xxoo Posted January 13, 2015 Share Posted January 13, 2015 Support her. She's going through a very tough thing. It's not all about you. If you can do that, she'll draw closer again. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
HereNorThere Posted January 13, 2015 Share Posted January 13, 2015 I'm not sure what you want her to communicate? She's an old women going through menopause. Would you want someone badgering your grandma for sex? This is just a natural part of life that you're going to have to deal with. Forcing her to talk about it when you know that talking isn't going to change her physically is shaming her in a way. What if you had an erectile problem that couldn't be solved with pills? What if you were diagnosed with cancer and unable to perform? Would you want to be shamed? Sounds like you need to calm down and take a cold shower. Don't forget to erase your internet history when you get done rubbing one out either because that's just going to feel worse. Accept this is as a part of life. How's a good time to start thinking about retirement and boosting your fiber intake. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Ronni_W Posted January 14, 2015 Share Posted January 14, 2015 Plus - a BIG SHOUT OUT to Ronni W for all the great tips and support, many years ago! :bunny: :love: Hey ^5! That was too sweet of you...much appreciated (despite the tear in my eye .) Lovely to hear that things have been going well in the interim. I trust same goes with rest of the family, as well. Nothing worthwhile to add to pteromom's excellent counsel. Much love and all good things in 2015, and always. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
pteromom Posted January 14, 2015 Share Posted January 14, 2015 I would suggest an honest apology and explanation...something like... I want to let you know how sorry I am for the things that I said the other day. It is difficult for me to wrap my head around not having a libido, and it is difficult for me to remember that the way you are feeling physically has nothing to do with how much you love me, and that your lack of desire is not a criticism of me. I am trying. I really am trying to understand and accept. Physical affection is important to me, and I know that you are making an effort to meet my needs. I really do appreciate that you aren't checking out on me sexually - I just have to work on my own ego and insecurities so I can really understand that lack of desire does not equal lack of love. Please forgive me. I would give it to her with a gift of some way for you two to reconnect (non-sexually). Perhaps some tickets to a concert or show, reservations to a nice dinner for two, a couples spa day...something unexpected and completely non-sexual. Also I am pleasantly surprised at the positive understanding posts on this subject. Low libido is so misunderstood. It is no more possible to point at someone with low libido and tell them "BE HORNY!" than it is to point to someone with a high libido and tell them "Don't be horny. That will solve all your problems." You feel what you feel. You are who you are. Link to post Share on other sites
Author highfive Posted January 14, 2015 Author Share Posted January 14, 2015 I would suggest an honest apology and explanation...something like... I want to let you know how sorry I am for the things that I said the other day. It is difficult for me to wrap my head around not having a libido, and it is difficult for me to remember that the way you are feeling physically has nothing to do with how much you love me, and that your lack of desire is not a criticism of me. I am trying. I really am trying to understand and accept. Physical affection is important to me, and I know that you are making an effort to meet my needs. I really do appreciate that you aren't checking out on me sexually - I just have to work on my own ego and insecurities so I can really understand that lack of desire does not equal lack of love. Please forgive me. I would give it to her with a gift of some way for you two to reconnect (non-sexually). Perhaps some tickets to a concert or show, reservations to a nice dinner for two, a couples spa day...something unexpected and completely non-sexual. Also I am pleasantly surprised at the positive understanding posts on this subject. Low libido is so misunderstood. It is no more possible to point at someone with low libido and tell them "BE HORNY!" than it is to point to someone with a high libido and tell them "Don't be horny. That will solve all your problems." You feel what you feel. You are who you are. Thanks very much - I did provide her with a letter yesterday, with a very similar tone, but we have not yet spoken about it in any detail. That is OK, I won't pressure her to respond. In the meantime I am struggling with the deep regret and pain I feel for reverting to my old "school boy" ways, and trying to find a way to repair the hurt I have caused her but I think time and space is required. I am still in an icy doghouse, drifting around on an ice floe in the high north! A gift of a concert or show is an excellent suggestion, but only when the time is right - I have tried that before and it comes across as "too little - too late" if introduced too early Link to post Share on other sites
