Moving on and dealing with it

[Jennstars]

I left my husband 5 months ago. It was a difficult break up because he did not see it coming. I felt emotionally unavailable to him and was just not happy anymore (I feel that 10 years of taking the reigns in our relationship took it's till on me) anyway. I have moved on to find a man who has so many things in common with me. He is a man and a provider and I am really happy to have that in my life.

However lately I have been having dreams about my x husband where he is with another woman (not sexually) but dating and in the dream I am upset and get really physical with the woman to chase her away. I wake up disturbed and confused because I am not attracted to him anymore. His parents usually appear in the dream too.

 

What is going on?

Anyone else having/ had this?

 

Any words of wisdom?

[Clay]

It sounds like you have not allowed yourself the time to heal from your marriage. 10 years is a long time. You may think you don't have feelings for your xH anymore but it sounds like you do.

 

You might want to back off on the new guy until you get this figured out. I am not saying stop the relationship but the last thing you want to do is hurt the new guy while your trying to deal with things from the past.

 

Clay

[towardthefuture]

As someone who's girlfriend of 8 years left him out of the blue for another man, I think you should split off your current relationship and try to work things out with your ex husband.

 

I may be projecting.

[whichwayisup]

You may not want your husband to move on and find someone else that way if things don't work out with the guy you're with now you can go back to your husband.

 

Let me ask, how much of what you feel towards your H when you left had to do with the guy you're with now? Did you and your H even go to marriage counseling to fix things, give it your best before walking away? Seems like you could be regretting what you once had and miss the life you shared with him too.

[Ralph79]

Completely wild unsubstantiated theory here but, here goes:

 

Could it be that part of you feels at fault for the rift between you and your X, more than you would openly care to admit to yourself?

 

Maybe you are starting to notices tiny resemblances between both relationships and that scares you?

 

Perhaps you are scared that over the course of time you might inadvertendly turn this guy into your eX, and feel that rift again.

 

What you are dreaming could be seeing yourself dating your husband, and what are are trying to fight off is that old you. You don't want that person that cared about him to exist within yourself. The parent issue, I have no clue, I have way too little info to come up with a theory about them.

 

Anyways, just me coming up with something crazy.

[Jennstars]

You may not want your husband to move on and find someone else that way if things don't work out with the guy you're with now you can go back to your husband.

 

Let me ask, how much of what you feel towards your H when you left had to do with the guy you're with now? Did you and your H even go to marriage counseling to fix things, give it your best before walking away? Seems like you could be regretting what you once had and miss the life you shared with him too.

 

Thanx for ur reply

I am in no way attracted to my xhusband. I did try 8 months before when I started feeling like things were weakening. He didn't pull his weight, I asked for romance and wooing. I tried to spice things up the way I know how he liked it but I didn't feel complete. I told him that I wanted out. He suggested marriage counseling and I agreed to the marriage counseling which eventually turned into counseling through seporation. The therapist said that he could tell I had already made my mind up and my xh needed to now accept it.

[Jennstars]

Completely wild unsubstantiated theory here but, here goes:

 

Could it be that part of you feels at fault for the rift between you and your X, more than you would openly care to admit to yourself?

 

Maybe you are starting to notices tiny resemblances between both relationships and that scares you?

 

Perhaps you are scared that over the course of time you might inadvertendly turn this guy into your eX, and feel that rift again.

 

What you are dreaming could be seeing yourself dating your husband, and what are are trying to fight off is that old you. You don't want that person that cared about him to exist within yourself. The parent issue, I have no clue, I have way too little info to come up with a theory about them.

 

Anyways, just me coming up with something crazy.

 

I know it's my fault! I fell out of love with the guy.

There are no similarities between my xh and my bf. they are completely different. My bf and I share a lot of things in common. My xh is fussy with food, my bf isn't, my xh worked on a computer all day, my bf Works in his own business building.... They are polar opposites.

I was young when I married and always thought opposites attract but infact I think it drove my xh and I apart.

 

I do feel that I relate to ur explanation more. I'm doing stuff I haven't done and I am in love with my new life and self. But these dreams jus create guilt and upset me.

[Ralph79]

I'm sad to say I can relate to your x-husband. I reacted the same way when my XW left me and in hindsight, I should have let her go sooner. Circumstances were different. She was young but had a severe personality disorder. Mix that up with my insecurity issues and it was a recipe for disaster.

 

Now , this is not your fault alone though. Maybe some personality traits you weren't aware off came afloat once you both settled into marriage, and little by little they outweighed the qualities that made you fall in love with him. Maybe you two could have communicated better, or done something different.

 

However the important thing is , what's done is done. That relationship is dead. And both you and him are better off for it. This turned toxic for both of you (I read your other post). You ended up doing him a huge favor. He needs to hit rock bottom in order to pick himself up. And it's obvious he can't do that with you anymore. I applaud your braveness in taking action.

