redhead34 Posted January 12, 2015 Share Posted January 12, 2015 (edited) Hi first time poster. I was having an affair with a married man for 5 months he left his wife 6 months ago, we have been together since. The problem - awful awful guilt, i can't really believe i have behaved how i have. Has anyone else been in this situation? How did you deal with it? I have lost most of the people who matter to me. He gets upto some things which he kept from me. I really want to make this work otherwise i have destroyed someone for nothing. We really do genuinely love each other but it is so hard. Edited January 12, 2015 by redhead34 added more 1 Link to post Share on other sites
No Limit Posted January 12, 2015 Share Posted January 12, 2015 We really do genuinely love each other but it is so hard. That remains to be seen. A few months aren't enough for "real love", the affair fog has to lift first. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
TrustedthenBusted Posted January 12, 2015 Share Posted January 12, 2015 Hi first time poster. I was having an affair with a married man for 5 months he left his wife 6 months ago, we have been together since. The problem - awful awful guilt, i can't really believe i have behaved how i have. Has anyone else been in this situation? How did you deal with it?* I have lost most of the people who matter to me. He gets upto some things which he kept from me. I really want to make this work otherwise i have destroyed someone for nothing. We really do genuinely love each other but it is so hard. There is a reason they say that the best revenge you can take on the woman who steals your husband, is to let her keep him. Sorry to hear that paradise isn't what you expected. ...ok I'm lying.. I'm not sorry. Seriously though...that you feel some guilt is a good sign. It means that you are beginning to think clearly, and see your situation for what it probably is. Good luck. 10 Link to post Share on other sites
Sub Posted January 12, 2015 Share Posted January 12, 2015 He gets upto some things which he kept from me. Can you elaborate? Link to post Share on other sites
Author redhead34 Posted January 12, 2015 Author Share Posted January 12, 2015 I didn't expect paradise, far from it. Im very aware of what I have done, i can never change it tho its done. What is affair fog ? Link to post Share on other sites
Author redhead34 Posted January 12, 2015 Author Share Posted January 12, 2015 Can you elaborate? Occasional drug use, which i have a major problem with Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted January 12, 2015 Share Posted January 12, 2015 Occasional drug use, which i have a major problem with Remember, you're not obligated to him. If you don't like that he does drugs, or if things aren't working, you can end it. This is why people who are married or in relationships shouldn't leave their spouses for the OW/OM. If his marriage was bad, he should have left regardless if you were there or not. But, since he left his wife 'for' you, that puts more pressure on your affair turned relationship. He up and left his life as he knows it, left everything behind and you changed yours instantly and lost some people along the way. It's very unhealthy to just do that, as I'm sure you see now. Also, you really don't know him that well as you're finding stuff out about him that you didn't know. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author redhead34 Posted January 12, 2015 Author Share Posted January 12, 2015 Remember, you're not obligated to him. If you don't like that he does drugs, or if things aren't working, you can end it. This is why people who are married or in relationships shouldn't leave their spouses for the OW/OM. If his marriage was bad, he should have left regardless if you were there or not. But, since he left his wife 'for' you, that puts more pressure on your affair turned relationship. He up and left his life as he knows it, left everything behind and you changed yours instantly and lost some people along the way. It's very unhealthy to just do that, as I'm sure you see now. Also, you really don't know him that well as you're finding stuff out about him that you didn't know. I feel as i helped ruin someones life i need to try to make it work otherwise ive behaved awfully for nothing. i thought i knew him but yes i didn't really also he doesn't feel any guilt which i can not understand Link to post Share on other sites
aliveagain Posted January 12, 2015 Share Posted January 12, 2015 I guess the guilt is a result of coming to grips with who you really are, your self image isn't in tune with the real you. The fantasy you didn't just break up somebody's marriage/family, the real you did. Do you both feel safe with each other? If he can do it with you he can do it to you, that would be my concern. If none of you respect boundaries how will the two of you work? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
