procrastinator123 Posted January 11, 2015 Posted January 11, 2015 Basically, there's this guy who I'm currently dating, who is way more into me than I am into him. We've been going out for just over a month. I'm not really certain how I feel about him, but I'm feeling quite a lot of pressure because he has gotten quite serious in a short space of time. I'm not really sure what to do; I don't want to hurt the guy, and my own emotional state is probably compromised as I'm only just coming out of depression. I'd really appreciate any advice.
Danda Posted January 11, 2015 Posted January 11, 2015 What are the specific details, as far as how you can tell that he is way more into you than you are into him, and that he is getting very serious so fast? Is it his behaviors, things he is saying, both? It's difficult to really give feedback without knowing these details. For example if he is just always very excited to see you and talk with you, I wouldn't say that's a red flag at all. However, if he is pressuring you for commitment or dropping the "love you" bomb, after only one month of dating, then dude probably has mental health issues and doesn't genuinely feel what he claims to. Typical "love bombing" behavior common from certain PD types like BPD or NPD. 2
Leigh 87 Posted January 11, 2015 Posted January 11, 2015 I only date guys who I am thrilled and excited about dating, and who also feel the same way about me and who show me through their actions that they reciprocate my feelings. Would you want to date a guy who you were way more into than he was into you? Probably not. It isn't a nice feeling although some couples swear that one party is more invested and in love.... I think you are better off waiting out for a man who you are really into and who also reciprocates your feelings. Chances are, if you have not felt the butterflies and the jolt of excitement when the guy texts or calls you by now, you never will. Do you want to miss out on the honey moon stage altogether? It doesn't have to be instant fire works, but by now you should be warming to him enough to get those new couple jitters and butterflies. Good luck. 2
40 Fonzarelli Posted January 11, 2015 Posted January 11, 2015 I think you're best bet would be to end it sooner than later.
A O Posted January 11, 2015 Posted January 11, 2015 I think you're best bet would be to end it sooner than later. Yeah, most likely but having said that, a couple of points (1) ain't it great to be liked and (2) there is nothing stopping Procrastinator from setting the pace for this relationship. Someone usually does after all. Go at a pace you're comfortable with Procrastinator and if this guy objects too much to this, well then, you're clearly not compatible.... 1
organizedchaos Posted January 11, 2015 Posted January 11, 2015 Basically, there's this guy who I'm currently dating, who is way more into me than I am into him. We've been going out for just over a month. I'm not really certain how I feel about him, but I'm feeling quite a lot of pressure because he has gotten quite serious in a short space of time. I'm not really sure what to do; I don't want to hurt the guy, and my own emotional state is probably compromised as I'm only just coming out of depression. I'd really appreciate any advice. Then perhaps you should stop referring to some guy you've only been dating for a month as your "boyfriend"? Do you call him that? If so, you're leading him on, letting him think you are serious about him.
preraph Posted January 11, 2015 Posted January 11, 2015 It's really near impossible to get someone who's moving fast to get a grip on themselves and slow down. I think most of the time if they comply, they're just faking it and remain overly invested. Some women like a guy like that and I think if they do, they probably lead a happy life. Most modern women I know do not feel comfortable in that situation though. You can always say no to commitment with him and say it's too soon and just refuse to be pressured, but it will likely put him in a tailspin. You can always just go along without rocking the boat and see how long it takes him to start finding fault with you and get you off the pedestal, too. Or you can get five or six cats. That will act as cold water on most guys.
writergal Posted January 11, 2015 Posted January 11, 2015 Then perhaps you should stop referring to some guy you've only been dating for a month as your "boyfriend"? Do you call him that? If so, you're leading him on, letting him think you are serious about him. I agree with this. OP, do you call him your boyfriend after just dating for one month? If you do, and you're not that into him then I think it's best to come clean and break things off right now with him, because you are leading him on. Being depressed isn't an excuse to lie to someone you're dating.
