BK Girl Posted March 28, 2005 Share Posted March 28, 2005 I'm so confused right now. I've been dating this wonderful guy for the last year and a half. We've had our ups and downs at the beginning of the relationship but worked through it all and we're really happy together and in love. He gets sent away quite often for work and has been gone almost 3 months now. We talk frequently and email so that we can keep track of each other's lives but it's still hard. Well, this last week I went on vacation to Miami for a music conference and happened to meet this really wonderful guy. I didn't plan on having such an intense connection to this person. We connected on every level and it was quite shocking. I could even talk to him about things I can't talk about with my b/f (I'm a musician and he's a business man and it's hard to talk to him about things that I'm really passionate about cause he just kinda blows it off and doesn't take too much interest in it). But it was different with this other guy. He just got it. And it's not too often that I meet people like that. Of course there was a lot sexual tension between us, but we didn't do anything about it till the last night I was there when we ended up making out. I did not have sex with him, but I still consider it cheating and I feel pretty awful. Especially because I can't stop thinking about this other guy now. I didn't expect the emotional connection to be so strong and it's really messing with me. On the other hand I still really love my b/f and don't want to end it...but that feels extremely selfish, like I don't deserve him now. I don't even really understand why I did it. I'm in a happy relationship now so why would I want to sabotage it??! Any advice would be much appreciated. And please no snide remarks to try and make me feel worse than I already do. I already know I messed up. Link to post Share on other sites
Bryanp Posted March 28, 2005 Share Posted March 28, 2005 Hello, It seems to me that a relationship should be based on honesty. You messed up and you realize it. It is therefore your responsiblity to be honest and trusthful with your boyfriend and then discuss your feelings. Being honest and truthful with your boyfriend is the very least you owe him. Don't you agree? I assume that if the roles were reversed wouldn't you want him to be open and honest with you about what he did? Either your relationship with your boyfriend is based on trust and honesty or lies and deceit. What kind of relationship do you wish to be in? I wish you luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Cecelius Posted March 28, 2005 Share Posted March 28, 2005 How old are you? That affects a lot of what the reasons for cheating are. Is your question whether you tell your b/f, or is it more whether you should break up with him? Link to post Share on other sites
Author BK Girl Posted March 28, 2005 Author Share Posted March 28, 2005 I just turned 26 and my b/f will be 27 soon. My question is more if I should stay with my b/f rather than tell him. Link to post Share on other sites
Cecelius Posted March 28, 2005 Share Posted March 28, 2005 Well, you should tell him unless you break up with him. Everyone is entitled to know the situation. It sounds as if you may be enjoying the attention from another man, and that, quite understandably, your often-long distance romance might just not be right for you. If you want to be straight with the b/f, just tell him how you feel, what happened and that you want to take it easy for a while. I also wouldn't jump into anything with the other guy (I'm not sure I can see the strong emotional connection with the other guy since (1) creating apparently "strong emotional connections" is something most young men perfect for times they are in bars or with girls on vacation, (2) it was a short-term thing and (3) it's not hard for a man to appear understanding), so I wouldn't rush into anything with him either. Link to post Share on other sites
Author BK Girl Posted March 28, 2005 Author Share Posted March 28, 2005 Thanks Cecelius. That's a good point (about the other guy). I wasn't planning on taking it further than friends with him after I left, considering he lives in Florida and I'm not silly enough to dump my guy for another long distance thing. I guess I should reconsider if I can handle the long distance situation with my b/f. I thought I could but maybe I'm wrong. Link to post Share on other sites
CurlyIam Posted March 28, 2005 Share Posted March 28, 2005 You did cheat. I think you should tell your bf. I mean if things were rocky between the 2 of you, I would have understood. You met temptation and you've failed your relationship. No offence, if you don' speak, you're not better than all those men going to business conferences and sleeping around with whom they get to convince. I just don't understand you. What if it were the other way around? How would you have felt if it were him that smootched another business girl??? if you have any respect for your bf, you'll talk. Maybe he's not the man for you. Why lead him on, since you're about to discover that? Link to post Share on other sites
