Bishop556 Posted January 12, 2015 Share Posted January 12, 2015 (edited) Today has been a strange day and has caused past memories to come back into hindsight. I need to vent about what happened to me. So, I was bullied during middle school by my entire class. Funny enough, they were all the gifted students as I was in accelerated learning. The first week of middle school, I met this German student called Patrick. I liked him, but he began to insult me calling me "gay", "faggot", "worthless scum", etc. as time went on. I did not know why he was treating me this way, but eventually my entire class was treating me poorly. Girls would not talk to me because I was the "strange freak" and the "gay loser". I never understood why they disliked me so much, but I suspected he had a crush on me. Funny, how he treated me because of his homophobia. Even my teachers made fun of me as to get their students approval. I remember my teacher telling me asking me why I was such a faggot. It got so much to the point where I told my mother that I wanted to kill myself after going to a middle school prom. The only way to defend myself was to use physical violence against people who were bullying me. I got suspended twice and fought in about six different fights in those three years. My middle school years scarred me, and while I never considered bullying as abuse, it is. For years I fell into drug culture (mainly opiates and ecstacy) as a means to rid myself of the pain even if I did not know it at the time. Over my high school career, I fell into the wrong crowd. Considering some of them are in prison and one is dead should be indicative enough. I am not looking for much besides someone who will listen. How does someone move on from something like this? Even now as a grown up, I still feel shameful that I could not do something to defend myself like I was to blame. Edited January 12, 2015 by Bishop556 Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted January 12, 2015 Share Posted January 12, 2015 (edited) You were young. You didn't have the tools then that you have now. You're now viewing things with a more developed mind. You were coping and the things you did to survive were coping mechanisms. They may not seem like the best idea now but at the time what were your alternatives? Suicide? Knowing that, I think you should be pretty damn proud of your young self for figuring out a way that kept you from ending your life. Those coping mechanisms made the difference between you being a victim or being a survivor. Please learn now how to forgive yourself. It's time. Edited January 12, 2015 by amaysngrace 1 Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted January 12, 2015 Share Posted January 12, 2015 It's really hard to fathom that even teachers would join in with this horrible behavior. That's really unreal. I'm curious as to what your mother said or did when you told her about what was going on. My thoughts about this are that the people who said and did those things to you are probably pretty ashamed of themselves these days. You did nothing to be ashamed or regretful of but they did plenty. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bishop556 Posted January 12, 2015 Author Share Posted January 12, 2015 It's really hard to fathom that even teachers would join in with this horrible behavior. That's really unreal. I'm curious as to what your mother said or did when you told her about what was going on. My thoughts about this are that the people who said and did those things to you are probably pretty ashamed of themselves these days. You did nothing to be ashamed or regretful of but they did plenty. My mom took me to therapy. I was a pretty secretive kid and my mom's father died, so she was a mess at the time. Getting drunk and passing out in the bathroom, not showering for a complete week, etc. She was not in a good state of mind at the time so she did not do much. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted January 12, 2015 Share Posted January 12, 2015 IMO, professional counseling with a psych who specializes in childhood trauma can get you some tools to process that past pain differently and move on from it. One thing I noted that worked for me when feeling the 'red tape' was to, rather than fighting it, embrace it and let it run its course psychologically and cognitively process that it was the past. I was just watching a 2010 mini-series on the horrific (dramatized for the screen) conditions soldiers of my dad's generation experienced in the final battles of the Pacific theater in WW2 and the effects those conditions had on the young men psychologically. I saw those in real life with my dad and uncle who both fought in that war. Violence and abuse, regardless of its form or impetus, has an effect on the mind, especially the young mind, and stuff like you've experienced can be the result. It depends on the person. I saw how internalizing the experiences killed my father's health and sent him to an early grave. That was one way. Other people lash out. Others find tools to cope. Others bounce back and forth. We each handle it differently. Just like I could never begin to comprehend what guys like my dad went through, people who haven't been abused or assaulted can't process what it's actually like to go through it. Sure, they can empathize and care and that's really appreciated. If you want to work through this, give that professional help a try and see what happens. I doubt it'll make the red tape go away or any guilt attached to that (it didn't for me) but perhaps you can find a modicum of peace and acceptance. Good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted January 12, 2015 Share Posted January 12, 2015 My mom took me to therapy. I was a pretty secretive kid and my mom's father died, so she was a mess at the time. Getting drunk and passing out in the bathroom, not showering for a complete week, etc. She was not in a good state of mind at the time so she did not do much. It's really too bad that some people can't keep it together emotionally for the sake of their kids. Regardless of what your mom was going through, this was a very poor way to cope with things when she had a child who needed her. I'm really sorry for the things that happened to you, and sorry you had no one to turn to in a time of need. Link to post Share on other sites
WomenWubber Posted January 12, 2015 Share Posted January 12, 2015 I've lived through the two faces of bullying: I was bullied and then became a bully myself. As much as bullying technically can't directly kill anyone, it may very well be the worst thing you can ever do to someone. For me, bullying was my way of surviving and to get back at the world that had treated me that way. I found some twisted kind of pleasure in abusing those who I believed needed to be put in their place. Also this way I was no longer a victim, and I always hated being one. But it was still painful to my very soul every time a punch landed on someone's face. I literally cried myself to sleep at night. Good thing I met someone who helped me a lot during those times and also helped me understand myself and others better. I was so very lucky to met him. So Bishop556, just know that you're not alone on this. I don't know what else to say... I think our past will always be a part of us, so the only thing left is to own it and live for the future. I hope your future is a bright one. I wish you the best of luck. Link to post Share on other sites
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