Not sure to break up and walk away?

[Rko28]

Hi everyone, apologies if this is a tad lengthy, I'll keep it short as possible.

 

Last summer I met a girl through a mutual friend who blew me away, she was gorgeous, everything I'd ever hope for in meeting a girl, everything about her was amazing. Our mutual friend told me that she's not one for sleeping around, very trustworthy and just one of the nicest girls ever.

 

The night we met we ended up talking, dancing, kissing all night, swapped numbers then 1st week of September we went on our first date.

 

Since then everything was great, she lives about 40 min drive but works my way a lot so see her about 3 times a week. We'd swap texts saying how much we miss each other and looking forward to seeing each other etc, it was all too good to be true.

 

I asked in November if she saw our relationship going anywhere and she said definitely and she's not the type to lead someone on, she liked me and was enjoying what we were doing. We carried on dating.

 

In December she came and met my family, all got on well and it we were starting to get so close, I hadn't met her family because of a family issue at the time which is now sorted.

 

Mid December things went bad...

She's a semi pro dancer so does a few shows in theatres, Christmas was a busy time, she was doing 3 shows a day and I didn't see her for about 2 weeks, we tried (me harder than her) but schedules met we couldn't. It was horrible but we still spoke everyday.

 

New year things got worse...

I had t planned anything for NYE! This was her last show, she said she was going away with the cast for a couple of days for NYE as an end of show party. I was gutted as I wanted to see her but she said soon as she's home she'd come see me.

I noticed though thanks to Twitter that the people she was with weren't with her, she lied. She was with someone else.

I confrontedher when she got back and she admitted she went to see people she met off holiday but those got if she said that Id be upset as I wanted to see her. She said after the shows and having no life she wanted to get away. I was really hurt and upset that she lied, she was apologetic and I'm sure she didn't cheat but it's in my mind now that she's a liar.

 

I asked what are we and she said that she wants us to be official but because she hasn't seen me for a while she wants us to get close again which in a way I can understand.

 

All this was a week ago and since then I've been a wreck, I'm Costantly checking up on her on social media, checking what's app all the time, not eating, not sleeping, Im just not myself anymore.

 

I've also noticed on snapchat she has all male friends as her top friends which I don't like at all.

 

She's 25 I'm 32.

 

Any advice would be grateful.

 

Thanks

[evanescentworld]

If this is enough to wreck you, then you'd be better off single.

 

Really?

You're going to let this skirmish affect you to the point you're "a wreck"...?

 

She gave you reason, she apologised, she wants to be official with you....

 

Jeesh, you are quite a bit older than she is....

 

I feel like telling you to 'grow up' and get over it.

 

I realise some things can be devastating and ruin a relationship, but she's not your property and you sounded a bit clingy and desperate....

She's an independent young lady treading the boards, so quite extrovert and open-minded, and it doesn't surprise me she has a lot of guy friends.

If they're in the profession, chances are some of them may well be gay.

 

And as I pointed out in another thread, women are far more capable, and comfortable, in platonic relationships, than guys are.

Guys always have an "I'd love to get her between the sheets" agenda.

Which is why we love gay guys so much!

 

Gah! "Who needs crap like that?

 

"Not eating, not sleeping"....?

 

I'm sorry to ask - do you have anxiety issues? because really, you're making a Mount Everest out of a molehill....

[Rko28]

If this is enough to wreck you, then you'd be better off single.

 

Really?

You're going to let this skirmish affect you to the point you're "a wreck"...?

 

She gave you reason, she apologised, she wants to be official with you....

 

Jeesh, you are quite a bit older than she is....

 

I feel like telling you to 'grow up' and get over it.

 

I realise some things can be devastating and ruin a relationship, but she's not your property and you sounded a bit clingy and desperate....

She's an independent young lady treading the boards, so quite extrovert and open-minded, and it doesn't surprise me she has a lot of guy friends.

If they're in the profession, chances are some of them may well be gay.

 

And as I pointed out in another thread, women are far more capable, and comfortable, in platonic relationships, than guys are.

