Not sure to break up and walk away?

[Rko28]

You need to tackle your issues before you'll be able to have a healthy relationship.

 

When I say, 'issues', I mean obsessively checking up on the persons behaviour, looking for transgressions, and ruminating on what you find, or might find.

 

It seems to be a form of Hypervigilance.

 

Couple that with not eating and not sleeping, and it becomes clear that your problem is with yourself, and in yourself.

 

Interesting read, thanks.

 

Can I ask you personally though, if this had happened to you, how you would've dealt with the misplaced trust. Would you have brushed it aside or would it have played on your mind?

 

Please be as brutal and honest as you can

[Satu]

Interesting read, thanks.

Can I ask you personally though, if this had happened to you, how you would've dealt with the misplaced trust. Would you have brushed it aside or would it have played on your mind?

 

Once it had been talked about and an apology offered, it wouldn't be a problem to me at all. I wouldn't give it any more thought.

 

Please be as brutal and honest as you can

 

I've no desire to be brutal, but I will be honest.

 

You are stuck on a mental merry go round, thinking, thinking, thinking, about possible transgressions, looking for evidence, looking for problems, and it's destroying any chance of something nice ever developing between you and this woman. Or with any other woman, for that matter, because you are functioning at zero percent trust.

 

It's not about her. Its about you.

 

It's about your thoughts, your feelings, your behaviour.

 

Thoughts are behaviour.

 

The way you are thinking will make everything that should be easy and natural, brittle and awkward. Your interactions with her will feel 'tight' and stilted, and she'll find it hard, or impossible, to be at ease in your company, because people can sense when they are being scrutinised.

 

You should turn your attention to yourself, and find some peace inside yourself, and with yourself.

 

Get some therapy and learn some self-calming and self-soothing methods.

 

Give your mind a rest.

 

Here is something to think about:

 

To be loved, be loving.

To find peace, be peaceful.

If you want to be understood, be understanding.

If you want someone to be interested in you, be interested in them.

If you want kindness, be kind.

If you want to be forgiven, be forgiving.

If you want friendship, be friendly.

If you want to be trusted, be trusting.

 

You could carry on building that list forever, but I think you get the point.

 

I wish you well.

[Rko28]

I've no desire to be brutal, but I will be honest.

 

You are stuck on a mental merry go round, thinking, thinking, thinking, about possible transgressions, looking for evidence, looking for problems, and it's destroying any chance of something nice ever developing between you and this woman. Or with any other woman, for that matter, because you are functioning at zero percent trust.

 

It's not about her. Its about you.

 

It's about your thoughts, your feelings, your behaviour.

 

Thoughts are behaviour.

 

The way you are thinking will make everything that should be easy and natural, brittle and awkward. Your interactions with her will feel 'tight' and stilted, and she'll find it hard, or impossible, to be at ease in your company, because people can sense when they are being scrutinised.

 

You should turn your attention to yourself, and find some peace inside yourself, and with yourself.

 

Get some therapy and learn some self-calming and self-soothing methods.

 

Give your mind a rest.

 

Here is something to think about:

 

To be loved, be loving.

To find peace, be peaceful.

If you want to be understood, be understanding.

If you want someone to be interested in you, be interested in them.

If you want kindness, be kind.

If you want to be forgiven, be forgiving.

If you want friendship, be friendly.

If you want to be trusted, be trusting.

 

You could carry on building that list forever, but I think you get the point.

 

I wish you well.

 

You're absolutely right, today Ive been busy, saw friends and have felt pretty good, I've stopped myself a few times from checking up and it feels good.

 

However the feeling has hit me a few times about the lying and then I question other things she might have lied about. I don't think this is ALL to do with me, end of the day she has actually lied.

 

Hopefully Ive at least started on a good path today.

[Satu]

You're absolutely right, today Ive been busy, saw friends and have felt pretty good, I've stopped myself a few times from checking up and it feels good.

 

However the feeling has hit me a few times about the lying and then I question other things she might have lied about. I don't think this is ALL to do with me, end of the day she has actually lied.

 

Hopefully Ive at least started on a good path today.