Author BK Girl Posted March 28, 2005 Author Share Posted March 28, 2005 How come you can condone cheating if the relationship is rocky? You shouldn't preach morals if it's a double standard. Cheating is cheating, period. And I don't think that I failed the relationship. I made a mistake. I'm not perfect. Likewise, I have no idea what he does while he's away either. Link to post Share on other sites
CurlyIam Posted March 28, 2005 Share Posted March 28, 2005 I meant if you are unsure and feel bad and vulnerable in your relationship, you're exposed. That's why meeting someone who can feed your ego... and selfesteem... not that it's making it alright. It makes it more understandable. As I4ve read your post, you were fine with your bf. That's why I don't understand why you've given in. No one asked you to be perfect. However, a relationship does require that both party respect some basic ground rules. I think first and foremost comes Love and Respect. And then comes Fidelity. How can you be so serene about this? Have you got no conscience at all? I mean, yeah, you didn't kill anyone, nor have you slept with that guy. However... you yourself were speaking of breaking up. Do you love your bf? I don't mean to bite your head off . My ex did the very same thing. HE came the very next morning to me and confess everything. However, due to other reasons, our relationship was not strong enough to handle this. So maybe I'm a bit sensitive about the subject. I hope my asking question about this does not make you uncomfortable - if, of course, you intend to answer them. Link to post Share on other sites
Cecelius Posted March 28, 2005 Share Posted March 28, 2005 I thought Curly was going to say that it's more understandable that cheating occur when both parties know the relationship is rocky because the betrayed party was on notice generally that something was wrong... Anyway, if you're going to keep the existing b/f, he should know what happened. It's very disrespectful to him for you to cheat on him AND stay friends with the other guy. And, as I said, people always have a right to know what's going on. Also bear in mind that your b/f could easily end up finding out about this from emails, if the other guy turns out to be a good friend of yours, from reading these posts, etc. It's ALWAYS better to come clean. Link to post Share on other sites
Author BK Girl Posted March 28, 2005 Author Share Posted March 28, 2005 Curly: To answer your questions, yes I do love my b/f. Very much so. And I'm not serene about the situation at all. In fact it worries me, because it makes me feel so unsure about our future together. This was someone that I had discussed marriage with quite frequently and now I don't know. I can definitely understand how you would be sensitive on the subject of cheating, since it's happened to you in the past. It's happened to me in the past many, many times which is another thing that confuses me. If I know how it feels to be cheated on, then why would I do it to someone I love? Yet another thing that confuses me is this: my b/f and I have had the discussion of what we consider to be cheating. He said he only considered sex to be cheating. Does that mean that he's fooled around with other girls unbeknownst to me, yet not had sex so he has no guilt about it? I don't know. But what I consider cheating is different and since I had that mental/emotional connection with the other person, I have to wonder: is there something that I'm just not getting from my current b/f that I really do need? I find that the more and more I am writing about this and thinking about it, I am feeling resentment towards my b/f for his long absense and his nonchalance about it. I'm also feeling angry about the fact that he just expects me to grow out of this whole music thing, settle down with him and happily await his return while he's off in other countries. I think it might be time to have a serious talk with him. Link to post Share on other sites
Cecelius Posted March 29, 2005 Share Posted March 29, 2005 That may be true, but I'll point out the thought process in your above post: 1) You cheated on him 2) You have no evidence that he is cheating on you 3) You end up mad at HIM Keep it straight in your head before blaming him for what happened. Cheating in my experience comes from either some kind of personal limitation (like excess emotional needieness) or immaturity (lack of sympathy for another). I think that whether he expects you to wait around for him or not, he probably expects you not to cheat on him; give him the chance to decide whether he wants to stay with you (you're pretty unclear as to whether you want to stay with him). Have a talk about what happened, where you are going together and what your expectations are. If he's not up to them, dump him. Link to post Share on other sites
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