Separating/Divorcing after 15 years....sorry long vent

[DoberMan]

Where to begin? I'm a 42 y.o. male and my 41 y.o. wife and I are going to split after 15 years of marriage. (Almost to the day.) I have not been happy in years. I know she's not happy either and things have snowballed because neither one gives a crap anymore. Ex. She doesn't bother getting dressed up. This past weekend, she bathed once. We've discussed what we want from out relationship before. We try to change, but that doesn't last for long. We have never gotten professional counseling, but we are past caring.

 

The end was near when she was seeking a job out of state. It's what she THINKS is her dream job. She's in the medical field and has always had a private practice. The job she was interviewing for does not have an opening in our state so she was applying in the state she grew up in. It's a semi-high profile, high paying job. Technically it's 9-5, but she's going to be in for a shocker. They don't pay you mid-100Ks to put in 8 hours a day.

 

At the time, I didn't stop her from looking (like I could anyway) because it was a long shot. I also didn't want to be the person she blames for keeping her from achieving her "dreams". What do ya know, she got the job.

 

She's a go getter and have gotten us into a ton of complicated financial situations. 2 years ago, she had me quit a job I worked for less than a year because she wanted to open a dessert shop. I was the one stuck running the shop and was working 110 hour weeks. All the profits is being used to run her unprofitable dental practice. So now, she going to go halfway across the country to try something else, and I'm stuck running my business and salvaging hers.

 

For me, this was the last straw. I can't remember when I was last happy. Years of unhappiness has me at the point where I really don't care anymore. I was watching a trailer for a movie and heard a line that was like, "That smile on my face...it's just a smile, I'm dead on the inside." <---that was me!!! In the back of my mind, I was letting this job make the decision for me. I told her I was not moving and that I would be moving on with my life if she was going to take the job. I think she was kind of shocked when I said that. Maybe she didn't think I had the guts to do that feeling she was my meal ticket because she's a "dentist". She could feel this way if she actually ran a successful one. We've always been neck up in debt because of her practice.

 

I let her think about it for a few days while she decided. Well, she decided and she's going to take this job. She's going to take the 4 kids (from 4-9 yo.) after the school year is done. I don't want to fight her for custody even though she's not going to have any time for them. She will learn soon enough. She would be a better mom to them than I would as a dad anyway, so I'm at peace with this. It didn't help my relationship with the kids when I was putting in 110 hour weeks for a year. While I busted my @ss, she took them to swimming class, martial arts, Chuck E' Cheese....eating out, etc. Gee, I wonder why they're so attached to mom?

 

I was surprised when she accused me of not being more supportive of her taking this job. 15 years of helping her chase her dreams and going into insane amounts of debt and risking bankruptcy isn't supportive enough. What's f-ed up is that she doesn't even see it that way....more that I was along for the ride.

 

I'll be honest. I am far from perfect. She does a lot to make my life easy. She never fails to remind me that no other girl would take care of me like she does. So basically because she does, I should be happy and content and not demand anything else. I've told her, although she's probably right that she does a good job handling my administrative chores, that's not what I'm looking for in a wife. Told her straight up, "I don't want a business partner, I want a wife who actually loves me." Funny thing is she brought up how the Clintons make it work with their dysfunctional relationship and we can't. I told her it's because they're leaches off each other. In hindsight, it's always been like this. Her parents are divorced also, and she's just like her father. Their love and heart is for $$$$$$$$.

 

Chicken before the egg? Maybe this is a byproduct of the unhappiness in the marriage, but sex has always been a negotiation point. If I don't jump when I'm told, I don't get any. When we do get it on, it's a wham bam thank you m'am deal. We don't make love, we f-ck. It's not even that good. Often times, it feels better doing it manually. We haven't kissed-kissed in probably a decade. I swear part of the reason we're still together is #1 the kids, and #2 she know's I'll be happy with someone else.

 

I've always lived by the motto that "life's too short". Is something wrong with me for being ok with this and not doing more to salvage the marriage? I flip from being happy with my decision and from guilt that I'm not putting up a bigger fight for the kids. I also feel bad what they're going to go through. The situation now is amicable, but the way she is, she's going to go berzerk the first girl she sees me date.

 

Thanks for hearing me out.

[Ralph79]

Quick questions:

 

1. Have either of you cheated on each other?

2. What's been the reason preventing you from getting pro counseling?

3. Can you get a job that sustains your family at a luxury level she's used to?

4. Maybe if you prove to her she doesn't need to do your administrative chores things will change. Maybe you can do a better job at taking care of yourself and thus be in a better position to demand she be more attentive to your emotional needs. Has this crossed your mind?

 

Now, quick tips before you reply with this info is

 

Try and worry a little more about yourself than weather or not she fails. Correct me if I'm wrong, but it seems to me you feel emasculated on the financial front. And you are fed up with that. If that's the case, focus on whatever you need to do on your end to turn the tide.

Edited January 13, 2015 by Ralph79
spelling.

