Timshel Posted January 12, 2015 Share Posted January 12, 2015 He is on drugs. That's it. No more. There can't be an authentic relationship with this circumstance. Period. End of story. Feel no guilt, walk away...Nope, run. End, Finite, Done. You are an enabler if you stay. Close the door and run away. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted January 12, 2015 Share Posted January 12, 2015 I would not have an affair again if I could go back. Yes i do love him crazy i know but i do. Marriage and children not in the near future. No i wont live with him at the moment. thank you for explaining it makes sense So he is living on his own somewhere? Does he have kids to consider in all this? IF so, are you prepared now to be eventually be his kids step mom and have to deal with his ex wife forever? Does he wants (more) kids? Talk to him and tell him how you feel. Be honest and up front even if it's hard to do. Communication and being honest is the key here. Link to post Share on other sites
No Limit Posted January 12, 2015 Share Posted January 12, 2015 What is affair fog ? "Affair fog" is the state of mind people who participate in affairs are in. During the affair they love their affair partner more than anything, after all you spend the happiest times with them, far away from real life troubles. Most people continue with their delusions until the affair loses its appeal and just break up, others are lost so deeply in their fantasies that they sacrifice everything they have for it - only to find out that everything they imagined the other person to be was wrong. And when they hit this point, all of their real life is lost already; doesn't matter if its "just" friends or even family members who have all abandoned you because naturally they deem you an untrustworthy snake for taking part in an affair. Seeing how you wrote already that you lost most people that mattered to you I also hope for you that this works out - although the chances are low already since he's kept drug use a secret. At least the wife is safe now from him, which I honestly do thank you for. Even if she doesn't realize it, you saved her life. She might be one of those many women that can't break up with their partner because they're too weak, and this way the decision was made for her. She might feel like crap for a while, but eventually she'll meet someone who truly loves her. Thank you for your sacrifice. I hope the now ex-wife will use her new chance. Link to post Share on other sites
daisygirl19 Posted January 12, 2015 Share Posted January 12, 2015 I struggle with the same thing. The guilt is extremely hard to live with and there are times I have considered walking away in the hopes that it would alleviate the guilt for me. However, whether I stay and make this work or walk away, it won't undo my actions, so I'm not sure walking away would make me feel less guilty. My MM left his wife a year ago, moved out and filed for divorce, although the final divorce decree has not been issued (waiting period in our state). We are committed to making it work though and have started therapy to find ways to deal with our guilt. It's too soon to tell how successful we'll be, but we're both doing everything we can to make it happen. Good luck to you. I know how hard it is, but we put ourselves in this situation. Now we just need to find a way to get past it and give ourselves the best chance of success we can. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
daisygirl19 Posted January 12, 2015 Share Posted January 12, 2015 I didn't realize he was on drugs. That makes it a whole different ballgame for sure. Did you just find this out? If so, how did he hide it for so long? Link to post Share on other sites
scatterd Posted January 13, 2015 Share Posted January 13, 2015 I can understand you guilt but I bet the wife would be more happy to hear neither one of you ended up with him. He cheated on her to get you and he could later run into someone later on and leave you for her. He does drugs and has character flaws. I don't know if he had kids or not but that would be even worse. If I was you I would run while you can. You do not owe him anything. Also I bet if you called his wive she would tell you alot of things about him you probably would not like. She might of been close to done her self. Good luck 2 Link to post Share on other sites
GirlStillStrong Posted January 13, 2015 Share Posted January 13, 2015 Sorry but I do not subscribe to the "stealing someone's husband" thing. It's kind of hard to steal a person, especially if they are an adult. Last I looked, adults are responsible for their own behavior and their own decisions. Taking the blame for another person's behavior, especially when the other person is or may be an addict or alcoholic, is likely him (or them) scapegoating you, whether it is blatant or not. Many an addict runs away from a marriage. Quit blaming yourself. I advise you check out Al-Anon or at least read a book on codependence. I will say, though, that IMO it is flat out wrong to get involved with a MM with small children. And as for "affair fog," fine, I'll accept it exists. But to me it's no different from falling in love with anyone, married or not, and seeing the person and the relationship through rose-colored glasses. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
hoping2heal Posted January 13, 2015 Share Posted January 13, 2015 Good for your Redhead, good for you for still having your humanity. You did a crappy thing as you well know, but I'd think if you felt totally self-satisfied and not guilty that would be a bigger concern. Are you sure he left his wife and she didn't kick him out because she's sick of his BS? I know that in some cases husbands do leave their wives but wow after only 5 months together it seems like a surprise. Some people's MM haven't left after several years. I think yours might blow a bunch of the other MM's excuses out of the water lol. I don't know if the guy is recreationally using or has an addiction but if it's the latter, being his OW or feeling like you ruined a marriage is the least of your troubles. This guy probably has sneaky and deceitful behavior running through his bones. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted January 13, 2015 Share Posted January 13, 2015 I feel guilt too and mine didn't even leave his family and there was no Dday. I think it's normal. I once saw Leanne Rymes, who had an A and they ended up together crying in an interview while talking about it. It was guilt. She seems better now though and maybe has forgiven herself. Link to post Share on other sites