Guys always have an "I'd love to get her between the sheets" agenda.

Which is why we love gay guys so much!

 

Gah! "Who needs crap like that?

 

"Not eating, not sleeping"....?

 

I'm sorry to ask - do you have anxiety issues? because really, you're making a Mount Everest out of a molehill....

 

From past relationships I do think I've got some kind of anxiety issues yes, how I'm reacting to this might not be normal which is why I joined here. I want people's opinions even if they are brutal.

 

The guys on her snapchat are not gay, infact one is a know womaniser.

 

It's just being lied to that's hard to forget and now thinking all sorts

[evanescentworld]

Well, I think you need to discuss this with her.

If lying is this big an issue with you, perhaps you also could benefit from counselling.

 

You need to analyse specifically what component of her lie unnerved you so much.

 

And by the way - the guys she knows aren't the problem, are they?

It's the fact she has guy friends....some of whom are keen on ladies...

 

Could it be that you don't trust her to be able to resist them....?

 

So maybe the lying isn't the problem.

maybe you have Trust issues.

[Rko28]

Well, I think you need to discuss this with her.

If lying is this big an issue with you, perhaps you also could benefit from counselling.

 

You need to analyse specifically what component of her lie unnerved you so much.

 

And by the way - the guys she knows aren't the problem, are they?

It's the fact she has guy friends....some of whom are keen on ladies...

 

Could it be that you don't trust her to be able to resist them....?

 

So maybe the lying isn't the problem.

maybe you have Trust issues.

See that's the funny thing, I trusted her 100% like no other girl I'd ever met thence new year thing happened.

 

I've got no problem with girls having male friends, but being a male myself I know what they think and how they act.

 

The component of the lie that rattled me was she was lying to my face about what she got up to with the people she was meant to be with, the fact that if I had t have seen the pictures I wouldn't have questioned if it was a lie. Now in my head I'm thinking how many other lies has she told?

[evanescentworld]

Like I said then, I think, before this gets too big for you to handle, you need to sit her down and explain that you have some anxiety issues, and while she may not see it as a big deal, this episode really shook you....

 

Try to discuss this as an acceptance of the matter being a problem YOU have with it.... but explain to her that, unbeknownst to her, you were really hurt by this, and it shook your faith in her.

 

You KNOW she can come up with all kinds of reasons for what she did - but they're not justifications....

And it's giving you real problems.

 

How does she feel you can both work through this, together?

 

if after all that, she still tries to deflect or considers it trivial, then yes, I would seriously think about whether you can continue with this relationship....

[Rko28]

Like I said then, I think, before this gets too big for you to handle, you need to sit her down and explain that you have some anxiety issues, and while she may not see it as a big deal, this episode really shook you....

 

Try to discuss this as an acceptance of the matter being a problem YOU have with it.... but explain to her that, unbeknownst to her, you were really hurt by this, and it shook your faith in her.

 

You KNOW she can come up with all kinds of reasons for what she did - but they're not justifications....

And it's giving you real problems.

 

How does she feel you can both work through this, together?

 

if after all that, she still tries to deflect or considers it trivial, then yes, I would seriously think about whether you can continue with this relationship....

Thank you.

I understand why she lied, in a way it was to not upset me, if she was a professional liar I guess she would've made up people she was with and not real people with a chance I could see pictures.

 

From her actions, crying, shaking, saying sorry, begging for forgiveness I think she is genuinely sorry.

 

I'm just wondering now if me finding this out(snooping) has made her question me and that's why she feels distant?

[evanescentworld]

Perhaps she feels the guilt.

Something has happened to jar the good stuff, and she feels it's out of kilter.

 

have a talk with her.

Clear the air.

[Rko28]

Perhaps she feels the guilt.

Something has happened to jar the good stuff, and she feels it's out of kilter.

 

have a talk with her.

Clear the air.

 

I think you hit the nail on the head there.

 

We did have a huge talk about it and at the time I thoght I was ready to be at peace so said lets move on and not talk about it. Last night was the first date we've had without mentioning it.

 

I guess time wil tell although I'd like to read some more opinions on here.

