The beginning days of NC....

[hello234]

i just want to know what and how ur initial days of NC days were... the days following the breakup and decision to not talk at all to xAP.. how did u get through it??? didnt it feel soo empty and lonely? How did u pass time.. how did u resist the feelings of attraction and longing??

 

i was in bed n depressed the whole day and just feel empty.. its horrible.. how did u fill this void? Did u have a need for someone else as a distraction or did it get better overtime? How did u get over the memories?

[Rainbowlove]

Staying busy helped me initially.

 

I took on new hobbies. It helped preoccupy my mind, but not really deal with the emotional loss.

 

I cried for a year straight when I was alone. For me, it was more than grieving the XAP. My emptiness was also about loss of self. I completely lost who I was and all I believed in whilst in my affair.

 

It's a long, hard road back to self, back to peace of mind and happiness.

 

I can safely say, I'm getting there. You have to keep going through the darkness to get to the light, but it's there.

 

Stay NC. It's the only way to happiness and freedom. You can do it. One day at a time. Feel it. Don't hide from the pain. It's a normal healthy response. If your depression gets too much, get professional help.

[nikki76]

I'm three weeks two days of NC. Never thought I would ever be this far.

 

Like Rainbowlove said, literally one day at a time. I have many moments where I want to text him. like this weekend my h posted something on Facebook, and my xAP posted a comment. Because i have him blocked, i cant see it but i know he did, because i got a notification that someone replied, I just cant see it. It took everything in me not to stalk him via my H Facebook. And/or to contact him. But I stayed strong.

 

You just have to keep remembering how bad you'll hurt eventually, if you contact them again. That will never change. It wont ever be a fairytale, it wont get better next time around.

 

I registered for school, I start tomorrow. Ive been working out more. Ive been watching new shows on tv. thats my difficult time, at night, because that was our texting time.

 

Keeping busy is the key. I have to say, I havent felt this normal in 9 months and it feels great. I'm far from the finish line. But not living with the guilt and being able to dedicate 100% of my mind (well, mostly) to the people that really count in my life is such a great feeling!!!

 

Post on here when you are weak. Or even just lurk in here. Look at all the posts of the broken hearts and the lies that have been told to the peoplethat post on here.. Know that you are not alone and you will get through it , one day at a time

[Rainbowlove]

And someone said recently here, forgive me for not remembering who, but it struck me because it's exactly what I've been thinking;

 

It's more about control, more than whether or not I love him (her in my case).

 

I think that completely sums it up for me. Control. I lost all control while I was in my affair. My life spinned wildly out of control. I never want to feel that reckless and thoughtless again.

 

I am in control of my thoughts, feelings and actions. No one has power over me. Never again.

 

Stay strong. Stay in control.

 

Edit; oh, and instead of focusing on all the positives pieces of him you are missing, focus on the bad feelings the affair brought on.

Edited January 12, 2015 by Rainbowlove

[jbp005]

Very well said Rainbowlove, that's exactly how I feel

[Karmacharm]

It's a very hard thing to deal with, but just take it day by day. I'm also in NC and I now know that he was a complete BS artist.

 

 

This quote says a lot:

 

 

"Love is more black and white than we like to tell ourselves. Don’t allow anyone to keep you trapped in the “promise” of the gray area. The bottom line is: If they love you, TRULY love you, they’ll do whatever it takes to be with you. There won’t be excuses or doubts or fears or hesitation. Love is ACTION. Everything else is just words."

 

 

And also, rely on your friends. They are a blessing if you're lucky enough to have some great ones.

 

 

Believe me, keep going hello234. It does get easier. Why would you want someone who's words are BS?

[GoldieLox]

I'm only about 2 weeks in, and my situation is a bit special- we had NC outside of work, and after I ended it, obviously we still work for the same company. I see him in the parking lot, in the hallways, lunch room, etc. Once or twice, he has even had to speak a few sentences to me, though there are others around, so it remains 100% professional. I pretend he doesn't exist.

