Yasuandio Posted January 18, 2015 Share Posted January 18, 2015 Please don't make yourself physically, emotionally, and possibly mentally ill by subjecting yourself to joking with her (for the kids). That is not smart. Let her think she is getting married, and get out fast. OR, do you like the idea of possibly paying alimony to a cheating wife? Oh, please, stay away from this woman while she is sexing another man. That masochistic kinda thing ain't good for ya psyche, man. Please, listen, ok? I'm pleading with you. Yas Link to post Share on other sites
Chi townD Posted January 18, 2015 Share Posted January 18, 2015 Thanks for the comment. At this point, I don't expect her to admit anything. She has way to much to lose with the extended family and coworkers. I think about how she denied that there was any other guys and she flat out told me 6 different times that she never talked to a guy besides me. The pain is still there, but it is more anger than anything. I have paid off all the bills that were in both are names and now have a little bit of work to do financially to get this thing rolling. I am probably going to have to keep this thing a secret for about a month because she has to sign a ton documents for me business. I believe her guilt is making her just rush this thing along. But do I even want a divorce? Should I wait the 2 years or does it help me financially to get it over quick? If I wait, I don't pay a thing and stop her from re marrying the cheater. (Which is what I bet she wants) the clouds are still in my mind, but not as thick. (Which is not good for her) I still joked with her today, but it made me sick to my stomach to do it. (For my kids Get a divorce now and protect your assets. Right now, she's willing to sign anything. Take care of your assets and get the divorce. It's not unheard of Ex's coming back together and getting remarried. That's always an option. If you wait and she comes out of her fog a little, she might change her mind and might not be so agreeable. Link to post Share on other sites
ralfgarnett Posted January 18, 2015 Share Posted January 18, 2015 Please don't make yourself physically, emotionally, and possibly mentally ill by subjecting yourself to joking with her (for the kids). That is not smart. Let her think she is getting married, and get out fast. OR, do you like the idea of possibly paying alimony to a cheating wife? Oh, please, stay away from this woman while she is sexing another man. That masochistic kinda thing ain't good for ya psyche, man. Please, listen, ok? I'm pleading with you. Yas I agree with this entirely she isn't doing you any favours mate, but I also understand you wanting to joke with your wife, you are probably like me in a state of denial and disbelief about your entire situation, so you will be looking to find a glimmer of normality in your new relationship with her, I know only too well how this feels as I like to see some old traits in my wife o the rare occasions that I see her these days, its perfectly normal and human nature to seek good points in people and as long as you don't let it cloud your judgement I can see no harm in it and its good for the children to see their parents getting on well, good luck to you I am following your story from the other side of the big pond. Link to post Share on other sites
Author agoodperson Posted January 18, 2015 Author Share Posted January 18, 2015 I agree with this entirely she isn't doing you any favours mate, but I also understand you wanting to joke with your wife, you are probably like me in a state of denial and disbelief about your entire situation, so you will be looking to find a glimmer of normality in your new relationship with her, I know only too well how this feels as I like to see some old traits in my wife o the rare occasions that I see her these days, its perfectly normal and human nature to seek good points in people and as long as you don't let it cloud your judgement I can see no harm in it and its good for the children to see their parents getting on well, good luck to you I am following your story from the other side of the big pond. Thank you. I believe you summed it up perfectly. I do look for the best in people. But that is what got me into this mess in the first place. (To trusting) It has been a hard weekend. She continues to spend money on her new apartment which erks me. (On stuff for the kids basically...beds and other supplies) but this is a little sacrifice in order to help the kids adjust. Then she asked me to put the kids bed together when it arrives. (Which I will do because they are my kids) the whole situation stinks because she didn't come clean and admit the affair. After never lying to me in 14 years of marriage, she now lies constantly during this 15th year. To make matters worse, I went to an old ipad and because it is synced to her phone, I receive all the apps she downloads on her phone automatically. ..it had a texting and calling app on it from right after they starting screwing around. You don't need that app when you have unlimited everything on your phone. Deceitful! I feel like a total losers as I discover all these pieces of proof. Link to post Share on other sites
