Boyfriend of 6 years...toxic friendships damaging us.(UPDATED)

[almond]

It is a very rude response. I know that. I only said it when the person pushed & pushed & pushed & refused to take the polite but evasive answers as my response.

 

If you can come up with a an excuse fine.

 

Just in the end, don't go & be miserable. That will be worse.

 

I suppose another option could be you show up for a little while but considering how expensive weddings are, that isn't the nicest approach.

 

You're right, if I go and be miserable, both my boyfriend and I will be uncomfortable. At least if I bow out, he will be able to enjoy his night without having to worry about me the whole time.

 

As someone who has become adept at managing family drama (my H's), I will advise this: come up with an excuse. Unless you really want to have the air-it-all-out come-to-Jesus moment over this (I'm guessing you don't), make something reasonable up and don't go. People will still whisper, if that's what they're inclined to do, so be prepared for that. But you will serve the larger good, which is preserving your peace and your boyfriend's peace. I don't think this wedding is the hill you want to die on, so to speak. Nobody will come out of a confrontation over a friend's wedding - when emotions and tensions are already high - looking good, and it will strain your relationship. There are too many extraneous tangles tied up in a wedding, memories of friendship become more intense - so save the discussions over how to disengage from this last toxic friend for another, calmer time, after the wedding, when it's more natural to pull away into a slow fade of the friendship anyway.

 

Just tell your BF to say something like "almond was really not feeling well" or "almond had a work commitment/project that she couldn't get out of" and that "she wishes she could be here and is happy for you both". Flat-out lie, but with the best of intentions. No shame in that.

 

Absolutely agree, and this all makes total sense. Thanks for weighing in

[almond]

Just read over this thread and thought I'd update...a bit late...but anyway...

 

My boyfriend attended the wedding alone. We came up with a work-related excuse and he contacted them before the wedding to advise. They weren't happy.

 

We attended two couple's counselling sessions prior to this, and it was clear to all parties that my bf and I were on the same page with it all, but his guilt was preventing him from pulling the trigger so to speak. My boyfriend then attended individual counselling to work through his guilt issues - he doesn't need that sort of thing holding him back in life, and I'm so proud of how far he has come in such a relatively short amount of time.

 

He went to the wedding, and made the decision to cut all ties with this group entirely as soon as it was done. It has been months now, and he is happier than ever. He didn't feel anywhere near as much guilt as he thought he would, and the lead up to it...tolerating their terrible behaviour, was much more painful for him than pulling the plug ended up being. This had been weighing him down for so long, and started to impact our relationship. We both felt relieved once it was done.

 

I felt it was incredibly important for me not to push him or force him to make a choice he didn't yet feel ready for - the decision to cut off friends needs to be something you come to decide for yourself. It took all my strength to hold off on criticising or belittling him, or repeating what he already knew to be true about them. I just very gently tried to help him realise on his own that he deserves better...and he knew this all along.

 

After it was all done, he felt some a bit ashamed about not cutting ties with them sooner, and beat himself up a bit for it. He also apologised to me wayyyy too much about what "he put me through." I comforted him through this and assured him that all was good, and that he was in a very hard spot and did what he needed to do as soon as he was ready. We grew closer in the end as a result of all of this.

 

Thanks once again for all the help I received here when I was losing the plot about it. It really calmed me down when I was feeling irrational, angry and fed up with it all! It helped so much, and my bf and I both appreciated all the kind and thoughtful responses

 

Happy ending this time

Edited August 14, 2015 by almond

[craw]

Edit: nevermind