TrustedthenBusted Posted January 12, 2015 Share Posted January 12, 2015 I feel as i helped ruin someones life i need to try to make it work otherwise i've behaved awfully for nothing. i thought i knew him but yes i didn't really also he doesn't feel any guilt which i can not understand Did you really just say you need to make your relationship work in order to justify the awful behavior from which is spawned? Read that again. Because it's really crazy. In fact, the BEST outcome - if you are wanting the BS to feel some relief - would be for you to decide you don't want this guy. I assure you his ex wife would rather see you two fail, than succeed. Plus...you know.... eventually he's gonna cheat on you too. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Sub Posted January 12, 2015 Share Posted January 12, 2015 I feel as i helped ruin someones life i need to try to make it work otherwise ive behaved awfully for nothing. If you're starting off this relationship trying to get over his own dishonesty with you - on top of feeling guilty - it may be best to at the very least pump the breaks on this one. Why try to get over what you feel was one mistake by making what you're considering could be another. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
twosadthings Posted January 12, 2015 Share Posted January 12, 2015 It sounds to me like you did her a favor. Keep your wits about you in your relationship because his character, not addressing yours, is very much in question. Just sayin', Twosadthings 1 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted January 12, 2015 Share Posted January 12, 2015 I feel as i helped ruin someones life i need to try to make it work otherwise ive behaved awfully for nothing. i thought i knew him but yes i didn't really also he doesn't feel any guilt which i can not understand Affair fog is, once the honeymoon stage is over, reality hits. His sh.t stinks, just like everybody else. The behind closed doors, affair dynamic where things are good and fun, intense all change once the A is out in the open, even more so since he left his wife for you. Now it's the good, bad and the ugly, a real relationship that has flaws, not based on what goes on behind closed doors during an A. If you had to do it over again, would you still have an A with him? Are you in love with him and want to marry him someday, have children with him? IF yes, then work through it. If no, then you can walk away since you're not married or obligated to him. Is he living with you? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
MuddyRock Posted January 12, 2015 Share Posted January 12, 2015 Do NOT try and make it work out of guilt. Actually you will probably give the ex wife relief and satisfaction by your relationship blowing up. So don't stay because then you think her devastation is for nothing. Unless you want to be in her position in a few years or sooner then jump ship now. You know he is a lier and already seeing red flags. Link to post Share on other sites
Rainbowlove Posted January 12, 2015 Share Posted January 12, 2015 Yeah, that's the we "have" to make this work or everyone will think we are nuts and all of it was for nothing. I remember feeling like that and it's an awful lot of pressure on a new relationship - not to mention feeling guilty and awful for destroying ppl's lives. I couldn't get passed it. My AP left her H and I left my wife (we are lesbians). There was no deception to either of our spouses. We loved each other and told our spouses immediately long before we became physical (both marriages 2 decades and totaling the Brady Bunch in kids). The fog is powerful. It tricks you into believing all kinds of crazy thoughts. Like; we were meant to be together and I never knew happiness before and all kinds of untruths about our spouses. While in the fog, we can't believe its just the fog. Some say the fog doesn't exist. It did for me. Once it started to lift, after leaving my family home for a few months, I could see things differently and ended my affair. So the all for nothing came true in my life (sort of). I think things happen for a reason. I think my XAP is living the life she wants to live and her H too. They were both gay living heterosexual lives. Now, they both have faced their truths and are with same sex partners. My wife and are repairing our marriage. It's been over a year now and it's getting better. I like the direction we are going in. Forgiving myself has been a lot of work. Sounds like you need to find a way to accept that it happened for a reason; his meeting you, you meeting him and his leaving his wife. No matter if your reslationship lasts, you will both have learned valuable lessons. Try not to focus on what others think of you and your relationship. That will kill it before you even get started. If you love him, love him. Let go of the idea of proving it was right or worth it. You are setting yourself up for failure. Trust where you are. You are there for a reason. Go with it. What's done is done at this point. Try to live happily ever after. Guilt for loving someone is wasted. He made a choice to leave his wife. Just live and love and keep following your heart where ever it takes you both. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