ralfgarnett Posted January 18, 2015 Share Posted January 18, 2015 Thank you. I believe you summed it up perfectly. I do look for the best in people. But that is what got me into this mess in the first place. (To trusting) It has been a hard weekend. She continues to spend money on her new apartment which erks me. (On stuff for the kids basically...beds and other supplies) but this is a little sacrifice in order to help the kids adjust. Then she asked me to put the kids bed together when it arrives. (Which I will do because they are my kids) the whole situation stinks because she didn't come clean and admit the affair. After never lying to me in 14 years of marriage, she now lies constantly during this 15th year. To make matters worse, I went to an old ipad and because it is synced to her phone, I receive all the apps she downloads on her phone automatically. ..it had a texting and calling app on it from right after they starting screwing around. You don't need that app when you have unlimited everything on your phone. Deceitful! I feel like a total losers as I discover all these pieces of proof. Your not a loser you have done nothing wrong, she is the loser and the wrong doer you are the victim in all this, yes its easy to feel sorry for ones self I do it a lot but we must remember our role in all this as innocent husbands that have commited no crimes, our wives are the deceitfull criminals, as with you my wife shocks me now as we were always true to each other in every way now I don't know her any more and hardly ever see her or speak to her, I know this sounds bad but she would of been better off dying as I could accept that in time and grieve accordingly, and that's what your doing your grieving for the death of your prescious marriage and also for the death of the love and mutual trust that died along side it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author agoodperson Posted January 18, 2015 Author Share Posted January 18, 2015 Your not a loser you have done nothing wrong, she is the loser and the wrong doer you are the victim in all this, yes its easy to feel sorry for ones self I do it a lot but we must remember our role in all this as innocent husbands that have commited no crimes, our wives are the deceitfull criminals, as with you my wife shocks me now as we were always true to each other in every way now I don't know her any more and hardly ever see her or speak to her, I know this sounds bad but she would of been better off dying as I could accept that in time and grieve accordingly, and that's what your doing your grieving for the death of your prescious marriage and also for the death of the love and mutual trust that died along side it. Truer words could not be written. I am mourning the death of a beautiful family life. The problem is that I have to relive that death every time I see her and she acts likes nothing is wrong. You are right about about mourning actual death. I could talk to everyone, but with this, I have had to keep quiet because we work together as teachers and it would make that very hard on both of us. I will never understand what switched in her head to pull that trigger to cheat and destroy the family, but I hope she eventually understands what she gave up and how bad she hurt everyone. She is now living the free life and not having any real responsibility. That will end once I get the finances in order, but that will take about a month and be very painful for me. Link to post Share on other sites
clevelander321 Posted January 18, 2015 Share Posted January 18, 2015 Truer words could not be written. I am mourning the death of a beautiful family life. The problem is that I have to relive that death every time I see her and she acts likes nothing is wrong. You are right about about mourning actual death. I could talk to everyone, but with this, I have had to keep quiet because we work together as teachers and it would make that very hard on both of us. I will never understand what switched in her head to pull that trigger to cheat and destroy the family, but I hope she eventually understands what she gave up and how bad she hurt everyone. She is now living the free life and not having any real responsibility. That will end once I get the finances in order, but that will take about a month and be very painful for me. Same here... My ex did the exact same thing.. I was so confused/mad/hurt.. She would act like nothing at all happened. In time she will realize what she did, and I know my ex is not very happy.. She broke down a few times with me just in the past couple of weeks. Not sure how your ex is, but mine would not think very far ahead.. She would get herself into a bad situation, then have a crisis. I feel she has done the same with her affair/divorce. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author agoodperson Posted January 18, 2015 Author Share Posted January 18, 2015 Same here... My ex did the exact same thing.. I was so confused/mad/hurt.. She would act like nothing at all happened. In time she will realize what she did, and I know my ex is not very happy.. She broke down a few times with me just in the past couple of weeks. Not sure how your ex is, but mine would not think very far ahead.. She would get herself into a bad situation, then have a crisis. I feel she has done the same with her affair/divorce. That is exactly what I think will happen. She will pay child support and all the other bills on her own and will be broke by next Christmas. She stills calls me asking for help on everything. Now I know everyone will say don't help, but she doesn't realize I know she cheated yet. When I break the news, that is when she will really be on her own. It is no fun letting her think she got away with it, but it is the best move for my financial future for the next month. I will have my time and then I will properly heal. I just don't know how a woman that is pampered and spoiled with 3 kids...middle aged...gives it all up to date a 25 year old kid who still lives with mom and dad. Does she think that she is going to be okay with that life. He lives over a 1000 miles away. Good luck paying for those trips. That guys does a road trip to bang her and then heads back to the young girls in his own town. She is clueless. Argggggggg! Link to post Share on other sites
clevelander321 Posted January 18, 2015 Share Posted January 18, 2015 That is exactly what I think will happen. She will pay child support and all the other bills on her own and will be broke by next Christmas. She stills calls me asking for help on everything. Now I know everyone will say don't help, but she doesn't realize I know she cheated yet. When I break the news, that is when she will really be on her own. It is no fun letting her think she got away with it, but it is the best move for my financial future for the next month. I will have my time and then I will properly heal. I just don't know how a woman that is pampered and spoiled with 3 kids...middle aged...gives it all up to date a 25 year old kid who still lives with mom and dad. Does she think that she is going to be okay with that life. He lives over a 1000 miles away. Good luck paying for those trips. That guys does a road trip to bang her and then heads back to the young girls in his own town. She is clueless. Argggggggg! It obviously won't work for her.. I do not know what they are thinking.. I don't think we will ever know or understand.. And yes, that is the hard part, trying to piece it all together and make sense of it.. Link to post Share on other sites
Author agoodperson Posted January 19, 2015 Author Share Posted January 19, 2015 It obviously won't work for her.. I do not know what they are thinking.. I don't think we will ever know or understand.. And yes, that is the hard part, trying to piece it all together and make sense of it.. I am starting to see the whole picture and it is ugly. She has been cheating for about 7 months and I never suspected a thing. She just finally told her dad tonight that she left me. I have a feeling she made it sound like I was okay with it...I was not at the time. That changed once I found out about the affair. Now here is a question I have for everyone here...what do I do about the cheating man? I know everything about him and he doesn't even know it yet...nor does she. (Name telephone number cell phone number address police record address extended family) in my book, I would like to think that someone that helps destroy a very happy family gets a little punishment as well. Advice... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
MajorOak Posted January 19, 2015 Share Posted January 19, 2015 agoodperson, I believe people reap what they sow, he will receive his comeuppance in time. And once the fantasy fog subsides so will your ex. I choose to ignore the other guys existence in my situation after first employing the "just let them go" mind-set from the link below, thinking like this helped me, not from a point of winning back the wife but moving on. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/separation-divorce/473646-i-just-want-my-wife-back#post5661375 Your only concern is you and your children right now. There is no need to play the "I know" everything card until the time is right. Link to post Share on other sites
Ralph79 Posted January 19, 2015 Share Posted January 19, 2015 I Now here is a question I have for everyone here...what do I do about the cheating man? I know everything about him and he doesn't even know it yet...nor does she. (Name telephone number cell phone number address police record address extended family) in my book, I would like to think that someone that helps destroy a very happy family gets a little punishment as well. Advice... Question. And think this through please. With your mind not your heart: How do you know this guy even knows he's helping destroy a very happy family? For all you know, your wife could've told him you are an abusive husband and an awful father. For all you know this guy could have been lied to as well. Your wife might've painted herself as a poor victim and he might believe he's her knight in shining armor. Granted, this isn't the way to go about it, but you don't know all the facts. It wouldn't be the first time your wife has lied , would it? I'm just saying, everything is lined up in your favor when the divorce proceedings come. Don't do something you are going to regret. Link to post Share on other sites