[DoberMan]

Quick questions:

 

1. Have either of you cheated on each other?

---I've never cheated on her. I'm pretty certain she's never cheated on me. There's actually never any time to.

 

2. What's been the reason preventing you from getting pro counseling?

---We just never have. We've had our fights but things kinda blew over. We never bothered looking into it.

 

3. Can you get a job that sustains your family at a luxury level she's used to?

---My dessert shop makes more than her dental office. My shop has actually be supporting her business financially.

 

4. Maybe if you prove to her she doesn't need to do your administrative chores things will change. Maybe you can do a better job at taking care of yourself and thus be in a better position to demand she be more attentive to your emotional needs. Has this crossed your mind?

---It has and I have, but I'm at fault here. Our relationship has always been where she handles the bookkeeping, bill paying, investing, etc. The chores...it's my fault.

 

 

Now, quick tips before you reply with this info is

 

Try and worry a little more about yourself than weather or not she fails. Correct me if I'm wrong, but it seems to me you feel emasculated on the financial front. And you are fed up with that. If that's the case, focus on whatever you need to do on your end to turn the tide.

---I've just been complacent. I am guilt ridden for the kids at this point.

 

Thanks for the reply.

[Ralph79]

Ok with the info you have given me, I'll try and make a few observations here that you might not like, and some that might bring you comfort:

 

"We have never gotten professional counseling, but we are past caring. "

You have NO IDEA how helpful a counselor can really be if you both want to save this marriage. You owe it to yourself, to her and to your kids to seek one before you make a decision. These are experts in the field that can make you and/or her aware of bad patterns of behavior. You invested 15 years in this marriage and a lot of life energy. Trust me, it's worth giving it a try. You'll be surprised.

 

"---My dessert shop makes more than her dental office. My shop has actually be supporting her business financially."

You mean the Dessert Shop she opened up? I mean, I have to applaud her initiative for trying to make things better financially. It beats having an xW that doesn't want to study, work, cook, clean, etc. And kudos to you for supporting her ideas all this time. But if you're going to have a bad attitude about it, then don't commit yourself to them. Agree to things only if you are both 100% into them. It's not like you gave up on a lifetime job. You had just worked there for less than a year. And you are doing a job that provides good money from what I can tell. She is entitled to make mistakes man, we're not perfect, but at least she's trying different ideas to make things better. After all it did end up being a good idea in the end (the dessert shop).

 

"---It has and I have, but I'm at fault here. Our relationship has always been where she handles the bookkeeping, bill paying, investing, etc. The chores...it's my fault."

Ok. The good news is that you are willing to admit your fault in this issue. But take advantage of the fact that you know where your faults are and do something about them. Baby steps. I think more than your kids, your guilt stems from knowing you have the potential to be much more than what you are, and you are not fulfilling it, for whatever reason you can give me.

 

"Maybe she didn't think I had the guts to do that feeling she was my meal ticket because she's a "dentist". She could feel this way if she actually ran a successful one. We've always been neck up in debt because of her practice."

She has done a lot for you and your family. She could have really used your moral support in her practice. She probably knows it didn't work out the way she planned, but is persistent. Try and really visualize a day in her shoes. It's not all fun and games I'd bet. It might seem easy from your standpoint but it wouldn't hurt for you to gain a little perspective from her point of view. And she could do the same with you. Support is not just physically helping out, it's also comforting her when things don't go as planned and giving her votes of confidence when things seem bleak.

 

"While I busted my @ss, she took them to swimming class, martial arts, Chuck E' Cheese....eating out, etc."

I can't speak from experience but I from what I've seen with family members, dude let me tell you, while doing this she busted her @ss too. Once again, put yourself in her shoes for 1 day so you can appreciate what she goes through.

 

Now I'm pretty sure you are a good father, and you are a hard worker with very grounded concerns when it comes to your family. You seem to be the ying to her yang. I can see how you would be frustrated because you don't get enough credit for what you do. Which is why I would again suggest you go to a professional counselor so you can both better communicate your feelings on your lives together. What have you got to lose?

[beach]

---I've just been complacent. I am guilt ridden for the kids at this point.

 

Thanks for the reply.

 

I noticed you avoided answering the question directly. Have you cheated?

 

I'm having a difficult time thinking you won't fight to be with your four young kids.

 

It's like you would be a walk away husband. How do you feel about not seeing your kids regularly?

 

You could roadblock her moving that far away - for the kids sake.

[Ralph79]

@beach

 

He did answer. He simple added his answers on the quote box. I've made that mistake myself before.

[BlueIris]

I don’t see anything wrong with your not wanting to salvage your marriage. It sounds as though there are more than one of the 4 divorce predictors (John Gottman’s “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse” of marriage). You needn’t put up a fight about the kids, but you could work out a parenting plan so that they have time with you. It doesn't seem right to block her moving, though, if you're ok with divorcing and her doing the majority of the parenting. You could travel or have them travel.

Good luck.