TrustedthenBusted Posted January 12, 2015 Share Posted January 12, 2015 I also wonder if ANY person just leaving a serious committed relationship or marriage should be dating ANYONE exclusively right away anyway. I have no real experience with this that I can recall, but if I left my wife tomorrow, I'd definitely want to enjoy my new found freedom a bit before getting right into something else heavy - affair or no affair. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted January 12, 2015 Share Posted January 12, 2015 He shouldn't be with either of you. He should be on his own for a while, getting on with the job of sorting himself out. By sorting himself out, I mean getting over his failed marriage, confronting why he betrayed his wife, and why he uses drugs. When it comes to ruined lives, be aware that your life is the next one to be ruined. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author redhead34 Posted January 12, 2015 Author Share Posted January 12, 2015 Did you really just say you need to make your relationship work in order to justify the awful behavior from which is spawned? Read that again. Because it's really crazy. In fact, the BEST outcome - if you are wanting the BS to feel some relief - would be for you to decide you don't want this guy. I assure you his ex wife would rather see you two fail, than succeed. Plus...you know.... eventually he's gonna cheat on you too. nothing will ever justify it, i obviously didn't word it well Link to post Share on other sites
Author redhead34 Posted January 12, 2015 Author Share Posted January 12, 2015 Affair fog is, once the honeymoon stage is over, reality hits. His sh.t stinks, just like everybody else. The behind closed doors, affair dynamic where things are good and fun, intense all change once the A is out in the open, even more so since he left his wife for you. Now it's the good, bad and the ugly, a real relationship that has flaws, not based on what goes on behind closed doors during an A. If you had to do it over again, would you still have an A with him? Are you in love with him and want to marry him someday, have children with him? IF yes, then work through it. If no, then you can walk away since you're not married or obligated to him. Is he living with you? I would not have an affair again if I could go back. Yes i do love him crazy i know but i do. Marriage and children not in the near future. No i wont live with him at the moment. thank you for explaining it makes sense Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted January 12, 2015 Share Posted January 12, 2015 I would not have an affair again if I could go back. Yes i do love him crazy i know but i do. Marriage and children not in the near future. No i wont live with him at the moment. thank you for explaining it makes sense That's the only encouraging thing you've said, so far. You don't owe his wife anything, except perhaps an apology. You had no contract or pact with her, but he did and he broke it. In my opinion that places his whole moral character in doubt. You said he feels no guilt, and again, that casts doubt on his character. Be very very careful what you do with this man, as you could end up in the same boat as his wife. Link to post Share on other sites
Author redhead34 Posted January 12, 2015 Author Share Posted January 12, 2015 Yeah, that's the we "have" to make this work or everyone will think we are nuts and all of it was for nothing. I remember feeling like that and it's an awful lot of pressure on a new relationship - not to mention feeling guilty and awful for destroying ppl's lives. I couldn't get passed it. My AP left her H and I left my wife (we are lesbians). There was no deception to either of our spouses. We loved each other and told our spouses immediately long before we became physical (both marriages 2 decades and totaling the Brady Bunch in kids). The fog is powerful. It tricks you into believing all kinds of crazy thoughts. Like; we were meant to be together and I never knew happiness before and all kinds of untruths about our spouses. While in the fog, we can't believe its just the fog. Some say the fog doesn't exist. It did for me. Once it started to lift, after leaving my family home for a few months, I could see things differently and ended my affair. So the all for nothing came true in my life (sort of). I think things happen for a reason. I think my XAP is living the life she wants to live and her H too. They were both gay living heterosexual lives. Now, they both have faced their truths and are with same sex partners. My wife and are repairing our marriage. It's been over a year now and it's getting better. I like the direction we are going in. Forgiving myself has been a lot of work. Sounds like you need to find a way to accept that it happened for a reason; his meeting you, you meeting him and his leaving his wife. No matter if your reslationship lasts, you will both have learned valuable lessons. Try not to focus on what others think of you and your relationship. That will kill it before you even get started. If you love him, love him. Let go of the idea of proving it was right or worth it. You are setting yourself up for failure. Trust where you are. You are there for a reason. Go with it. What's done is done at this point. Try to live happily ever after. Guilt for loving someone is wasted. He made a choice to leave his wife. Just live and love and keep following your heart where ever it takes you both. Thank you, thats exactly how i feel. I do love him very much but the guilt is over whelming. I do know its something i have to come to terms with. Link to post Share on other sites