 

Also, she logged into my old laptop and saved her password. I haven't gone on it even though it could give me peace of mind or make it ten times worse!

[Friskyone4u]

Someone told you "us gals are better having platonic male friends ".

Problem with that statement is that this forum is filled with betrayed men where the AP was " just a friend". The next thing you will hear is

"I was drunk". I didn't mean for it to happen

"I made a mistake. We were just hanging out"

"I slept with him but I still want to be friends"

Yes she can have male friends, but not make friends that she lies to you abuout going off with, who you don't know and she makes no attempt to have you meet, and who she needs to go spend time with away from you when she tells you she can't see you.

If you are in a committed exclusion e relationship she should of be hanging out with men you don't know about and think she is somewhere else.

My advice. Tell her to keep her friends and find yourself a new girl

[evanescentworld]

Someone told you "us gals are better having platonic male friends ".

Problem with that statement is that this forum is filled with betrayed men where the AP was " just a friend". The next thing you will hear is

"I was drunk". I didn't mean for it to happen

"I made a mistake. We were just hanging out"

"I slept with him but I still want to be friends"

Yes she can have male friends, but not make friends that she lies to you abuout going off with, who you don't know and she makes no attempt to have you meet, and who she needs to go spend time with away from you when she tells you she can't see you.

If you are in a committed exclusion e relationship she should of be hanging out with men you don't know about and think she is somewhere else.

My advice. Tell her to keep her friends and find yourself a new girl

 

too 'cut-and-dried', too 'black-and-white'.

 

Nope.

 

My advice still stands.

And FWIW, I believe the OP would rather make a go of it, than give this knee-jerk reaction.

 

I believe....

[Rko28]

too 'cut-and-dried', too 'black-and-white'.

 

Nope.

 

My advice still stands.

And FWIW, I believe the OP would rather make a go of it, than give this knee-jerk reaction.

 

I believe....

 

Absolutely. I've been thinking it over for a week now and tbh what you e said tonight has really hit a chord and made me feel better. I'm very appreciative of your advice thank you.

 

IF however (like I told her) I find out anything like this again I won't be as forgiving

[Danda]

OP I think you're overwhelming her. You say things got "bad" and were "horrible" because she was really busy with her work for two weeks and could only talk and not hang out. Then you were "gutted" because she went to a celebration with her cast mates. Even though she said she would come see you when it was over AND kept in communication with you throughout this time period. You sound needy as all holy hell and probably communicated in no uncertain terms that you would have a damn near mental breakdown if she didn't give her first free five minutes to you. I think it's no wonder that she lied about going to see some friends while she was there. Look at how ridiculous you are about this topic. If she hadn't lied and had told you she was seeing some friends there first, instead of rushing back right away to you, what would have been the next level up from "horrible" and "gutted"? Traumatized?

 

And for all you know she stopped and bought a bagel, and chatted with the guy who owned the store for 20 minutes, but she didn't tell you about that. So therefore she is an even BIGGER liar. From your posts I don't see indication that you have considered how off-the-deep-end you are probably coming across to her. If she was crying and apologizing it's probably more to do with how hysterical you were than her actually being in the wrong.

 

Now you are cyber-stalking her and not eating?

 

Now she's going to be afraid to tell you when she goes to hang out with people for fear that you're gonna fly back off the deep end, but if she doesn't tell you and you find out, then you're gonna fly off the deep end and call her a liar. How is she supposed to get it right here? Spend all of her available free time with you unless she has your permission to hang out with other people, lest you have a meltdown?

 

Look being really blunt here not to be mean but because you sound like you need a serious wake up call. You seem to have mental health issues and if you don't acknowledge that and start working on them, then you are going to wreck this relationship as well as future ones until you get yourself sorted out.

[preraph]

When I had a bf I desperately did not want to lose, I still used to go off on the odd overnight or evening excursion with other guys who were friends, and they were good looking guys. At the time, I barely gave it a thought that it could send the bf into a tailspin, and it didn't seem to. I didn't try to hide it. I'd say "____ and I are going to (town) to see (band)." He was in the same rough circle of people, so he at least understood that music was the priority and you didn't turn down good tickets or passes for a band you loved, no matter who was offering it up.