Author redhead34 Posted January 13, 2015 Author Share Posted January 13, 2015 Good for your Redhead, good for you for still having your humanity. You did a crappy thing as you well know, but I'd think if you felt totally self-satisfied and not guilty that would be a bigger concern. Are you sure he left his wife and she didn't kick him out because she's sick of his BS? I know that in some cases husbands do leave their wives but wow after only 5 months together it seems like a surprise. Some people's MM haven't left after several years. I think yours might blow a bunch of the other MM's excuses out of the water lol. I don't know if the guy is recreationally using or has an addiction but if it's the latter, being his OW or feeling like you ruined a marriage is the least of your troubles. This guy probably has sneaky and deceitful behavior running through his bones. its recreational use, still not something i like tho. he left his wife. She has been in contact with me so i know his version of events are true. I told him i was done and wouldn't live this life any more so he went home and told her then left Link to post Share on other sites
Author redhead34 Posted January 13, 2015 Author Share Posted January 13, 2015 I didn't realize he was on drugs. That makes it a whole different ballgame for sure. Did you just find this out? If so, how did he hide it for so long? I feel stupid but id never noticed, drugs have never been a part of my life i didn't know what to look for and wasn't aware of it so wasn't looking. 2 weeks ago i was doing washing and put some stuff he had left at mine in, found it in his trousers. I told him i dont like it i wasn't aware he done it and never bring stuff in my home again, he said its something he does occasionally with friends and wont do it again if i really dont like it. Fast forward to this week and an exact occasion happened again. I am seeing him tonight so will talk about it then to him Link to post Share on other sites
mammasita Posted January 13, 2015 Share Posted January 13, 2015 Are you sure his wife didn't kick him to the curb and you just happened to be the crutch because he didn't want to be alone? Link to post Share on other sites
Author redhead34 Posted January 13, 2015 Author Share Posted January 13, 2015 Are you sure his wife didn't kick him to the curb and you just happened to be the crutch because he didn't want to be alone? No i know he left, his wife has confronted me a few times 1 Link to post Share on other sites
hoping2heal Posted January 13, 2015 Share Posted January 13, 2015 its recreational use, still not something i like tho. he left his wife. She has been in contact with me so i know his version of events are true. I told him i was done and wouldn't live this life any more so he went home and told her then left OK, well in that case...as I said your MM just blew the **** ton of excuses many other MM have given for not leaving and having some of these women hanging on the line for YEARS If you feel guilty about what you did, I don't know that you're ever really going to enjoy it. I mean, if I cheated my entire course load in order to graduate...would I ever really feel good about my degree? If I had a really nice beach house, but I had to swindle others by selling them a bunch of counterfeit merchandise...would I ever really be all that happy with the house? Ya know? Is it really something you want to get to, a place in life where you have something because you gained it by being deceitful and you're perfectly OK with that? So, I don't know...I don't think you should stay when you want to because you feel like it's not your lot in life to make something out of this. As another poster said..when his **** starts stinking...and it will soon. Link to post Share on other sites
regine_phalange Posted January 13, 2015 Share Posted January 13, 2015 Hi first time poster. I was having an affair with a married man for 5 months he left his wife 6 months ago, we have been together since. The problem - awful awful guilt, i can't really believe i have behaved how i have. Has anyone else been in this situation? How did you deal with it? I have lost most of the people who matter to me. He gets upto some things which he kept from me. I really want to make this work otherwise i have destroyed someone for nothing. We really do genuinely love each other but it is so hard. Someone ruined his engagement for me. Well, he hadn't told me he was engaged, just that he had a girlfriend and he broke up with her when he met me. I found out about the engagement after we broke up. The problem was that in every fight (and we fought almost daily *cringe*) he was repeating that he broke up with his ex for me and look how I'm treating him. He thought that I owed him because he left a woman who was like family to him to go after something he thought as more exciting. So I think that you are in a vulnerable position, he could accuse you for his unhappiness (even if you are not the reason for it). And in your case you wouldn't be able to say anything since you knew he was married. About the guilt, I don't know if you can do something about it. It never goes away I think. The man of a family I know left his wife and their 2 daughters for another woman. Well, now they are all like a big family, the man, the ex wife, the current wife, the daughters, and the kid he has with the current wife (the ex wife adores the kid). The current wife is still asking for forgiveness from the ex wife, crying and all. Because the ex wife is a very decent woman, with a lot of dignity. And the current wife feels like a very s**tty person because of it. She knows that her happiness comes from 3 unhappy people who are very nice. And everyone with a bit of a heart inside of them would feel that awful guilt. Link to post Share on other sites