Rainbowlove Posted January 12, 2015 Share Posted January 12, 2015 It's not about winning. Look, we are human. Sometimes we meet someone and fall in love; even when we shouldn't. It doesn't mean anyone is bad or good. Are you proud of the way you behaved? No. Can you change it now? No. What can you do? Talk through it. You are not the first person to find yourself in this situation. People have been leaving their lovers for someone else since the beginning of time. It happens. Is he divorcing his wife? Link to post Share on other sites
anika99 Posted January 12, 2015 Share Posted January 12, 2015 I feel as i helped ruin someones life i need to try to make it work otherwise ive behaved awfully for nothing. i thought i knew him but yes i didn't really also he doesn't feel any guilt which i can not understand I don't understand this reasoning. It's like you're saying it's okay to ruin someone's life and to behave horribly so long as it benefits you in the long run. Kind of like saying it's okay to hurt somebody by stealing from them so long as you get to keep the goods and reap the benefits. What you have already done and cannot undo should have no bearing on how you go forward. However if you are looking for forgiveness from the people you have hurt and lost then I would think ending this relationship would be more beneficial to you than desperately holding onto it and trying to make it work.. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted January 12, 2015 Share Posted January 12, 2015 (edited) Have you guys been together for only 5 months? Do you live together now? Is he divorced or just separated? Aside from guilt and the huge problem of him hiding things from you, what is right with the relationship? You say you love him, fine. But what are the concrete good aspects of your relationship? Do you have similar values? Do you want similar things out of life? Do you have good communication (doesn't seem like it based on him hiding things)? Do you trust him? Do you respect him? What are the things outside of feeling in love that you guys have, as feeling in love can be deceiving and doesn't mean a relationship will work out. If you've only been together for 5 months it is a new relationship and like all new relationships (and add it was an affair where you probably didn't have 5 months of openness) sometimes you find out after a few months that it won't work out. The thing is, in normal dating you don't have the pressure of forcing it if after 5 months it's not working but of course I get that you feel since you destroyed someone and everyone knows it's an affair you guys have to make it seem worth it. But, truth is, it's not worth it to pretend to be happy or pretend things are working if they aren't. It will not help you and you can't live your life just to prove things to other people (falsely at that). Things already went bad, it not working out won't really make it that much worse...people will eventually get over it but if you pretend to make things works you'll be the only one unhappy while other people are living their lives. Do you have any friends or at least one person to confide in? Talk to the guy you're with about your feelings. Lay it all on the table (if you feel awkward or can't that's probably a clue you aren't well suited and aren't that close). Discuss the pros and cons of the relationship, what you both want and what you think your next steps should be. If he is willing to be open and honest and work on things and so are you it may work, but if not, then you have to be okay with letting it go like you would any other guy you've been seeing for 5 months. He should have never left "for you" but because he's done with his relationship. But the A is tricky in that if you leave for someone they and you may feel like now you're required to be with this person at all cost which isn't how people approach normal dating. You date knowing it may or may not work and allow yourselves to see which it is without jumping into a ready-made permanent commitment. Don't get caught in that trap. Talk to him, think of things in context, accept that it's okay for it not to work and don't blame yourself. Yes you took part in the affair but him choosing to leave his wife is on him and if that was a foolish decision it was his foolish decision. You made your own not so wise choices too but you're not totally to blame for blowing up someone's life and you staying to make it work with him (if it isn't) isn't going to mend her life or help you either. Edited January 12, 2015 by MissBee 1 Link to post Share on other sites
harrybrown Posted January 12, 2015 Share Posted January 12, 2015 If you did want to help his ex, you could tell her about the A. (in writing or some anon email.) Hope he changes for you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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