Social anxiety with girls:Did I come off as weak/needy/ insecure with this text?

[Lockey1995]

Hey,

 

I listed this as it being one text but there's more info side of here which I thought would be useful information.

 

I've always been someone who over thinks everything, anxiety etc. It can get crippling when I talk to girls I've been over thinking this for a about a week now and i Just can't get it off my mind but I'm pretty sure I have actually messed up here.

 

About 2 weeks ago I found out a girl that was in my job induction liked me according to a friend I worked with, So I started talking to her a little although be it nervously, but in the induction I told her I've always been very shy and I think she understood.She's also very shy, but I managed to talk a bit I was asking her about what she does and so on, she said she goes to college we were talking about that and I said do you enjoy it. She said the course yes but being there no as I get bullied quite a bit. I just said have you spoke to anyone about it and so on and she said yes but nothings been done about it she also said she was sad most of the time as well. Ideally I wanted to help her out with this but I doubt she even trusts me anymore

 

She was only in one day a week so I didn't really speak to her that much my friend said do you want her number, so he asked her to see If could have it and she said yes we started talking about work etc and that she was finishing on x mas eve due to a terminated contract etc.

 

On the Saturday, I went to the works party she was there, It was quite awkward and uncomfortable at the party so I didn't speak to her much, when she left she just smiled and waved at me from across the room. When I got home I text her saying "Sorry for being awkward I am at times :/" She said Don't worry I don't think you were being awkward" I then took it a little too far and told her what happened after college and not being able to speak to people but I'm getting over it now. After this there was no reply the next day I just asked when she broke up from college? and a pointless text that didn't really need an answer don't know Why i sent it, nothing.

 

So the next week things in my mind just went awkward and I was over thinking through the week what shall I say, what shall i say and ended up saying nothing that day at all one smile I think that was it, It might just be me paranoid that she didn't want to speak to me, But i was convinced in my mind she didn't want to speak to me.

 

Anyway wasn't thinking I got home and sent " I'm going to be honest here, I can get a little shy at times, but I really enjoy talking to you " This made things worse in my opinion so the next time I saw her I just said "Have I done anything wrong because I don't want to come off as someone I'm not" She said no, no you're fine the only thing That's killing me now is I sort of approached it a little quick/nervous and I'm worried it may have even scared her even though when she walked off she did smile so might be me over thinking again. On I think it was the Monday before christmas eve she was on my both of my breaks and sat directly in front of me on the table infront twice!, I just couldn't speak to her at all, just couldn't get any words out .

 

Anyway, to avoid the details we'll fast forward to her last day x mas even Wednesday, I've felt so guilty and depressed that I've done something wrong this week I've hardly spoke to anyone, I saw her 3 times and she kept looking at me but I never reacted :/, One of them I was walking past the aisle she was in and got stuck behind 2 customers and for literally 10 seconds she just looked at me and what did i do look at the floor!. So On my lunch I just walked up to her and said hey, how are you etc, wished her a lovely christmas which she said thank you, you too then said I just wanted to say I'm sorry about those two texts, she said it's fine don't worry. But I just don't know if it is fine maybe it is I just over think alot of things. I saw her once more When I walked past her I looked away and she just looked at the floor. Anyway 5 pm comes around and she leaves the staff door opposite the aisle I'm working in and walks around the aisle and behind me. now this is where it gets weird she walked past my aisle 5 or 6 times then walked off.

 

I went on my break and turns out she cried when she left because she wasn't returning back unless she gets called sometime, So I just sent a text saying heard you were upset, are you ok? No reply.

 

I sent her one more message for new year saying "Happy New year, hope it's a great one for you" I just don't know if I've done something wrong here to screw this up. I actually text her the other day to see if she wanted to go out sometime, no reply. So I put 2 days later today hey, did you get my message? and yeah she's not replying I have no idea what I've done but I'm pretty sure I've messed this one up completely because of my shyness and lack of social skills . I am truly gutted and full of regret at the minute I'm convinced it's something that I have done

 

 

Cheers, Jack

[Danda]

Yes you did likely come across as needy and insecure. The first time you text someone a question and they don't answer it, you don't text them again, period. You wait until they respond to you. If they don't respond to you within a few days you move on. Sometimes things do happen and people shut down for a little bit, but after a few days that's it.

 

And all around you expressed a strong need for reassurance. Try to understand that it is draining for another person to have to frequently or even constantly reassure you. You not responding at all to her looking at you and such, multiple times, also sends mixed messages. If you are too socially crippled to respond to someone looking right at you, with a smile and small wave or whatever, then that is going to give a lot of woman the wrong idea, just as a heads up. All around you presented yourself as someone who requires a lot of energy to reassure and coax.