Leigh 87 Posted January 12, 2015 Posted January 12, 2015 Oh well - I know a couple who were both just really into each other from the get go, and it was mutual. They were boyfriend and gf after a month. Sometimes two people are just really into each other. That is what I look for - it may be harder to find a sane person who just genuinely is really into you - and you them - after a month, but I would rather hold out for strong mutual interest than to just coast along with a guy I am meh about, or who is meh about me to begin with. I am not saying you should adopt my approach; it is what I enjoy the most but it isn't for everyone.
shet Posted January 12, 2015 Posted January 12, 2015 Did I enter bizarro judgemental world in this thread? Where is this statute of limitations on professing love? A guy says it after a month, that's a lot different from saying it on day one. I'm pretty sure half you women saying it's wack are in other threads saying "say it when you feel it". We've got one up there accusing him of being ****ing bipolar. Because he told his girlfriend he loves her. Which is the next thing. When's the statute of limitations on calling someone a boyfriend of girlfriend? A month seeing each other seems like a good time to use those words to me, apparently I missed this memo. I'm going to the wedding on Friday of a couple who were pregnant with their now 3yo son within 6 months of starting the relationship. You want to tell me they're bipolar halfwits too? Because I'll say this: they aren't members on a dating forum complaining about their own, and passing judgement on other's, relationships. They're kinda busy.
thecrucible Posted January 12, 2015 Posted January 12, 2015 Don't make rash decisions and don't say 'I love you' back unless you feel it too. That's how I'd approach it. I think this is quite common actually, that one person might feel more strongly than the other. It doesn't mean that your relationship doesn't have potential. I wouldn't end it just yet.
GemmaUK Posted January 12, 2015 Posted January 12, 2015 Someone moving way too fast is a red flag for me. It's not a good feeling when you are feeling pressurised. What is he doing/saying to put the pressure on you?
Author procrastinator123 Posted January 12, 2015 Author Posted January 12, 2015 I did not expect this much advice so quick - thanks everyone. Behaviours that are making me think this: he has dropped the 'I love you' thing in. He also seemed quite wounded when i said I felt I couldn't say it back, and now it's made things really awkward. There's seems to be pressure to see him every day. To organised chaos and writergal - he started to call himself my boyfriend, so I guess I call him that as well. My question is, what else do you call someone you've been dating for over a month? And writergal, I'm not trying to use the depression as an excuse. That was actually quite a hurtful comment, though I appreciate that your trying to help. Basically, I'm trying to figure out what I'm feeling, and the depression is making that more difficult for me at the moment. Anyways, thanks everyone for your advice and opinions. I really appreciate it. 1
newlyborn Posted January 12, 2015 Posted January 12, 2015 that feeling you have is a response to someone who barely knows you claiming to love you and putting pressure on you to participate in this relationship at a level of depth clearly not yet achieved in reality. even though you are depressed, it might be a good idea to slow this down and put boundaries in place if you wish to continue: i.e., set limits in advance for yourself for how often you will speak to him or see him. and let him know these in a kind but firm way, and then stick to them. if even this sounds like too much, then, yes, you will need to break up with him very soon.
Leigh 87 Posted January 12, 2015 Posted January 12, 2015 Here are some fairly universal signs that you are really into a guy: - your heart races or leaps when he texts or calls you - you kind of worry sometimes about whether he likes you a lot (you really like him and you really, really hope he feels the same; you care how he feels about you) - he is on your mind a lot - you miss him when you're apart - you cannot wait to next see him You sound like you enjoy his company, but you could also take him or leave him; you won't be phased if he cancels plans or he gets super busy and you have to go longer than usual without seeing or speaking to him. You probably wouldn't care too much if he decided to break things off; you may miss his company at times, but you wouldn't exactly feed too bad about it. I am not advocating that it is healthy to cry in the foetal position for a day or days... if a guy dumps you after a month. Irrespective of HOW into a guy I am, I do not that invested enough to cry over him leaving me after a month, for crying out loud. It would be a real bummer though and I WOULD feel really bad about it for a day or two though; I would care! My heart would sink. Do you want to hold out for a man who excites you? Or would you rather continue on with this "relationship" with this man who you are so lukewarm about that you have to "figure out" how you feel about him?
Author procrastinator123 Posted January 12, 2015 Author Posted January 12, 2015 You guys are probably right, especially Leigh 87. That sounds a lot like me. Thank you both for helping me figure out the best thing to do. 1
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