 

Glad you had a better day.

 

I'm sorry, but it is all about you.

 

She told a lie, but your reaction to it is generated by you.

 

She didn't make you stay up all night monitoring her social media activities. She didn't make you get so pre-occupied that you forgot to eat.

 

I wouldn't be bothered a bit by it. Why does it bother you so much, that you actually went off the rails for a few days?

 

What she did belongs 100% to her. She has all the responsibility for that, but all your feelings, thoughts reactions, and suspicion, belong 100% to you, and you have all the responsibility for that. She's not responsible for your behaviour, you are.

 

She didn't take your trust away. You withdrew it. Was there much to be withdrawn?

 

If you are not willing to extend some trust to her, its over between you two before it had a chance to grow. The fact that you are checking up on her shows that you are giving her zero percent trust. Are you really so risk-averse?

 

You put me in mind of someone who wants to win a lottery, but is unwilling to buy a ticket because it might be the wrong one

 

I have two questions for you:

 

1. Do you feel that your reaction to her lie has been useful and productive?

 

2. Is that how you really want to feel?

Edited January 12, 2015 by Satu

[Rko28]

Glad you had a better day.

 

I'm sorry, but it is all about you.

 

She told a lie, but your reaction to it is generated by you.

 

She didn't make you stay up all night monitoring her social media activities. She didn't make you get so pre-occupied that you forgot to eat.

 

I wouldn't be bothered a bit by it. Why does it bother you so much, that you actually went off the rails for a few days?

 

What she did belongs 100% to her. She has all the responsibility for that, but all your feelings, thoughts reactions, and suspicion, belong 100% to you, and you have all the responsibility for that. She's not responsible for your behaviour, you are.

 

She didn't take your trust away. You withdrew it. Was there much to be withdrawn?

 

If you are not willing to extend some trust to her, its over between you two before it had a chance to grow. The fact that you are checking up on her shows that you are giving her zero percent trust. Are you really so risk-averse?

 

You put me in mind of someone who wants to win a lottery, but is unwilling to buy a ticket because it might be the wrong one

 

I have two questions for you:

 

1. Do you feel that your reaction to her lie has been useful and productive?

 

2. Is that how you really want to feel?

 

You decide.

 

I'll say again, I trusted her 100% up until I found out she was with different people other than she said she was. I didn't snoop or anything like that.

 

And no not atall, my reaction to go in to checking has been awful. My friends even said today I need to reign it in pronto as it will ruin it all.

 

Are there any forums or threads on here that offer advice to help myself build up trust again?

 

I just look at her sometimes and wonder why she's with me, don't get me wrong, without sounding big headed I am a good person, I don't think I have a bad bone in my body and I'm not unattractive, but I know she could do a lot better than me, I think that's a worry that she will find someone better

[Satu]

I'll say again, I trusted her 100% up until I found out she was with different people other than she said she was. I didn't snoop or anything like that.

 

And no not atall, my reaction to go in to checking has been awful. My friends even said today I need to reign it in pronto as it will ruin it all.

 

Are there any forums or threads on here that offer advice to help myself build up trust again?

 

I just look at her sometimes and wonder why she's with me, don't get me wrong, without sounding big headed *I am a good person, I don't think I have a bad bone in my body and I'm not unattractive, but I know she could do a lot better than me, I think that's a worry that she will find someone better

 

I'm sure you are, and I must say I find you very likeable. Your honesty and open-mindedness are very admirable.

 

My question now is how do you want to feel about this situation?

 

We do always have a choice.

 

Have a look inside yourself and tell me how you'd really like to feel about this.

 

Then we can work out how to get you feeling the way you want to feel

[Rko28]

I'm sure you are, and I must say I find you very likeable. Your honesty and open-mindedness are very admirable.

 

My question now is how do you want to feel about this situation?

 

We do always have a choice.

 

Have a look inside yourself and tell me how you'd really like to feel about this.

 

Then we can work out how to get you feeling the way you want to feel

Thank you

 

I just want to get back to it was before her shows, not freaking out if I didn't hear off her much, not over analysing everything, just being in a place that I thought everything was working and I didn't even have to try for it to work, it was happening so easy and was care free.