 

That being said, you should have taken more time to settle your feelings down after that ordeal. Running into a relationship in merely 5 months after a 10 year commitment to another could translate into unwanted baggage which you may inadvertendly be experiencing through your dreams.

 

I wouldn't recommend you work out things with your eX after reading your other posts. And the best thing you can do for him is to NOT contact him anymore. He needs a clean break from that as much as you do.

 

Even the counselor admitted as much. He'll get better. He'll start anew and he will be happy again. So don't fret about him. You two were a necessary event in both of your lives, you both will be better people for it, and in the end you BOTH will be more appreciative in new relationships to come.

[Jennstars]

I'm sad to say I can relate to your x-husband. I reacted the same way when my XW left me and in hindsight, I should have let her go sooner. Circumstances were different. She was young but had a severe personality disorder. Mix that up with my insecurity issues and it was a recipe for disaster.

 

Now , this is not your fault alone though. Maybe some personality traits you weren't aware off came afloat once you both settled into marriage, and little by little they outweighed the qualities that made you fall in love with him. Maybe you two could have communicated better, or done something different.

 

However the important thing is , what's done is done. That relationship is dead. And both you and him are better off for it. This turned toxic for both of you (I read your other post). You ended up doing him a huge favor. He needs to hit rock bottom in order to pick himself up. And it's obvious he can't do that with you anymore. I applaud your braveness in taking action.

 

That being said, you should have taken more time to settle your feelings down after that ordeal. Running into a relationship in merely 5 months after a 10 year commitment to another could translate into unwanted baggage which you may inadvertendly be experiencing through your dreams.

 

I wouldn't recommend you work out things with your eX after reading your other posts. And the best thing you can do for him is to NOT contact him anymore. He needs a clean break from that as much as you do.

 

Even the counselor admitted as much. He'll get better. He'll start anew and he will be happy again. So don't fret about him. You two were a necessary event in both of your lives, you both will be better people for it, and in the end you BOTH will be more appreciative in new relationships to come.

 

Thank you for ur insight. We unfortunately cannot cut ties completely because we have two children. Which is another challenge all together. My eldest is going to counseling for support.

[DKT3]

What role did your BF play in you leaving the marriage. I'm not your husband so you can be honest. Its seems pretty clear this was a relationship that was on going before hand. Maybe I'm wrong, but I doubt it.

 

I believe your dream is coming from fear and not guilt, the fear of your husband no longer being an option. Maybe you don't want him, but having him want you maybe doesn't hurt, right?

 

In real life, how do you think you will feel when he gets seriously involved with another woman? I'm guessing you will struggle with it.

 

Maybe you feel him gaining some emotional distance.

 

Bottom line, I think you understand your losing him as an option, and its being manfested through your dreams.

[Ralph79]

Thank you for ur insight. We unfortunately cannot cut ties completely because we have two children. Which is another challenge all together. My eldest is going to counseling for support.

 

You are welcome. I meant no contact in the "how are you coping?" sense. You seem to have enough guilt built up where it might drive you to still feel concern for him in a moment of weakness. But yeah my main point is, once again, you reached a point where you could no longer live that life and you did what you had to do.

 

He will reach that point to, and he will fix his life as well. Your main focus is now yourself and your kids.

[Jennstars]

What role did your BF play in you leaving the marriage. I'm not your husband so you can be honest. Its seems pretty clear this was a relationship that was on going before hand. Maybe I'm wrong, but I doubt it.

 

I believe your dream is coming from fear and not guilt, the fear of your husband no longer being an option. Maybe you don't want him, but having him want you maybe doesn't hurt, right?

 

In real life, how do you think you will feel when he gets seriously involved with another woman? I'm guessing you will struggle with it.

 

Maybe you feel him gaining some emotional distance.

 

Bottom line, I think you understand your losing him as an option, and its being manfested through your dreams.

 

The bf had no role. We only met recently. I didn't even know he existed.

 

Yes maybe I will be upset when he moves on but I don't know. Perhaps he has and he hasn't told me...

[toolforgrowth]

I think you instinctively picked up on the fact that he was probably just as unhappy with you as you were with him. The idea of him finding happiness with someone else is an ego bruiser, regardless of the fact that you left him.

 

For example, my xWW recently remarried. I'm totally okay with this (better him than me) and I wish her well. I was single for a year and a half while they courted, moved in together, got engaged, etc. Well, now I have a GF. And my xWW has behaved very differently since she found out. I keep her at a large distance, but we are cordial. Her texts usually have smiley faces in them, etc. Well, ever since she found out about my GF, she has been rather colder. Don't bother me none, I'm happy and life is good. But even though she's the one who cheated and left, the thought of me being with someone else still bothers her three years later.

 

It's bruised her ego, along with the fact that her remarrying means nothing to me.

 

It's quite irrational, but also completely human.

