Choosing to stay with someone who cheated on you? Does the hurtful feelings go away?

[Brookie16]

I want to know from people who stayed with someone who cheated on them. Did the trust ever come back or did they ever cheat again. Will the bad self-confidence go away, the hurtful, hateful feelings. I think about it everyday and it's interfering with my everyday life and I'm going to have a baby any day so I still with the guy have been with him 5 years and this is our second child. My emotions are all over the place partly because I'm pregnant. Wanting to know if it really is possible to forgive a cheater and build your relationship again and be able to trust them again?. I feel broken and he doesn't feel like the same person to me anymore but I still love him and am giving birth to our second child and he always been a great dad to our 4 year old daughter so I want to work things out and so does he. He seeked professional help and was diagnosed with severe anxiety And depression and sees a therapist every week now after he cheated and told me. I know people make mistakes but is this one will I ever be able to forgive him for. I'm hoping once I have the baby I will stop feeling so hurt and be able to focus on baby and I don't know if I can while I'm still living with my husband.

Edited January 12, 2015 by Brookie16

[aStranger]

You should probably wait to make a decision until after you have the baby due to hormones flooding you right now.

 

For me - no, I have never completely "gotten over" my wife's cheating. As far as has she cheated again - I don't know and she would NEVER tell me because that would be the end. There would be no third chance.

[Brookie16]

You should probably wait to make a decision until after you have the baby due to hormones flooding you right now.

 

For me - no, I have never completely "gotten over" my wife's cheating. As far as has she cheated again - I don't know and she would NEVER tell me because that would be the end. There would be no third chance.

 

How long has it been? do things get better over time or not really?

[aStranger]

How long has it been? do things get better over time or not really?

Its the sex that kills me. The images of her with him torture me. Its been 7 years and its better but I think I've just got used to feeling like a consolation prize and a whimp. I can't leave 'til these kids get to high school. I know the boy will come with me and good chance my daughter will too. She is going to finally pay a huge price for what she did to me. Dreaming of doing this keeps me sane.

[Brookie16]

Its the sex that kills me. The images of her with him torture me. Its been 7 years and its better but I think I've just got used to feeling like a consolation prize and a whimp. I can't leave 'til these kids get to high school. I know the boy will come with me and good chance my daughter will too. She is going to finally pay a huge price for what she did to me. Dreaming of doing this keeps me sane.

 

Really that what I thought yes it's so hard to not think that while sex that's when I think about it the wrost to but try to block it out, so you do plan on leaving her once your kids are older, is that the only reason you still stay is for your kids. That's why I'm still with him I am thinking about my daughter and baby on the way he is a great dad but now I feel he's a jackass husband and I don't feel that same way about him but my kids come first and by staying with him I think is best for our kids but I wish he could feel the hurt I feel

[Keke1]

Its the sex that kills me. The images of her with him torture me. Its been 7 years and its better but I think I've just got used to feeling like a consolation prize and a whimp. I can't leave 'til these kids get to high school. I know the boy will come with me and good chance my daughter will too. She is going to finally pay a huge price for what she did to me. Dreaming of doing this keeps me sane.

Man i don't even know how you deal. I don't have kids so can't really speak on that but the relationship would be over with. Couldn't look at her the same anymore. Hell is what you must've went through.

[No Limit]

The BF of a friend of mine cheated on her a few months ago with his ex. She initially wanted to break up but then gave in when he cried like a baby in front of her. Now she's a super-jealous mess and they argue almost regularly. At the very least she admits that she doesn't know how long the relationship will last. Her resentment is also pretty obvious.

[Kitkatleen24]

I've been cheated on by all my exs..... I don't know why, i've never cheated.

First boyfriend likes another girl that he went to camp with & it was a bad time, i forgave him but we broke up due to other reasons. Surprisingly i don't have any issues YET, prolly i was still young. I was the kind that have total trust in my boyfriend, even if he's texting million of girls everyday, not a jealous/insecure person.

 

Second boyfriend, cheated on me 4 times (emotionally, almost physically). We started out fine and he cheated 1 month into our relationship. And i forgave (seriously idk why i'm so stupid). I didn't really had trust issues till he cheated the 2nd time. I became insecure, paranoid and was always fighting with him due to resentment. I can't clearly remember what happen but we broke up due to him liking someone else.

 

Third boyfriend, he cheated before we started out & i didn't knew till we were a few months in. Was super hurt but he claim it was due to being drunk & they didn't do anything. Yeah BULL****. I was dumb and forgave again. I guess by now i should had already learn my lesson not to go back to a cheater. He was really remorse about it and i turned into someone really ****ty. I was controlling, insecure, paranoid. I don't allow him to interact with any girls and i wasn't even feeling bad cause i feel he owes me that. After being hurt so many times, you just can't help it.

 

So what happens? You never truly forgive a cheater. the hurt is there FOREVER. Nothing can make you feel better, you'll resent him and pick fights. And in future, you will still be insecure towards your new partner. Screw cheaters...!!