Rainbowlove Posted January 13, 2015 Share Posted January 13, 2015 he was repeating that he broke up with his ex for me and look how I'm treating him. He thought that I owed him because he left a woman who was like family to him This is a big one. I heard a similar story over and over again when I left my wife and my XAP left her husband. She always would say...you never gave up as much as me (husband made more money than my wife, she had five kids to my one). It was like she one up'd me all the time. She sacrificed more to be with me than I did with her. I knew I was always going to hear that from her and her bitterness and anger would get worse as time went on. It was as if she was blaming me for her choosing to end her marriage. It's no way to be with someone. That's when my eyes slowly started to open...and I went back home after moving out. Marriages aren't over until there's signed divorce papers. Keep your eyes open... Link to post Share on other sites
Author redhead34 Posted January 13, 2015 Author Share Posted January 13, 2015 Someone ruined his engagement for me. Well, he hadn't told me he was engaged, just that he had a girlfriend and he broke up with her when he met me. I found out about the engagement after we broke up. The problem was that in every fight (and we fought almost daily *cringe*) he was repeating that he broke up with his ex for me and look how I'm treating him. He thought that I owed him because he left a woman who was like family to him to go after something he thought as more exciting. So I think that you are in a vulnerable position, he could accuse you for his unhappiness (even if you are not the reason for it). And in your case you wouldn't be able to say anything since you knew he was married. About the guilt, I don't know if you can do something about it. It never goes away I think. The man of a family I know left his wife and their 2 daughters for another woman. Well, now they are all like a big family, the man, the ex wife, the current wife, the daughters, and the kid he has with the current wife (the ex wife adores the kid). The current wife is still asking for forgiveness from the ex wife, crying and all. Because the ex wife is a very decent woman, with a lot of dignity. And the current wife feels like a very s**tty person because of it. She knows that her happiness comes from 3 unhappy people who are very nice. And everyone with a bit of a heart inside of them would feel that awful guilt. He has said to me in a row that he gave up everything for me Link to post Share on other sites
Rainbowlove Posted January 13, 2015 Share Posted January 13, 2015 He has said to me in a row that he gave up everything for me The key word here is HE. It was his choice to give whatever up he chose to...that's on him not you. You did not have a gun to his head. He's a grown man - made his choice and now must live with that - even if your relationship doesn't last. He can't blame you, but that's exactly what happens.... 3 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted January 13, 2015 Share Posted January 13, 2015 He has said to me in a row that he gave up everything for me That may or may not be true, but you are not actually obligated to him in any way. He is a grown man, he has to take responsibility for his own actions. It was HIS marriage to wreck, he made the choice to see you originally, he was cheating. He chose to leave his wife. You took him in at face value, if he, as a drug user is not the man he appeared to be, then you have every right to end the relationship. YOU are not bound to him. Now, you are two people in a relationship like any other. Things are good and happy you stay together, things are bad and unhappy you break up, simple. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted January 13, 2015 Share Posted January 13, 2015 He has said to me in a row that he gave up everything for me And with that you should have said, "If you still have feelings for your wife and want to be married to her, then go. I won't stop you. I don't want you with me unless you're done with your life/wife/marriage. Really if you weren't in his life, he wouldn't ever have left, he'd still be married. I've said it, others have said it - for him to leave for you is unhealthy. Now you do have all the pressure on you because he guilted you. Saying he gave up everything, he now expects you to put up with him and his drug habit, and whatever other stuff he does you don't like. he said its something he does occasionally with friends and wont do it again if i really dont like it. Fast forward to this week and an exact occasion happened again. I am seeing him tonight so will talk about it then to him He is a drug user. Drug users lie. Get used to it. Maybe now you see he's not the prize you thought he was. You've not known him long, way less than a year. Link to post Share on other sites
Bartlett67 Posted January 13, 2015 Share Posted January 13, 2015 I feel as i helped ruin someones life i need to try to make it work otherwise ive behaved awfully for nothing. i thought i knew him but yes i didn't really also he doesn't feel any guilt which i can not understand Good for him. He won't feel remorse when he does it to you, either. You've seen how he'll lie and manipulate. Your turn is likely coming. Learn to suck it up. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
scatterd Posted January 13, 2015 Share Posted January 13, 2015 what did he mean he gave everything up for you.Later when he finds someone else he will say the same to her.How much is he going to loose when his wife is done with him. Does he have much? Link to post Share on other sites
GirlStillStrong Posted January 14, 2015 Share Posted January 14, 2015 He has said to me in a row that he gave up everything for me Sure he did (sarcasm). What does he want, a trophy? You're dealing with a control issue here. He has a pretty sick way of relating. More will be revealed. Link to post Share on other sites
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