 

It's not always about chasing some other guy. Sometimes it really is about something else. Can't say in this instance. But it sounds like she did need a break after working hard and it does sound like she wanted to get to know these other people better. Maybe they are someone connected with her career or who might be good to know and help her sometime. Have another talk about it and find out what they do and everything. If they're not connected to her career in any way, find out which one of them she knows best. Just try to get some more info without making her too defensive.

[Rko28]

OP I think you're overwhelming her. You say things got "bad" and were "horrible" because she was really busy with her work for two weeks and could only talk and not hang out. Then you were "gutted" because she went to a celebration with her cast mates. Even though she said she would come see you when it was over AND kept in communication with you throughout this time period. You sound needy as all holy hell and probably communicated in no uncertain terms that you would have a damn near mental breakdown if she didn't give her first free five minutes to you. I think it's no wonder that she lied about going to see some friends while she was there. Look at how ridiculous you are about this topic. If she hadn't lied and had told you she was seeing some friends there first, instead of rushing back right away to you, what would have been the next level up from "horrible" and "gutted"? Traumatized?

 

And for all you know she stopped and bought a bagel, and chatted with the guy who owned the store for 20 minutes, but she didn't tell you about that. So therefore she is an even BIGGER liar. From your posts I don't see indication that you have considered how off-the-deep-end you are probably coming across to her. If she was crying and apologizing it's probably more to do with how hysterical you were than her actually being in the wrong.

 

Now you are cyber-stalking her and not eating?

 

Now she's going to be afraid to tell you when she goes to hang out with people for fear that you're gonna fly back off the deep end, but if she doesn't tell you and you find out, then you're gonna fly off the deep end and call her a liar. How is she supposed to get it right here? Spend all of her available free time with you unless she has your permission to hang out with other people, lest you have a meltdown?

 

Look being really blunt here not to be mean but because you sound like you need a serious wake up call. You seem to have mental health issues and if you don't acknowledge that and start working on them, then you are going to wreck this relationship as well as future ones until you get yourself sorted out.

In my defence I never acted clingy with work, I understood where she was coming from so that wasn't an issue, also she didn't go with the cast, that was a lie to make it seem it was an extension of her work.

 

I actually was also calm whe I confronted her, I didn't raise my voice or shout, I actually surprised myself how cool I was.

 

Thanks for your input though, it is possible I do have some kind of issue that needs addressing

[Satu]

All this was a week ago and since then I've been a wreck, I'm Costantly checking up on her on social media, checking what's app all the time, not eating, not sleeping, Im just not myself anymore.

 

I've also noticed on snapchat she has all male friends as her top friends which I don't like at all.

 

She's 25 I'm 32.

 

Any advice would be grateful.

 

Thanks

 

You need to get a grip on yourself, or you're gonna kill this stone dead.

 

Start eating.

 

Start sleeping.

 

Sort yourself out.

[Rko28]

You need to get a grip on yourself, or you're gonna kill this stone dead.

 

Start eating.

 

Start sleeping.

 

Sort yourself out.

 

Easier said than done!

 

Also I've noticed she's very protective of her phone, if it goes off when I'm with her she me we answers it or looks at it, phone is always face down and when we are out for food etc if I go the toilet she's straight on the phone.

[Satu]

Easier said than done!

 

Also I've noticed she's very protective of her phone, if it goes off when I'm with her she me we answers it or looks at it, phone is always face down and when we are out for food etc if I go the toilet she's straight on the phone.

 

You'll kill it before it has a chance to grow.

 

Pity, she sounds nice.

[Rko28]

You'll kill it before it has a chance to grow.

 

Pity, she sounds nice.

 

What's your advice for getting a grip then?

[Satu]

What's your advice for getting a grip then?

 

As an absolute bare minimum, this done consistently, every day:

 

Eat enough and eat healthily.

Drink enough water. 1.5L for a female, 2L for a male.