clevelander321 Posted January 19, 2015 Share Posted January 19, 2015 I am starting to see the whole picture and it is ugly. She has been cheating for about 7 months and I never suspected a thing. She just finally told her dad tonight that she left me. I have a feeling she made it sound like I was okay with it...I was not at the time. That changed once I found out about the affair. Now here is a question I have for everyone here...what do I do about the cheating man? I know everything about him and he doesn't even know it yet...nor does she. (Name telephone number cell phone number address police record address extended family) in my book, I would like to think that someone that helps destroy a very happy family gets a little punishment as well. Advice... Well, if you are trying to keep it secret obviously you cant do anything now. I couldn't keep it secret, called him, and recently threatened him. I would contact his entire family if I knew who they were. Link to post Share on other sites
Author agoodperson Posted January 19, 2015 Author Share Posted January 19, 2015 Question. And think this through please. With your mind not your heart: How do you know this guy even knows he's helping destroy a very happy family? For all you know, your wife could've told him you are an abusive husband and an awful father. For all you know this guy could have been lied to as well. Your wife might've painted herself as a poor victim and he might believe he's her knight in shining armor. Granted, this isn't the way to go about it, but you don't know all the facts. It wouldn't be the first time your wife has lied , would it? I'm just saying, everything is lined up in your favor when the divorce proceedings come. Don't do something you are going to regret. I totally agree with you. I will not ruin anything I have with my children. They have been constantly asking me why they have to go over to her apartment. They state that they don't like it. It kills me to hear that. My oldest 2 keep telling me that there has to be something else. Funny...I thought the same thing when she talked to me. Low and behold...there was. I will bite my tongue for there sake. We came up with a custody agreement that we will file this week. Kids at my house 6 out of 7 nights and we split the days 50 50. I couldn't imagine sleeping in a house without my kids for 6 out of 7 days. Scary what must be going through her mind. A regular dopamine highway with the excitement of the affair. Link to post Share on other sites
beach Posted January 19, 2015 Share Posted January 19, 2015 Start keeping your money separate. Close all joint accounts. If she needs money tell her to work and start paying for things herself. Begin detaching. When she needs something - tell her to hire someone. Stop being so nice to the monster that's ruining your whole family by being selfish. It's time she gets used to life without you making things so darn easy for her. She caused this - let HER figure out how to fix her own problems now - including how she will pay for things and putting beds together. You are no longer her handy man. Start saying NO to her. Link to post Share on other sites
nlynnc Posted January 19, 2015 Share Posted January 19, 2015 yes, i agree she is with someone else. women will not just move out like that unless there is someone else. Link to post Share on other sites
Author agoodperson Posted January 19, 2015 Author Share Posted January 19, 2015 yes, i agree she is with someone else. women will not just move out like that unless there is someone else. There is no doubt in my mind that there is someone else. I'm sitting here in the middle of the night trying to figure out how it got so bad for her mentally, that she would destroy 17 years of togetherness. She did something That was so morally wrong, that I put it up there with murder. Yet the worse thing that happens to her is she gets to take half of the property and assets from the family she murdered. It makes me angry to think that our children's lives will be so negatively impacted by her selfish behavior. But hey, she got another man to tell her everything she wants to hear. What a fool I am. Link to post Share on other sites
LoveMyCat Posted January 19, 2015 Share Posted January 19, 2015 I am starting to see the whole picture and it is ugly. She has been cheating for about 7 months and I never suspected a thing. She just finally told her dad tonight that she left me. I have a feeling she made it sound like I was okay with it...I was not at the time. That changed once I found out about the affair. Now here is a question I have for everyone here...what do I do about the cheating man? I know everything about him and he doesn't even know it yet...nor does she. (Name telephone number cell phone number address police record address extended family) in my book, I would like to think that someone that helps destroy a very happy family gets a little punishment as well. Advice... You can't or at least shouldn't do anything about the other man-what were you thinking of doing?? What punishment do you want him to receive? Maybe he did not know she was married at first...or if he did, maybe she told her marriage has been "over" for years, only stayed for the kids, etc and on and on. People justify affairs even to the one they are having them with all the time. Not saying he is innocent or a victim here, but he is not your problem; your wife did the harm to your marriage. She may or may not stay with this man in the long run. Some people find they can't face life every day with the person who "made" them leave their family behind. But you should not be there waiting for this to happen-you should be slowly rebuilding your own life, under the assumption that she is gone for good. I hate the very thought of cheating on a spouse, as far as I know this never happened during my marriage. But going after the other party is a coo-out, in my opinion and won't solve anything, except making your wife bond more with him and move even further away from you. Link to post Share on other sites