 

I know after 4 months you can't know one completely but for the first time in my life I thought I'd actually found the girl I could see myself being with forever. I might've been caught up in the moment but I'd never been with someone like this before in that everything worked, I was in to her just as much as she was in to me.

 

So that's what I want, right now it's far away from that.

 

I'm not even sure after all this if she's feeling it less also, or I'm over thinking. I have given her chances to walk away or end it after new year because I admitted I snooped on her, albeit on social media for the world to see.

[Satu]

Thank you

 

I just want to get back to it was before her shows, not freaking out if I didn't hear off her much, not over analysing everything, just being in a place that I thought everything was working and I didn't even have to try for it to work, it was happening so easy and was care free.

 

I know after 4 months you can't know one completely but for the first time in my life I thought I'd actually found the girl I could see myself being with forever. I might've been caught up in the moment but I'd never been with someone like this before in that everything worked, I was in to her just as much as she was in to me.

 

So that's what I want, right now it's far away from that.

 

I'm not even sure after all this if she's feeling it less also, or I'm over thinking. I have given her chances to walk away or end it after new year because I admitted I snooped on her, albeit on social media for the world to see.

 

What you could do now if you want, is to decide how much trust you'd be comfortable extending to her for a limited time, without causing yourself any major discomfort.

 

What this means is that you would accept a minimal amount of risk, with the possibility of an incredibly high return.

 

So, how much trust are you willing to extend to her in the next ten days?

 

Express it as a percentage.

 

There is a condition, though.

 

You'd have to be willing not to check up on her in that time...

Edited January 13, 2015 by Satu

[Rko28]

What you could do now if you want, is to decide how much trust you'd be comfortable extending to her for a limited time, without causing yourself any major discomfort.

 

What this means is that you would accept a minimal amount of risk, with the possibility of an incredibly high return.

 

So, how much trust are you willing to extend to her in the next ten days?

 

Express it as a percentage.

 

There is a condition, though.

 

You'd have to be willing not to check up on her in that time...

 

Seems like a good idea, like I said today I've cut right down on checking up on her, I'm ashamed to say I've done it but not to the degree of the last few weeks.

 

I'm hoping tomorrow to cut down even more or not at all as I do feel better for not doing it. Also I'm seeing her tomorrow which makes me feel better.

 

You're really good at this advice satu, thank you very much. Are you a professional?

[Satu]

Seems like a good idea, like I said today I've cut right down on checking up on her, I'm ashamed to say I've done it but not to the degree of the last few weeks.

 

I'm hoping tomorrow to cut down even more or not at all as I do feel better for not doing it. Also I'm seeing her tomorrow which makes me feel better.

 

You're really good at this advice satu, thank you very much. Are you a professional?

 

I think you're doing really well and making good decisions.

 

Just give her a bit of trust, and things will start to find a point of balance. Its like the swing of a pendulum that always comes to rest.

 

The potential return on that bit of trust is astronomical.

 

Above all else, enjoy your time together tomorrow.

[spiderowl]

You're absolutely right, today Ive been busy, saw friends and have felt pretty good, I've stopped myself a few times from checking up and it feels good.

 

However the feeling has hit me a few times about the lying and then I question other things she might have lied about. I don't think this is ALL to do with me, end of the day she has actually lied.

 

Hopefully Ive at least started on a good path today.

 

I can understand why the lying bothers you. I have lied to guys about other guys. I'm not going to tell a guy who I've just started seeing that I'm still in touch with two other guys who asked me out. I didn't go out with them, I went out with him. I don't know what to do about them - they seem nice, decent people and I've only just met you. Maybe you and I won't get on so well? I don't know at this point. Do I cut the others off just like that? Am I keeping them as options? Maybe. But at the moment you are the one I want to see and if it goes well, they will disappear into the background because I would never have a sexual relationship with more than one guy at once. In my mind, I'm a totally faithful person. If you ask me if I'm talking to anyone else, what would I say?