Get a bit more rest than you think you need.

Do some easy exercise - nothing too strenuous.

Find and consistently use self-calming and self-soothing skills.

Keep absolutely up to date with your responsibilities, and things you have to do.

 

Thats the absolute bare minimum you have to do to keep yourself ticking over.

 

If you want to feel great, you have to do more than that.

[spiderowl]

If someone starts a relationship, they will still have old relationships in the background. I don't mean romantic relationships. Maybe some could have been but she chose them not to be, some could be friends, some could have been rejected but still like to see her. At first, if a new partner starts watching your every move, it can seem oppressive. Just because there are other people you see or spend time with doesn't mean you are having a romantic relationship with them or sex. Imagine you are this person, what do you do? Do you drop everyone who likes to chat to you? Do you avoid male friends? Do you tell your new partner that you had a relationship with one of them in the past or that you know one would like one but you've never gone there? No, you just keep it quiet because nothing happened and you know it will upset him if people from your past even exist.

 

Gradually, in a new relationship, things will become clearer. Your status becomes clearer, etc. If you demand that she go from being single to being in a relationship in a very short time, her only recourse is to lie so as not to be rude to her friends.

 

Once in a relationship, which you have both agreed the status of, she should still have freedom to see her friends and you'd need to trust her to be faithful to you.

[Rko28]

If someone starts a relationship, they will still have old relationships in the background. I don't mean romantic relationships. Maybe some could have been but she chose them not to be, some could be friends, some could have been rejected but still like to see her. At first, if a new partner starts watching your every move, it can seem oppressive. Just because there are other people you see or spend time with doesn't mean you are having a romantic relationship with them or sex. Imagine you are this person, what do you do? Do you drop everyone who likes to chat to you? Do you avoid male friends? Do you tell your new partner that you had a relationship with one of them in the past or that you know one would like one but you've never gone there? No, you just keep it quiet because nothing happened and you know it will upset him if people from your past even exist.

 

Gradually, in a new relationship, things will become clearer. Your status becomes clearer, etc. If you demand that she go from being single to being in a relationship in a very short time, her only recourse is to lie so as not to be rude to her friends.

 

Once in a relationship, which you have both agreed the status of, she should still have freedom to see her friends and you'd need to trust her to be faithful to you.

 

I know, I have a habit of over thinking things then thinking the worst, it's probably made worse because she's not from my home town so I don't know a great deal about her, only what she's told me.

 

Can't help but check this morning on whatsapp..... She was on it at like 4am chatting. It's things like that which really set me off

[Satu]

I know, I have a habit of over thinking things then thinking the worst, it's probably made worse because she's not from my home town so I don't know a great deal about her, only what she's told me.

 

Can't help but check this morning on whatsapp..... She was on it at like 4am chatting. It's things like that which really set me off

 

Your distrust has become paranoia.

 

Some therapy might help.

[Rko28]

Your distrust has become paranoia.

 

Some therapy might help.

 

So you would see nothing wrong with what im seeing?

 

As for therapy where would I start? going to the doctor or seeking it somewhere else?

 

Thanks

[Satu]

So you would see nothing wrong with what I'm seeing?

Personally speaking, no, I wouldn't. My phone behaviour is similar to hers, and I'm not doing anything sinister.

 

If someone told me one lie and apologised, I would forgive it, and let it go.

 

I have very close friendships with people of both sexes, and gender has never once been a problem. If it's a couple, I meet sometimes with the male party, sometimes with the female, and sometimes with both. These are very healthy relationships, and we see each other often.

 

As for therapy where would I start? Going to the doctor or seeking it somewhere else?

 

I would go online and find a therapist locally.

 

Thanks

 

You need to tackle your issues before you'll be able to have a healthy relationship.

 

When I say, 'issues', I mean obsessively checking up on the persons behaviour, looking for transgressions, and ruminating on what you find, or might find.

 

It seems to be a form of Hypervigilance.

 

Couple that with not eating and not sleeping, and it becomes clear that your problem is with yourself, and in yourself.

Edited January 12, 2015 by Satu