 

And then, this woman sounds like she already has a lot of stress on her plate, feeling depressed about her situation at college, having her contract terminated and having to leave. She needs to take care of her right now and likely doesn't have the energy to take care of someone else emotionally at the same time.

 

She was probably hoping you would muster up some courage and stability and just chat with her normally, but in the end you required a lot of reassuring and coaxing, and lady probably just doesn't have the emotional energy for that right now.

 

So on one hand, I don't think you did anything "wrong" or whatever. It's not like you dun-goofed hard or did something disrespectful. However you must understand that your crippling shyness and insecurity will require the other person to compensate for you if there is to be bonding. They have to make up for what you are not putting forward / providing for yourself. And so if you hone in a gal who has her own plate already full and is going through some tough stuff, and is also shy, then how is that going to work? Know what I mean?

 

Try not to think of it in terms of you "screwing up" vs "doing it right". But rather think in terms of what your fear and insecurity demands of another person if they are going to form a bond with you. You need to be bringing this stuff to the table (calm, self-security, effort, etc) so that they don't have to heavily coax and constantly reassure you.

[Lockey1995]

Yes you did likely come across as needy and insecure. The first time you text someone a question and they don't answer it, you don't text them again, period. You wait until they respond to you. If they don't respond to you within a few days you move on. Sometimes things do happen and people shut down for a little bit, but after a few days that's it.

 

And all around you expressed a strong need for reassurance. Try to understand that it is draining for another person to have to frequently or even constantly reassure you. You not responding at all to her looking at you and such, multiple times, also sends mixed messages. If you are too socially crippled to respond to someone looking right at you, with a smile and small wave or whatever, then that is going to give a lot of woman the wrong idea, just as a heads up. All around you presented yourself as someone who requires a lot of energy to reassure and coax.

 

And then, this woman sounds like she already has a lot of stress on her plate, feeling depressed about her situation at college, having her contract terminated and having to leave. She needs to take care of her right now and likely doesn't have the energy to take care of someone else emotionally at the same time.

 

She was probably hoping you would muster up some courage and stability and just chat with her normally, but in the end you required a lot of reassuring and coaxing, and lady probably just doesn't have the emotional energy for that right now.

 

So on one hand, I don't think you did anything "wrong" or whatever. It's not like you dun-goofed hard or did something disrespectful. However you must understand that your crippling shyness and insecurity will require the other person to compensate for you if there is to be bonding. They have to make up for what you are not putting forward / providing for yourself. And so if you hone in a gal who has her own plate already full and is going through some tough stuff, and is also shy, then how is that going to work? Know what I mean?

 

Try not to think of it in terms of you "screwing up" vs "doing it right". But rather think in terms of what your fear and insecurity demands of another person if they are going to form a bond with you. You need to be bringing this stuff to the table (calm, self-security, effort, etc) so that they don't have to heavily coax and constantly reassure you.

 

So i guess she'll never talk to me again then :/, well she did like me but probably not now I was depressed/ tired that week from working all the way through for 2 weeks straight hardly spoke to anyone not even friends to be honest in that week.

[Lockey1995]

I did smile/ wave etc before I stopped because I was convinced in my mind she didn't want to see me

[endlessabyss]

Blow it off dude; she wasn't worth it.

 

 

She has to many problems as it is, and she sounds totally confused/unstable. You don't have time to emotionally support her at this stage in the game.

 

 

What threw you off was the text games. This used to get me years ago, but I understand how the game works now; you play who double text firsts, waiting hours for a reply. Whoever double texts first blows it.

 

 

I can understand why you're nervous. Modern dating is a mess, nothing but confusion, and we overthink everything, because there are so many hoops one needs to jump through. One mistake can blow everything up.

 

 

Just try to learn not to care as much, and to blow off the games; if she doesn't text you back, delete the number, and just be cordial at work (just saying "hi", and leaving it at that). This failure wasn't really your fault.

[Lockey1995]

Blow it off dude; she wasn't worth it.

 

 

She has to many problems as it is, and she sounds totally confused/unstable. You don't have time to emotionally support her at this stage in the game.

 

 

What threw you off was the text games. This used to get me years ago, but I understand how the game works now; you play who double text firsts, waiting hours for a reply. Whoever double texts first blows it.

 

 

I can understand why you're nervous. Modern dating is a mess, nothing but confusion, and we overthink everything, because there are so many hoops one needs to jump through. One mistake can blow everything up.

 

 

 

 

Just try to learn not to care as much, and to blow off the games; if she doesn't text you back, delete the number, and just be cordial at work (just saying "hi", and leaving it at that). This failure wasn't really your fault.

 

 

Personally, I couldn't see how just making a minor mistake with the texts would really change someone from liking you well to avoiding you, I'll never see her in person again :/ We've both been laid off from the job now.