Author highfive Posted January 17, 2015 Author Share Posted January 17, 2015 Hi all, an update: I'm still in the doghouse, but things are a little less icy between us. I have been giving her space, but still sharing household and family chores as per normal. She is still angry, and that is ok, I don't blame her. I must admit though, the longer this silence goes on, the more I realize that my need to talk about sex has been building for some time. The problem is that I not yet found a way to communicate my feelings to her without upsetting her: Intimacy is very important to me, and its not just about the sex - its that special feeling from bonding with the one you love. The anticipation, closeness, energy, the feeling that she feels the same way too. I seldom feel that from her now, just sometimes during our infrequent nights away. I feel that we have become just close, dear friends. Yes, kids, normal life stress and menopause had an impact, but I have always remained physically attracted to her, and affectionate. Looking back, I have almost always been the one to initiate intimacy. She is affectionate, but rarely initiates. This has always been a struggle for me because, as you often read here, it was very different during our first years together. Yeah, I know about the love stages, but is it so wrong of me to want this again? What causes this to happen? Is it just because I was always pursuing her, so she never needed to? Can it ever come back? Maybe being the pursuer is ok, as long as rejection does not happen often. Whatever the reason, it has always been an issue for me, and I have never been able to convey this without making her feel guilty and inadequate. She immediately get defensive and shuts down; Poor approach on my part, and unresponsive on her part. Anyway, that is just some rambling tonight as I ponder my fate. I just miss being close to her, in all ways Link to post Share on other sites
tommyr Posted January 17, 2015 Share Posted January 17, 2015 will you please just STOP the whole doghouse act? that's really unsexy Be yourself. be confident. be honest and be loving. stop playing games. As for your wife's passion for sex, you can't get blood from a turnip. She just does not have much passion! Stop blaming her for something that's beyond her control. But apparently she does have compassion enough to accommodate your needs on a regular basis (at least I think that's what you said?) And I would hope she's at least bringing a good/fun attitude into the bedroom, even if it falls short of the unmistakable passion that you would want. She does that because she loves you, so why not let her do that without demanding more? Something she many not be able to provide? Link to post Share on other sites
Author highfive Posted January 17, 2015 Author Share Posted January 17, 2015 will you please just STOP the whole doghouse act? that's really unsexy Be yourself. be confident. be honest and be loving. stop playing games. As for your wife's passion for sex, you can't get blood from a turnip. She just does not have much passion! Stop blaming her for something that's beyond her control. But apparently she does have compassion enough to accommodate your needs on a regular basis (at least I think that's what you said?) And I would hope she's at least bringing a good/fun attitude into the bedroom, even if it falls short of the unmistakable passion that you would want. She does that because she loves you, so why not let her do that without demanding more? Something she many not be able to provide? Hi Tommyr, Thanks - I needed that! Link to post Share on other sites
autumnnight Posted January 17, 2015 Share Posted January 17, 2015 If you have learned to compromise, then why push her to compromise further? Well...yeah...it feels pretty bad when you know that you can't really satisfy your partner, and when you constantly feel that you aren't enough. Why not just accept her as she is? If she "accommodates" you when you need, just let that be good for now and see what happens. Perhaps when her body adjusts, her libido will come back a little. Perhaps it won't. (You say this has been a mismatch for 26 years.) At some point, you have to just accept her for who she is rather than pushing her to be someone else. Otherwise, you may push her to the point where she won't want to have sex EVER. I hear this a lot. Isn't expecting the higher need partner to just suck it up and be grateful for what they get expecting THEM to be something they aren't (or NOT be who they are)??????? Link to post Share on other sites
Deidre Posted January 17, 2015 Share Posted January 17, 2015 Sounds to me like your wife would be content just being friends and roomies. Chores, bill paying, being there for each other, etc... Having said that, she sounds like she is willing to satisfy your needs. Having said THAT...you want to be wanted. That is a natural desire for any person who's in a romantic relationship. You are not at fault, nor is she...you just seem incompatible in this arena. I'm NOT an advocate of marriage, as I don't see it as a necessary thing in life, and I also think it turns out this way more often than not...as I've seen so many people in long term marriages, just turn into roomies who barely have sex...and are just raising kids and taking care of a home, together. You matter...and your wife shouldn't turn a cold shoulder to you, because you voiced your unhappiness on this front. It seems to me that your options are basically, say nothing...and let things just prevail as they have been, or voice your opinion, and you get an icy shoulder. Now, we're not hearing her story either...so I can only go by what you're saying. I believe there are two sides to all stories, and somewhere in the middle is the objective truth. My advice would be to apologize if you were mean spirited in your attempts to open up a discussion with her about this, but that you do want to find a compromise that values you both. If you don't feel valued, then you will not last another 26 years. Your wife matters, you matter...I hope you find some common ground. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts