My Wife Just Left...

[ralfgarnett]

Well here is my situation. My wife of 15 years decided that right after Christmas she wanted to leave me. We are two professionals with great jobs and 3 wonderful children. We never fight and I do not drink, smoke, or abuse her in any way. This whole episode has me confused and very upset. I love her with my whole heart and obviously that feeling is not mutual.

 

 

She told me about a week ago she wanted to leave. I read all the books and forums and found that you are to give them the space they need to figure out what they want. So I helped her get a place 2 minutes away from the house. I have asked her to reconsider, but she is set on leaving for some reason. She has already sat down with me and discussed splitting all the assets and the custody of our three children. (Remember that just a week ago, I was madly in love and thought she was too! ) It is like I am living in a nightmare that just gets worse every single day. She will have the kids have of the time, but they are going to be dropped off here at the house on school nights so they can sleep in their normal beds. I am at a point that I am loss and very confused. I asked her to go to counseling with me, and after a while she said should would go by herself and that I should go see one as well because I was upset. (She basically said that if she had to see one that I should have to as well...which I didn't argue at all about...even though I am not the one with the problems.) I did ask her why, and the only answers I get is that she "Loves me, but is not in love with me" I am 6'3'' 200 lbs and a decent looking guy. So it leaves me to believe that there may be someone else. She is always on her phone and when I get close to her, she says I am bothering her. All affection in the relationship has ended with her uptime on the phone. I see her laughing when she is on it and basically, all she does is sit around and play on it. She has gone on 3 separate trips in the last 12 months without me, and has never done that before in 15 years. She said she had to see if she missed me and she said she didn't. But, I don't know the friends she went on the trips with to confirm all of the information she told me. Like I said, I am heart broken right now and very confused. Any words of condolence would be greatly appreciated and your opinions valued.

 

 

Thanks...A Good Person

 

 

I feel for you mate I really do, 6 months down the line for me, in counselling, suffering depression, still confused hurt lost and very lonely, but it does get easier and bit by bit the numbness starts to ease and you start to function a bit easier, im not going to lie and tell you its easy because its not easy, its crap, its horrible and it hurts like hell, take comfort from small victories, they can be what ever you want you decide, sleeping alone sucks I am doing it for the first time in 19 years, but to pad the bed out I put her pillows long wise down the side of the bed and sometimes lie on my side with my arms round them or at my back to keep me warm, not that I think its her it just fills our big bed quite well, look mate im thinking of you and I cant really offer much advice as im not really qualified in my sorry state but you will reach a level of some knind of normality it just takes time and as much as you need, cry, talk, post, reflect, think, sleep eat what you can and if you need to drink then drink I cant talk I have drank very day, but keep posting on here there is plenty of good advice on here and its a good place to vent, good luck mate im rooting for you and will reply if I can think of any worth saying, one thing I will say is to back off from her if you can, don't beg, plead, pursue anything like that, I wish I knew then what I know now it might of made a difference but I did all the wrong things and I think it pushed her away a bit, we all do it I suppose I reckon many on here would admit that, but what are we supposed to do you don't see it coming so you act like a wounded anaimal and seek solace.

Edited January 12, 2015 by ralfgarnett

[agoodperson]

You all are helping me through a living nightmare. I am now sitting in a counselling office waiting to be seen. The funny thing is she set up the appointments and made mine 1st. (Wtf?) Hers is 2 weeks away. Crazy isn't it? I will look into having a legal custody document made up ASAP. I am now about to go home from work for the first time ever without her to talk to. She texts me as though we are best friends today while leaving me and the kids. I think she believes that seeing the children half the days will make them see her as a good mother. (Which it may) she is very intelligent which scares the living Crap out of me. But she has agreed to all my terms and has started filling out the legal documents to make it official. I can't understand why she is in such a rush to get the divorce. She says there are no others but her actions make me question that. What to do...what to do?

Edited January 12, 2015 by agoodperson

[Mr. Lucky]

She gave up the house and made me the custodial parent already. (She wrote it out) she got 2 bedroom so the kids can sleep there 2 nights out of 14 and I get them 12 nights out of 14. She will have them half the days and so will i.

 

Given the circumstances, is this custody arrangement what you want ??? Is there a reason you're not proposing a more equal division of parenting responsibilities?

 

She seems to be setting herself up to live a very single lifestyle...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Chi townD]

You all are helping me through a living nightmare. I am now sitting in a counselling office waiting to be seen. The funny thing is she set up the appointments and made mine 1st. (Wtf?) Hers is 2 weeks away. Crazy isn't it? I will look into having a legal custody document made up ASAP. I am now about to go home from work for the first time ever without her to talk to. She texts me as though we are best friends today while leaving me and the kids. I think she believes that seeing the children half the days will make them see her as a good mother. (Which it may) she is very intelligent which scares the living Crap out of me. But she has agreed to all my terms and has started filling out the legal documents to make it official. I can't understand why she is in such a rush to get the divorce. She says there are no others but her actions make me question that. What to do...what to do?

 

 

 

 

What?!?!? For an incredibly intelligent woman that you claim her to be, she's about as dumb as a box of rocks.

 

 

What woman voluntarily leaves her children and thinks it's a GOOD thing for her to only see her children half the time? Thus, only being a part time mother? You think they'll thank her for that? Leaving you and them for NO APPARENT REASON?!?!?

 

 

Look, right now your kids are sad, angry and scared. Your wife is off her rocker; therefore, you need to be the parent that they need. Be that shoulder to cry on and be that rock that they need.

[KBarletta]

She texts me as though we are best friends today while leaving me and the kids.

 

My advice, from personal experience: DON'T engage in unnecessary friendliness with her at this point. More than likely, she's trying to remain friends to ease her own guilt and make herself feel better about it all. I would ONLY engage on the essential topics of your children and any appointments, bills, etc. that must be discussed. Anything else is totally unnecessary and will be of absolutely no use to you. Avoid it.

 

 

 

I can't understand why she is in such a rush to get the divorce. She says there are no others but her actions make me question that. What to do...what to do?

 

FYI, you are under no obligation to make this go fast, unless that is how you both want it to go. There are ways to slow this down if you think that would be beneficial in some ways. Make sure you speak to a lawyer about all of your options, etc., on that front before jumping into something you regret.

[clevelander321]

You all are helping me through a living nightmare. I am now sitting in a counselling office waiting to be seen. The funny thing is she set up the appointments and made mine 1st. (Wtf?) Hers is 2 weeks away. Crazy isn't it? I will look into having a legal custody document made up ASAP. I am now about to go home from work for the first time ever without her to talk to. She texts me as though we are best friends today while leaving me and the kids. I think she believes that seeing the children half the days will make them see her as a good mother. (Which it may) she is very intelligent which scares the living Crap out of me. But she has agreed to all my terms and has started filling out the legal documents to make it official. I can't understand why she is in such a rush to get the divorce. She says there are no others but her actions make me question that. What to do...what to do?

 

 

Same thing my ex did.. She said seeing the kids less will make each of us better parents, and she continued to text me as if we were besties.

 

My ex was also in the biggest hurry.. So big of a hurry that she passed on alimony to get the divorce moved along quickly.. But I knew mine planned on getting remarried immediately..Not sure if that fell through or not as I just discovered some interesting things.

[agoodperson]

Given the circumstances, is this custody arrangement what you want ??? Is there a reason you're not proposing a more equal division of parenting responsibilities?

 

She seems to be setting herself up to live a very single lifestyle...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

I am a family man...through and through. I want the kids to sleep in their same beds for school ad this is what I feel is best for them. She agrees and then we split the rest of the days with each other. What I really want is her to stay home with us...but that is a wasted want as I am starting to realize. Thanks everyone for your support.

[chew123]

My ex is doing the same thing. In a big hurry to divorce so she can get married I am guessing since she did not want alimony. My advice is to accommodate her. She is probably feeling guilty about whatever is going on.

 

Now is the chance to get the best deal for you and your children. Go to a lawyer figure out what you want and what is fair and get the best deal you can. You can always stop the proceedings or get remarried if you want to get back together.

 

Once time passes she may change her mind and not be as accommodating.

I know this is sudden for you, it is for a lot of us, but in my case I got a very favorable deal by agreeing to her request to move fast.

 

Good luck.

 

By the way my wife said many of the exact things yours is saying, so I am not saying there is definetly another man, but there is a very good chance.

[ralfgarnett]

When you get home tonight it will be strange without her but distract yourself, always make sure you have a radio to hand and switch it or the TV on straight away so that you are instantly out of that instant silence that we all hate, listen to anything but avoid lovey type songs, I listen to a lot of classical music as it has no words, turn it up loaud and let it distract you, good luck let us know how you get on.

[clevelander321]

In a way, I feel you are lucky..

 

Your wife already moved out and let you have custody.. I know it is difficult, but move forward and get this more official..

 

I had to live with my wife during the divorce as she would not leave, so it was a big relief once she did.. It was the worst 2 months of my life..

 

She also fought me for custody, and won at the temporary hearing.. Not much i could do as my son was three, and she was basically a stay at home mom.. That was the hardest part, and still is.. Not seeing my son everyday..

[agoodperson]

I have just finished a marriage counseling session by myself. He wanted me to focus on the kids. Basically just listened and explained that I may never find the answers I am looking for or I may over a long period of time. He honestly seemed just as confused as me but didn't want to say to much. It was interesting to partake in. She just left the house with more of her things. (Another blade in my heart)

[oldshirt]

STOP!!!!

 

You are under attack!!! You know how we all felt when the second plane hit the other WTC tower? That is what is happening here!

 

See a lawyer NOW!!! Do no agree to anything, sign anything, say anything or do anything without the direct and expressed counsel of your attorney?

 

This is the first wave of a well orchestrated attack. Your property, your resources and your relationship with your children are under attack and you must immediately circle your wagons and dig in for a fight.

 

There is no way there is not another man behind this and she is pulling out of your house to move into a new life with him and she is going to try to take all your stuff with her. She is acting cooperative now because she just wants out and wants to walk away Scott free but she will be back for more very very soon.

 

Don't waste time with frick'n counselors and crap. Dig in and fight back! This bomb that dropped is the lead plane of Pearl Harbor and you are the Arizona if you don't fight back and defend yourself.

[DKT3]

There is no doubt she is deeply involved with someone else. Shortly, you will start to see proof. Then of course it will be "were just friends" or "nothing happened until I left" or "Its nothing serious". Don't believe any of it, its all a lie. She left you for him, make no mistake about it. Its hard to hear, but you need to know it to move forward.

 

I suggest you do a few things

 

1) fast track the divorce process, she is so blinded by this other person that she isn't fighting you for anything including the kids. Use that to your favor. The more time goes the more she will want. Do it fast, take as much emotion out of it as you can.

 

2) change your opinion of her, she is gone (right now) she isn't your friend, she is no longer on your team.

 

3) do not allow her to dictate anything. She wants out get her gone then cut her off in all aspects of your life. Don't allow her to call you and talk feeling (which she will do), do not allow her to string you along with anything future involving the two of you. Do not allow her to come the home and do things with the kids. She wanted gone, get her gone.

 

The reason #3 is so important is because she will use these things to have both, her other lover and her family and do so with little to no guilt. She says she wants to see if she will miss you, then make her miss you.

 

Trust me (along with the others here) its hard, you'll have breakdowns and weak moments, just don't do it in front of her. Show her no emotions or softness. Stay firm, and before you know it it will hurt less.

 

Sorry for your pain, but you will get through this, I promise.

Edited January 12, 2015 by DKT3

[hoping2heal]

Pretty clear from what you've written here that she has been having an affair.

 

What a fool she is. If you have a loving, stable husband who is a good father you appreciate him. You don't cast him to the side for a cheap thrill. Then when that blows up she'll realize what an idiot she was because big surprise here: people who will enter into affairs with you more often than not, do not make for very good life partners.

[chew123]

DKT3,

 

I agree with most of your advice especially getting the divorce going. I have done it a little differently though. As I know I don't want her back I see no reason to not engage in a little chitchat and do some things with my son as a family(ex go out to dinner). I expect the divorce to be final this month and until then I am being nice to all as to not rock the boat.

 

And we still have the house to sell, so in order to efficiently clean it out and get it ready for sale we are going to probably have some extended contact.

 

Since I am done, I don't see any harm in being somewhat friendly to facilitate getting her out as quickly as possible. What do you think?

[MajorOak]

We are all sorry you have to go through this, it feels like Deja vu to a lot of us.

Your head will be spinning about now. You should consider some of the good advice you are receiving and focus on your children.

 

 

It sounds all to familiar to me, the vacations could be a red hearing and the other man is a lot closer to home than you think.

 

Some may call it the walk away wife syndrome, I refer to it now as the monkey syndrome.

Monkeys don't let go safe secure branches until they have grabbed hold of another branch.

 

 

our thoughts are with you.

[DKT3]

DKT3,

 

I agree with most of your advice especially getting the divorce going. I have done it a little differently though. As I know I don't want her back I see no reason to not engage in a little chitchat and do some things with my son as a family(ex go out to dinner). I expect the divorce to be final this month and until then I am being nice to all as to not rock the boat.

 

And we still have the house to sell, so in order to efficiently clean it out and get it ready for sale we are going to probably have some extended contact.

 

Since I am done, I don't see any harm in being somewhat friendly to facilitate getting her out as quickly as possible. What do you think?

 

I agree, I wouldn't say nice, but more emotionless. No anger, no happy, no sad, no dissappointment. Just business, childs and divorce. This will likely mean being a good actor because your insides will be in chaos and all over the place.

[Ralph79]

@ agoodperson:

 

There are so many variables to take into account here that it would drive you insane to try to figure them all out. A lot of people are advising you to take legal steps to protect yourself. That's smart. Another bunch is trying to point out that she is cheating on you. Probably. Others are pointing out how wrong she is in leaving you and her kids.

 

What gets lost in these cases, and it took me several months to figure this out for myself is ... Pride. This woman is rejecting you. Whatever the reason, cheating, unhappiness, lunacy... Point is, this woman is telling you she doesn't want you anymore. I'm pretty sure you will find someone else if you make yourself available. At this moment you're probably thinking to yourself that you are set on HER. But she has crossed a line and you should feel offended.

 

You have no idea how much I wish I had kept my pride when all this happened to me, but I didn't. I no longer miss her, but I cringe whenever I remember getting hurt even more trying to save that marriage.

 

You have beautiful kids who are going to need a strong father figure. Your life has purpose. Be grateful for that. This is something very difficult that you are going through, try and make it easier on yourself however you can. I'll give you a silly simple exercise to help you start if you care to follow:

 

I took the liberty of taking several quotes from your posts:

 

"Telling the kids was horrible." // Telling the Kids was a bad idea.

"It is torture in the worse way." // It's not good

"It is soul crushing to say the least." // It's disappointing to say the least

"but I'm very angry she has destroyed the family" // I'm upset that she wants to leave us

"She has the means and obviously now the will to destroy our family" // She is set on leaving us

"(Another blade in my heart)" // Another nuisance

 

Problems in your life are as big as your mind makes them. You weren't born attached to the hip to your wife. You don't really NEED her , despite your feelings otherwise. Helpful hint I can give you from experience, is try to force yourself to express things in a less dramatic fashion. I did that a lot, and when I started to minimize the problems in my mind, it helped me cope with them better.

 

You have a lot of things in your life to look forward too. Focus on those things as well whenever you can. It's though. But you're not alone. You're never alone.

[whichwayisup]

I can't understand why she is in such a rush to get the divorce. She says there are no others but her actions make me question that. What to do...what to do?

 

Something is up. You felt like everything was okay before she announced she was leaving, right? You were happy, things were good at home, active sex life and all?

 

Either she was lying and miserable the whole time and just waiting to get her ducks in a row or there is someone else. May I ask how old your wife is?

 

Her actions are questionable and you should be wondering. Smells like she's met someone and acting too nice, best friend attitude and wants peace. Like she's hiding something and hoping you won't discover it and blow up her plans.

 

DO talk to a lawyer, get ready for anything.

 

Where is she living?

[LoveMyCat]

You all are helping me through a living nightmare. I am now sitting in a counselling office waiting to be seen. The funny thing is she set up the appointments and made mine 1st. (Wtf?) Hers is 2 weeks away. Crazy isn't it? I will look into having a legal custody document made up ASAP. I am now about to go home from work for the first time ever without her to talk to. She texts me as though we are best friends today while leaving me and the kids. I think she believes that seeing the children half the days will make them see her as a good mother. (Which it may) she is very intelligent which scares the living Crap out of me. But she has agreed to all my terms and has started filling out the legal documents to make it official. I can't understand why she is in such a rush to get the divorce. She says there are no others but her actions make me question that. What to do...what to do?

