Wife moved out; we were getting along better, then things changed. Help!

[alone50975]

Hi everyone. I have reading many of the posts on this site and was particularly inspired by Day.One. With that said, let me go into my situation and maybe get some opinions on what I should do. Some background first.

 

 

I have been married for 19 years and as of last June, 2014, my wife decided to move out. Prior to that, although we lived in the same house, she had been sleeping on the couch for the past 18 months prior. There were many reasons for that. Her initial reason was that because I smoked, she didn't want to continue sleeping next to someone that smelled like me. A couple of months after that, I quit for a year, and there was no change in her stance. She also said that I was unaffectionate and did not care to have her around or want to be around her. A lot of that was true. Things like life, the kids, money, my thoughts of there has to be something better all played a part. Even though she had some issues, I will not go too much into those. Suffice it to say, I created my own hell.

So after she moved out, we actually started getting along better than we had in years. Everything was going well, keeping busy with work and the kids, we have shared custody and I keep them for half the week and every other weekend.

In December, she asked me over to look at her laptop (I work in IT) and asked me to see what was wrong. While doing that, she had left her email page open and I came across an Email. Basically, she had been seeing one of best friends husband. A couple of days later, I confronted her about it, and of course she went ballistic saying I had no right and that we were separated. She told me not to tell her friend. I agreed. I discovered going to our joint phone records that she had been talking to this guy at least 4 to 5 times a day. Even after I discovered the email, it was still going on. Prior to this, I was texting her about possibly reconciling. I had been alone for a lone time, and the holidays hit me devastatingly hard. When I asked her about, all she would say is that they were just good friends and both were going through similar things. And that there others. At that point I was fuming with jealousy. How fast she had moved on and I was still alone.

I kept asking if we were still a possibility but her responses were cold and short. Seeing that I had no future with her, I contacted and her friend and let her know and sent her a copy of the email.

Of course, all hell broke loose (this past weekend). In the meantime, I had asked one of my wife's friend if she had any clue about any of this and she said she was surprised that I didn't know. She also mentioned that there others.

She come over to my place and read me the riot act. During that conversation, she told about going to see her cousin at the beach (Which she had mentioned before that she was doing.). She told me that she had gone down but was not were I would of assumed she would be. She was of course with one of the men she had met. Then she told me that about 15 years ago, she was involved with a guy (non physical).

That is the bulk of the story that's unfolded in the past 2 weeks. Some say ignorance is bliss, and at times, I wish it were true. If I hadn't of found that email, I don't know, maybe we could of at least been on the road to fixing us, but maybe not. Of course, she told me that any chance we had is gone and is filing the divorce papers now.

With that being said, I know I made many mistakes and still love her madly. I don't know if what she did could be considered infidelity since we had been 'separated' for a considerable while. I am jealous, hurt that she has been with multiple partners, etc.

In your opinion, is it worth even trying? Or is she too far gone and my thoughts on other men being with her will always be there. She is a great mother and provider.

I have never been good at being a 'player' so to say that for me has been impossibly hard to get back out there and start working on the next chapter of my life is an understatement.

Do you think she is playing the field hard just to hide the pain and not have to think about what has happened?

 

 

Thank you everyone.

[KBarletta]

In my opinion, you finding the e-mail was a stroke of luck. Had you not, you may have reconciled and her affairs likely would have continued for you to discover down the road.

 

I would say that you dodged a bullet. Yes, you still love her, but consider how she has treated you: Cheating, lying, etc. As yourself, can you move on from that and not be afraid that it would happen again? Can you trust her completely?

 

Besides those questions, she appears to have checked out anyway, so it may not even be up to you. Regardless, I would detach from her COMPLETELY and focus on yourself and your relationship with your kids. Let that be the only contact you have with her, and allow her to see the consequences of not having you in her life.

[pteromom]

What I don't see here is any real effort or intent on her part to reconcile. Affairs and drama aside, it doesn't seem that reconciliation is your choice in the first place.

 

I would move on.

[alone50975]

Thanks for the quick replies. As an addendum to the story, Yesterday I suggested that we go to marriage counseling. She agreed. After she did that, I asked to at least stop seeing other while we go through the process. As you can imagine, her response is why would I do that? What if it doesn't work out? As if to say, I am not putting my current life on hold for this.

 

 

I am wondering if the 'reasons' I do want to get her back is not so much to rebuild, but to at least have something familiar there. Seven months of coming home to an empty house (except when I have the kids) has definitely taken a toll on me.

[towardthefuture]

Thanks for the quick replies. As an addendum to the story, Yesterday I suggested that we go to marriage counseling. She agreed. After she did that, I asked to at least stop seeing other while we go through the process. As you can imagine, her response is why would I do that? What if it doesn't work out? As if to say, I am not putting my current life on hold for this.

 

 

I am wondering if the 'reasons' I do want to get her back is not so much to rebuild, but to at least have something familiar there. Seven months of coming home to an empty house (except when I have the kids) has definitely taken a toll on me.

 

I don't know your situation, but having recently read a book called "Uncoupling", one of the things they say in the book is that a checked out partner will agree to counseling as a way to convince her partner that the marriage is unsaveable by convincing a third party that it is unsaveable so that it can not only be 2v1 but appear objective. So I'd be careful with that. If I were you I'd start checking out yourself. It strikes me as extremely disrespectful that she won't stop seeing married men behind your back to work on your marriage. That doesn't seem like a good sign.

[elaine567]

I guess her affair started around the time she started sleeping on the couch.

She cannot be taking the MC very seriously if she stll wants to see other men.

 

She probably only agreed to go to MC with you to take the heat off herself.

[lil hoodlum]

She claimed that since you exposed her affair she said any chance of reconcilation is gone. That is total BS. She made sure to burn that bridge a long time ago.

 

If she finds having affairs with married men fullfilling, then leave her to it.

[No Limit]

You wasted 19 years with a serial cheater. Thank whatever divine entity you believe in for finding that mail, or else you would have been with that snake for another few years. Divorce and make a party when it's finalized.

[Mcnulty]

She cheated on her friend with this guy and you want her back? WTF? She has zero loyalty and little moral compass, bat her into the ether.

[Deidre]

She sounds highly manipulative. Are you familiar with narcissistic personality disorder? You should look into it, if you haven't already. She has a LOT of the traits...which are: pathological lying, cheating, manipulating, no empathy, lack of boundaries, meanness, coldness, etc...

 

 

I say you struck gold when you found that email. The only way to deal with someone like this is no contact, but since you have kids...only communicate when it comes to the kids. She will manipulate you through the kids, so make sure you set firm boundaries for yourself and them, when they are with you.

 

 

Just wait until you find someone new to love...she will come unglued. They don't want their exes, but they don't want anyone else to have them, either. I've dated a few of these types...and the break ups are worse than the relationships. lol So, hang on tight, and just stay true to yourself.

 

 

You will get through this! And you will be far better off.