Is it normal to have lost all self esteem and self respect for yourself?

[Jayman14]

2 months ago I found out my wife had slept with her boss twice, we have been happily together for 7 years and married for 6 months, she is going through what seems like midlife crisis at the age of 30, im not dealing with it very well at all, I have a lot of mates that have offered support and my sister inlaw has been so good to me, helping with the anxiety and sadness, I feel im ok with some things but the main thing is my self esteem, i don't class myself as a male model but I don't think im hideous, however since i found out about my wife's affair I feel as thou all women see me as being discusting, im not sure if it's my mind playing tricks on me or my self esteem just being shot to the bottom of the pit, I guess im just chasing advice on how to feel good about myself, im sick of

Being down in the dumps and worried other women find me repulsive, if my wife and I don't work things out im scared i will never recover from this!

[Satu]

You might benefit from some short-term, single-issue counselling.

 

You could focus on these specific feelings.

 

I think that just a few sessions could help a lot.

[aliveagain]

It is very common that your self esteem takes a hit after infidelity, it feels like a personal attack on your manhood specially when you have only been married 6 months. You question yourself that you have in someway been the cause of her infidelity, the truth is it's not about you at all. She's broken and need some serious independent counselling to get to the why. Accept no blame for her infidelity, after all your in the same marriage with the same issues and your not banging your secretary. She owns that 100%. Have you exposed the affair to the betrayed wife, she deserves the truth if you haven't. Has she quit her job, they can never work together.

 

The best thing you can do for self esteem is get counselling for yourself with someone that has infidelity experience. Take the time you need to heal, not all of us survive infidelity. You need to talk to a lawyer so you understand your rights, you don't know how this is going to turn out yet. Make your wife do the work, it's not up to you to carry her it's up to her to make you feel safe again and if she can't look at having your marriage annulled.

[Leegh]

The problem is not you, but the problem is your wife. She may not have self-esteem and respect for herself. It sounds as if the issue is with her, not you, as you sound great. Have you ever considered leaving her because of this? I personally have never found counseling helpful, but possibly you and she could go for counseling together.

[coolheadal]

What are you doing about your cheating wife? She has betrayed your trust in her. No one came recover from this. She' beg forgiveness and tell you she won't do this again, but she's not be truthful as it can keep on happening with her boss behind our back.

 

Your all over the place in your mindset. Can't even cope with this problem. No man can but in time you can. First she needs to go stay at her family. You and her need to separate, because what she did in her mindset was fun, exciting and challenging that she did it not once and but twice. Her boss didn't take into consideration about your feelings or that your married to her. He too is a cheater. I am sure this is not the first time for him either.

 

This situation can get very messy as it goes on. Even if she was to quit her JOB the BOSS will find a way to get back. She might still want to be with the BOSS after all this. There little affair behind close doors!

 

Now you need to pull yourself together and stop worrying about how you look and etc. Is that what she's telling you? The put downs, the be little verbal abusive chatter. Repeating in hour face over and over. That's why she need to leave your presence. All this going to do is reduce you nothing in her mind and try you out of control which is seems to be working. She's controlling the shots now.

 

It will never be the same. She looking for something else, but it's not you anymore. So you can keep on attacking you and you just stand there taking it. That's why she needs to go. So you can recover. Her sister your in-law can't also be supportive but she can't change her sister mindset no can she changes yours, but she can try. So you don't tell your wife your sister to leave. This way the wife can keep on doing whatever she pleases.

 

Once your wife feels unhappy in a marriage that means trouble is going to happen. Usually another man is involved. So now it's: you + her + boss , this no way to be living with all this extra baggage in your marriage relationship.

Edited January 12, 2015 by coolheadal

[aStranger]

2 months ago I found out my wife had slept with her boss twice, we have been happily together for 7 years and married for 6 months, she is going through what seems like midlife crisis at the age of 30,

This is a total fallacy. She is gas-lighting you and manipulating you. Don't buy this line of crap one bit.

im not dealing with it very well at all, I have a lot of mates that have offered support and my sister inlaw has been so good to me, helping with the anxiety and sadness, I feel im ok with some things but the main thing is my self esteem, i don't class myself as a male model but I don't think im hideous, however since i found out about my wife's affair I feel as thou all women see me as being discusting, im not sure if it's my mind playing tricks on me or my self esteem just being shot to the bottom of the pit, I guess im just chasing advice on how to feel good about myself, im sick of

Being down in the dumps and worried other women find me repulsive, if my wife and I don't work things out im scared i will never recover from this!