Edited January 13, 2015 by spiderowl

[Quiet Storm]

You need better coping skills, but you aren't wrong to not trust her. We should be bothered when people lie to us. You are having anxiety because your mind knows you can never trust her, but your heart still wants her. You are torn, and that's creating stress for you. Work on your coping skills. Since you have anxiety issues, the last thing you need is a girl that's going to lie to you. Lying shows a clear lack of respect, and could also be a sign of character issues. Your anxiety is your subconscious saying "this girl's not good for you".

[Rko28]

You need better coping skills, but you aren't wrong to not trust her. We should be bothered when people lie to us. You are having anxiety because your mind knows you can never trust her, but your heart still wants her. You are torn, and that's creating stress for you. Work on your coping skills. Since you have anxiety issues, the last thing you need is a girl that's going to lie to you. Lying shows a clear lack of respect, and could also be a sign of character issues. Your anxiety is your subconscious saying "this girl's not good for you".

 

This.

 

See, anxiety aside, even if I didn't have it doesn't mean lying wouldn't bother me. You are absolutely right about that.

 

Interesting you mention subconscious there, is that your "gut feeling" and if so is it always correct?

[Rko28]

I can understand why the lying bothers you. I have lied to guys about other guys. I'm not going to tell a guy who I've just started seeing that I'm still in touch with two other guys who asked me out. I didn't go out with them, I went out with him. I don't know what to do about them - they seem nice, decent people and I've only just met you. Maybe you and I won't get on so well? I don't know at this point. Do I cut the others off just like that? Am I keeping them as options? Maybe. But at the moment you are the one I want to see and if it goes well, they will disappear into the background because I would never have a sexual relationship with more than one guy at once. In my mind, I'm a totally faithful person. If you ask me if I'm talking to anyone else, what would I say?

 

I take what you're saying on board here. I'm sure in the past I've done the same as you but with regards to this girl after a couple of dates and knowing "I really like this girl, I want to be with her" I cut contact with any other potential dates.

 

She fede the line of "im not like that" when it came to cheating, her ex of 6 years cheated on her twice 2 years ago and she's beem single since, so that's why I don't think she's cheated because she knows what the pain is like.

 

I just thought after 4 months you would know if someone is going to work for you and cut contact with other guys that are interested.

 

Just to point out I have no idea if she is talking to other guys but and here's the biggy, I trust her that she isn't meeting them but that's because she's such a busy girl with work etc she doesn't have the time to.

[Quiet Storm]

This.

 

See, anxiety aside, even if I didn't have it doesn't mean lying wouldn't bother me. You are absolutely right about that.

 

Interesting you mention subconscious there, is that your "gut feeling" and if so is it always correct?

 

 

Right- your anxiety is redundant, as her behavior would be a "red flag" to those that are 100% emotionally healthy. It seems like a lot of the advice you are getting is assuming your anxiety and issues are the problem. I would agree if you were making accusations about her character with no basis in reality. But that's not the scenario. She admitted lying to you... it wasn't a result of your anxiety or any paranoia.

 

Yes, I think your anxiety is based on your gut feeling, which is a result of an admitted lie and her secretive behavior about other men. So it's not just a random gut feeling, there is actually truth there that prompted your gut feeling. So now you have to decide if you will listen to those warning bells.

 

When an individual has issues, such as anxiety or depression, it's important to carefully choose your friends, girlfriends, etc. It's up to you to recognize that you may be more sensitive due to your issues, so you must prepare for that. Anyone that has anxiety issues should do their best to reduce the amount of drama in their lives. It's part of loving yourself and taking care of yourself. Just like a diabetic must limit their sugar, you must cut out the liars, game players, etc. They will only make your anxiety worse.

 

It's only a short relationship, and I don't see the point of saving it. I think the lying showed a deep lack of respect for you. Instead of considering your feelings and/or reassuring you, she decided to "manage" you. Liars always spin this type of lie as "protecting your feelings", when it's really about them. In my opinion, she wasn't trying to protect you. It's more likely that she didn't feel like dealing with your feelings, she didn't want to have to explain herself and she didn't want to have a real adult conversation about it. So it was easier to lie. And someone with a good character that genuinely cared for you, wouldn't take the easy way out with a lie.