[Jennstars]

I think you instinctively picked up on the fact that he was probably just as unhappy with you as you were with him. The idea of him finding happiness with someone else is an ego bruiser, regardless of the fact that you left him.

 

For example, my xWW recently remarried. I'm totally okay with this (better him than me) and I wish her well. I was single for a year and a half while they courted, moved in together, got engaged, etc. Well, now I have a GF. And my xWW has behaved very differently since she found out. I keep her at a large distance, but we are cordial. Her texts usually have smiley faces in them, etc. Well, ever since she found out about my GF, she has been rather colder. Don't bother me none, I'm happy and life is good. But even though she's the one who cheated and left, the thought of me being with someone else still bothers her three years later.

 

It's bruised her ego, along with the fact that her remarrying means nothing to me.

 

It's quite irrational, but also completely human.

 

Well I don't know that he is quite over me because he had a few cry sessions on the phone when he calls.

 

I guess it is an ego thing. But unconsciously because if like to say that I am ok with him moving on. I wouldn't go back to him because of the way I have changed, the person I have become is different I what I was with him and I am happier for it.

 

I have a tremendous amount of guilt though. We were meant to be together forever.

 

My bf is supportive and is helping through this as I have no family or close friends nearby for support.

[Ralph79]

In an attempt to determine the source of your guilt, I'd like to ask you a few quick questions, that I hope you take time to reflect and answer honestly.

 

1) If your ex-H were to have a life-altering event... let's say he has decided to take up computer programming (You said he spent all day in a computer so I'm trying to relate). Through this, he has found a passion for work. He develops an app or some software that sells a ton, gets great reviews, and is widely recognized for his work. He's not only rich and dedicated to his job, but loves what he does. If he were to tell you he wishes you the best with your new life and that the only thing he regrets was not having this happen to him sooner so that you could be a part of it ...

 

Would you entertain the idea giving him a chance under those circumstances, when he's not even asking for one?

 

2) Picture your life with your BF. Imagine a wonderful Valentine's Day. A Great Summer. You spend the Holiday's with his family . Things couldn't have gone more perfectly. You would have been with him 1.5 years by then. Put yourself in the moment where he asks you to marry him.

 

What would be going through your mind. ?

[BlueIris]

Maybe his being with another woman would be “final” to you, that the marriage is really over and you’re processing the finality of the intimate ties.

[towardthefuture]

Here's what I think is going on. And this is all from reading the book 'Uncoupling' and a bunch of threads of these forums. Take it with a grain of salt it's probably total BS.

 

Now that you are 'free' from you ex husband you are starting to be able to see him again as a human being instead of a prison warden, and your internal psychology is releasing its grasp on your narrative that associates him entirely with negative traits (no one is entirely negative or entirely positive). You probably also are starting to feel the guilt in a real way -- your 'It's not you it's me, it's my fault' was clearly a rationalization. Everyone knows 'It's not you it's me" means "It's you". Stating that as your reason unprovoked is revealing that you blame him for that failure of the marriage, but also want sympathy. You are probably starting to actually realize it's at least partially your fault. Finally, you are probably starting to realize, or be afraid, that you really 'lost' him.

 

It's possible he's reached the point of uncoupling as well and that while you slowly transition into seeing him as a whole person, with positive and negative traits, he has transitioned into his phase of seeing you in an entirely negative light and is searching for an exit from ever having to see you again. You might subconsciously feel this happening purely because of your bond.

 

It's also clear that what your BF is to you is what is called a transitional relationship. You're using him for comparisons and as a support system for your breakup. In other words, this relationship is not a healthy relationship either -- it's a mechanism of your uncoupling. Your ex husband's ghost is a third partner in this relationship as many instances are probably fueling conscious or subconscious comparisons.

 

What is likely to happen, based on what I've read, is that you will eventually be dumped by the transitional person or dump that person yourself when the transition (the basis for the relationship on your end) is done. Sometimes these things work out, if by pure chance you're genuinely compatible -- but not usually. At that point, if your ex has improved his life, or if you feel vulnerable enough, you will try to get him back and he is likely to say no if he has finished the uncoupling process. At which point your 'transition' will finally be complete -- you will be alone, starting over, knowing that going back is not at all possible. Which is ultimately what you wanted, right?

 

You may come to realize over time that there are actions you probably took in 'grooming' your ex husband to be weak and unattractive and, since you haven't gone through any process of introspection since you instigated the breakup, you are likely to take those problems into your next real relationship. You may have pressured him to make sacrifices for you, took care of him without setting boundaries or being direct about what you find acceptable, domesticated him to make him unattractive to other women, and a series of other things that women tend to do in relationships. In other words you may have defeated your own marriage and not even seen it -- if his life is improved after you left, he may come to these realizations much sooner than you, since you won't see them until you're 8 years into your next 10 year relationship and getting ready to jump ship again.

Edited January 14, 2015 by towardthefuture

[toolforgrowth]

Everything towardthefuture said is spot on. Pay very close attention to that post.