 

It is good you are going to see a lawyer. When she comes down to earth, or the affair, if it is happening, goes sour, she may suddenly want her kids back. She could just not return them one weekend and legally, you would not be able to do anything until you filed for custody, etc...it could get ugly fast.

 

She seems to be in a euphoric stage ,i.e loving her new life, but that won't last forever.

[agoodperson]

Something is up. You felt like everything was okay before she announced she was leaving, right? You were happy, things were good at home, active sex life and all?

 

Either she was lying and miserable the whole time and just waiting to get her ducks in a row or there is someone else. May I ask how old your wife is?

 

Her actions are questionable and you should be wondering. Smells like she's met someone and acting too nice, best friend attitude and wants peace. Like she's hiding something and hoping you won't discover it and blow up her plans.

 

DO talk to a lawyer, get ready for anything.

 

Where is she living?

 

she is 42...I'm 40. We had sex once a week rarely twice. We were...what I thought...very happy. Plenty of cash...straight a kiddos...and a beautiful home with four cars. I'm a good looking man who spoiled the Crap out of her. This is why I'm so confused.she swears it is just a ton of little things that added up to her not being attracted to me anymore over a long period of time. I swear it is someone else online away from here. I may never know the truth. She loves the kids and that is why I'm really surprised at her leaving. I couldn't imagine leaving them half the week. I have talked to a lawyer since she is filling out the paperwork right now with all my demands met. It is very strange to say the least. I am being fair but don't quite get why she doesn't want lawyers involved since I would end up paying anyways. Is that weird or just me?

[clevelander321]

Sometimes these people just snap.. I am 39 she was 40. Same here.. Nice cars, beautiful home, free time, vacations, beautiful son etc.

 

She wouldn't be away from my son for one minute, then all of a sudden started taking solo vacations and would leave us for 10 days at a time..

 

Looking back I should have known, but I just couldn't believe it..it made no logical sense.

[agoodperson]

Sometimes these people just snap.. I am 39 she was 40. Same here.. Nice cars, beautiful home, free time, vacations, beautiful son etc.

 

She wouldn't be away from my son for one minute, then all of a sudden started taking solo vacations and would leave us for 10 days at a time..

 

Looking back I should have known, but I just couldn't believe it..it made no logical sense.

 

I am sorry about your situation. I would not wish this type of pain on anyone. It is worse than death. With death, you understand that it is over. This has no answers and even less closure. I will use this thread as a way to help myself heal by writing to awesome people. It has made me a bit stronger...that is the first positive I have had in a while emotionally.

[DKT3]

I am sorry about your situation. I would not wish this type of pain on anyone. It is worse than death. With death, you understand that it is over. This has no answers and even less closure. I will use this thread as a way to help myself heal by writing to awesome people. It has made me a bit stronger...that is the first positive I have had in a while emotionally.

 

You can't understand crazy, stop trying. Your closure will come.

 

Don't be scared. I think the mistake that most of us made is trying to hope them back. Fearing that if you push too hard they will get upset. Your wife is in LaLaland, eventually she will snap out of it. Right now she has tunnel vision all she can see is being with this other person, use that to you advantage.

 

I know we keep repeating the same things, but you have to understand this thing, most likely you won't be able to move past this and put your marriage back together even is she came back tomorrow. Forget the thoughts of "WINNING" her back and focus on winning the divorce. This is done by being active and not reactive. Do wait on her to file, don't wait on her period.

 

This sucks, but it gets better

[bubbaganoosh]

Stop wasting time with her because it's like trying to out run your shadow. Right now she's three steps ahead of you and you'll never catch up and doing so will just make it worse.

 

My advice is this. See a lawyer NOW, and file, have her served. You have custody of the kids so the you make sure that she pays support for her children. She's no different then the rest who have to. Their her kids too and she has a obligation to support them and make sure she does.

 

Next thing is to cut off all contact with her except when it comes to the kids, get you finances in your name only. Put her on a island and let her stay there by herself. Enjoy your kids, and stop thinking about what she's doing because there isn't anything you can do about it and all it will do is prevent you from healing.