 

Plus, it's not just one lie. You also have suspicions about other guys. If a lie ramps up your anxiety, how do you think you'll feel when you find out more? For your own sanity, let it go.

[Rko28]

Right- your anxiety is redundant, as her behavior would be a "red flag" to those that are 100% emotionally healthy. It seems like a lot of the advice you are getting is assuming your anxiety and issues are the problem. I would agree if you were making accusations about her character with no basis in reality. But that's not the scenario. She admitted lying to you... it wasn't a result of your anxiety or any paranoia.

 

Yes, I think your anxiety is based on your gut feeling, which is a result of an admitted lie and her secretive behavior about other men. So it's not just a random gut feeling, there is actually truth there that prompted your gut feeling. So now you have to decide if you will listen to those warning bells.

 

When an individual has issues, such as anxiety or depression, it's important to carefully choose your friends, girlfriends, etc. It's up to you to recognize that you may be more sensitive due to your issues, so you must prepare for that. Anyone that has anxiety issues should do their best to reduce the amount of drama in their lives. It's part of loving yourself and taking care of yourself. Just like a diabetic must limit their sugar, you must cut out the liars, game players, etc. They will only make your anxiety worse.

 

It's only a short relationship, and I don't see the point of saving it. I think the lying showed a deep lack of respect for you. Instead of considering your feelings and/or reassuring you, she decided to "manage" you. Liars always spin this type of lie as "protecting your feelings", when it's really about them. In my opinion, she wasn't trying to protect you. It's more likely that she didn't feel like dealing with your feelings, she didn't want to have to explain herself and she didn't want to have a real adult conversation about it. So it was easier to lie. And someone with a good character that genuinely cared for you, wouldn't take the easy way out with a lie.

 

Plus, it's not just one lie. You also have suspicions about other guys. If a lie ramps up your anxiety, how do you think you'll feel when you find out more? For your own sanity, let it go.

 

Thanks for that, makes me feel like it's not all my fault here. Out of interest is your advice as a male or female?

 

I hate to ask this but, I will, she logged onto her facebook a while back on my laptop and saved her password. I've never accessed it, do you think I should do?

 

1: I can see if she's messaging other guys and know if I should walk away

2: I might see she's messaging no other guys and can put my feelings to bed once and for all

 

The temptation is there I must admit

[Quiet Storm]

Thanks for that, makes me feel like it's not all my fault here. Out of interest is your advice as a male or female?

 

I hate to ask this but, I will, she logged onto her facebook a while back on my laptop and saved her password. I've never accessed it, do you think I should do?

 

1: I can see if she's messaging other guys and know if I should walk away

2: I might see she's messaging no other guys and can put my feelings to bed once and for all

 

The temptation is there I must admit

 

I'm a 38 year old married woman. My advice is coming from a place where I have loved ones with anxiety issues. I also think even small lies are a bad sign.

 

I don't think you should look at her Facebook. That's just disrespect on top of disrespect. Don't lower yourself to that. She is the liar and the sneaky one. Keep your integrity intact.

 

This is a short relationship, and she's already lied, she's talking to other guys, now you want to snoop...too much, too soon. Just let it go.

[Rko28]

I'm a 38 year old married woman. My advice is coming from a place where I have loved ones with anxiety issues. I also think even small lies are a bad sign.

 

I don't think you should look at her Facebook. That's just disrespect on top of disrespect. Don't lower yourself to that. She is the liar and the sneaky one. Keep your integrity intact.

 

This is a short relationship, and she's already lied, she's talking to other guys, now you want to snoop...too much, too soon. Just let it go.

 

I think I might have to bring it up today.

 

She seems so distant the past week, Ive had to bring up making arrangmenets to meet, she takes ages to reply to texts when ebfore they used to be instantly, she doesnt seem so close when we do meet, she just doesnt seem "there" anymore.

 

If anythign she should have doubled her efforts to prove to me she can be trusted.