How to get over huge jealousy of bf's sexual past?

[kate123456789]

Hi, I'm new here and I'd GREATLY appreciate any help anyone can offer. I'm writing out of desperation. I am in a serious relationship for two years with my fiance, but it started on the wrong foot as foolish as he is, for half the first year he was constantly talking about other women and what they did in bed. I never wanted to hear this and in the beginning it was ok, but as the stories grew, so did my jealousy and insecurity and all to the point of madness, so finally asked him if he is out of his mind to do this. To make matters worse he was keeping close relationships with his exes and kept behind my back even when he promised to stop and he was flirting with other women. Yes, he drove me crazy, now he is extremely sorry and trying to make up, but for an year there are problems as I am constantly imagining pictures of how these women which I know and some I don't but know the stories about them and how it all happened, I'm constantly imagining how they are doing it, how they are without clothes and…. you know… Please, help. It is now up to the point where I can't touch him, I can't look at him, it is painful to do so, I can't go to the town from which is one of these girls as I become mad jealous and sad and depressed, I hate the bed I am sleeping in and so on many things I connect with them as for example one of them is a great fan something and whenever I see this thing I connect it with her and what they did! Also as I know some details of things in bed they did, now whenever I see such thing I go crazy jealous and hurt and everything, not to mention that I can't do this anymore with him as even the thought of doing it makes me think of the moment when he was doing it with her. And it wasn't two or three girls the stories were about, but a lot so I have lot's of thoughts. I try to tell to myself it is past, it was before we were together, but this is of no use, as I know the details and stories how they did it and as I know it now for me it is like it happened now and I already went through all the pain of these pictures in the present. I don't know how to stop this…. My ex was cheating on me a lot and it was too painful and broke me and made me very emotional about these things I guess. And now these pictures this one put in my mind made me so jealous I can't overcome it, I don't wanna know anyone ever touched him and he did all these, I can't go on with these thoughts and pictures in my mind, which didn't exist in the beginning and all was great, you know he did something but it was non existent to me, it was his past, until he put me there and now what you know can't be unknown… I can't even think of s*x now as it became something emotionally painful because of these pictures and whatever about it I think a picture how he did it with some of these women pops in my mind and drives me crazy and I hate it now and I used to love it before. Please if anyone can help…. Thank you a lot in advance!

[bathtub-row]

I'm not sure why you agreed to marry this guy. He was bragging in order to make you feel insecure (which I'm sure he'll deny), and he was still seeing these women behind your back. These things should be deal breakers for you. The reason you don't want to have sex with him is because he disgusts you, which is understandable. Your instincts are screaming at you loud and clear and, if you continue to ignore them, you're going to end up with another cheater.

 

My guess is, these aren't the only things this guy has done to put you down and make you feel bad. Being tolerant beyond reason is not going to win you any awards. What it will do is dig you deeper into a relationship that you should've walked away from a long time ago.

 

In your post, you sound like a victim. You're not a victim because you're extremely capable of getting out of this relationship. If you stay and continue to battle with these thoughts, and continue to put up with bad behavior, then you only have yourself to blame for that. There are a LOT of stupid and mean people out there. The question is, will you continue to allow them into your life? And don't kid yourself and say "but I love him", "but he has good qualities". None of that matters. Most men who hit and abuse their wives have good qualities. It doesn't matter what good qualities they have when their bad qualities cannot be ignored. What your fiancé has said and done cannot be undone.

[kendahke]

Hi, I'm new here and I'd GREATLY appreciate any help anyone can offer. I'm writing out of desperation. I am in a serious relationship for two years with my fiance, but it started on the wrong foot as foolish as he is, for half the first year he was constantly talking about other women and what they did in bed. I never wanted to hear this and in the beginning it was ok, but as the stories grew, so did my jealousy and insecurity and all to the point of madness, so finally asked him if he is out of his mind to do this. To make matters worse he was keeping close relationships with his exes and kept behind my back even when he promised to stop and he was flirting with other women. Yes, he drove me crazy, now he is extremely sorry and trying to make up, but for an year there are problems as I am constantly imagining pictures of how these women which I know and some I don't but know the stories about them and how it all happened, I'm constantly imagining how they are doing it, how they are without clothes and…. you know… Please, help. It is now up to the point where I can't touch him, I can't look at him, it is painful to do so, I can't go to the town from which is one of these girls as I become mad jealous and sad and depressed, I hate the bed I am sleeping in and so on many things I connect with them as for example one of them is a great fan something and whenever I see this thing I connect it with her and what they did! Also as I know some details of things in bed they did, now whenever I see such thing I go crazy jealous and hurt and everything, not to mention that I can't do this anymore with him as even the thought of doing it makes me think of the moment when he was doing it with her. And it wasn't two or three girls the stories were about, but a lot so I have lot's of thoughts. I try to tell to myself it is past, it was before we were together, but this is of no use, as I know the details and stories how they did it and as I know it now for me it is like it happened now and I already went through all the pain of these pictures in the present. I don't know how to stop this…. My ex was cheating on me a lot and it was too painful and broke me and made me very emotional about these things I guess. And now these pictures this one put in my mind made me so jealous I can't overcome it, I don't wanna know anyone ever touched him and he did all these, I can't go on with these thoughts and pictures in my mind, which didn't exist in the beginning and all was great, you know he did something but it was non existent to me, it was his past, until he put me there and now what you know can't be unknown… I can't even think of s*x now as it became something emotionally painful because of these pictures and whatever about it I think a picture how he did it with some of these women pops in my mind and drives me crazy and I hate it now and I used to love it before. Please if anyone can help…. Thank you a lot in advance!

 

How much time elapsed between your ex who cheated on you and you meeting this guy you're with?

[Satu]

This will not go away.

 

He sounds to me like a complete idiot.

[kate123456789]

bathtub-row, kendahke, Satu - thank you for your time and reply!

 

bathtub-row, Satu - I was hoping there is a way this can be repaired but the more hurt I become by new everyday stories emerging of his past, the less I believe this is possible

 

Satu - no doubt he is, otherwise there is no way to be bombing your gf with such sh*t

 

kendahke - around a month

[CarrieT]

kendahke - around a month

 

You need WAY more time to heal than a month.

 

This new guy is a rebound relationship and it is no wonder you are going through this roller coaster of emotions about his past.

 

But in the long run it won't work because you are getting more worked up about it. Time to walk away and give yourself some "YOU" time before investing in another.

[kendahke]

 

kendahke - around a month

 

You haven't resolved your issues from your last relationship.

 

I pretty much co-sign what CarrieT said.

 

You've attracted the same character in a different body to you--it's basically no different than dealing with your ex. Until you've resolved your issues from your ex and take the time to process it through and be done with it, any guy you allow into your life is a distraction who will make you fall into the same hole you were in with your ex because you don't know how to not attract that same character to you.

 

If you were at the place where you were whole, when the first time this dude started in on his comparison game, you'd have read him the riot act. The second time he did it, you'd have had the strength and resolve in yourself to end things with him right then and there because you knew that you deserved better than to put up with that kind of contemptuous crap from anyone and you'd have had the bravery to be by yourself until such a time that a better man came into your world. But because you were in such desperation to be with a guy, you latched on to the first one who expressed interest in you. Unfortunately, the guy expresses interest in a lot of women and makes you feel as if you're just one in a number, not anyone really special to him.

Edited January 15, 2015 by kendahke