Do you have children? If you do then it is worth trying marriage counseling and working on this. She MUST end the affair, never contact the other guy again, and do all the work to make it up to you and establish some level of trust again.

 

If you are not married then leave her. Your self-esteem can be salvaged if you are staying and trying to reconcile because of children. But staying with a cheater is causes a lot of damage to the psyche of many men. Most of them will eventually have nothing but contempt for their WW and find they have just wasted a lot of time and pain trying to convince themselves they can learn to live with this.

[aStranger]

2 months ago I found out my wife had slept with her boss twice

Every cheater works hard to minimize what they did by lying about how many times, where they did it, what they did, and so on. They did it many more times than she will admit to. You will discover what really happened one ugly truth at a time. Its even more torture. The pain, anger, and shame you feel now is going to get a lot worse over the next few months.

[aliveagain]

Did I get the info wrong? You have been married for 6 months, 2 months ago or month 4 of your marriage you discover she is having an affair with her boss? That would mean that something that led to sex started before that. What are the chances this started before you married her? How did you learn about the affair, did you discover it or did she come out and tell you about it? The way you found out may also effect the way you feel about yourself. Telling you about it may be a form of remorse, catching her can make you feel like her back up plan because she only quit because of exposure and had you not caught her they would still be at it?

 

Sounds like her affair has been going on most of your married life. The thing you need to remember is that cheaters are very good at compartmentalization, you and the marriage are in one box, sex and her boss are in another box. Your stored in 2 different worlds. She never expected you to find out so in her mind if you don't know about it your not being hurt, they don't plan for a DD. This is why she needs a consequence for her actions, one that will last her a life time, one that will help you to be safe. Making her go through the humiliation of being tested for STD's is another future deterrent. The thing I found hardest to get over and really took a toll on my self esteem is the fact that she gave it away so easily. The thing you need to do if you want reconciliation is to think of the individual infidelities as one affair. My problem was that my ex kept going back for more, if it was a mistake why did she make the same mistake over and over and over again? Your wife did the same and I wouldn't believe her if she tells you they used protection, get tested and be there with her for the results. You need to tell your doctor the reason for the tests or they won't test for everything(herpes). Some STD's don't show up until 6 months after the last event.

[runredlights]

But what if you don't ever discover it? I have a thread regarding a similar situation. I have been tempted to try and find the guy and ask him what really happened because I am suspicious whether or not my ex told me the whole truth. At the same time I also feel like it isn't our cross to bear and whatever did actually happen is something that the cheater has to live with.Whether or not they feel remorse is another story.

[Jayman14]

Wow, I didn't expect anybody to write back, I appreciate all the advice and thoughts on my situation, I think some counseling would benefit me a lot, just taking that step will be hard, i also spoke to my wife about it and she thinks it's a good idea to!

[No Limit]

You've been married for just 6 months and she's already cheated (perhaps she did it earlier too but you found out only about the latest stunt of hers, who knows). Get out of that marriage and run. Should you decide to sacrifice yourself anyway, at least get all kids DNA tested before signing any birth certificates.

[Lion Heart]

How did you find out?

Are there children?

 

My husband's affair person threatened to tell me herself if he didn't. Apparently it was already "over" for 4 weeks but she brought it to a head mid Dec. He texted me while I was watching my child's gym lesson.

 

Personally it would have made a HUGE difference if he'd come clean himself. Did she? Or was she caught out?

 

I got home, he left his phone because I wanted to phone her FIRST before I spoke to the lying piece of ****. I knew he'd lie and swear on his childrens graves - he's a drama queen. Master of deception, smoke screening and deflecting ALL responsibility on to me! Ha, sorry I didn't put said member in unmarried places. NOT MY DOING! NOT YOURS EITHER!

Gotta love the mid-life crisis excuse. Maybe all professing to be in that state of life need to resign from any roles of responsibility, hand in their driver's licenses oh and remember to leave poor suckers like us before being entirely irresponsible.

 

He took kids to rellys and then took off so fast. He had the cranks that I'd taken all but $1 out of his account so HE didn't want to talk to me!