 

Every time I get the urge to look his way, or IM him, I simply remember. I remember all the crying I did over him. All the sadness, the anger, the emotions I felt because of him. The sleep I lost, the weight I lost, the sanity I lost, the sense of self I lost. I remember all of that and remind myself that I never want to go back there again.

[nikki76]

I'm only about 2 weeks in, and my situation is a bit special- we had NC outside of work, and after I ended it, obviously we still work for the same company. I see him in the parking lot, in the hallways, lunch room, etc. Once or twice, he has even had to speak a few sentences to me, though there are others around, so it remains 100% professional. I pretend he doesn't exist.

 

Every time I get the urge to look his way, or IM him, I simply remember. I remember all the crying I did over him. All the sadness, the anger, the emotions I felt because of him. The sleep I lost, the weight I lost, the sanity I lost, the sense of self I lost. I remember all of that and remind myself that I never want to go back there again.

 

That has to be so incredibly hard. I dread everytime I leave my house that I will run into him. We live in the same neighborhood. I have a scenario in my head. That he will call my name and hope to talk, and I will just walk away and completely ignore him. I hope it wont be the other way around. I pray that I will be strong enough to stick to my guns when I see him.

[GoldieLox]

That has to be so incredibly hard. I dread everytime I leave my house that I will run into him. We live in the same neighborhood. I have a scenario in my head. That he will call my name and hope to talk, and I will just walk away and completely ignore him. I hope it wont be the other way around. I pray that I will be strong enough to stick to my guns when I see him.

 

It is. He pretends I don't exist as well. He won't even look at me (I'm not sure if he's mad that I ended it, or now that he's done having his way with me I just don't warrant a hello anymore) but either way, the whole situation makes me incredibly sad. The light at the end of the tunnel though is that yesterday I found a job opening in my field. It's higher than what I make now and I'm more than qualified. I love my job now, but I'm going to apply for this and see what happens.

 

OP, all I can give you for advice is just to keep yourself busy. The more distractions you have, the less time you have to think about the whole situation. TV and books seem to be a saving grace for me because it means I have to be focused on something else and follow a story.

[raspberry.12]

Same here.

I was in similar NC situation 2 years ago when I broke up with my ex.

It hurted like hell and I thought I couldn't go on with my life or could find another one that made me happy like I was with him.

 

However, that feeling gradually went away, I still moved on, then one day I saw my ex with his new gf (I was still single) but I had no feelings at all. At that point, I knew that I completely over him.

 

Then I met my x separated/MM, who made me happy again but things didn't last long. We just ended and now I am devastated, hurt and stressed again. NC is killing me, I was back and forth, I'm only day 2 of NC.

 

I know that I would be ok in a few months/years time like I could do with my previous pain/relationship but I feel harder this time

[Poppy47]

7 months NC now after 5 years on and off in the A.

 

It's getting easier. I am beginning to take an interest in people and what's happening around me again. A long hard haul. I see the remains of the last 5 years and if I'd kept going, my life would have been totally ruined.

 

I made a promise to myself that I would never put myself into that place again. That means absolute NC and strict control over my actions. You must be accountable to yourself for your own actions.

 

I know it's empty and difficult for a while. You won't forget the memories. They will fade with time though.

Try to remember the worst times... Yesterday was one year since I was involved in a serious car crash.... MM couldn't come to help me in any way because he was watching tennis on TV with his wife. They are the sort of events I try to keep foremost in my mind.

All my best wishes,

Poppy.

[raspberry.12]

Try to remember the worst times... Yesterday was one year since I was involved in a serious car crash.... MM couldn't come to help me in any way because he was watching tennis on TV with his wife. They are the sort of events I try to keep foremost in my mind.

All my best wishes,

Poppy.

 

That's right. I tried to remember similar situation when I needed him the most but he couldn't come right away because of "going with my wife and kids atm"

[Broom]

Goldie, I love your story. All the best with your new job pursuit!