ralfgarnett Posted January 19, 2015 Share Posted January 19, 2015 Your wife is the one that cheated on you not the loser she is seeing, don't take this the wrong way but even if he knows about you he doesn't owe you anything mate, yes he should have more about him than to mess around with a married woman but he obviously has the morals of a sewer rat but then again sadly so does your wife right now, good luck mate we are all rooting for you I think you can tell that by the amount of responses your receiving, but don't do anything that you might later regret neither of them are worth it, keep your dignity and pride in tact and remember that you have done nothing wrong your an innocent victim keep it that way. Link to post Share on other sites
Author agoodperson Posted January 30, 2015 Author Share Posted January 30, 2015 Here is an update. Today was huge! We were both seeing counseling and I was told to confront her with evidence. I went in willing to work on this marriage no matter what the answer. The answer was that she was having an affair with a man 2000 miles away. I told her that I am willing to work on this marriage but she will need to cut him loose by tomorrow or else we will be divorced. We cried together and spilled our guts, but I could tell she loved both of us. He has 3 kids and just lost His house to foreclosure. (A real steal) she would never leave our kids here to move there. (She said that and I believe it) I just figure out what she is thinking. But ultimately, the truth is out and I gave her 24 hours to process this situation. The truth is that I want her, but she needs to be 100% I vested...just don't know if it will happen. I could use some kind words and some advice right now. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ralfgarnett Posted January 30, 2015 Share Posted January 30, 2015 If you believe in god then now is the time to start praying, failing that take the stance of a poker player, stay still, stay quiet, don't say or do anything, good luck I am rooting for you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author agoodperson Posted January 30, 2015 Author Share Posted January 30, 2015 If you believe in god then now is the time to start praying, failing that take the stance of a poker player, stay still, stay quiet, don't say or do anything, good luck I am rooting for you. I did pray and will do as you say with the being still. Horribly hard though being that I still live her immensely. Link to post Share on other sites
ralfgarnett Posted January 30, 2015 Share Posted January 30, 2015 Yep same here, I wish you luck my friend I wish I was even in a position that I could win my wife back, I too can only pray that one day I get that chance. Link to post Share on other sites
Author agoodperson Posted February 1, 2015 Author Share Posted February 1, 2015 Update...begging, pleading, and giving up my dignity did not work...surprise surprise. So I told her I want a divorce as well now and that I'm tired of being a doormat. All she was worried about was that I don't tell our kids she cheated. Promised me the world if I didnt. At this point, I want to be free of her brain games. She has changed from the beautiful bright loving and caring woman I met 17 years ago to a cold hearted selfish whore. The kids cry and ask why she is doing this and I lie so they can be spared the pain. I now accept the marriage is dead and I will have to continue life as a single father of 3. It is hard not given a sweet kiss in the morning or hearing the words "I love you". I hope to hear and more importantly feel that again, but in this small town, it will probably not happen. Life should never be this cruel. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Chi townD Posted February 1, 2015 Share Posted February 1, 2015 Update...begging, pleading, and giving up my dignity did not work...surprise surprise. So I told her I want a divorce as well now and that I'm tired of being a doormat. All she was worried about was that I don't tell our kids she cheated. Promised me the world if I didnt. At this point, I want to be free of her brain games. She has changed from the beautiful bright loving and caring woman I met 17 years ago to a cold hearted selfish whore. The kids cry and ask why she is doing this and I lie so they can be spared the pain. I now accept the marriage is dead and I will have to continue life as a single father of 3. It is hard not given a sweet kiss in the morning or hearing the words "I love you". I hope to hear and more importantly feel that again, but in this small town, it will probably not happen. Life should never be this cruel. I don't care how old the kids are, sooner or later, they're going to find out on their own. Might take months or years, but they're going to learn the truth on their own. Just be the best dad that you can be. Be there for the kids and be that shoulder to cry on when they need it. Link to post Share on other sites
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