No matter what you think, your aunt and uncle perpetrated one of the most serious crimes that can be executed on another human being. Nothing you feel can ever change that.

 

Thank your boyfriend for me. Yes, everything will be alright. Did you actually think your uncle would expect to do the awful things he did to you without paying for it??? That's not the way the world works.

 

Please help us solve the mystery of these multiple posts from you, your boyfriend, and someone called Three Little Cows...all from your computer. That would be very nice.