Wrong Path to Truelove or Not?

[cnt2infinity]

I don’t know if I love my wife or not. I try hard for the sake of our daughter who is 5. This is most likely the worst relationship I have ever been involved in. Seven years and still pondering. Why this long you may ask? Again, my daughter and the fact that the usa is not my country or home. I moved here for that woman. And from what I now realize, she does not appreciate the fact of me doing that. I was a gentle, smooth, loving and caring to her. She wanted to marry me and I agreed for her sake. The passion to be in another country urged me to accept. When we met she was still with her boyfriend. Maybe breaking off with him at the time. During the time I was getting my papers ready for immigration she calls me in tears to say she had slept with her boyfriend. This killed me. I too was seeing someone, a Spanish girl who also meant the world to me. I broke of with my Spanish girlfriend for the chance to spend the rest of my life with my wife before she slept with her ex-boyfriend. The fact that she agreed it was a mistake and she was sorry I found it in my heart to forgive her. In an act of revenge I slept with my Spanish friend several times before I moved from England to the USA. I felt this was the only way to bring myself up to par and make a decision to be with her. What I don’t realize to this day, is that everything I do is mostly for others and not myself. We were young when we made these decisions. Her being 19 and me being 20. I am now 27 years old.

 

I loved the Spanish girl. We never once argued and were very close for a whole year. Her words made me feel special. I never told my wife about the Spanish girl. In fact I kept a lot of secrets away from her. I made myself out to be a loyal and trusting person who only had a few relationships in his life. In which I did but there was also the sex maniac that lies within me. The lie of having only 3 relationships in my life turns out to be 3 true loves and 20 sexual encounters. I think most would agree that this is not necessary to tell this to the one you plan to get married to.

 

As far as my three true loves go. They were all perfect. No arguing, pure passion, thrills and commitment. They were all international loves. London is a very multicultural place. But all of them true. Does the relationship that I now and have had match up with the true ones I had before? No. Don’t get me wrong I love my wife, but I can never love her as much as my true loves or the day that I met her.

 

During seven years of marriage we had a baby and the marriage itself had its ups and downs. I was unfaithful because I didn’t know if I loved this woman or not and still had some hate for her going back to her ex-boyfriend. I owned up to every argument being my fault. It is ironic. I never once agued or even cursed before I met this woman. She has problem with anxiety and reflects on the way she behaves. She has spent some time away in a mental institute before I met her. She has also been raped twice in her life, again once before and during her initial visit to London. You can somewhat see what a mess she has been exposed to. And what mess I have to clean up and deal with. She is confused.

 

In November of 2004 she decides to leave me over a big argument we had. I was under a lot of stress at work, but none of that is noticed. Again it’s my entire fault to her. She claims that I am the problem. And of course I own up that it is my fault. I have been acting strange and non-loving for some time. This is due to the fact that I may be home sick and confused over my marriage. I was turned into this because of the way I was treated and the person that my wife is. The augments don’t last long and it isn’t long before we are hugging and kissing again. But they never get resolved.

 

While separated she was with someone else. And again so was I. It seemed to be a battle to who can be one step ahead. The relationships I had seemed to put me back to where I originally was. Asking myself if this is the right person for me and if it would make me happier. The confusion of love and commitment overwhelmed me. After a month we got back together. Things slowly were put back in place and no arguments have taken place. Am I still happy? I cannot say. My heart has a place for others that I am trying to forget. The decisions I am now making may lead me in the same path. With my daughter as my commitment am I again forced or to try and regain my love for my wife?

 

I feel as if I cannot truly love her since she has had a relationship with someone else. A certain distance is at role and small steps are taken. She refuses to believe of my relationships that took place. I guess she doesn’t want to know the fact that I have been with someone else. I try so hard to tell her. But my words get stuck in my throat. Sex is no longer important to me. Love is what counts to me.

 

I guess I want to spend the rest of my life with her and my daughter. But am I sacrificing my happiness? Even if I was to find someone else, can true love last forever?

 

Thanks to you all for your time....

[clynn]

If you want to spend your life with her, it sounds like you do and you are committed, then i think counselling is in order.

 

Of course the memory of your "true loves" can outshine the current long term relatinship. They were romantic and fleeting. Most people are perfect under those circumstances.

 

Long term relatinoships can be gruelling and dificult. And it sounds as though you and your wife have some other difficult issues to contend with (her history of sexual abuse for instance). And also the relationships infidelities, which are mutual.

 

However, in spit of it, the two of you have remained and gotten back together.

 

That certainly shows something.

 

Go to counselling. IF she doesn't want to go, then go alone.