[bathtub-row]

Yes, the pain eventually goes away but the trust will probably never fully come back. For now, just have your baby and focus on that for awhile. Then decide what you want to do. Whatever happens, your relationship with him is forever changed. The innocence that the two of you once shared is gone. That's not to say that it can't be rebuilt, it just means it will be different.

 

After having been through this experience, I know that I would never, ever again forgive cheating. I would simply walk away. The problems, trust issues, pain, etc that it caused is something I will never go through again, and I would never try to rebuild after something like that. However, that's not to say it can't happen because people do it all the time. Just, for me, I never would. I tried it once and that's the last time.

[Lion Heart]

Hi there, it must be horrible not knowing what to do while you're pregnant.

How are things now?

Are you guys still together?

I left my eldest baby's father when he cheated on me twice on his first Father's Day. I was devastated when I found out. I kicked him out that night, I packed up and moved closer to relatives asap. We went to counselling for 2 years! He never moved back in and I wasn't gonna jump back in because I'd bought my first house with my brother by then. It ended abruptly when the police told me to "go home and look after your daughter". He was an alcoholic, gambling and sex addict too. Didn't know that when I married him. . It was mainly for my daughter that I left. I didn't want her to model her own husband on him. She hasn't I'm grateful to say.

 

Now it's happened again with my present husband of 15 years. It's so much harder this time (hard enough the 1st time! ). 3 more kids, mortgage together, much more invested etc.

 

I think I have no choice but to separate. He wants to work on it but as you said, it's so hard to trust again. Hard to respect a disrespectful person. If you and he thinks he's a good father (I disagree) but he can be a good father from another house.

 

How are you getting on?

[Lion Heart]

Yeah thought I should clarify my judgment call on "good father".

It's only my opinion that a good parent respects the children AND the other parent too. Hell I think if cheaters respected themselves, they'd do things differently.

Ofcourse a parents relationship exists with any children regardless of respect but a "good" person won't cheat and good fathers need to be good people first.

 

My main reason for leaving my present husband is so that my twin sons see REAL consequences for unacceptable behaviour and I'd be the first person around their house, kicking their a$$ if they EVER did anything like that.

 

Also my baby girl will need a good husband and father for her children. She can have my brother and her brother in law as good role models.

 

Good luck. Keep posting

[Dontfindme]

I can't even begin to imagine what you must be going through, OP. Baby on the way, and then processing what your boyfriend did to you- everyone here is telling you to focus on the baby, but your mind -I'm sure- is all over the place.

 

What a terrible mental state to be in. Personally, I would go stay with people who I can trust: family, close friends if that is possible during this time.

 

As for taking back a cheater? No. This is the ultimate disrespect. Continuing to be with them would hurt me more... And kids are resilient, it is better to be a single, happy parent, than coupled unhappy parents.

[mangetout]

I really feel for you. In my case the hurt is still there two years later. I am not with my ex fiancé any longer because we couldn't make it work. There was far too much hurt from both sides to move forward. I suffered from tremendous hurt by his betrayal and he suffered from tremendous guilt.

 

I will never rebuild a relationship if I am cheated on again. It was not worth the pain I went through. Once is enough.

 

I am in a better place now. Not fully recovered but getting there. The scars will always be there but I am learning to live with them... And I have learnt that i can live without my ex. Do I still love him? I think I do..not sure anymore. But that's no longer important anymore. My recovery from this ordeal, regaining my self worth and self esteem has become far more important to me than my ugly past with him.

[Dlucio1]

The hurt will always b there and u will have good days & bad days. Lots of mood swings too. It does get better though over time. When I found out of my husband's ea I literally was in this " I can't lose him, I love him more than myself more than life mode" u will also believe that u can't live without him and ur self esteem will plummet. U will think that u did something wrong or didn't give him enough love or attention. U will blame urself. U will b scared of being alone. Your mind will literally go crazy on trying to find out "WHY"?. They r ashamed to talk about it and if u do ask questions, it can sometimes cause fights and arguments, if he does get angry then u know what kind of man he is. A coward. Don't they know that doing this truly helps your partner HEAL. If they love you like they say they do, why don't they understand this? Get as much info of the affair. Ask questions even though it will b uncomfortable for both of u. Find out what was the real reason of the affair so u don't have to go mind guessing and torturing ur self and maybe can fix things for the both of u. Yes, They r ashamed and they feel like dirt, because they can't endure seeing that they r the sole reason for hurting one they love. My husband's shame has built up so much anger in him. All he has to do is admit and own his mistake then probably he will heal too. Then finally I can truly forgive. Let him hear and see ur pain. If they refuse as my husband has, one truly nvr heals and starts building resentment. So just be strong for u and ur baby. Show him ur a strong woman who will not put up with a 2nd time. And u'll know in time if he is truly remorseful. U don't know what ur future is with him right now. I'll take some time.

[No Limit]

The hurting feelings go away after 2 - 5 years (sometimes never, but only one way to find it out eh?), the resentment something about the same time span (ONLY if he works every single day of this life from now on to not trigger you; good luck convincing a cheater of doing that, it would require real commitment) and you'll forever have doubts haunting you. Have fun.