 

I phoned AP and took 3 pages of notes. Just do it. I had about 5 questions ready but just let her talk and cry which she did for about an hour. Errrrk. Boy even she minimised it! No doubt in the hope she'd have my husband for Christmas. Boy was she welcome to him! They deserve each other. They'd starve with no one to pay for food but maybe "all you need is love" yeah right.

 

I had clarity for about 5 hours then I got drunk for a month.

 

You are holding it together so well and you know you deserve better than this crap! No matter what you look like!

Ofcourse your self esteem has taken an immense beating. But she's got no credibility brother so turn off if she criticizes YOU! Forget about her, write a short list of how YOU are going to look after YOU. Join a rowing team or gym or whatever you want. She did whatever destructive things she wanted. You do constructive things. Buy a really nice outfit. A new cologne. Go out with your mates. Stay at one of their houses and make her sweat for a change. Take a VERY LONG time to answer texts or better still delete them.

Get a salon tan even! I did. So good. So ridiculous but so good. NICE new underwear and wear them out.

Sorry am I prescribing revenge? I don't mean to be! These are FEEL GOOD actions. Detachment actions.

Take care

Lion Heart

[Lion Heart]

And mate! You're worried that ALL women think you're hideous?

 

Who cares what "all women think" we are NOT all the same. Thank God for that you'll say VERY soon.

 

Write all your positives down. Get a nice friend to help. Learning to love yourself begins with liking something about yourself. Small steps. Once you truly embrace and forgive that inner nice guy for loving an unworthy person, you're gonna build yourself up and be confident. That's an extremely attractive thing for a woman. Faithfulness is important to some too! What a novel idea hey?

Maybe some men want all women to like them but you only need the love of one good person who DESERVES you. Sorry buddy, she's not good enough for you. Hang in there if you want but you're burning daylight! Get that tan.

[mefisto]

How a man should cope with cheating of his gf, even after the end of relationship, when he knows personally the other guy, and he knows that he is better than him in all aspect of life? I mean better in socioeconomic matter, personality matter, sexual matter, confidence matter. How to restore self-esteem after such massive devastating attack to your manhood? How to stop imagining the infidelity act in your head?

[Justanaverageguy]

2 months ago I found out my wife had slept with her boss twice, we have been happily together for 7 years and married for 6 months, she is going through what seems like midlife crisis at the age of 30, im not dealing with it very well at all.

 

Hey Jaymann - horrible situation not really something you can deal with well. I went through something pretty similar (slightly worse due to circumstances if you can believe that) last year. Very very similar scenario - together 5 years - married 4 months - caught her cheating with a guy from her work. She was 29.

 

Sounds kind of spooky how similar the situation is right ? Whats funnier is I have seen the EXACT same thing happen with 3 or 4 other people I know in person over the last 3 years in this exact age bracket. The women's mid life crisis at 30 is real ... but the reasons are not what you would think. Go and read this book now - here It will answer a lot of your questions about WTF went on and why your wife did what she did. It's not necessarily going to fix the problem but at least you will have some understanding of what happened and why. It also is very accurate at describing the emotions and actions men tend to go through after these events and how these are usually the exact opposite of what you should be doing.

 

I would highly recommend you download and read it cover to cover. For me the it really helped to move on and get back on my feet - including getting my manhood back and telling the bitch to go take a hike.

 

If my wife and I don't work things out im scared i will never recover from this!

 

I think some counseling would benefit me a lot, just taking that step will be hard, i also spoke to my wife about it and she thinks it's a good idea to!

 

Why are you asking her about you going to counseling ? She should be the one in therapy - not you - and you should not be going to her for advice like that. Seriously you need to enact No Contact now! Do not go to her for advice, do not beg her to stay. Read the 180 thread on this forum and reach down into your pants - remember you have a set of balls and start acting like a man again.

 

Believe me I know how emasculating this can be but you need to flip out of the sad, devastated crying like a sad puppy dog routine. Regardless of whether you want to save the relationship (your crazy if you do in my opinion) or move on - acting sad, pathetic and desperate is the last thing you want to be doing around your wife right now. Take a long hard look at what she did and get angry man. I mean 4 months after you were married !!! How ****ing dare she do this to you! Demand what you deserve - respect!

Edited January 14, 2015 by Justanaverageguy